Remembrance and Renewal by Avatar Arkmage and Nigel Tatsuya
Chapter Thirty: Breakdown/Breakthrough
Severus saw the stars in the chasm above the roof of the second Snape Manor blur. Simultaneously, he felt long repressed tears force their way from his eyes. He bit his lower lip to still it, but more tears came notwithstanding.
"They're going to question me!" Severus asked incredulously. "Why not say they are going to torture me! I've yet to heal fully!"
"Alas, dear child. You bear the Death Eater's mark..." Albus lamented. "Regardless of how the mark came to be upon your arm, in the Ministry's eyes, you are a Death Eater."
"I can't even give father a proper burial!" Severus whimpered, clutching Lucien's still form protectively in his arms. "The Ministry only will see Lucien Snape as an unreformed Death Eater. He'll be branded a criminal! People will spit on his grave! And curse his soul!"
Albus lowered his head and tried to console the teenaged Severus Snape. "Oh father...! Father! First The Dark Lord tortures mother into insanity... The Death Eaters use me until I nearly die from my own injuries. Some one killed father with unspeakable torture..." Severus buried his face in Lucien's chest once more. "AND NOW THE MINISTRY WANTS TO 'QUESTION' ME!"
"Severus, in the hospital you volunteered to spy for the light..."
"I MEANT IT!"
"I know you did, Severus." Albus said, sitting next to the distraught young man. "That is why I will testify on your behalf...they still however want to question you."
"You mean they want to finish off what the Death Eaters started!" Severus retorted. "I was already partially guilty merely for being the son of Lucien Snape, and The Mark on my arm..." The dark-haired youth could no longer continue, and sobbed into his sire's still chest.
Let me do what I can to help you." Albus wrapped his arms around the wounded youth, and held him as he broke down completely. As the minutes wore on, Severus's cries gradually become more like that of a frightened child, than of a young man.
Albus did not know at the time, but Severus was not only grieving the loss of his parents, but also of Lily Evans and of the child that was never conceived.
"I know I can't bury father in any public place." Severus said later that day, his eyes still puffy. "People will desecrate his grave once word gets out that he was a Death Eater."
"We will have to act quickly." Albus said, noting how Lucien's body was stiffening.
"I know the place." Severus dabbed at his eyes. "One place he was truly happy. Where he'll be happy even in his death..."
Quietly, Severus, Albus Dumbledore, Minerva McGonagall, YiChung Chang, Filius Flitwick and the other Hogwarts Professors, along with some of Severus's University Professors dug a grave beneath the floor of Lucien Snape's potion lab.
"Farewell, father. I'm sending your favourite vials and other lab equipment with you..." there was not a dry eye in the deserted potions lab as Severus leaned over his father, kissed him on the forehead and placed a stirrer and a beaker in his hands. "I love you, father! I may been nothing more than a disappointment to you, but I tried. I really did." Severus leaned close to his father's left ear, and whispered: "No matter what, I love you, father."
With that, Lucien Snape was laid to rest in the very place he had been so content in his life.
That night, after all the guests had left, Severus drew himself a hot bath and sank chin-deep into the water. He felt so dirty. Dirty because he had the mark on his arm. Dirty because he had failed to keep his parents safe. Dirty because he had caused Lily grief. Dirty because he had been a disappointment to everyone, including his father. Dirty because he had denied his son life...just the same as if he had killed him personally. Dirty because the Death Eaters had violated him...used him...not even Lily would want him to touch her ever again.
Severus picked out a particularly abrasive and caustic bar of soap from the cupboard and a scrubbing brush with firm bristles. He returned to the bath and began scrubbing away his perceived filth. Try as he might, the putrefactive feeling remained, even after he had abraded his skin and started it bleeding in a few places.
"Sevvie!" came Lucien's disembodied voice.
Thinking the voice was only was product of his anguish, Severus continued at his task.
"Sevvie! You will cease that immediately." Lucien's voice resounded once more.
By now the stinging in his abraded skin increased to the point where it was almost unbearable, but Severus did not stop and dismissed Lucien's voice.
"SEVERUS SNAPE!" Lucien's voice sounded one more time.
Suddenly a ghostly hand struck the soap and brush out of Severus's grasp, causing the sorrowful teen to turn...
...and stare into the face of LUCIEN SNAPE.
"Father!" Severus cried at the ghost, leaping out of the bath and backing away.
"Severus!" the ghostly figure said, moving cautiously towards his son.
"No father! I did nothing wrong!" Severus cried, reaching for his wand even though his body was still covered with soap.
"Sevvie...wait!"
"NO!" Severus screamed, running out of the washroom.
Severus slammed, and cast a locking charm on the washroom door behind him, but the spectre walked right through the door.
"No father! Please! Whatever I did, I'm sorry! I won't do it again! Please please! Don't beat me! Please don't beat me, father, I'm not yet healed! I'm still in a lot of pain!"
"Sevvie...wait...I..."
But Severus wasn't listening. The frightened youth shifted out of the spirit's reach and sprinted out of Snape Manor with nothing more than his wand and the large quantity of soap on his flesh. He turned around and cast wards so powerful over the Snape Manor that not even a spirit could pass through them.
"You'll not hurt me anymore, father!"
"Father?" came Harry's childlike voice from behind Severus, breaking into his reverie. "What are you doing outside. Aren't you coming to bed?"
"Harry," Severus said without turning around. "Go away..."
Severus realized too late that ordering Harry to go away would only make him more persistent. "Father? What's wrong?"
Severus ignored Harry and tried to discreetly wipe his eyes on his sleeve. The subtle gesture did not escape Harry's keen gaze and Harry knelt beside his sire and pulled on his nightshirt. "Father...?"
"I...SAID..." as though Severus had finally lost what little tenuous control he had left, he turned around and raised his hand "...GO..." the hand came down firmly "...AWAAAAAYY!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Harry screamed.
Severus's hand struck flesh...HARD.
"Waaah! ahhh! ahhh! ahhh!" cried Harry frantically.
When Severus proverbially came to his senses, he gazed in horror at what he had done...
He had backhanded... Rastus!
"YOU HIT RASTUS!" bawled Harry.
"Rastus!" Severus said, not believing what had just happened. "Rastus, I'm sorry! I-I didn't mean it..."
The octarelf looked at Severus, a bright red mark darkening under his tearful eyes. "It is acceptable. Rastus expects his human masters to hit him. Wizards have always treated house elves like vermin. Rastus is used to it." To both Harry and Severus's astonishment, Rastus lowered his head. "But Rastus does not want Master Severus to hit young Snape so Rastus pushed young Snape out of the way. Rastus is very sorry for going against Master Severus...Master Severus be wanting Rastus to leave Snape Manor now?"
Severus could not believe what he had just done. In fact, he was horrified. He had gone to strike Harry and had compounded matters by backhanding his treasured house elf in his stead. Why had he even struck out at Harry? Did he truly want Harry to fear him as he had feared his own father? Noting that Harry and Rastus would not remove their accursed stares from him until he answered, Severus retorted: "Did I not promise to provide you a place to stay and serve for the rest of your life?"
"Yes sir." the elf bawled.
"Are you dead yet?" asked Severus.
"No, Master Severus." The woeful, amber-eyed elf rubbed his aching cheek and gently urged Harry to stay behind him. He would bear any forthcoming physical attacks from his beloved master personally.
But Severus had no intention of striking anyone, nor had he expected to do so earlier. Internally, he wished he would have instead split into two separate entities, and that he had struck his own self...preferably the side of him that was most like his father. Severus had often wished he could create a potion that would kill that part of him for good. That violent part of him that lashed out at students and peers. That facet of his being that kept him from allowing himself the comfort of anyone close for fear of hurting them.
As much as Severus had admired Lucien, he had also been terrified of him. He was still afraid of him. And he despised himself for becoming so much like him. Now Harry would fear him in the same way he had feared Lucien. Even Rastus would be afraid...he had not acted out against Rastus in the nearly seventeen years the elf had resided at Snape Manor.
Being back at Snape Manor, while necessary to ensure Harry's future well being, was almost devastating for Severus. Many wounds, which festered invisible, but unhealing, beneath the figurative dressings of time and non- remembrance, were torn open and were bleeding once more.
Severus had become a proficient occlumens largely out of necessity. Severus had been given the name "Snivellus" during his first year at Hogwarts due to his unfortunate tendency to cry quite often and with seemingly little provocation. James Potter and Sirius Black had noticed him crying on their very first day at Hogwarts and mocked him whenever they caught him crying thereafter. Even if they found him when he wasn't crying, and they were in the mood to harass him, James or Sirius could bring him to tears quite easily.
Over time, Severus had learned to repress his tears and the painful memories that caused them by cluttering his mind with more productive pursuits. He developed many new and innovative potions, while repressing his grief over loved ones lost. Severus had created new ways to teach potions to even the most dull Hufflepuff while trying to forget the many varieties of abuse he had endured both in his youth and as an adult. While trying to forget his beloved green eyed angel and the only woman he had ever given his heart to, Severus perfected many of his better methods of espionage.
He berated himself thoroughly now. He had almost hit the last vestige of Lily left in the world. He had almost hit his own son. And had struck his precious house elf. Severus had momentarily lost control and lashed out; unfortunately, against those dearest to him. He had to make amends. But how could he atone for abusing others as he had been abused for years?
Before either Rastus or Harry could run off, Severus gathered both in his arms and charged back through the maple doors and into one of the nearest rooms, which, like many other rooms in Snape Manor, had been converted into a small potions lab.
Severus motioned toward the ceiling, causing candles floating all over the room to ignite simultaneously. He then eased Harry to the floor and placed Rastus on a wide, leather chair in a corner of the Spartan room. With a docile, unhurried demeanor, Severus examined the darkening contusion his fist had left on the part-elf's cheek. Severus was sure he had struck Rastus with enough force to break a considerable number of blood vessels and might have even knocked some of the octarelf's teeth loose. "Open your mouth, Rastus."
The pale servant complied. Thankfully, with the exception of some bleeding along the gums, the damage was not very severe. "Rastus, did you take your dream suppressor potion before you retired this evening?" Severus asked in an abnormally calm voice that disturbed Harry greatly.
"Yes Master Severus." The elf wiped away tears as he spoke, only to have more tears replace them.
"Then I'll not be able to give you a healing potion." Severus said, wiping the elf's face with his own sleeve. "But I can give you a topical preparation."
"No need to go through such troubles for Rastus."
Severus did not respond. As though he were merely brewing a routine potion, Severus walked over to one of the cupboards and gathered the ingredients he would need. He placed a small cauldron on the counter and spelled a fire under it.
Harry grew ever more appalled as he watched the proficient man calmly prepare the topical potion, as though everything were normal. How could he carry on so peacefully when the situation was anything but peaceful? Harry slid into the chair, and enfolded Rastus in his arms. All his dreams of having a loving, compassionate father seemed to dissolve. Did father really not care about what he had done? Did he really not feel any remorse? How could father do such a thing? "You hit Rastus! Waaaaaaaaaaaah! You HIT RASTUS!" Harry shouted at his father's back. The young boy pulled the elf's hand away from the inflamed bruise and kissed it repeatedly, as though he were trying to make the damage and the pain go away by his affections alone.
The tearful house elf shifted in the chair and returned Harry's embrace. "Young Snape is a merciful wizard. Rastus is appreciating of it. But Master Severus is a kind master and does not hurt Rastus because he is a cruel master..."
"Father!" Harry gingerly slipped out of Rastus's shaking arms and stood beside Severus, who was placing herbs into a small, porcelain bowl. He threw both of arms around his father's waist. He desperately wanted to know why he had struck Rastus for seemingly no reason at all. "WHY? WHY? Why did you hit Rastus?"
Severus did not answer as he added a few pinches of a powdery substance to the bowl and spooned an oily base into the caldron. He calmly added dried herbs to the bowl and picked up the pestle. At least, Harry thought he appeared calm, until Severus began to pulverize the mixture and broke the bowl itself in the process.
Harry was used to seeing Professor Snape doing everything with a dexterity he had never seen anyone else match. The fragments of the bowl, the spilled powders and herbs and Severus's trembling hands indicated that all was not well with the potions master.
Harry retrieved another bowl from a nearby cupboard and handed it to Severus, who quickly, and silently prepared a second batch of healing salve. When the ointment was completed, Severus spelled it cool and knelt in front of the octarelf and tenderly applied it to the bruised area. "It will absorb into your skin." Severus began, frowning at the house elf's tears which were washing away the potion before it had the chance to work. "Should the pain not subside within ten minutes, inform me, and I shall concoct a bit more."
When Rastus's tears washed away the last of the ointment, Severus took the elf in his arms and tilted his head back so that the tears would be rerouted. He then applied the rest of the topical preparation, and held the elf in his arms until the potion began to change colour. "Master Severus you is so kind!"
Because Harry was staring at Severus's face, he noticed the slightest shift in his father's expression. Severus had chafed at the praise. And why not? He did not deserve it. He had caused the injury to Rastus in the first place, after all.
The salve quickly disappeared into the part-elf's skin, and the red and purple bruise began to fade almost instantaneously. Harry leaned over and kissed the house elf's cheek once more. He just did not know what else to do or say.
Severus put Rastus back in the chair, then began to put away the equipment. Once he had finished, he started to spell the area clean. It was then, that both Harry and Rastus noticed that Severus was quivering ever more and more as he worked. When he knelt to put the caldron in one of the low cupboards, he upset a few jars on the shelf immediately above it and sent them crashing to the floor.
Rastus immediately stood to assist Severus in the clean up, but Severus silkily told Rastus to remain seated. Harry took a few tentative steps toward his sire and froze when he saw the man's hands trembling so much that he could not even hold the dusting brush properly. Severus drew his wand and spelled the debris into a nearby bin before moving toward one of the empty chairs in the room.
He never made it to the chair.
Severus lost his footing and fell, but did not hit the floor. Seeing what was happening, Rastus quickly sprang from the chair and caught his cherished master in his strong arms and let him on the floor gently. Harry joined them upon the cool marble.
"Father?" Harry, seeing that Severus was so uncharacteristically unsteady, moved behind him in case he fell backwards. He lovingly put both hands on his father's shoulders and scooted up behind him, saying 'lean against me' without words "You...you didn't really intend to hit Rastus did you?"
Severus buried his face once more in his hands. He did not want Harry, or anyone else for that matter, to see him this way.
"Hang on..." The boy's eyes widened. "You... you were going to hit ME, weren't you?"
No answer.
"Father!" Harry's already high pitched voice went even higher. "WHY! Why were you going to hit me?"
Behind his hands, Severus engaged in yet another battle in the ongoing war against his own tears, even as they came at him in full force with more reinforcements forthcoming.
"Are you angry with me?" Harry whimpered. "Did I do something bad? What did I do? What did I do? Whatever I did, I'm sorry! I won't do it again!"
"You did nothing." was all Severus could manage. It horrified him how much Harry sounded like him when he was younger. How many times had he said variants of those very words to his own father? The difference was, Lucien would have hit him for even asking. Sometime Lucien beat Severus for infractions Severus was not even aware he had committed. Sometimes it seemed that Lucien had beat him simply because he was angry.
Harry moved in front of Severus and closed his eyes. "Go on then. Go on and hit me."
Severus was stunned.
"I must have done something really bad to deserve it." Harry said, remaining steadfast with his eyes closed. "I feel awful that Rastus got hurt instead of me, and I don't want you to stay angry, so go on then. Smack me. Get it out of your system."
Severus lightly put one hand on Harry's shoulder and the other on Rastus. "As I've said before, you did nothing. Harry, Rastus...I apologize. It was very wrong of me to strike either of you. I have no intention of doing so now. Neither of you did anything warranting corporal punishment." said Severus firmly, even as unshed tears glistened in his eyes. Inwardly, he thought of all the deeds he had done, and had not done in his youth, and wondered which of those had warranted all the corporal punishments he had received from Lucien Snape. "Now go back to bed, both of you. I wish to be alone."
Rastus stood immediately, bowed and made to leave, but Harry stayed him by grabbing his wrist.
"Young Snape, Master Severus has given us a direct order..." said Rastus.
"No." Harry stated.
Severus glared at his son, and Harry glared back at him in return. "Rastus, I order you to stay."
The house elf looked from one to the other, not sure whose orders he should follow. The father who was his master for many years? Or the son, who held his wrist so firmly that escape without the use of magic would be difficult.
"Harry..." Severus said warningly.
"No. We will not leave you alone." Harry said, watching Severus holding an intense look on his face while trying to blink the tears away. "I think being alone is the last thing you need right now."
"How can you presume..."
"Because I may not have known you long, but I know you well enough to know when something is really wrong. And I know right now, you need us." Harry answered back, tears running down his own cheeks. Harry paused to sniffle a few times before going on. "And family does not abandon a family member who needs them. I won't let you push me or Rastus away this time."
Severus opened his mouth to respond, but the lump growing inexorably in his throat inhibited his speech. He could only stare, unblinking at Harry. Harry stared back with tears running freely down his cheeks. In desperation, Severus attempted to change the subject. "Harry, tell me why you came looking for me? What woke you?"
"I had a nightmare." Harry whimpered. "I dreamt I was walking up and the down the street in front the entrance to Snape Manor. Only, I felt scared to go through the barrier. My whole body hurt like I had been healing from bad injuries. Injuries that I barely survived. And I remembered being scared that my father would beat me when I got home."
Although Severus was caught off guard at this, he willed his expression neutral.
"Then I realized that I wasn't me. Because that father I was afraid of, wasn't you..." Harry snivelled. "It was grandfather. I was scared he was going to use a belt, or a whip to beat me. Maybe even beat me until I passed out. I was hoping he would only slap me or something, but on the side of my face that wasn't so broken."
It took all of Severus's will to keep his composure. He would not lose control in front of anyone again.
"I kept thinking...'please don't beat me father, I'm already in pain.' And it's true, in the dream I couldn't walk well, it hurt to sit down, and my entire body ached a lot." Harry shivered at the memory of the pain. "Then I decided that I should go home because if I didn't go right then, my father might be even more angry and hurt me even worse. I was about to walk into the tree when I kicked something on the ground by the barrier..."
Severus almost begged Harry not to continue. He did not wish to be reminded of this.
"And then I woke up." said Harry. "I realized that Rastus was sleeping next to me, and that you weren't in the bed, so I figured that you were in the loo. I thought back on the dream whilst I was waiting, and realized that I was not me in the dream... I was you, and I was scared of what grandfather was going to do to me."
Silence.
"When you didn't come back for a while, I searched around Snape Manor for you, but you weren't anywhere inside. So I decided to check outside. Rastus was also awake by then, and came to tell me to come back to bed, but I didn't want to go back to sleep without knowing where you were. I really enjoy sleeping next to you, you know. In fact, I really enjoy being by you all the time. "
Harry sniffled and regarded his father with the love only a child could hold for a parent. "I never had a loving parent before, and I don't know, but I just love being around you. I feel so safe, so happy...like the world is a nice place, like life is something to be enjoyed."
Severus, who continued to stare unblinking at Harry, felt a second wave of tears well in his eyes.
"Another reason I wanted to find you was because I had this strange feeling that the dream wasn't a normal dream. It felt something like when we did occlumency together, and I managed to get into your mind." Harry paused, and wrapped his arms even tighter around his father's neck. "It felt like a memory, but it wasn't my memory... it was your memory wasn't it?"
"I do not wish to elaborate." Severus retorted.
"Is it possible I'm doing legilimency while I'm sleeping?"
"No. Legillimency would require that you consciously use magic, and you cannot do that safely right now. And you cannot do it as you slumber." Severus sighed. "It would appear that we have a deeper connection than that."
"Deeper?"
"Yes. Recall that you once believed I could read minds?"
Harry strained his child's mind to remember what seemed to have occurred so long ago. It felt like another lifetime entirely. "Uh huh?"
"Well barring the use of Legilimency, I am incapable of delving into the thoughts of others." Severus explained. "Although when you first came to Hogwarts, I felt a connection to you I could not explain. I could not read your mind, but there was what could best be defined as an empathic connection."
"Like how you always seemed to know when I needed help from you? You could feel when I was scared or in trouble? And you knew I was there even when I was hiding under the invisibility cloak?"
"Yes." Severus replied, finding it somewhat odd that although both Rastus and Harry still had their hands on him, he was not ill at ease because of it. If anything, their touches were comforting. "At first, I thought it was merely because of our indirect connection through the Dark Lord ... meaning that your scar and my Dark Mark somehow enhanced our abilities to connect on that level with one another."
"But it's not, is it?" Harry extrapolated. "Is this connection because we're father and son?"
"It would appear so." Severus turned to Harry and then to Rastus. "It is late, both of you. You'd best go to bed."
"No father." Harry said defiantly. "I want to know more about the dream...no the memories I was picking up from you... it's still bothering you isn't it? You were thinking about it just this evening right?"
"It is of no consequence to you." Severus snapped. "Now go back to bed...I will join you shortly."
Harry shook his head and just held onto Rastus's hand while hugging Severus tighter. "I don't think being alone is what you need right now. It's not what any of us need."
"You do not understand..."
"I do understand!" Harry countered, noticing that Severus's eyes glistened more than normal and he hadn't blinked for quite some time. "You think I don't understand things just because I'm a little kid? You think I don't understand what it's like to be... to be abused? To be scared of the people who take care of me? You think I don't know what it feels like to be punished for breaking rules I didn't even know I broke?"
"Harry, you did not break any rules this eve- ..."
"Then why did you try to hit me?" Harry started whimpering once again. "If I didn't do anything wrong, why were you so mad at me?"
"I wasn't mad AT you...!"
"Then," Harry clutched Severus so tightly that the older man could no longer move, "why did you try to hit me? Are you mad at me?" Harry fully broke down. "You... do you... hate... me.. so... much?"
"I do not hate you!" Severus's voice faded to the whisper that came across the same as though he were shouting. "If I hated you, I would not have saved your life all those times! If I hated you, I would have given you more detentions than you already received!" his voice dropped a few more decibels. "If I truly hated you, I would not have brought you back to Snape Manor and spent time with you here... If I hated you, I would have sent you back to the Dursleys..."
Severus stopped when he saw horror race across Harry's features then turn back to sadness once more. "Then...why did you try to hit me?"
At that, Severus buried his face in his hands. He had never felt more guilt than he did at this moment. He did not want to tell Harry the reason he had struck out at him...he did not fully understand why himself. "Just...I-I lost control! I've already apologized for it. It was an error on my part. Now go back to bed!"
"No." Harry stood resolute. "You can punish me for disobeying you, but I won't leave you right now. And.." although tears flowed copiously down his cheeks, Harry did not bother to brush them away. "I think I know why you did it..."
Severus looked up in awe.
"You did it because...because your father did it to you." Harry did not miss the microgesture...his father flinched. "I saw bits and pieces of your life when I was a spirit. I saw him beat you a lot... and the memory I felt from you earlier. You were very afraid of him. You're still scared of him now, even though he's dead!"
Severus winced once more although he did his best to look like he was scowling.
"And you feel betrayed because the one who was supposed to care for you the most hurt you the most too." Even though his de-aged brain caused him to interpret things in more simplified ways, Harry could tell by his father's reactions that he was dead on. "Do you think you deserved what he did to you?"
"Yes, I deserved most of the punishments I received."
"But not all of them!" Harry persisted. "You know what I think? I think you deserved almost NONE of them! Do you think you deserved all those thrashings? Being immersed in water hot enough to burn you? Did you say things that were so bad you deserved to be slapped in the face for them? Sometimes grandfather slapped you when you didn't say anything at all! What could you have done that was so bad, that you deserved to be flogged with the belt until you were bleeding?"
"Harry! Stop this! I do not wish to discuss this matter further. It is past..."
"I'm not finished!" Harry shouted. "I was going to say that you were beaten so much...maybe you think it's normal, and it was almost a reflex that you went to hit me."
"There's nothing normal about..." Severus finally attempted to blink the tears that had been collecting in his eyes away, but the action sent the tears down his cheeks instead.
"Tell me what's wrong, You... you're really... sad about something aren't you, father?"
Severus could only shake his head.
Harry stared at his father, and images of flinching from the violent hands of Lucien Snape flashed in his mind. In concert with the fear, Harry felt an underlying sense of shame, betrayal and a need for approval and love from the abusive man. Overlaying it all, was great sorrow.
Severus realized what Harry was trying to do, and desperately used his skills at Occlumency to force Harry from his mind. But Harry could not be pushed away completely, and from the little boy, he felt deep feelings of concern, worry, and a love that was so deep that it threatened to overwhelm him. Harry rested his chin on Severus's shoulder and the older man immediately felt a sense of absolution along with even more love than he thought possible from one so tiny as Harry. It was then that Severus realized that there was nothing magical about the connection he shared with his child. The bond was unfathomable, all encompassing, and overwhelming.
The bond was spiritual.
"I think I ought to tell you something." Harry leaned into Severus's shoulder more. "About Grandfather."
"...!"
"While I was outside my body, I saw the time after you took the Dark Mark." Harry began,"you and grandad made all those potions for Mouldyshorts, and then when you were done, you went home. Whilst Grandad was finishing things in the lab, Voldemort..."
"Do not speak his name!" Severus hissed.
"Sorry, Mouldyshorts then, well he came to see Grandfather, and he asked for eight hours worth of the Animalia potion..."
Severus recoiled at that. "Harry...STOP! STOP THIS AT ONCE!"
"No father, please just listen." Harry continued. "Grandfather would not give him the potions. He started smashing the vials of Animalia potion so that Mouldyshorts couldn't use them against you."
The dour potion master's face turned ashen.
"Grandfather said that when the Animalia had been used against him..."
"GREAT MERLIN!" Severus gasped. "It was used against him too!"
"It was. Only from what I could tell, the people that took it got the full eight hours of it."
"Oh...oh..." Severus was shivering now, tears wobbling in his eyes. "How...how...how did he ever survive?"
"I really don't know, seeing how it left you hospitalized for weeks when about two hours worth of it was used against you." Harry gently rubbed Severus's back. "I don't know how he survived, but Grandfather was against it being used to hurt you. He said it left him so damaged that he was mentally ill afterwards."
Severus buried his face in his hands once more. "Mentally ill? OH MERLIN! Before your grandmother was tortured to insanity, she said your grandfather was not an abusive man before taking the mark! She said that the Mark would make me behave like him."
"I think grandmother never knew about the Animalia potion being used against grandfather. I saw what it did to you, and well it scares me to think what six more hours of it would have done. But I thought you should know about this..." Harry said. "Grandfather still loved you, loved you enough to try and save you from having the same thing he had. About his being so mean and violent, I wonder if he couldn't really help how he behaved."
"Oh gods!" Severus moaned, his voice completely lacking the silkiness it had ordinarily. "Oh gods! Eight hours of the Animalia potion..? He would have sustained extensive physical trauma... massive amounts of brain damage. Permanent injuries that would cause him discomfort for the rest of his life." Injuries that Severus understood only too well.
"Grandad didn't listen Mouldyshorts and went about the lab destroying the racks holding the vials of Animalia potion. He ended up breaking all but one of the racks of the potion. But he really tried to wreck them all." Harry went on. "Before he could smash the last rack, Mouldyshorts cast the Cruciatus curse on him."
Now all the glass cuts, the muscle spasms and the bruising he had seen on his father's corpse made sense to Severus. Lucien Snape must have died writhing under the cruciatus curse; upon the broken glass of the destroyed Animalia potion vials...the spasms from the cruciatus curse probably caused him to hit shelves, chairs and other objects in the immediate area. Their impacts left the broken bones and the deep bruising.
Lucien Snape, for all his abuse toward his family, had died protecting Severus. Died to keep him from suffering the same fate he had endured.
"I thank you for sharing that with me, Harry." Severus said, his affect once more calm. Abnormally so. "Now it is time for you to go to bed. I have things I must finish here."
Harry nodded to Rastus and both of them walked toward the door. Harry turned the knob and took a few steps in place. He then shut the door again without exiting. As Harry predicted, Severus turned around posthaste to see that he was really alone. As Harry also suspected, there were more tears on Severus's face and his lower lip was trembling.
"It's okay, father." Harry returned to Severus's side and pulled his sire into his arms. "Go on. Cry. Neither of us will think any less of you for it."
By this time, Severus had no choice in the matter. It had taken virtually every measure of control he possessed to force a straight face until but a few moments ago. Now he had none in reserve.
Harry pulled his father into a full embrace and held on tightly, patting the man's back gently. "It's okay, father. No one but us will know. We won't tell."
Severus hid his face against Harry's chest and cried freely for the first time. He had never been allowed to do so growing up, and he had never allowed himself to carry on so even while alone. All the times he had ever cried in recent memory, were because he either could not help it, or were done in jest; to convince Voldemort of his being a broken man.
He made no sound but an occasional raspy sob, and Harry never loosened his hold on him all the while. Years of loneliness, guilt, fear, sorrow, shame, pain, and hopelessness seemed to turn into nothing more than the benign salts, proteins and enzymes of the potion master's tears. And there were many tears.
"I love you father." Harry said, rubbing Severus's back and kissing the top of his head. "I know you don't like to cry at all, and none of us like to do it in front of other people."
Severus' reply was more quiet sobbing.
"And you probably think of it as one of your worst character flaws." Harry went on. "But I don't think of it that way..."
"You do not?" Severus choked.
"No. It's part of what makes you who you are. " Harry answered. "My father was often called 'Snivellus' a long time ago because he cried easily. The fact that you're crying now tells me that time didn't change you very much. You're still my father. You're still the same man who didn't have the Dark Mark on his arm when I was created, the one who some would say wears his heart on his sleeve. You still do that, although I think you've figured out how to hide your sleeve so that your heart doesn't show. It forced you to become a great occlumens... but inside, you're still my father."
The raven haired man raised his head at last, his eyes puffy and his cheeks irritated from the tears. There was something very different about him now. Although he looked positively rundown and bedraggled, his eyes no longer seemed hollow, and there was a more serene look to them now. Harry could not describe the change even to himself, except to say that his father had the feel of a river, one that had been polluted for too many years, now running clear. Alive once more. Renewed.
Harry kissed the man's cheek once more. "I love you, father."
A look of wonder spread over Severus' decidedly less intense features, and a faint smile soon joined it. "I love you too, my son."
Because Severus had cried so much, both his grey silk nightshirt and Harry's pajamas were damp. Severus was about to grab another grey nightshirt from the chest of drawers to wear when Harry put a nightshirt the colour of the first leaves of spring into the older man's hands. "Wear this one instead."
Rather than engaging in another row he could never hope to win, Severus nodded and discarded his grey nightshirt. "Thank you, I believe I will." and he pulled on the vibrant green silk nightshirt.
Harry looked approvingly at his sire and realized that the Severus Snape standing before him was somewhat less the bitter potions master he had come to know over the years, and just a little more the man Harry had followed as a spirit.
And that was good.
When they retired for the night, Severus made no protest that Harry, who was now wearing pyjamas that roughly matched Severus's nightshirt, joined him in the bed. Not wanting to exclude another member of the family, Severus invited Rastus to join them, which the house elf did gladly.
Having exhausted himself completely, Severus was the first to fall asleep. For a long while, Harry lay awake in bed, watching his father as he slumbered. Harry marvelled at just how different he looked. The tense look that seemed to remain on the potion master's face even while he slept was greatly reduced, and his skin even seemed to have regained some of its colour. Well, perhaps not colour, Harry decided, but his complexion did look a lot less sickly. And he seemed to be more at ease with the physical contact, for he did not cringe or push Rastus away when the house elf rolled closer to his master in his sleep.
Harry took his customary place on his father's bicep and threw his arm over the man's lithe chest, which was now rising and falling slowly as he slept more peacefully than Harry could ever remember him doing in the past. Harry realized that he was not in the least bit tired, but he did not mind. He enjoyed watching the grouchy, dour, and troubled Professor Snape looking so at peace. He could watch him this way forever. His father.
End Chapter Thirty
