There are one or two gratuitous Monty Python references in this chapter, which certain people may not get. But honestly, if you've never seen the Flying Circus then you've got bigger problems than not understanding one of these rules.
70 GOLDEN RULES FOR THE CUSTOMERS OF DIAGON ALLEY
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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR APOTHECARY CUSTOMERS
1. Go 'hmm'. Also go 'haw'. When not Hmming and Hawing: Ponder. Do so for twenty minutes while standing at the counter and refusing to move until completion of your transaction. This in no way irks those of us who just dropped by to pick up some crushed Scarab beetles and have places to be. In fact we applaud your perfectionism, and are more than happy to reorganise our lives around your indecisiveness. Honestly.
2. If relatively new to the concept of Potions making and purchasing your first set of basic ingredients, you may ask why Aconite, Monkshood and Wolfsbane all look so similar. Both the individual behind the counter and fellow customers will laugh merrily and be more than willing to help you with your dilemma.
3. If you have been making Potions for more than a week and a half and still can't wrap your head around the fact that Aconite, Monkshood and Wolfsbane are all the same plant, then a public flogging is not out of the question. You have been warned.
4. It's an Apothecary, not a Superdrug outlet. If you want an anti-wrinkle cream, don't go there. That said, if you want a Vanishing Cream then you've come to the right place. Just don't be moronic enough to use it on your person if you wish to be visible.
5. The Apothecary sells Ashwinder Eggs. These eggs will not hatch into actual Ashwinders and if you think they will you're in for a disappointment. You're also an idiot, and fair game to anyone who feels like pointing out your lack of intelligence.
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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR CAULDRON SHOP CUSTOMERS
1. You do not need a solid gold cauldron.
2. A "Medium Sized" Cauldron and an "Average Sized" Cauldron, are the same thing. Also, no matter how unscrupulous the salesman or determined the user; There is not a 'Medium Cauldron' in existence which allows you to contact the dead.
3. While self-stirring cauldrons do save time and effort on rare occasions, they cannot be adjusted. If you need to stir a Potion anti-clockwise you're doomed. Being perfectly honest, only the obscenely lazy would buy one of them in the first place. And if you're really that slothful, you can invest in learning a charm or two to make the utensil in question stir of it's own accord. Either way, a Self-Stirring cauldron is not now, nor will it ever be, worth twice as much as a regular one. Spend the extra money on chocolate, Quidditch tickets or something equally useful, for heaven's sake.
4. Collapsible Cauldrons aren't nearly so convenient or easy to store as they're advertised to be. You have been warned.
5. The Myth that, if you live alone, a miniature Cauldron is all you really need, is just that: A Myth. The only reason anyone will ever have for buying one of those things is cooking tins of soup in when they can't be bothered doing the dishes. Ignore anyone who tells you otherwise.
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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR EEYLOPS OWL EMPORIUM CUSTOMERS
1. When the salesman asks you to hurry up with your selection of owl, you should automatically do so. After all, the creature you choose will only be your semi-constant companion for the next fifteen to twenty years. So why would you want to take an extra five minutes selecting one which you get along with, when you'll be with it for as long as most people are with their spouses.
2. If the bird attempts to bite you, scratch you or claw your eyes out, it is not a sign of affection no matter what the salesman says.
3. When purchasing bird, check vitality immediately. Pay particular attention to how it is attached to it's perch. If in doubt, complain immediately. While complaining about the vital state of any recently purchased bird, it is recommended that you ignore any and all arguments centred on it's beautiful plumage and it's ability to be easily stunned.
4. It is not 'Pinin' for the Fjords' and it never will be.
5. If someone tries to charge you extra for new 'streamlined' owls which still have the same 'remarkable lifting power of their larger cousins', ignore them. They're lying and you just bought a midget owl who can't carry anything.
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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR FLOREAN FORTESCUE'S ICE CREAM PARLOR CUSTOMERS (assuming he ever opens, or indeed, appears again. Obviously.)
1. If you want help on your homework, be nice to the man. But not too nice or he'll know what you're playing at. Sort of semi-nice with hints of disinterest. But too extreme disinterest or he might think you're not interested. Which is, I suppose, the point of feigning disinterest, but nevertheless you may only show disinterest in moderation. But not too measured moderation or he may suspect a plot… you know what? Just do your own bloody homework.
2. While certain peculiar flavours do taste delicious, not all of them do. Use your better judgement. If, for example, there's a two scoops for the price of one offer on all Slug flavoured, pellet-chip ice-cream, it is entirely possible that there's a reason behind it.
3. When sheltering from the increasingly warm summer sun (see "Muggle Concepts: Global Warming" in library for details) inside Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour it is recommended that you avoid the seats near where they melt their chocolate, as you will most likely melt along with said chocolate. As a socially conscious Witch or Wizard, you'll know that you are only permitted to melt when a deeply irritating kid from Kansas dumps a bucket of water on you, and even then it's just to be rid of the silly girl. And her little dawg too…
4. Be aware that Fortescue's Peanut flavoured Ice Cream may contain (shockingly enough) Nuts. Same goes for Hazelnut Whip flavour, pecan-nut flavour, almond flavour, Brazil-nut flavour, and any combination of the aforementioned flavours imaginable. Additionally, Coconut flavour does contain Coconuts, but since Coconuts aren't nuts then it doesn't really matter.
5. Do not be surprised when you ask for Lemon Sorbet and are told they don't have any. Sorbet is not ice cream, and as such has no place in an Ice Cream Parlour. Anyone who feels the need to get uppity about this fact when they request for Lemon Sorbet, will be categorically told to kiss Mister Fortescue's ice. And rightly so.
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5 GOLDEN RULES FLOURISH AND BLOTTS CUSTOMERS
1. In the United Kingdom an average of one in every one thousand people is illiterate or at least falls below accepted literacy standards. This means that 99.9 percent of people are considered acceptably educated in the country today. Curiously enough, this literacy rate seems to drop considerably upon crossing the threshold of our leading bookstore. It is recommended you accept this fact now. Theories behind this phenomenon (whilst greatly appreciated) are few and far between, and most of them are nonsensical too. It's recommended that you accept this fact too.
2. If you enter this fine establishment looking for a particular book which is not on your school list, you will not find it. Come hell or high water, they won't have it in. If they, by some miracle, do have it in, all copies will be reserved for other customers.
3. If and when you attempt to reserve a book, they will inform you that they have either never heard of the book in question, or that they were unaware there was a book reservation service. No amount of creative swearing will change this fact.
4. Whenever you are in a hurry, some self-indulgent prat will always be there signing the latest piece of rubbish he or she has churned out for their asinine readers. There is no spell, potion, martial arts move or plea for mercy known to man that will part the crowds. However use of the phrase "Oh no, I need to get back to Saint Mungo's. They're worried I'm contagious" will get the line moving that bit quicker.
In a related note, if you tell them that you are buying the book as a present for your sibling and cousin, who are getting married, they will inevitably ask "Oh, it's a double Wedding?" If you look puzzled and say "Well no, of course not. But I wanted to celebrate their marital bliss." People will serve you faster.
5. Even finding books will be surprisingly difficult in this establishment, however if you need somewhere to subscribe to more 'out there' magazines and pick up the latest Puppies and Kittens Calendar, then you've come to the right place.
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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR GAMBOL AND JAPES' CUSTOMERS
1. Yes, they really do cry on everybody like that. It's not just you.
2. Yes, they really do believe that Dr. Filibuster's are better than Weasleys Wildfire Whiz-Bangs. You are not imagining things.
3. Yes, that man behind the counter really is one of the owners. They can't afford to hire anyone else.
4. No, you may not run out of the store screaming and seek refuge in Weasleys Wizarding Wheezes. Have some compassion, you're the only other human being who's been in the building in the past six months, you heartless monster. You're all they've got.
5. No, they don't see any problem with the gross breach of personal space while they attach themselves to your leg. Just go with it. They have to sleep eventually.
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10 GOLDEN RULES FOR GRINGOTTS SHMUCKS… I MEAN CUSTOMERS
1. The rhyme: Enter, stranger, but take heed, Of what awaits the sin of greed, For those who take, but do not earn, Must pay most dearly in their turn… And so on and so forth, is not a joke. Please do not think it is.
2. Expanding upon number one, this means that you are not permitted to take more than one mint from the bowl at the help desk. Yes, they are sugar free and so you could theoretically take more than one. However, for every extra mint you take, they take a finger. Now is it really worth it?
3. Muggle-to-Wizarding Exchange Rates are not fair. They never will be. Complaining about this fact is risky business.
4. "One speed only." is not a sign that the Gringotts Goblins hate you. It's a sign that the Gringotts Goblins hate everybody.
5. Stay inside the cart. Seriously. You fall down there, not only are you not coming back but they won't be looking for you. But to satisfy your curiosity: Yes, I thought I saw a dragon down there too.
6. Statistically speaking more Gryffindors get High Security Vaults than the alumni of any other House. The goblins uniforms are red and gold. Coincidence? I think not.
7. Just for the record kids: If you are anywhere outside of Gringotts Wizarding Bank and a stranger with a weird skin condition tries to lead you down a dark pathway with promises of money Just. Run. Away.
8. Sirius Black's Vault number was 711. Albus Dumbledore's Vault number is 713. It is therefore assumed (what with this calibre of persons in place and the Goblin's sense of humour being as twisted as it is) that Lord Voldemort's Vault Number is 712. Who says a trip to the bank can't be interesting? Just in case this happens to be accurate, you may want to invest in a shield cloak if you have to pass any of these vaults.
9. The Goblins names may sound a bit bloody and violence based. They're supposed to.
10. You see that rather large and invasive looking object being wielded by that surprisingly intelligent looking troll? Fact Number One: That's not a troll, that's a Goblin and an engorgement charm, that is. Fact Number Two: That large and invasive object is a Probity Probe. Fact Number Three: It'll feel a hell of a lot larger and more invasive if he does what he wants to do with it. I promise you that. So don't give him a reason.
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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR MADAM MALKIN'S ROBES FOR ALL OCCASIONS CUSTOMERS
1. School rivalries tend to start here. There's no real logic behind why, but it just sort of happens. Perhaps standing on a podium and being eyed up suspiciously by every single passing shopper brings out the worst in people. Perhaps it's preordained. Why knows? The fact is, when you meet someone in Madam Malkin's before starting at Hogwarts, you will not like that person.
2. When nervous or confused, Madam Malkin stabs people with pins. You have been warned.
3. Yes, you are supposed to look like an idiot in that Hogwarts hat. No, it's not their fault. It's just the way things are.
4. If buying dress robes for your child to wear in three weeks, they will fit perfectly in the store. By the time of the event, however, they will be four inches too short. There is no way around this.
5. Madam Malkin's sells both slimming and fattening robes. If you are female, have recently had a child, and are not quite back to your original shape yet, then you may buy slimming robes. Other than that: Don't buy them. Be yourself. Look like yourself. If you're the size of a small killer whale, fine. Be the size of a small killer whale. If you're an anorexic basket case with a thyroid problem, fine. Be a twig! Stop pretending to be something you're not, it's really irritating.
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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR MAGICAL MENAGERIE CUSTOMERS
1. Curiously enough, the Poisonous Orange Snails… are poisonous. Don't touch them. Don't pick them up. And in the case of one particularly deranged customer who I personally have seen in there at least a dozen times: Don't lick them either. Everybody nice and clear on this? Good.
2. While the Magical Menagerie does have a cage full of ravens (which are really really cool, it has to be said), you are not permitted to take a raven to Hogwarts. You are also not permitted to use them as mail carriers. Should you purchase a raven, it must be for traditional eavesdropping and spying purposes only. You may also teach them to do tricks, and to stalk 'Seers' under the guise of a Death Omen. Cruel? Perhaps. Funny? Certainly.
3. If needing to purchase Rat-tonic, Owl-tonic, cat-tonic or indeed any form of tonic, it is recommended that you ask them at the time how in the name of Merlin's Giddy Aunt you're meant to make a rat drink. Have you ever tried to make an owl drink half a bottle of Restorative Tonic a day? They don't respond well to it. And if the phrase 'Gin, slice of lime, ice and a tall glass' enters into the answer, then it is beholden on you as a consumer to beat them to death with your shoe.
4. Fire-Crabs: Pretty but pointless. Rather like Lavender Brown in that aspect really…
5. Indoor domestic rabbits live for six to ten years. If, in six to ten years, you will still be amused by that rabbit turning itself into a hat then go ahead and buy it. If, however, you have an IQ slightly higher than that of the rabbit in question, then you may forgo the rabbit-hat. Buy a dog for crying out loud, at least they have some personality.
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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR OLLIVANDERS' VICTIMS… Ahem. Customers. Yeah. Customers. Don't know what I was thinking. Yeah. Right. "Customers".
1. The Proprietor will regale you with tales of your particular wand's history, whether you want him to or not. While this is impressive the first time, if you ever snap your wand and require another one then you will start to become irritated. It is not, however, recommended that you tell him to stuff it, as he can be rather emotional at times.
2. Should your wand have a particularly gory, bloody or mysterious past it is suggested that you keep your disconcertment as restrained as possible. The old git feeds on your discomfort and will keep you in there for days if he can suck some more fear out of you.
3. Ollivanders has been in place since 382BC (obviously not that particular place but rather it has been established for that long). The current Proprietor may or may not have been in charge the whole time. Nevertheless, any suggestions that he should look into some seriously hardcore moisturising techniques will not be well-received.
4. If you have any problem with your wand (sanguineous history aside), then for God's sake say so in the store. It's your wand, it's something you will use every day for the rest of your life and something which -in the current political climate- you dare not be without. If you feel that the length of the thing is ridiculous, you should say so when something can actually be done about it.
5. If you have previously bought a wand from Mister Ollivander and you are only recently hearing about his alleged allegiance with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Poked-Fun-At, then you are not permitted to let loose a diatribe about how your wand might be booby trapped to blow up. If you're important enough for Death Eaters to want dead, you're important enough for them to want to kill you in person. End of story.
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10 GOLDEN RULES FOR WEASLEYS WIZARDING WHEEZES CUSTOMERS
1. Duck.
2. Cover.
3. If you have made it through the front door and through the initial twelve-person-deep crowd, then you have passed the first test and are worthy to continue on into the inner arena. While you should feel proud of yourself, you should in no way assume that this is the end of your trial. Nor should you assume that you are safe, or that the cute eight-year-old blonde girl in the corner isn't plotting your untimely demise.
4. Canary Creams, while amusing the first time, are mild enough to be eaten at three AM when other biscuits are incommodiously located at the other side of the house. It is therefore recommended that you buy extra for just such an eventuality.
5. While it may be beneficial to certain elements of society to mention that Headless Hats are not only more effective, but also distinctly more aesthetically pleasing, methods of hiding one's identity than Death Eater Masks, it should be noted that this comment is rarely taken well. In fact they get quite insulted.
6. Spell-checking Quills are a waste of time, money and effort. You learned to write for a reason, that reason was so that you wouldn't need these things.
7. On the off chance that your Aunt Louisa Mae dies and you are expected to attend her funeral, even though you hated her with a fiery vengeance, it's advisable to keep a couple of Skiving Snack-boxes to hand even when not actively attending school. It's a fact of life: Nobody can make you do anything if you're puking your guts up on their shoes.
8. It's perfectly acceptable to laugh at U-No-Poo signs. Even the Dark Lord himself probably titters a bit when he says the sentence "The Constipation Sensation that's Gripping the Nation" out loud.
9. Unless you are feeling particularly saccharine, and can therefore say the sentence "Oh how CEEEYOOOT!" without looking revolted, Pygmy Puffs serve no purpose in the life. Save, perhaps, a slightly more interesting Bludger practise.
10. Fear not, fair patrons, just because they've got a good joke shop doesn't mean you can't still insult the Weasley twins AND their kin.
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5 GOLDEN RULES FOR CUSTOMERS OF THE ASSORTED STREET PEDDLERS AROUND DIAGON AND KNOCKTURN ALLEYS
1. If they had anything of value, they'd have sold it to one of the shops and gained a higher profit.
2. If they had anything with any power behind it whatsoever, the Ministry would've regulated it.
3. If they had anything that would be helpful when being attacked by a certain Dark Lord or his followers, they sure as hell wouldn't be selling it; they'd be using it.
4. Honest Willy Wigstaff, a well known street peddler, was written up by the Ministry for selling substandard wands and loose bottomed cauldrons. This is an outrage and something consumers should be made aware of. If you want loose bottomed cauldrons you should go into the cauldron shop and be charged extortionate amounts for them like everybody else.
5. If anyone feels the need to add the word 'Honest' to their name, then it's one of the surest signs imaginable that they're not. Wouldn't you say?
