Author's Thingy: This update took a while, and the next one may take longer. If you want to know why, check my Profile. If you don't… well… that's fine too. The rules about Arithmancy were based on my Advanced Mathematics course and are supposed to be affectionately disparaging, while the rules on Ancient Runes were based on those who took Latin in my High School. They're just meant to be disparaging because the people who took Latin were irritating.
5 GOLDEN RULES FOR ANCIENT RUNES STUDENTS
1. Despite being pointless, obsolete and surprisingly widely known, you should feel safe when you write notes in class written in Ancient Runes. The fact that most teachers have a basic understanding of Runes and that it would be just as easy to write it in English and put a basic concealment charm should in no way curb your enthusiasm.
2. Regale us all with tales of how tricky your subject is. If someone has a complaint about how difficult their subject is, act as though they are inferior and idiotic.
3. Consistently act as though your subject of choice has a direct impact on day-to-day life in the real world. Because so many Ministry press-releases are given in Ancient Runes, obviously.
4. Carve rude messages onto tables in Ancient Runes and giggle for a half hour afterwards. Nobody gets irritated with this behaviour and everyone admires your intellect.
5. Have a teacher who is so lacking a personality or physical presence that nobody knows their names and, frankly, couldn't pick them out of a line-up. Continually talk about how wonderful this teacher is. Get their name wrong while doing so.
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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR ASTRONOMY STUDENTS
1. For reasons best known to yourself, you should think that the Astronomy Tower is a simply corking place to meet up for a little tryst with your beloved after hours. You should forget that they hold classes in the Astronomy Tower every weeknight and that Professor Sinistra can occasionally be found there on Saturday and Sunday night doing research. When you get caught and awarded a detention, you should feel surprised.
2. If you are reasonably advanced in Astronomy and come across someone who was named after a star of any particular kind, you are not permitted to point out how the star in question is pertinent to their lifestyle, personality, occupation or future. Besides, it'll make you feel smug. If, on the other hand, you are not an Astronomy expert and you name your child after a star, constellation, comet, etc, you deserve every consequence you receive. For it shall almost certainly come back to haunt you. If, for example, you call your first born son Perseus and your father locks you both in a box and dumps you into the Atlantic, you have nobody but yourself to blame.
3. Lazy Summer Nights spent lounging outside with telescopes and star-charts are to be savoured. The lovely Professor Sinistra will try to make this time as enjoyable as possible and so the atmosphere will be relaxed and deeply relaxing. Enjoy it while you can however, because it will only last for about two weeks. After that it will become increasingly apparent that you're sitting on a tall tower, with no protection from the wind, looking at stars which as usually obscured by clouds, in the middle of the night when you should be in your nice warm bed. Unfortunately, it will return to being enjoyable right about the time you make your course selections for the following year and so you may never escape the class.
4. You may as well accept the fact that no matter what you do, every Centaur you come across will act superior to you and treat you more or less like pond scum when it comes to matters of Astronomy. Actually, they'll pretty much treat you like pond scum on every count. But particularly on Astronomy.
5. Accept the fact that your teacher, since she's one of the only vaguely attractive female members of staff, will be 'rumoured to be engaged in amorous relations' with just about everybody. Even though there is absolutely no proof to back this up. This includes, but is not limited to, rumoured entanglements with Severus Snape, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, every seventh year male who has to shave, and just about every Ministry official under the age of seventy-five. Be surprised when she gets frustrated with hearing about these baseless lies.
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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR ARITHMANCY STUDENTS
1. Be smugly intelligent. All the time. Non-stop smugness is a requirement for passing your Arithmancy Exam after all.
2. Quantify everything. Remain completely unable to stop this behaviour until such times as you collapse from exhaustion.
3. Give interminable speeches about the application of mathematics and Arithmancy on the day to day life of the average person and how a deeper understanding of numbers will reveal secrets in our world that we had never believed possible. Believe every word. Repeat Ad Nauseum. Whether this is your nausea or everyone else's is debatable.
4. Try to ignore the Ancient Runes' lot who tell you that you could never understand a truly taxing subject because you don't take Ancient Runes. Even though you frequently spend twenty-nine hours straight in the library reading enough number charts to make your eyes lose focus and constantly get so used to writing numbers and equations that you actually forget how to write in English for a while, you "could never understand a taxing subject".
5. Subconsciously apply Arithmancy to every single subject you take. Be a little disconcerted when you take out your History notes and discover that they were written in the form of a standard equation.
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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR CARE OF MAGICAL CREATURES
1. Even though the chances are fairly large that the only creatures you'll ever be taking care of are owls, cats and dogs, learning how to take care of Blast-Ended Skrewts is an entirely productive way of passing the time.
2. Hippogriffs are surprisingly docile creatures providing you treat them properly. Certain cocky gits will fail to do this and be attacked accordingly. You are supposed to be shocked by this, rather than entertained. Also, jokes made to the cocky git in question about Hippogriffs eating dead ferrets will not be tolerated no matter how amusing they are. (CONSTANT VIGILANCE MALFOY!)
3. Creatures like Thestrals and Unicorns are to be treated with awe during class. The fact that most of the class can't see Thestrals and that at least half of the class weren't even allowed near Unicorns is completely inconsequential. Awe, children, awe.
4. Even though you take both Defence Against the Dark Arts and Care of Magical Creatures, you should continue to fear the possibility of werewolves hiding in the Forbidden Forest even on the night of a New Moon. The fact that werewolves are human beings and so quite probably live in a house, and the fact that they only transform one night out of every lunar cycle AND the fact that when this occurs most of them lock themselves up or go play fetch with a bunch of other werewolves in come lycanthropic cult, shouldn't affect your belief that there are, in fact, werewolves in the Forbidden Forest. All month. Constantly. Really.
5. Seeing as how our teacher is of dubious mental competence and as our Headmaster doesn't seem particularly inclined to prevent him taking dangerous beasts into the school, it is recommended that students wishing to participate in Care of Magical Creatures classes should invest in some protective clothing, some basic healing skills and, quite possibly, a premature drinking habit to calm your nerves.
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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR CHARMS STUDENTS
1. Midget-tossing is not a socially acceptable hobby in this school.
2. Behave as though people who did not master Wingardium Leviosa in their first lesson are the lowest of the low and not to be given the time of day.
3. Assume that because the teacher is cheerful, jolly looking and reminds you of a mini-Santa Claus that you can do whatever you like in his class. Me amazed when this turns out to be fallacious. Complain bitterly that you didn't realise Unforgivable curses were frowned upon in the Charms classroom because the teacher was just so gosh-darn pleasant.
4. No matter how talented you become at Cheering Charms, if you attempt to perform them on Professor Snape then you will be forced to suffer some rather grim consequences. Since there has not been a single Third Year class who has not attempted this at least once, it is recommended that younger students get this into their thick skulls now to save pain later.
5. Charms usually have positive or entertaining results, and have been described as the exact opposite of curses for this very reason. (Though it could be said that certain curses, performed on certain people, are endlessly amusing though in quite a different manner.) This leads many students to believe that they are a 'soft option'. Professor Flitwick, having become quite thoroughly annoyed with this attitude, is now cursing anyone who mentions it. Now that's entertainment.
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10 GOLDEN RULES FOR DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS STUDENTS
1. If you have trouble remembering names and can't decide which Professor's name is of higher importance, you can generally just forget about the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher du jour. They'll be gone soon anyway.
2. The Heads of House politely request that no more students send the latest Defence Against the Dark Arts Teacher a drum kit and a copy of 'This is Spinal Tap' as a Welcome to Hogwarts present. It was funny the first time, but apparently not any more. Same goes for Orange Anoraks and nametags reading "Kenny McCormick."
3. In that same theme, taking out Life Insurance Policies on Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers is crude and amoral rather than a good money-making scheme.
4. The chances of you actually learning something useful in the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom are slim to none. It has been proven that a fifteen year old midget with glasses is a better teacher than all previous hired Professors. Accept this fact and look up curses and counter-curses in your own time if you don't wish to die horribly.
5. The chances of you being scarred for life in the Defence Against the dark Arts classroom are astronomical. Be this scarring a result of an iguana, Cornish Pixies, finding out that your teacher is a werewolf, finding out that your teacher is a lunatic Azkaban escapee, or finding out that reading about people's gruesome, horrible deaths can actually be dull. One way or another, you will exit that classroom changed.
6. Should your Professor Du Jour be a skinny white guy in a purple turban, you shouldn't find it at all suspicious.
7. If you are forced to face your boggart in front of a classroom full of your peers then it is recommended that you have a fair idea of your biggest fear before doing so and also that it isn't exceptionally personal or private. If you end up facing a hideously embarrassing 'personal fear' in front of your entire class and have absolutely no clue how to defend against it, it will continue to haunt you until the end of your natural life.
8. Your Defence Against the Darks Teacher will try to kill you. This is just fact. Either through ill-intent, a pesky lycanthrope problem or just sheer stupidity, he (or she) has a good chance of being involved in an attempt on your life. The effects of this are increased one hundred fold if you're a facially disfigured Gryffindor Seeker.
9. You should always attempt to stay out of any Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher's office, as they will have inevitably done something revolting to it. Or have something revolting in it. Or something. So just stay out.
10. Don't bother complaining about rules one through nine, as it won't have any effect either way.
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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR DIVINATION STUDENTS
1. Taking this subject is largely superfluous anyway as true seers are rare. True Seers that read tea-leaves are distinctly rarer.
2. This subject has about as much practical application in the real world as a tap-dancing chicken, but you should still be exceedingly concerned with passing each and every test and utterly panicked come time for the exam.
3. Suggestions that crystal balls have no purpose other than attractive paper weights are not well received by practitioners of the subject. You have been warned.
4. If you take the subject seriously, you may as well give up all chance of credibility and walk around in a t-shirt saying 'Doomsayer'. If you don't take the subject seriously, you're in for a lot of laughs.
5. The study of Bird Entrails as a form of Divination is in no way morbid and terrifying. Those who say it is will be marked down.
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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR HERBOLOGY STUDENTS
1. If you're particularly good at Transfiguration you will, almost invariably, be bad at Herbology and vice versa. It's not really known why this is, but current theories suggest that there are two opposing skills required for each subject. Transfiguration requires power, skill and intelligence while Herbology requires a similar level intelligence to the plant you're dealing with.
2. Unless you intend to pursue a distinctly odd career, you will probably never need to know anything in Herbology anyway.
3. The fact of the matter is, they just make us do it as unpaid slave labour to keep the potions ingredients up to speck and to sell the rarer ingredients on at an extortionate price, thereby keeping Professor Sprout provided with silly hats and earmuffs.
4. The screaming soil babies that can kill you if you don't have your earmuffs on properly, are considered perfectly suitable for second years. Conversely, bubotuber pus which gives a skin complaint that can be cured inside the day, is reserved until fourth year as it's dangerous.
5. Growing 'magic' mushrooms as 'an extra-credit assignment for Herbology' is not acceptable and is, bluntly, moronic. Stop it.
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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR HISTORY OF MAGIC
1. The time spent in History of Magic is widely considered the perfect time to catch up on your sleep, catch up on your reading, catch up on your homework or practise your hangman skills with a friend. You will however, be forced to pay attention for at least three minutes at the start of class so that you can take notes of what the reading is. This will prove helpful when it comes time for exams and you realise that you can incorporate the word "sesquipedalian" into your hangman game, but are completely clueless about the History of Magic.
2. In any one year, no more than three people will have read Hogwarts: A History. You must therefore flock to these three people and direct your every question about Hogwarts at them on an almost constant basis. Ignore their suggestions that you read the thing yourself. Surprisingly enough this even rings true after the book was on constant loan after the Chamber of Secrets incident. One can only assume that those who took the book out simple admired the cover for a week, in hopes of absorbing it's contents through osmosis.
3. If you are strange enough to actually pay attention in History of Magic and have a question, be forewarned: After raising your hand you may very well grow old before the teacher notices, so it's recommended that you take a more direct approach. The direct approach includes, but is not limited to, walking up to the front of class and attempting to muss Professor Binns' hair while yelling "FRIZZY FRIZZER!"
4. While you are more than capable of engaging in a full-scale riot without the teacher noticing, if you fail to attend a single class you will get detention.
5. The History Professor is clearly starved of attention, and so it is recommended that you send him a present occasionally. One is not entirely clear on what presents a ghost requires however, as they probably wouldn't enjoy chocolates quite the same way we do.
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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR PATIENTS IN THE HOSPITAL WING (While the author realises that the Hospital Wing is not a class, it is frequented so regularly by some of us that it may as well be.)
1. If Madam Pomfrey and the treatments needed are both available, your injury will be easy to fix and you will be sent on your merry way within ten minutes. If your injury is serious however, Madam Pomfrey will be incapacitated or absent and the treatments needed to cure you are obscure, dangerous, painful or also absent.
2. Do not allow mindless twerps with stupid hair to interfere with your injury at all before going to the hospital wing. As several people learned in Lockhart's deft hands, things not only can but will get immeasurably worse if you do.
3. Never ever ask where the ingredients in your medicine came from. Chances are you don't really want to know. Especially not if you're of a nervous disposition or a vegetarian.
4. Don't bother trying to explain the reasons behind your injury to the school nurse, she doesn't care. And don't try to justify it either as she can and will hurt you.
5. If you're a regular visitor to the Hospital Wing, the very least you could do is occasionally give the poor, over-worked nurse some fudge for Christmas or maybe a thank you note here and there. She's the least appreciated of all the staff, including Mrs Norris who received three boxes of Cat Nip last year. The fact that they were poisoned means very little.
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10 GOLDEN RULES FOR POTIONS STUDENTS
1. Deliberately mispronouncing it "Professor Snap" will result in your slow and painful death.
2. Of the two Potions Masters Hogwarts has employed over the past fifty years, both have been morally ambiguous and played blatant partiality with their students. It is not yet clear whether this is a pattern with all Potions Masters or not.
3. While there are similarities between the two most recent potions Masters, it has to be said that Dark Sarcasm was infinitely preferable to unbridled favouritism and arrogance. Even for the Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors.
4. As extreme a suggestion as it undoubtedly is, it's recommended that you actually read the instructions in Potions before doing anything. Read them through carefully once or twice and then do them. Barking, I know, but believe it or not it's actually more effective than randomly tossing in ingredients and hoping for the best.
5. Potions that require bits of you or other people are rarely pleasant or legal.
6. The current Potions Master may ask you questions in class. In order to answer these questions and excel in the class you will be expected to read your textbooks until such times as you understand them. That is all.
7. An Elixir To Induce Euphoria is more potent than a Cheering Charm. As such, it is even less advisable to give to teachers. Those who do may be surprised and appalled to spot their seventy year old teachers dancing the Macarena and doing shots off each others behinds. It's not pleasant. Don't do it.
8. Professor Snap… er… Snape, disapproves of people stealing supplies from his personal store. So it is recommended that if you really must do it that you don't get caught. At least not by him.
9. Potions to make Morning People tolerable do not exist and never will, so stop trying.
10. If you turn out to be exceptionally brilliant at Potions then it will prove quite useful later in life. However the only real careers it leads to are Potions Masters and Apothecary Owners. And besides, if you're terrible at Potions you can still get by and make some other poor sod do it. Simple really.
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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR TRANSFIGURATION STUDENTS
1. At the beginning or Third Year you will be told about Animagi (this will be surprisingly pertinent to some of you by the way). You will discover that your Transfiguration Professor is an Animagi. You will then be informed that you are all too stupid, moronic and generally blockheaded to ever become an Animagi yourself. You are not allowed to question why they even bother teaching you about them if this is the case, and nor are you allowed to suggest that the Transfiguration Professor only brings it up so that she can show off.
2. Transfiguration will prepare you for those pesky times around the house when you are over run with tortoises but there isn't' a teapot to be seen. You should therefore pay attention if you want to make yourself a cuppa under such circumstances.
3. Transforming a rock into a Labrador Retriever shaped bit of Dragon Bait to save your own hide, is in no way an example or animal cruelty and rather 'an impressive spot of Transfiguration'.
4. The line between Transfiguration and Charms is basically unknown to everyone except those who teach them. And they aren't about to share.
5. Accept the fact that McGonagall is scarier than in Minister of Magic we've had in the past two hundred years and act accordingly.
