I love Fred and George Weasley. Even if this particular chapter may make it seem as though I don't. Ignore it. I love them. Especially Fred…


70 GOLDEN RULES FOR THE PROPRIETORS OF DIAGON ALLEY

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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR THE APOTHECARY PROPRIETOR

1. When someone comes to you with an average, run of the mill illness you must still say "Hmm" a lot in a way which indicates the patient might have something terminal. This fills them with a sense of relief when they discover that it's nothing more than the sniffles. This moment of relief is worth the twenty minutes of panic immediately preceding it. Really.

2. If it doesn't taste hideous, smell hideous or at the very least look hideous, then it doesn't belong in an Apothecary.

3. For reasons no one is entirely clear on, one kilogram of Powdered Dragon Claws should also cost seven sickles less than one kilogram of Flaked Dragon Claws. This remains true, even when both forms of Dragon Claws are supposedly half price.

4. Try to remain cheerful at all times. If this seems difficult, then just remember to act like other great Apothecaries through the Ages: Dante Alighieri, Benedict Arnold, Nostradamus… nonpareils of cheeriness, unquestionably.

5. Rather than spend valuable time and effort charming more space onto your shelves, or indeed transfiguring more shelves, you should just hang things from the ceiling when you run out of space. The only people affected by this are over five feet tall, and as such a minority. Yes. Minority. Right.

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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR THE CAULDRON SHOP PROPRIETOR

1. Constantly maintain the charade that solid gold cauldrons are necessary in life. No one will ever see through this or question it in any way.

2. Repeat after me: "Collapsible Cauldrons are completely safe and do not collapse without warning when in use, nor do they leak unexpectedly. Collapsible Cauldrons are completely safe and do not collapse without warning when in use, nor do they leak unexpectedly. Collapsible Cauldrons are completely safe and do not collapse without warning when in use, nor do they leak unexpectedly…" If you say it often enough, it might come true.

3. Feel free to donate large sums of money to the Little Champions Quidditch Youth programme in return for your extremely beneficial position on Diagon Alley, directly next to the Leaky Cauldron. Balk at the suggestion that you should donate mechanisms for keeping cauldrons upright to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. After all, nobody has ever spilt anything in Potions. Not once. Ever.

4. Pretend not to notice the fact that Tom only changed the name of his pub to 'The Leaky Cauldron' after purchasing an item from your store. Act oblivious.

5. Should Percy Weasley, or his Cauldron Bottom Thickness Report, turn up in your store you are perfectly within your legal rights to glare at him threateningly and sniff a lot. That is, frankly, all you're entitled to do to him though, and he knows it. So really, it's not nearly as intimidating as you might think.

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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR EEYLOPS OWL EMPORIUM'S PROPRIETOR

1. Act superior when no one can pronounce your name. It is a sign of their shortcomings rather than your stupid name.

2. Insist that the smell of bird faeces has completely escaped you all these years and tell anyone who comments that they are imagining it. Refuse to comment on the gas-mask attached to your face. If pushed, say that it's for decoration or that it's part of your religion.

3. Do not call a young Pygmy Owl a "Young Pygmy Owl". Rather, call it a "Partially-Developed Glaucidium passernium Strigidae of the order Strigiformes". Charge more for it than you would a Young Pygmy Owl. After all, it's more cultured now.

4. Use the Owls from the Post Office in Hogsmeade to deliver anything relating to your business. Fail to see any humour in this.

5. Charge more for Owls that glare threateningly at everything.

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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR THE PROPRIETOR OF FLOREAN FORTESCUE'S ICE CREAM PARLOR

1. During the holidays, you should offer random students advice on their homework while eyeing all other students like time bombs that may go off at any moment and melt your entire stock, purely out of spite.

2. The Homework Advice that you do offer, whilst accurate, should be told in a fantastically colourful and entertaining manner in order to get the unassuming Hogwarts student interested in the History of Magic. This sets them up for a real fall when they get back to school, which is entertaining for those of us you eyed up suspiciously earlier.

3. Feel free to concoct some of the most bizarre and possibly inedible ice cream flavours the world has ever known. Continue to assure everyone that whatever flavour you personally have devised is "Really big in Japan", even when it's not.

4. Consider offering free tutorials on how one pronounces your name ten times fast. Perhaps offer prizes for those who can do it on a hot summer's day, first try, without fainting.

5. Lead a conspicuous double-life which will result in your mysterious disappearance upon revelation of the Death Eaters' rekindled presence. Do so with a great big smile on your face.

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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR THE PROPRIETOR(S) OF FLOURISH AND BLOTTS

1. When Biting, Invisible, Flying or just plain Irritating books come into your stock, you may be brusque and entirely discourteous to customers and blame other people for your misery. Forget the fact that nobody forced you to order them and continue to bewail your own misfortune.

2. Should you arrange a book signing with (lying) Author who has (not) done a variety of daring and notable deeds and is about to become the (most pathetic) Defence Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts, then you should be shocked when (oblivious) media and (unwitting) fans show up. You should be even more shocked when he turns out to be a useless lying waste of oxygen and release a public statement to this effect. Heaven knows, there was very little evidence pointing that way…

3. When fights break out in your fine establishment, rather than stop the participants your employees should just watch with vague interest. The manager should hop up and down a bit while not really doing anything and the proprietors should be nowhere to be seen: Such things rarely cause damage and hardly ever get in the way of other people going about their business.

4. Should someone have a problem with their purchase, such as page 436 being completely absent, they are able to return it within twenty-four hours providing that they clear it with one of the Proprietors or the Manager. Consequently, it should be nearly impossible to find either proprietor or the manager for a day or two whenever such an occasion arises.

5. Despite owning a bookstore, it is perfectly acceptable to hire cashiers and shop assistants who, judging by their attitudes, have never opened a book in their lives. No one ever gets irritated by this. Not even when they ask for a book called "The Annals of Grindelwald" and they giggle like idiots for half an hour afterwards, thinking you just said something dirty.

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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR GAMBOL AND/OR JAPE

1. Deny any suggestion that, what with Weasleys Wizarding Wheezes' booming trade, you are losing business. Continue to do so even while actively downsizing, sacking staff that have been with you for fifty years and weeping openly about "Those Ginger-Haired Brats".

2. Also continue to deny this while boarding up windows and announcing Closing Down Sale.

3. Maintain that Dr. Filibusters Fabulous Wet-Start No-Heat Fireworks are the best money can buy. Even when anyone who witnessed Weasleys Wildfire Whiz-Bangs in action at Hogwarts can tell you quite categorically that they're not. In fact, they are not only a few positions down the Fireworks league from Weasleys Wildfire Whiz-Bangs, they are a good few leagues down.

4. In your more private moments (that is to say: When drunk), you may reminisce fondly about Rollick and Jest's, the joke-shop double-act you put out of business eighty years ago. You may also comment that you give the Weasley Twins "Ninety years, maybe a hundred, and then they're doomed to a life on the dole." This is sure to put the fear of god into them, really.

5. When a customer actually does forego WWW and enter your store, you should be so ecstatically pleased to see them that you must sob with relief at the sight of them, attach yourself to their leg and praise any and all deities you can think of that they have no forsaken you. If that doesn't bring in the customers, nothing will.

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10 GOLDEN RULES FOR THE GRINGOTTS GOBLINS

1. If a small child begins crying in your presence or screaming about demons and monsters, the most therapeutic course of action for you to take is to leer at them while holding the sharpest or most club-like object that comes to hand. If this doesn't calm the little blighters down, nothing will.

2. The average Witch or Wizard does understand that you are scary and rather lethal in large numbers. That is to say, numbers higher than two. However this may not be enough to keep them in line and prevent them from trying to cheat you out of your hard stolen cash. To help keep them compliant, you should also make it clear that you can take all their worldly possessions on a whim. (Through preordained Ministry channels, of course. Ahem. Yeah. Right.)

3. If threatening their life's accumulations and terrorising them from a young age doesn't keep your clients relatively pliant, then it's time for the brass knuckles.

4. Never share your secret for proper Marble Maintenance. The rest of the world should be condemned to dull, sub-par Marble floors and should be forced to buy useless product after useless product in a vain attempt to keep them in good condition. Cackle quietly to yourself at their foolishness.

5. If… no, actually, WHEN your visitors start to turn a delicate shade of Chartreuse, you should inform them that everyone else is perfectly comfortable with the cart's speed. The speed colloquially known as 'Break a neck' or 'Time to make your peace with God'.

6. When given Muggle Currency, all bank tellers must exchange it for a lower rate than it is actually worth in order to turn a profit. This is generally accepted by people the world over. However the world is curious about how you turn an even bigger profit when you fence it back into Muggle society. Never share this secret.

7. It's not "Money Laundering". It's merely an accounting service to the criminal underworld.

8. That French Blonde you've got hired doesn't really seem to know too terribly much about banking. However when any male or slightly ambiguous female enters your doors with any sort of problem, you should throw her at them until they go away. Really, nobody tires of this.

9. Should the Ministry need to hire one of your Curse-Breakers for any reason, you must lease their contract for a minimum of three times it's actual worth. The Curse-Breaker themselves, should of course see no noticeable rise in their earnings.

10. When in doubt, whip out the Probity Probe.

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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR THE PROPRIETOR OF MADAM MALKIN'S ROBES FOR ALL OCCASIONS (who, one would assume, goes by the name 'Madam Malkin'.)

1. If someone enters your store with the perfect face, build, personality and bank balance; you should do everything in your power to make sure that their wardrobe is stunningly perfect for them and elicits awed looks from everyone they come across.

2. Everyone else can look like an idiot though. They don't mind.

3. Calling everyone 'Dear' makes them feel respected, loved and treated like a valued customer and personal friend. It in no way annoys anyone. Nobody would rather be referred to as 'Sir' or 'Madam' or 'Oi! You! Yeah you, you little twerp' when they could be referred to in such a personal and affectionate manner instead. Nope. Not a single person.

4. Repeat after me: "Yes that frilly pink monstrosity really does suit you and in no way reminds anyone of Little Bo Peep on crack cocaine."

5. If anyone ever tries to tell you that the don't want or need Beautifying robes, smile indulgently at them and say "Of course you don't dear." in a manner which tells them you've seen more attractive slugs. This makes everyone feel better about themselves, and in no way affects their self-esteem.

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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR THE PROPRIETOR OF THE MAGICAL MENAGERIE

1. If someone, anyone in fact, owns an animal acquired from somewhere other than your establishment then that person and their animal is scum. You should only associate with them to sell them assorted pet paraphernalia, and even then you should imply that they'd be better off just getting a new one. From you obviously.

2. Cats are beneficial to the health. Really. Everyone likes cats. Nobody has ever had a problem with a cat. Not even big scary orange ones that attack people's heads. The more cats the better.

3. Feel smug in the knowledge that your so-called Miracle Tonic, is nothing more than flat Irn Bru. Feel even more smug in the knowledge that nobody will ever figure this out.

4. Refuse to sell Acromantulas or other dangerous creatures, even when license systems are suggested. After all, it's better that people should buy such creatures on the Black market so that nobody has any idea where all the deadly monsters are than it is having them sold through official means.

5. Complain about the elitist bloodline views of Death Eaters loudly and publicly. Refuse to sell anything but purebred creatures of every variety. Fail to see the irony.

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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR MISTER OLLIVANDER A.K.A. THE CRYPT KEEPER

1. Wherever possible: Leer.

2. The second some albino Slytherin prat with sibilant tendencies turns up and starts recruiting people, you should hop along and join him. Heaven forbid you go on making wands for everybody, including Death Eaters, and just stay out of things like an intelligent person. No. You should join sides immediately. After all, that always ends well.

3. If called upon to perform the Weighing of the Wands for the Triwizard Tournament, you should act like it's really interesting. Even when it is, quite obviously, not. And even when that little machine in the Ministry of Magic does it more quickly and efficiently and with a great deal less froufrou-y behaviour.

4. Talk to yourself. A lot. It adds mystery.

5. Tell people, at great length, what their wand is good for; such as Charm work, Curses, Transfiguration, etc. Also mention what their parents wands were good for or what wands of a similar nature are good for. Strangely enough, you should never say something like "Ah yes… Cherry wood with Unicorn Hair. Everyone with that combination is a complete and total prat if you want my opinion." or "See here. Fifteen and a quarter inch Mahogany. Good backscratcher this one."

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10 GOLDEN RULES FOR THE PROPRIETORS OF WEASLEYS WIZARDING WHEEZES

1. Let's make one thing abundantly clear: If I am spending money in your store, thereby allowing you to feed, clothe and shelter yourself, and you decide to play an oh-so-funny prank on me, then I am going to hit you. If this turn of events surprises you then you are not nearly so clever as you think you are.

2. Accept the fact that winding up someone as tight-laced as Delores Umbridge isn't exactly hard. However, if anyone says that your merchandise did so in anything less than a truly masterful way, you may harm them however you see fit.

3. Sell, sell, sell. Sell to anyone and everyone. Forget the dire consequences of some of these things being in the wrong hands. After all, how much harm could Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder really do? Hmm?

4. Sell shield cloaks, shield hats, and shield gloves. Shield Jeans, and Shield t-shirts are out of the question however, as everyone will automatically be attacked whilst in their outerwear.

5. As well-established trickster, pranksters and trouble-makers, you are obviously towers of virtue. As such, you can get high and mighty with whomever you please when they attempt to start trouble in your store. This doesn't make you a hypocrite in the slightest.

6. You have enough forethought to refuse sale of Patented Daydream Charms to under-sixteens. The fact that over-sixteens would in fact be taking their N.E.W.T.S and as such probably can't afford to be missing half an hour of class, is completely irrelevant.

7. Cheerfully sell love potions to anyone and everyone. People like having their emotions toyed with publicly, and find it really amusing when they come around and discover they've been tricked into falling madly in love with someone. In years to come they'll laugh about it… then they'll quickly change the subject and try to repress. But frankly, that's their problem. Not yours.

8. Hire someone called 'Verity' in your joke shop. This isn't funny or ironic in the least.

9. Finish each other's sentences in front of customers. It isn't creepy and upsetting, honestly.

10. Make Edible Dark Marks in an attempt to insult Lord Voldemort. Make them taste like melted down plague victims with sugar. Just so you could tell the Dark Lord you were poisoning patrons, should he pop round for tea one evening and have a problem with this.

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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR THE ASSORTED STREET PEDDLERS AROUND DIAGON AND KNOCKTURN ALLEYS

1. If you can't convince the average person that they need, as in physically need, a Luminous Orange Pocket Sneakoscope, then you're in the wrong line of work sunshine.

2. 'Protective Amulets' are very hard to come across. A particularly good source for these 'Protective Amulets' is eBay. Oh don't pretend you don't know what it is.

3. If you made it yourself with your very own sweat, blood, and tears; it won't sell.

4. If you nicked it, it'll sell in seconds.

5. Capitalism… Thank God for capitalism… Daily.