"JJ are you sure you want me to read this?" Gideon said looking down at the passage Reid had written about her.

"I am more sure of this than I have been of anything in the past two months. You were his family and deserve to know who he was. I read every word of his journal, papers lying around the house, post it notes, old files anything I could find with his hand writing on it I have read. It is unfair for me to read it and deny you all the right." JJ looked at the faces around the table as she spoke knowing that she also needed them to know how much Reid had loved her she needed them to know that she loved him as much. They needed to see this so that they would not hate her for his death. She hated herself enough for all of them.

JJ asked me to stay at her house again tonight the dreams she has have gotten worse, she lays awake staring at the ceiling waiting for dogs to jump out at her and she fears being alone for the first time in her life. There is little I can do to help her and have begged her to talk to Gideon or Hotch but she refuses. So I hold her while she cries herself to sleep every night. I watch her sleeping and the strangest things come into my mind. I see our children and then I remind myself that she is my friend and I cannot cross that line when what she needs is my help.

"This is dated a few months later." He was making sure that everyone was n the same page and looked to JJ to make sure she wanted him to continue. JJ nodded and Gideon looked back to the book of Reid's writing.

I am so lost right now and fear that I will never find my way again. JJ found my stash and totally freaked out. I think it was frustration at wanting for months to say something and not being completely sure. She has known for awhile I can tell by the way she looks at me but tonight she had proof of what she has been denying for months. So I did the one thing I have always told myself I would never do I walked away. She sat on her porch and watched as I simply walked away.

When I was five or so blocks away I realized that I was becoming more and more like my parents and the person it was hurting was my dear sweet JJ. So as the rain began to pour down I turned and walked back to her. She was sitting there with the rain running down her face mixing with her tears. She told me that she loved the rain because it hides your tears; she was wrong because I know that I broke her heart.

There is a part of me that hopes that she will turn me in to Hotch but as I watch her sleeping next to me I know that she never will. It's odd but when she is truly angry and only then JJ sleeps in my clothes. My t-shirt falls down sweet form and I want so badly to touch her. I want to hold her and promise that everything will be fine but I know that it won't and she has finally fallen asleep. This drug will either kill me or destroy everything that she ever loved in me.

JJ is the only reason that I still wake up every morning she is the reason I don't load the syringe enough to end this. It would be her that finds me, I know it would and that is the thing that stops me. I think sometimes that I should just miss the next plane and then when they are gone do it. Then I think of JJ and what our babies would look like with her blond hair and my dark eyes. I picture us at a park swinging on the swings because they are JJ's favorite. She says she feels like she is flying when she is on them. That image of her on the swing with our child in her arms is the only thing that may save me.

JJ made a gasping sound as she sucked in a breath after forgetting to breathe. The entire team turned to her as the tears rolled down her face. They were waiting for her to fall apart after hearing the words that she had already read.

"JJ?" Gideon stopped reading and turned to her.

"Don't stop Gideon." She looked away from the others and for a moment was lost in a memory. So as he continued to read the inner thought of the man she loved JJ went into her mind where a piece of Reid still lived.

"JJ, guess what?" JJ smiled thinking that sometimes Spencer was like a six year old on Christmas morning.

"What Spence?"

"Your name means white wave. And Jason means Healer which I'm sure you knew and Gideon means great warrior. Hotch well Aaron means strong did you know that. Emily means rival or excel or to strive did you know that? And Penelope means with a web over her face. Derek means people ruler and Morgan means great circle. And David means beloved. Did you know all that?" He smiled at her like the man he used to would have.

"No, Spence I didn't know any of that. Is there a reason that you are giving me a lesson in the origin of names?" She smiled at him while trying to suppress the urge to rip his clothes of right there in her office.

"Well I was thinking that when well if I guess well I don't know." He looked down at the floor for the first time while talking to her in months.

"What Spence?"

"Well I was just thinking that names are important and if we well you know ever have kids I like Amena for a girl it's Arabic and it means honest and trustworthy. And if we ever had a baby and it was a boy well I like Liam it's Celtic and means strong-willed warrior. I mean if we ever had kids." He looked at the floor some more and turned red while she laughed.

"I like those Spence."

"Really!" Again he looked like a child on Christmas.

"JJ, girl you okay?" Morgan's hand was on her shoulder and everyone else in the room was watching her with concern.

"Yeah, sorry I was just lost in a memory." She smiled weakly at the group.

"What was it about?" Hotch feared over stepping boundaries but was more concerned with losing JJ.

"It was about what Reid wanted to name our baby." JJ stood and walked out of the room leaving them all stunned.

AN- Thank you all for the reviews I am so sorry this has taken so long to post. It has been a trying day. I think that many of you may have picked up on the fact that I have experienced the loss of a loved one to addiction and for the sake of the story I needed more time to write this section. This is also my first fic and I am honestly still planning the end, many of you seemed to like the idea of her being pregnant and thus I have decided that she will be. Thank you all so much for being my therapy, losing someone you love to an addiction steals your right to grieve. Please R+R