Greeting, my lovely readers. I have returned with new chapters to amuse and titillate. I hope they please you. Yes, both of you.
10 GOLDEN RULES FOR BEAUXBATONS STUDENTS
1. Because you're French, you like blue. This is not only the reason for your school uniform being blue, but is also a justifiable reason to associate with Ravenclaws while attending Hogwarts. It should never be suggested that the French people have a vast array of assorted colouring and as such may look hideous in blue and therefore despise it. You are French. You like blue. Do not question this fact.
2. The fact that your scholastic system is different from the one used at Hogwarts, means it is automatically superior to our own. Please regale us all with the details of your school's complex and sophisticated academic methodology. Also, if you could comment frequently on the sheer idiocy of our system we would be greatly indebted to you, as we are charmed and delighted to hear of our own short-comings from a group of people we've never laid eyes on before. It's why we get up in the mornings really.
3. Should some cretinous usurper casually comment that our system has worked for a millennia without any of your influence: Smack em. They're clearly hysterical. Or something.
4. Tell us of your Quidditch prowess. Never get on a broomstick and show us, as we automatically believe you. After all, it's not like anyone ever lies about such things and certainly not paragons of virtue such as yourselves.
5. Whilst we, the males of Hogwarts, are by no means suggesting that Beauxbatons' males are in any way effeminate; it should be pointed out that the average citizen of the United Kingdom and Ireland is of the opinion that Beauxbatons is an all-girl school. Perhaps it's the baby-blue uniforms, perhaps it's the girly accents, perhaps it's just the fact that Beauxbatons is an innately feminine-sounding word: Whatever, it should be made clear that you, the Beauxbatons' Males, should never do anything that would overtly challenge this assumption, nor should you make yourselves noteworthy in any way, shape or form.
6. That said, you should still make a girl happier on a date than Harry Potter did.
7. The entire world should know of the Christmas decorations at Beauxbatons Palace. They should be thrilled and enraptured by your description of every single ornament. At the very least, they should pretend to give a toss. If they don't, they are beneath contempt.
8. Should you come across a Cockney Hogwarts student, do not attempt to understand them. It will get you nowhere. Being perfectly honest with you, most of us don't understand them either.
9. If one of the aforementioned epicene Beauxbatons Males uses any pick-up lines centring on the Eiffel Tower residing in any location other than Paris, they should be made aware that Hogwarts females are perfectly within their rights to curse them. This is in accordance with Hogwarts school rules. The curse may be of their choosing and of varying intensity. You only have the right to complain if they use an Unforgivable. And really, if they used the Unforgivable properly, you won't be able to complain anyway. So don't do it.
10. Deftly sidestep any suggestion that you're insulting everyone in French without their knowledge. Continue to deny this fact, even when certain students inform you that they speak fluent French and could in fact have you done for libel with some of the things you've been saying. When they walk away in disgust with your childish negations, tell all your friends about how you "Got them good". It makes you look "cool".
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10 GOLDEN RULES FOR DURMSTRANG STUDENTS
1. Smiling, smirking, simpering, laughing, chuckling, chortling, cackling and cachinnating are all signs of weakness. Avoid them at all costs. Sneering is all right, however scowling is better.
2. Neglect to tell anyone how such a large percentage of your student body became expert yachtsmen. Magical, underwater, Coriolis-Effect-Embracing yachtsmen at that. Really, it's not in the least bit suspicious.
3. Accept the fact that your former Headmaster was a spineless, sycophantic excuse for a human being and should never have been placed in any sort of position of power or, indeed, any position where anyone of any intelligence would ever have to deal with him.
4. Also accept the fact that his recent death was vaguely amusing and will be made fun of. This is not a slur against you, rather it is a slur against him. Because he was an idiot and deserves to be denunciated.
5. "Sturm und Drang" jokes ARE funny no matter what you say. "Sturm und Drang" meaning "Storm and Stress" in German, for those of you who are rusty on your Eighteenth Century Literary trends. It was a movement in Germany which emphasised "Subjectivity and the unease of a man in contemporary society". Regrettably this often meant over-emotional halfwits whining about society not understanding them. Which brings us nicely to rule Number Six:
6. Viktor Krum is not an over-emotional halfwit who whines too much and is deeply insecure, no matter what anyone says. And even if he was, he can pull off a Wronski Feint without wetting himself and attract the romantic interests of a fourteen year old girl. Both of which are obviously difficult. Yep. Truly a Prince among men, that one.
7. It is beholden on you, as pupils at a school which does not admit Muggle-Born Students, teaches the Dark Arts and touts hypothermia as a way of life, to sit with the Slytherins. Because really, Slytherin House needed you lot added to it's reputation. It wasn't quite sinister enough before-hand you see. In fact without you there, Snape might've changed our House mascot to a Fluffy-Pink Bunny and started handing out flowers to Gryffindors while singing the score to 'Annie' and doing a little dance. So thanks for that. Really.
8. We have a castle. You have a castle. These castles in no way pertain to the outside world and are nothing more than castles. But just so we're clear: Ours is bigger.
9. You should continue to wear those ridiculous fur coats, even in May whilst visiting a temperate climate and indoors. Should certain unsavoury Hogwarts students throw red paint on you, it is completely unconnected to the stupid outfits.
10. If you ever feel depressed or angry at your school, your teachers or your classmates, then please remember this: You almost got Draco Malfoy too.
