Trying to pretend that everything is okay when your world is falling apart is not an easy thing to do and as she stood in the cemetery wrapped in Morgan's strong arms JJ knew that it would not be long before the entire team knew that she was very much not okay.
It had been two months since Reid had gone. That night replayed in her mind over and over and she prayed that at some point she would be able to forget the last words he had said. But more importantly she prayed that she would be able to forgive herself for the last thing she had said in return.
"Spence don't you dare walk out that door." The anger was al JJ could hear in her own voice but she knew that it was not anger it was fear.
"You really expect me to stay here with you?" The look in his eyes was one that she had never seen before and for an instant as his venomous words echoed in her ears JJ feared him.
"Spence don't do this, please just stay." She sounded like a little girl in her begging but she had stopped caring.
"Don't." His hair was to long by FBI standards and JJ wondered why this had been allowed. Wondered if it was because Hotch was cutting him slack because Gideon had left or because he was too preoccupied with the fact that Haley had left to notice.
"Spence you're too high to leave." The words flew from JJ's mouth before she could stop them.
"Fuck you JJ!" His eyes were red and dilated and the tears that were forming had started to trickle down his cheeks as he slammed her door.
Opening her door JJ watched for a moment as he walked towards his car the pain of his words beat with her heart and she could feel it with every breath as she stood on her doorstep.
"Hey Reid what do you think the team will think when they find out you're an addict?" She wanted to hurt him, wanted him to feel how she had felt. She wanted him to feel lost and alone and without any hope that things would be better.
"Shhh." Morgan rocked her back and forth as the rest of the team walked across the cemetery to meet them at their youngest grave. Looking up his eyes met Hotch's who looked on with concern over what was beginning to be an unreasonable outburst from JJ.
Emily stepped away from the others as Garcia arrived walking over to meet the analyst.
"Hey, is she alright?" Concern was written on Garcia's face.
"Honestly, I'm not sure she was crying when we got her and as soon as Morgan hugged her she got hysterical." Prentiss gave Garcia one of her half smiles that said I don't know what to do here.
Walking over to where Hotch and Rossi stood by Morgan who at this point was holding JJ up Garcia and Prentiss heard JJ rambling and not making very much sense at all.
"I tried so hard so damn hard and nothing I could do- I should have told someone- God I wish I had told one of you. Please god don't hate me this is all my fault I let him go we split up and that was my fault too." JJ sobbed into Morgan's chest as Hotch walked forward and put his hand on her back wishing Gideon were there to calm their usually stoic liaison.
"JJ girl you gotta calm down." Morgan softly whispered in her ear.
"Calm down you don't even know!" JJ screamed as she pulled away from Morgan and fell onto Reid's grave where Garcia knelt beside her.
"Know what?" Rossi asked looking down at a shaking JJ.
"He was with me I let him leave. I let him drive. He was so high and I said horrible things to him, and he left and oh god this is all my fault." JJ whispered as she got to her feet and walked away from a stunned group. She made her way to a garbage can used for old floral arrangements and JJ threw up.
