I'm honestly excited for this chapter. Dr. Membrane is so mysterious and hurt in this story, so I'm excited to show what's going inside his brilliant mind right now.
P.S. - If you were wondering why I call Membrane "Dr.", than "Professor" (which is what he is really called) I just do that out of habit.
I don't own Invader Zim. However, Dizzy does belong to me. Hehehe... yup.
-
- Dr. Membrane's Journal -
What is happening to me?
What happened to the genious Membrane that once created amazing inventions for the world to enjoy?
Why do I feel this way?
Why am I sitting here, in the darkness of my basement?
I look toward the dark, loneliness of my lab... no... it's no longer a lab... it's just a regular basement. I look to the dark loneliness of my basement, yet I find nothing to comfort me anymore. My notes...useless. My experiments...expired. My happiness...no where to be found.
My children... my son, Dib... my daughter...Gaz... they are probably wondering why I am here alone in the basement. I don't know how to explain my unhappiness to my children...
Ever since Dib started elementary school, he has been a smart, yet lonely child. All of the children in his school - even now - made fun of him because he seemed crazy, always talking about aliens, ghosts, vampires, all of these unreal, paranormal exaggerations. I thought it was just a phase, but it took him into high school. I still wonder of his sanity.
I noticed my son was becoming more and more depressed. I was worried about this, and I didn't even bother to ask him what was wrong... and when he finally yelled out his feelings the other day... I lost control of myself. The collected, hard as a rock Dr. Membrane broke down. I couldn't take facing the truth... I was a bad father.
As I sit here at my old writing desk, I look back on all of the years I've called my boy insane, constantly trying to convince to study real science.
When my dear boy said I could never understand what pain he was going through, that's when my mind shut down. That's when my heart could take it no longer. I almost tried to shout back at him that I did understand... maybe I understood even more than he did.
Was I right to keep the secret of me losing my job to Dib? I realize it hurt him when I told him that Gaz knew first, but I was only trying to protect him... but I think that's made him even more depressed.
I'm now staring at that bloody razor. The thing that supposedly made my saddened emotions invisable. I finally managed to put it away 4 years ago. All scars have healed. No trace of the awful secret I kept from my family. I would do anything to keep Dib from suffering like I did. I've learned that cutting my skin only supported myself for more depression and anxiety. It seemed like it helped at the time, but I soon learned it only made myself feel worse.
I need to talk to my son.
My dear Gaz... When she first started elementary... no, kindergarden, she was avoidant of everyone. Even Dib. She would always doodle pictures of somethings... disturbing, somehow always involving her brother. I was shocked at the amount of gore and blood in her first doodle of her kindergarden teacher.
Gaz was always close to... her mother. She seemed to be Gaz's best friend. Gaz was barely ever hateful to her mother, though she always seemed to stay the same old Gaz in some way. I was proud of her confident, hard core spirit. It seemed like no one would stop her from having her dreams coming true. I was amazed at her strong will! She was the perfect daughter!
But then... her mother, my wife, Elizabeth died. Gaz's entire world changed after that. Her drawings ceased. Her grades dropped. She was even more hateful to everyone around her than she ever was. She disbehaved in her best classes... and she still is. And when she said she wanted to be a graphic designer and not a scientist, I knew all hope was lost for the membrane children to follow in their father's footsteps. I felt like a failiure.
Then Gaz and I began arguing more and more. She told me multiple times she hated me and this family. Then I began to go along with her arguments, telling her she's wasting her life by wanting to become a graphic designer, saying she has discraced the Membrane family.
Discraced... wasting her life? What kind of father am I?
I need to talk to my daughter.
I need to talk with my children. I need to tell them how much I love them, appreciate them, and I fully support their dreams. And mostly, I need to tell them the truth. How their father gave in to the agonizing razor blade.
I look to the old picture of Elizabeth and I in the city park when we were much, much younger. Gaz has many of her traits, same body type and hair color. I remember Elizabeth used to badmouth her parents as well. And like Dib, she needed to wear glasses. She was the most wonderful person to be around. She was always so supportive of my experiments, she even assisted me in creating super toast, the breakfast that made her children strong.
I loved her so much. Gaz and Dib went through great struggles after she died, and so did I. Dib once began crying a few years back when I told him to prepare a dinner for three. It was the night after Elizabeth died. I could tell Gaz was greatly upset, because when Dib started crying, she refused her dinner and excused herself to her room.
I've never tred to discuss their mother with them, because I wanted my children to think they had a strong dad. I didn't want them to know that I was actually lonely and sad.
It's late. I've been down here all day, So I think I'll go out for a walk while the children are sleeping. Maybe some fresh air will help me gather my thoughts. It's better than staying in this dark, stuffy basement.
I vow to talk with my children.
Signed,
Ex- Proffesor Membrane
Dr. Membrane bookmarked his journal with one of his wife's hair ribbons and put it in one of the desk's drawers. He stood up and clicked the now flickering blue lamp off. He quietly snuck up the basement stairs, avoiding any creaks in the floorboards. He quickly and quietly opened the door to his bedroom and grabbed a clean lab coat. He slipped on his favorite pair of black boots and black lab gloves. Though he didn't need these clothes any more, he still enjoyed dressing the way he did.
He touched the doornob to the outside, but then stopped. He quickly turned around, finding Gaz sound asleep on the living room couch. Dr. Membrane went closer to her, lifted the notebook Gaz was holding in her two hands as she slept. She had sketched a picture of her father in red ink.
Quietly, Dr. Membrane ripped the picture from Gaz's notebook and folded it into his coat pocket. He stroked his daughter's hair, careful not to wake her up, and walked out the door. The sudden change in temperature caused him to shiver and roll down his lab coat's sleeves. He put his hands in his pocket and began walking down the sidewalk, his left hand holding the picture Gaz had sketched.
Leaves scattered along the sidewalk, leaving the trees completely naked. A cold wind suddenly sped by, causing Membrane to shiver. He pulled his coat tighter to his body.
Unknowingly, he drew closer to a tall, thin green house. The house was very... Odd looking. With it's plastic puffer fish popping out from behind the wooden fence, creepy lawn gnomes, and an odd sign nailed to a wooden opst coming up from behind the fence that read, "I LOVE EARTH".
And there, sitting on the front step, sat a green skinned teenage girl, with a blanket over her shoulder, staring at the brightened stars. She shivered slightly. When she spotted Membrane, she froze in fear of being beaten again. She stared at him with great caution.
Membrane reconized here - she was... Dizzy? - He'd seen her hanging around Dib before. He approached her slowly. Dizzy didn't take her eyes off of him. When Membrane was about a meter away, she quickly stood, reaching her hand to the doornob.
"Do not be afraid," Dr. Membrane said, more quiet than usual. "I am Dr. Membrane, Dib's father."
Dizzy's stiffened body slightly became more relaxed, but she still looked to him cautiously. "D-dr. Membrane?" She managed to get out. She let go of the doornob. He came closer.
"You're one of Dib's friends, aren't you?" He asked. Dizzy nodded. "Why are you out here alone? It's freezing.."
"I haven't been outside in awhile." Dizzy replied. She sat back down on the front step, Membrane joined her. "Neither have I." He commented.
For awhile, neither of them said anything to each other. Membrane could see a great amount of sadness and fear in Dizzy's Deep blue eyes. Her hair looked matted - like it hadn't been washed in awhile. She shivered once more.
Membrane quickly looked away. He could see why Dib was around her so much - she was a very pretty girl, despite the fact that she had neither a nose nor ears. Dizzy looked at him.
"Why are you
out here?" She asked in a shaky voice. Membrane looked back at
her. What was he to say? He was upset that his wife died, his kids
hate him and he's been keeping a rotting secret from them for over 4
years?
"Actually,"
He replied, an invisable light bulb appearing over his head, "I
would like to ask a favor of you." Dizzy gave him another
cautious look. He explained that Dib seemed depressed, and that he
knew that she was a good friend of his. She nodded. He also explaned
that he wants to talk with him, but knew that Dib would refuse to
speak with him.
"I need you to send him a message," Membrane said, speaking more confidently. "Tell him in any way you can to meet a friend in the park tomorrow at seven thirty after school. Do you think you could do that?"
Dizzy nodded slowly in agreement. Membrane grinned under his coat's long colar. "...But I'd like something in return." Dizzy added. Membrane's grin vanished, listening intently. Dizzy's eyes became slightly wet, but she wiped them away with her blanket. "Please... please find a way.." She sniffed. "..please find a way to find my friend to stop smoking!" Membrane said nothing. Did she mean Zim? He knew she did. He nodded in agreement. Anything, he thought, Anything for my children to speak to me again.
Dizzy twitched a very small, yet sad smile. "Thank you..." She whispered. She held her arms tightly, still shivering from the cold. She stared in front of her, thinking about Zim, and how worried she was for him. He was down in his lab all day, smoking on those cigarettes. He had ignored her when she suggested him to open a window.
"Alright," Membrane said, lifting Dizzy up by her arm. "You need to get inside. I'm no doctor, so I can't help you if you catch a cold. Don't worry, I'll help your friend, if you tell Dib what I've told you." Dizzy nodded. Unexpectingly, she gave Membrane a small embrace before she disappeared inside the house. Dizzy did this to everyone out of gratitude, but Membrane was not used to it. He sighed and began walked in the direction of his home.
Membrane managed to sneak back into his house unnoticed. Gaz was still fast asleep on the couch, only she unknowingly dropped her notebook as she drifted off into her dreams. Membrane quietly picked it up and placed it on the desk next to the couch. He then slipped into his bedroom and slept for the rest of the night.
-
The next morning, Dib groaned as his digital alarm clock noised loudly at 5 a.m. He curled his fist and hit the clock as hard as he could, causing him to sit up on his bed, holding his hand in pain from the hit. He let it go after 3 minutes of cursing his hand and began to dress for school. He quickly slipped on his black, frown faced T-shirt, along with a regular pair of black pants, buckled with a black studded belt. He buckled on his black combat boots, decorated with some old chains Dib had found in his basement. Once he slipped on his red trench coat and his glasses, he was set.
Dib quietly walked downstairs, his black backpack hanging over his shoulder. He wondered if the teachers, or anyone noticed that he skipped school for the last few days. The truth was, he was afraid of running into that kid again, the one who beat him. He probably needed a whole lot of stitches for what Dib had done to him.
He was about to open the door to the outside, when he noticed Gaz was still sleeping on the couch. She must have been watching television late last night and fell asleep in front of it. He sighed. Dib decided not to wake her up, considering he yelled at her last night. And hey, maybe dad would crawl out of his little hole and talk with her. So he let Gaz sleep on the couch.
When he stepped outside, he was surprised to see Dizzy by the fence, waiting for him. He quickly ran to her. "Hey, you feeling better?" He asked, realizing he never visited her.
"Uhm... yes, I'm fine.." Dizzy replied. She leaned was careful not to lean against their family's electric fence. She put her arms behind her back. "Hey Dib, ant to meet me in the park after school today? Around seven?" She asked.
Dib gave her a look. "Kind of late.." He said, "..but sure." He had to agree, maybe she wanted to talk about what happened to her. Maybe she wanted to catch up on things.
"Great!" She said, smiling. Dib hadn't seen her smile in a long time, ever since she was beaten, he hardly ever saw anyone smile anymore. He barely smiled anymore. Dib smiled right back at her, and walked with her down the darkened sidewalk.
"So... uh... Zim, he's uh..." Dib tried to find the right words. Dizzy looked at him. "I know." She said, her smile disappeared. "He came home the other day and went straight to his lab, and never came back up."
"Sounds like my dad." Dib chuckled. Dizzy remembered the conversation she and Membrane had last night.
"..How is you dad?" She asked. Before Dib could answer, he suddenly tripped over his large combat boots. He tumbled face first on the ground, dropping everything he held. Dizzy covered her mouth, hiding a small smile. She bent down and helped Dib up from the ground.
"Are you okay?" She asked worriedly.
"U-uh, yeah... yeah I'm okay.." Dib's face burned. He always managed to look completely idiotic in front of anyone he was with. He and Dizzy bent down to pick up the books that had fallen form his bookbag. Suddenly, Dizzy let out a yalp. She lifted her hand, blood smeared on her palm. Dib stared in shock at the razor blade that had fallen from his pocket.
"W-what is this..?" Dizzy blurted out nervously, picking up the bloody razor she had accidentally laid her hand on. Dib bit his lip. Dizzy looked at him. "Where... where did this come from?" She asked. She was barely able to spot the blade in her hand because of the darkness. Only a tiny bit of sunlight peered over the tall buildings. Dib had no idea what to say.
"I-I don't know where that came from. Probably just some trash." He said a quick lie. "Let's hurry to Skool so you can clean up that cut." Dizzy looked at him suspiciously, but agreed. They continued their walk toward school, with Dib carefully slipping the razor blade he quickly picked up before they left.
First period, Attended.
Second period, skipped.
Third period, skipped.
Fourth period, skipped.
Dib managed to skip every class after first period. His mind couldn't concentrate on school work, only on how he had fallen, how the razor had fallen from his pocket. After that little incident, he knew his secret was no longer safe.
Storm clouds choked the sky, the sun was covered. All shadows faded. Dib sat inside the blue bathroom stall, smiling maniacally at his deep, fresh cuts into his left arm. At these moments, he didn't care about anything anymore. He didn't care that he yelled at his sister, he didn't care that his father was acting like a troll while living in his basement all of the time, he didn't care that the floor tiles were now stained with his own blood.
He cut himself more now than he did ever, continuously putting the razor to skin without another thought. He chuckled. He loved this feeling... he loved this state of mind... he loved the feeling of being careless.
Dib gave a big sigh. He stood from the toilet, quietly cracked open the stall door, checking if anyone was in the bathroom with him. No one was there. He opened the door fully, walked to a sink and held his bloody arm over it. He prepared himself for the sting from the hand soap, but suddenly stopped right before he squirted the soap onto his hand. Dib looked into the mirror in front of him and gasped. His childhood was staring him right in the eye.
It was him, back when he was young. He had on his old black trench coat, his strange, smiley face t-shirt, black pants and combat boots. His eyes reflected his inner anger and sadness. Dib backed away in fear.
"What do you think you are doing?" His reflection asked. Dib stared at his talking reflection, dumbstruck. "Put that disgusting thing away!" The reflection pointed at the razor blade Dib held in his bloody hand.
"W-what? You mean the razor?" Dib asked shakily, not completely sure how to reply to his own reflection. Am I delirious?
"No, of course not... Yes the razor, you idiot!" The reflection hissed, "Can't you see that thing is destroying you? It hasn't been that long, and you're already going crazy over it. It's made you depressed, angry and sad. You are hurting those who are living with you - Gaz, Dad, especially Dizzy. Zim even has his concerns."
"Shut up!" Dib yelled, not wanting to hear any of this, "Cutting makes me feel better! You're just my reflection, you wouldn't understand.."
"...what you're going through?" The reflection crossed his arms. "Who do you think you're talking to? Did you forget that I'm you?" Dib clenched his teeth. He had enough of this nonsense. He held the razor tightly in his hand and ran out of the bathroom. He didn't stop running down the hallway, past the lockers, through the crowding people trying to squeeze in to their next class. No one seemed to notice him, but one.
Dib didn't stop running through the Skool until he made it off of the front steps. Rain was already falling. A small puddle was formed in front of him, and there was his reflection. Only it was no longer him when he was young, it was Dib as he was now... Dib was disturbed. Black circled his eyes, he looked like he hadn't slept or eaten for days, and the cuts on his arms.. he was revolted. But why did he feel this way now? Why didn't he feel so disgusted with himself before?
A new image appeared in the puddle. Dib was shocked to see his mother's reflection. A image of anger, sadness and depression. Dib stared, a clump of guilt in the pit of his stomach. He held his left hand in front of himself and looked at it's cuts. They weren't even cuts anymore, they were deep, black gashes. He quivered at the sight of his arm, now completely destroyed by the cuts and gashes. He looked at his palm. There it was. The first accidental cut he recieved from a broken piece of glass. It was healing normally, but it was still very noticable. Dib spat at it. That was it.. he whispered under the pattering sound of raindrops hitting the concrete. That was the first time.. that was the first time all of this started. The lies, the yelling, the guilt, the anxiety... the pain.
Dib faced the sky, staring at the thick raindrops falling down to earth. He screamed. It was such a beautiful feeling... but then it turned into an ugly monster. He was sick of his own lies. He was sick of being angry all the time for no reason. He was sick of hating his father. He was sick of keeping this secret. He was sick of being all alone during this.
Dib looked down at his waist to see two thin, black gloves wrap themselves around him. He heard a child's wimper.
Dizzy dug her cheek into Dib's neck, hugging him gently. It made sense now. This is why Dib is acting so strange... this is why Zim was so angry at him.
Dib stared down at the puddle in front of him once more. There he saw the same reflection he saw back in the restroom. His childhood reflection. It gave him a sign of relief. Dib closed his eyes and watched as all of the sadness, depression and anxiety slowly slipped away.
-
Whew! It took me a fair while to write this chapter.
Oh yes, before i go any further, I'd like to say - HAPPEH HALLOWEEN! Anyway...
Trust me, I hate putting Membrane and Dib through all of this torment just as much as you do, but it's what makes a hurtful and depressing story... well.. hurtful and depressing.
Stay tuned for the next chapter!
