Chapter 3
Muscle and sinew
Velvet and stone
This vessel is haunted
It creaks and moans
My bones call to you
In a separate skin
I'll make myself translucent
To let you in
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Alex thought he had made up his mind on how to react to Izzie. On how to hide his emotions for her like he did with everyone else in his life; denial. His best friend. Afterall, how could he be hurt by the rejection of the woman he loved if he'd never admit to himself that he truly needed her. That the mere thought of loosing her, for good made him realize how capable he was of feeling heartbreak and rejection.
He knew it was a mistake, that she wasn't over Denny and in the wrong place entirely. He knew she'd pull away and yet, the second she did it was still like someone had punctured his lungs, letting the air quickly escape and leaving him devastingly breathless, stripped of his pride and naked in front of her. She had broke him. Again. But like hell would Alex Karev let her know that, even in the slightest. And while whenever she wasn't around, his plan of self-trickery went astonishingly well (he had even managed to dull the pain with placing his romantic thoughts elsewhere, on a woman he convinced himself was a more mature version of the woman he couldn't get out of his head) whenever she came around, it all went to shit. And it annoyed him like all hell. So he would take it out on her. Not on purpose, he told himself. But then again, there were parts of him that wanted her to hurt, to feel how broken she had made him feel. No one broke Alex Karev. Tonight was no exception.
His eyes naturally softened at her greeting. There she was, in true Izzie fashion. Making the best out of the undeniably tense moments that always coincided with them being in a 1 mile radius of each other. The sight of her though, was all it took to make a genuine smile quickly dance across his lips. Damnit. She was doing it again.
Alex gained control of his facial expressions once more, slowly turning his smile into that of a casual smirk. His eyes rested on hers.
"Iz." Alex brought his bottle up for another long drink as she surprisingly slipped into the empty stool beside him. George and Meredith must not be here yet he thought.
"What will it be tonight Stevens?" Joe noticed Alex was getting low on his second and reached under the bar for another beer.
"Oh let's see," Izzie glanced over at Alex quickly and for no apparent reason, making Alex's eyebrows furl in slight confusion. "I think it's a beer night for me Jo. I'll just take a Heineken."
"Comin' right up." Joe grabbed another beer from under the bar and popped both of the caps off, sliding the bottles towards Alex and Izzie.
"Thanks Jo," Izzie smiled as she reached out bringing the cool glass to her lips and taking a long swig. She wasn't a big beer drinker, but the soft foamy liquid felt more than comforting tonight for some reason. She could feel the reason's eyes quietly starring at her out of her peripheral.
"What are you looking at Karev?" She brought the bottle back down to the counter, turning her body slightly to face him.
"Copy cat," Alex coughed lightly.
"Am not," Izzie pretended to be offended. "And what are you, 12?" Izzie tried to make it appear that she wasn't amused. She could never read him these days and so she quickly discovered that playing defensively was the safest option.
"Are too." Alex pretended to look interested in something else happening in the bar, hoping it wouldn't be obvious that he was excited they'd yet again get to play their little game with one another. Even if all they did was take jabs at one another, talking with Izzie was still being with her.
"So… how was work?" He decided he would start off nonchalant, wait til' she was a little buzzed so his quick whips would get more of a rise from her.
She habitually ran her fingers through her hair, letting it fall back down, framing her face.
"Hell," she took another drink. "Pretty sure bailey is assigning me to all the bitchy patients because she thinks I have some type of permanent sunshine effect on people. It's really just making me more depressed."
Alex let out a forced sound of amusement, "That sucks." He decided his plan of attack would be cocky asshole tonight. She loved cocky asshole. It always seemed to work the best on Iz compared to all the women he had used it on in the past. "Pretty sure that isn't why you're depressed though."
"Oh really?" She focused her attention on him, vaguely interested. "Care to enlighten me?" Her eyes wondered to his lips as she waited for his response. Damnit Izzie… she quickly brought them up to meet his eyes.
"Well, I wasn't working tonight. So… there you go." He said it matter-a-factly and grinned as her face scrunched in disgust and she gave him an eye roll that screamed 'oh please.'
"Give me a break." She should have seen that coming. He had definitely turned up the arrogance for tonight. "Well thanks for the insight. I'm sure that would be a contributing factor, if I were in fact depressed." She dodged the boastful comment gracefully, knowing exactly the game he wanted to play.
"You just said you were depressed," Alex finished his third beer, placing the empty bottle on the counter and letting his left leg start to dance a little on his stool. Was he feeling a buzz after 3 beers? Jesus. He blamed a little of his excitement on his company, just to convince himself that he hadn't become somewhat of a light weight over the last couple months. Damn on-call shifts were eating away at as precious alcohol tolerance.
"I said the patients made me depressed. I'm not actually depressed." Noticing she needed to catch up a little, Izzie downed the rest of her beer. "There was this hot new attending assigned to one of my patients today, so he helped elevate my mood quite a bit really." Her eyebrows went up suggestively. She wasn't going to let Alex think he was the only one who knew which buttons to press when it came to their twisted mind-games with each other. She didn't know why she thought her mentioning another guy would get under his skin a little. I guess she figured it was all she had to play tonight. She had run out of cards over the last couple weeks. Without realizing it, she had locked into Alex's gaze, anticipating his response.
Alex just stared at her awhile. It stung. He had no idea why shit like this still stung but it did, pissing him off even more. She had way too much fucking control. Who the hell did she think she was? Making him feel jealous over her even mentioning another guy after the whole Denny fiasco. He laughed it off making sure none of his inner thoughts registered across his face. At least he still had her beat in the emotional department. Izzie would never be as good as him at hiding the way she felt. Even at this moment, he could tell just by looking at her that she was anxiously waiting for his response.
Alex glanced over at Joe and gave him the "nother round" head nod, then focused his attention back on Izzie. The rest of their environment had begun to slowly fade out as their conversation progressed. This was to be expected. Once they started, neither would stop until they thought they had gotten the last word. Back when they were having sex, it served as phenomenal foreplay. Now it just served to frustrate the hell out of both of them since sex was no longer an outlet. Sure there were others they could turn to, but it wasn't the same, as Alex had depressingly discovered first hand. Sex with Izzie was always different. A weird type of drug. Something about how incredibly stubborn Izzie was when it came to confronting him, calling him on his shit, challenging him in ways no other woman had done before. It was the biggest turn on and thus, never helped matters much. How the hell was he suppose to come up with witty comebacks to her defiance if all he wanted to do was grab her face and kiss her deeply, all the while ripping at her clothes like they had done so many times in the past? It wasn't fair. But Alex was never a complainer, or one to back down from a fight. Especially when it was with her.
"A new cute attending eh?" He nodded a thanks to Joe before sliding the first beer across the bar to Izzie. "Well hey if the male attendings are even half as good as some of the female attendings, then you definitely have yourself a good time there Iz." He let the words sink in, noticing that his words had definitely hit a nerve. He acknowledged that she knew exactly who he was referring to and he also knew it hurt her that he had decided to try things out with Addison. Why it had, he never allowed himself to figure out, fearing that it would just lead his hopes to get ahead of his reality once more and come crashing down around him. He just knew it was a button he could push. And he did, only when she had thrown an equally harsh pitch his way. The pain that lingered in her eyes tonight though worried him that he might have used the Addison card prematurely. She usually would have replied with a 'well unlike some people I can keep my pants on while getting to know someone' comment by now.
Izzie didn't know what the hell her problem was tonight. Definitely didn't bring her A-game and the A-card had definitely hit her harder than usual. What was it about tonight? God, she was just so tired of the way they got such sick enjoyment out of who could hurt the other worse. She realized her emotions had again gotten the best of her and were probably replaying in her eyes as she silently took in Alex's comment. What a cocky bastard. She silently looked down at her lap as she scolded herself for letting him get a punch in. Stupid Alex. How could someone be so offensive and yet so charming all at the same time? Figures the place in her heart reserved for him would find a twisted way to make his low jab charming. Like he wanted her to feel jealous so he could assure her she meant more to him than Addison ever would. Figures.
Her silence was alarming and he unconsciously slipped out of asshole mode to rest his hand on her shoulder. "Izzie… Come on you know I was just playing around." He let a playful yet concerned gaze rest on her soft features. Here it comes… damnit. He knew he shouldn't have let his guard down quite yet.
The stupid random moments… random moments when her beauty solely consumed him, his whole being. He actually couldn't believe someone could be so beautiful, just sitting there silently, totally unaware of the fact that she could be sitting with any other guy here, making them the happiest guy in the world, just to be seen with her. It wasn't even her physical beauty, which of course was undeniable. But the fact that he knew her, who she was underneath… the fact that the real magic to Izzie Stevens lied there and that he had been privileged to experience it, to admire it every time he looked at her. That was the beauty that truly took his breathe away.
He felt the impulses again, always accompanied by the random moments… to just suck it up and tell her, throw caution to wind, one last time and get his heart smashed to smithereens. Because, looking at her he knew, as much as it killed him, that it would all be worth it. Which only meant one thing… and he wasn't ready to submit to that intense of an emotion yet. Not when she had given him nothing in return for so long.
"Iz?" He leaned in closer reaching out his other arm and placing his hand beneath her chin. He softly titled her head up to meet his gaze. The absurd amount of emotions that his eyes were met with made him retract back slightly. Frustration and hurt were the obvious ones. But he could have sworn for a second, he glimpsed a passionate sense of need, of wanting behind her hazel eyes. If he had, it was quickly replaced with a flood of anger. He felt her jaw begin to clench above his finger and he quickly drew he hand back to rest on his leg. This wasn't going to be pretty. Why the hell was she so angry?
Izzie stared back at Alex's concerning eyes. God did she miss that look he gave her. Like she was the only thing on earth that mattered, like he would do anything to make her feel better, to protect her from everything. She could feel herself getting comfortably lost in his gaze. Back when they were first dating, she convinced herself that he saved that look only for her and no one else, which made it mean so much more when he took her in with his warm golden eyes, drawling her close and wrapping his loving arms around her. All the clichés of being in your lover's arms and never wanting to let go… she never appreciated until Alex. She missed him, so much more than she would ever let herself admit. And she was scared that for some reason, tonight she wouldn't be able to hold back much longer. She could already feel the emotions begin to leak out from their hiding places.
No. She had worked too hard damnit. She let the reality of how he had won their bantering game tonight sink in. She tore herself away from her happier submissive state. Fuck this. She was done arguing with him. If he was going to continue to use Addison as his back up, she couldn't compete. Her backup was dead. It was pointless. All of this. What were they trying to prove anyways?
Not knowing how to surrender to him, she let out a bitter laugh of frustration, letting the anger in her stare attach daggers to her words.
"You win."
Alex didn't know how to respond. He went with the obvious. Figured it was the best in these situations.
"What?"
"You win Alex… alright?" Izzie surprised even herself with the darkness in her voice. What kind of person had he turned her into?
"You happy? I'm tired of this shit, so you can brag all you want about how you screwed Addison to get back at me for hurting you. But I'm not going to waste my time fighting with you anymore Alex because… I'm just tired." Izzie didn't realize how close her face had moved towards his until she had spoken her last words. She could tell he was obviously brewing up some type of defense for her last comment and she knew she had to leave soon or else something would happen. They were both so unbelievably stubborn. It made her sick really. She moved in a little closer, close enough to feel the hot fumes that now radiated from his skin. He was pissed. But he wouldn't get the last word if she had anything to do with it.
She lowered her voice to a whisper that could only be heard in the close proximity she had created between them. "So go fuck your female attending all you want, Alex. See if I care. I think it's about time I stopped watching you screw insecure older women because you can and started dating men without a history of STDs, who don't get sick enjoyment out of cheating on their girlfriends and forcing them to confide in a man who would never hurt her...like you did." She realized her sentence had slowly stopped making much sense, but he would get the jest and she let the words cleave open scares across his chest. Why the hell was she trying so desperately to hurt him?
Her words had stunned him into momentary silence. One that she knew wouldn't last much longer. The last line she didn't want to say and it was evident with the tears that filled her eyes. She got up off her stool and took one step towards him. Leaning close into Alex's ear she whispers, "My biggest mistake?" She almost couldn't get it out. She choked on the tears in the back of her throat. "Letting myself love you." The last words were barely audible. She didn't care. She was done.
With that, Izzie hastily made her way to the exit, grabbing angrily at her coat and breaking into a run once she hit the door. She couldn't breathe. She needed air. As soon as she made it out she inhaled violently as the waves of emotion and weeping threatened her every breath. The rain seemed to mirror her frustration as it hit her skin relentlessly, drenching her from head to toe in regret and anguish. She made her way hastily towards the hospital to find Meredith or George. She really needed to buy a fucking car. This was ridiculous.
