Sculpting for Dummies

Chapter 7

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Subtlety was a lost art among the rogue ninja of Market village. As was stealth…and intelligence, apparently. There was no helping such hopeless people, except perhaps with a C-2 exploding bird. Hell, they weren't worthy of a C-2. A C-1 centipede would be more fitting for incompetence of this caliber.

Deidara's escorts, who called one another Rai, Genji, and Carl (Deidara refused to refer to them except as 'hey you' or 'idiot'), were making him miss Tobi. At least Tobi didn't pretend that he wasn't the moron he was. Tobi, at least, said whatever stupid thing was on his mind, instead of sneaking around and acting like the blond see him, five feet away, whispering with his comrades.

"We're gonna camp here for the night, boss," their little ringleader, idiot one, said. The other two smirked and nodded.

"Yup, right here. Perfect for campin'," the other two chimed in, winking at one another. How had these idiots ever survived being ninja? Wasn't there some level of cunning required, even for the rejects?

Deidara could barely stand to look at their 'campsite' without gagging. It was completely stereotypical. It was an insult to his intelligence! The gorge they'd led him to was narrow and shadowy, and had that back alley feel that his would-be ambushers must have thought he wouldn't notice. If he hadn't already figured out their plans as soon as they left the village, he definitely would have caught on now.

The sheer stupidity of it was painful. Deidara wanted to shout at them, "My chakra's gone, but my brain is still here! Please, at least make an effort to catch me off guard," but he figured he might as well wait until he had some sort of advantage. Akatsuki or not, it was going to be three-against-one. Deidara needed the showdown, when it happened, to be tilted in his favor in every way he could.

Until then, he might as well get his money's worth out of his ninja escort.

"If we're stopping here, why aren't you setting up camp yet? I want my dinner hot, and you'd better be quick about it, un!"

The rogues jumped at his command, and the two looked at their leader Rai, who shrugged and waved them to work. Since they were still playing at being his escorts, they had no choice but to follow Deidara's orders. The artist didn't plan on letting on that he knew about their obvious plan to ambush him and collect the bounty on his head until he had them tired out from serving his every whim.

"Hey, you, I'm thirsy. Go fetch me a drink!" he shouted to Rai, who was halfway through setting up a tent. The ninja dropped his tent poles when he reached for his canteen to offer the blond. Deidara put on a mock frown.

"Oh, too bad. Looks like you'll have to start all over again, un," he said, shaking his head slowly. Rai snarled, and his hands shook with the urge to attack Deidara.

The Iwa ninja just laid back and smirked. "The ground is rocky. I assume one of you had a pillow for me to sit on, un?"

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"Ground, stop sp-spinning! I need to hic track Deidara-sempaiiiiiiii."

The ground was being very uncooperative. It refused to stop spinning, and when Tobi glared at it further through the eyehole of his mask, it started rocking as well. It was all Tobi could do to keep his footing.

"If you won't talk, hic I'll make yoooou!" Tobi threatened. He pulled out a kunai and…oops, it was a slippery one. It dropped out of his hand. Tobi drew a second one. It fell as well. "Allllllright, who shwitched my kunai pouch with schlippery ones?"

"So, we wait until dark, and then we go in and help capture the Akatsuki, right?" Tobi heard a voice from behind a tree say.

"Yeah. I already explained that."

"But, do we mean dusk, or until it's pitch-black, or what? 'Dark' is a pretty ambiguous specification of time."

Tobi snuck nearer. A twig snapped beneath his sandals, and he bent down and pressed his finger to his mask. "Shhh!"

"Dude, why do you always gotta use such big words? Just because you went to night school don't mean you gotta rub it in!"

"Guys, can it for a sec. I thought I heard something."

"It's just a squirrel or somethin'. Or maybe it was the hot air rushin' outta Mr. Brainy's ears here."

"I resent that, you know. Just because I have a vocabulary containing words with more than three syllables doesn't give you the right to bully me."

The arguing ninja from the bar stomped past Tobi, who ducked behind a bush. Oh, he might have tripped, but only because the bush jumped right under his feet. At least they were bickering too loudly to hear his fall.

"They'll l-lead me to sempai!" he whispered to the ground, "Nya nya! I didn't need your help!"

Tobi took to the trees and followed along behind the three ninja. The branches swayed and sometimes even appeared in double, but Tobi was determined and managed to keep his balance as he hopped along.

Up above the lurching trees that tried to trip Tobi up, the sun began to sink into the sky.

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"I'm cold," Deidara stated suddenly. "Make me a fire."

The three rogues, who were still washing out their pots and pans from the five-course meal that their employer had demanded, groaned. So far, Deidara had sent them scurrying around on their hands and knees searching for a ring he'd dropped (which turned up later, mysteriously, on Deidara's ring finger), ordered them to clear the campsite of rocks, and made them re-stake his tent five times. He'd sent each member of his entourage running back to the village on separate occasions; Rai to get a pillow for him to sit on, Genji to fetch a bag he'd forgotten, and Carl to buy him a pie from the village bakery, because he had a craving that just demanded satisfaction.

All three of the ninja looked exhausted. Deidara, on the other hand, was feeling more refreshed than he had in days.

The fire would serve two purposes. He could send away two of his escorts, who would be eager to steal away to enact their plan anyways, to get firewood, which would even out the fight to one on one. Advantage- Deidara. Then, when the two came back, they'd be temporarily blinded by the light. Again, advantage- Deidara.

Carl and Genji foraged around the camp for tender, which Rai set ablaze with a quick fire jutsu.

Rai turned toward his companions, keeping his back to Deidara. The artist used the moment to pull a kunai from his pack and tuck it into a hidden pocket in his sleeve.

"Why don't you two go gather firewood," the ninja ordered his men. Deidara couldn't see his face, but he was sure the man was winking at them. They gave two over-exaggerated nods.

"Sure thing, boss. Firewood." They left. Deidara guessed it would be Rai's job to distract him while the others circled around from behind. The blond wouldn't have much time to dispose of him before his friends got back.

He would have to keep the charade up long enough to get in range, though. Even with his intellect and his superior artistic ability, he would have to be close for a kunai attack to work without chakra.

He sauntered up behind Rai. "You seem pretty eager to get me alone," he purred. "Is there something you want from me?"

Rai flushed as Deidara leaned forward and pressed his chest into Rai's back. The ninja jerked away, but Deidara wrapped his arms around his waist and pulled him back in.

"It's ok. I understand. Everyone has needs." Deidara tilted his head up slightly and licked the shell of Rai's ear. The rogue nin tried to wiggle out of Deidara's grasps, but the artist held him firmly. The black sleeved arm that held the hidden kunai slid up the protesting ninja's chest until the hand was pressed against Rai's collar bone.

Deidara nibbled on Rai's neck to distract him as he drew the kunai out of his sleeve. Movement in his peripheral vision made him stop just before the metal tip touched the ninja's throat.

"Hey, boss, when you said- Holy shit!" Genji yelped, and looked away as fast as he could. Carl covered his eyes.

"We didn't mean to interrupt nothin', boss! We'll go get more firewood!" they shouted, and turned back towards the woods.

"This isn't what it looks like!" Rai wailed. His voice sounded an octave higher than usual. The retreating ninja looked at their leader.

"Fuck, he's got a kunai!" Carl yelled in warning. Deidara hissed.

"Get back or I slit his throat!" he growled, pressing the blade into Rai's skin. He used his other arm to pinion Rai's arms to his side. The two rogues backed up. They looked at Deidara, and Deidara looked at them. Rai stood still in his arms, waiting for someone to make a move.

'Great. What do I do now?' Deidara wondered to himself.

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The ninja Tobi was following stopped where the sheltered canopy of the forest cut off.

"Whadda we waitin' for?"

"It's imperative that we observe the situation more closely before we go charging in, moron!"

"Shut up, guys! I heard that noise again. Someone's followin' us!"

Tobi looked all around him from his perch in the branches above the ninja's heads. He didn't see anyone following them…Maybe they were under the branch! Tobi was such a smart boy! He leaned forward and down, craning his neck to get a glimpse of the underside of the branch he was on. Whoever was under there gave him a big push, because he tumbled right out of the tree.

'Oof!' At least his fall was cushioned by the ninja. Tobi lay there, sprawled over the three of them until the stars faded away from his vision. He stood up, and only one of the ninja he'd landed on managed to get to his feet with a groan. The other two looked dazed and stayed where they were.

"Yer tryin' ta hurt sempai, aren't ya?" Tobi yelled, and tackled the ninja before he could straighten up. The man's head hit the ground with a dull 'thud', and he didn't try to get up a second time.

Tobi stood back up and staggered in the direction the ninja had been heading before they'd stopped. He had to save sempai!

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There was only one way Deidara knew to get himself out of the situation he'd gotten into. He slid the kunai along Rai's throat, shoved the bleeding man at Carl, and dove at Genji. If the ninja chose to help his boss rather than join in the battle right away, Deidara might still win the battle, even without chakra. His fist connected with Genji's cheekbone and he felt something crack in his hand.

The two ninja rolled around on the ground, Deidara trying to stab and Genji desperately trying to wrestle the kunai away from him. Deidara couldn't afford to look away even for a moment, but he heard someone sneaking up behind him. A sharp jerk of his ponytail wrenched him away from Genji.

Turning his head as far as he could in that position, Deidara saw Rai lying on the ground, holding a wad of bandages to his bleeding throat. Carl's figure behind him cast a shadow over him that leapt with the flickering firelight. Deidara stabbed his kunai through his sandaled foot.

"Shit!" Carl cursed, and released his hair. Deidara spun around and grabbed a second kunai from his belt-pouch. Two against one wasn't the type of battle he'd wanted, but he wouldn't go down without a fight.

"Get away from my sempaiiiiiiii!"

All four ninja, even heavily wounded Rai, looked up when they heard that shout. A flash of orange and black charged in from the shadowy area past the camp.

Deidara was almost glad to see Tobi…until the damned fool tripped over his own feet and tumbled the rest of the way into the battle. He stopped rolling at Genji's feet, and lay there, stunned. Genji snorted with laughter.

While Tobi was struggling to stand up, Deidara struck. Carl's guard was down, and the artist smacked his head with his kunai handle before the other man could even react. The enemy shinobi flopped to the ground.

Genji, incompetent ninja that he was, had all his attention focused on Tobi, who he thought was his opponent for the battle. Deidara circled around behind him and pressed a kunai tip into his spine.

"This is what you get for messing with a true artist, un!" he declared, and shifted his hand to drive his kunai in.

"Sempai, no!" Tobi yelled.

"I don't need your help, Tobi! I've got this situation under control, un! So get lost." Damned Tobi, pretending like Deidara was helpless. He wasn't, even if Tobi had taken away his chakra. And where did he get off showing up and pretending to help when the work was already done? He'd done this with the three-tailed turtle, too, that bastard!

He twisted the kunai again and prepared to force it into Genji's spine.

"Shempai, schtop! Don' kill 'im!" Tobi slurred.

"Why shouldn't …wait, are you drunk?" Deidara asked.

" 'M not drunk, 'm Tobi! Tobi's a good boooooy! 's here to shave schempaiiii!" Tobi giggled. Deidara's jaw dropped.

"You're fucking kidding me. You show up to rescue me drunk off your ass? What, I can't possibly take care of myself, but you can just waltz in and fix everything when you can't even fucking stand? I should stab you instead, un!"

God, Tobi pissed him off! Deidara kicked Genji's legs out from under him and pressed a foot to his chest to keep him on the ground.

Tobi crawled over to the prone ninja and stared at him through his mask's tiny eye hole.

"Lishten to me. Yer gonna shtay 'ere with yer buddies, and when they wake up, yer gonna tell 'em ta never mesh with my sempai again. Undershtood?" Tobi asked. Genji stared forward and blinked.

"Understood," he whispered.

"Now go take care of yer friend," the masked ninja ordered. Genji shrugged off Deidara's foot, stood up and complied. His movements were awkward, like he was sleepwalking.

Tobi turned toward Deidara and leaned so close that the artist's nose was touching his mask.

"You smell like sake," Deidara told him, not bothering to mask the disgust in his voice.

"S-sempai!" Tobi squealed, and pounced on him. He draped his body along Deidara's and transported them away with a jutsu.

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Tobi's sake-saturated jutsu didn't get them very far. Deidara ended up back at the Market village wall, where he'd parted with Tobi a few hours earlier. He had to hold Tobi up as the masked ninja regained his footing; the man was still wrapped around him, threatening to bring them both down with his teetering balance. God, Tobi was clingy when he was sober, but drunk he was a complete leech.

The artist steadied both of them, but Tobi didn't let go if him and stand on his own. The taller man stayed wrapped around Deidara like a second skin.

"Let go of me, Tobi!" Deidara hissed. What if someone saw them like this?

Tobi snuggled in closer to him and made a satisfied 'hmmm' sound. Deidara wasn't going to allow Tobi to treat him like a human teddy bear! He shoved Tobi away.

He tried to, anyways. Sake apparently gave Tobi the consistency of jell-o, because every time Deidara got a good enough grip on Tobi to push him away, Tobi would just slide past his arm somehow and nuzzle further into Deidara's arms.

Deidara was too tired to keep supporting both their weight, so he let himself sink to the ground with Tobi still attached. He leaned his back against the village wall and stretched his legs out. Tobi settled into his lap the moment his knees were down.

"Get off of me, you unhelpful leech, un," Deidara ordered. He tried to glare at the other man, but with Tobi's head resting on his shoulder, he didn't think the masked man could see.

"'m not un'elpful…" Tobi murmured sleepily. His arms, wrapped around Deidara's waist, squeezed a little tighter.

"I could've dealt with those three on my own, Tobi. I'm not helpless." He thought about telling Tobi that he'd known they would betray him, that he'd only gone along with them because they were taking him in the direction he wanted to go anyways. The idiot was probably too drunk to understand the complexity of his genius plan, though.

" 'elped with th' three in th' forest," Tobi yawned.

"Three in the forest? What the hell are you talking about, Tobi?" Deidara asked. Tobi snored in reply.

"Damn it, Tobi!" the blond growled. What three in the forest was he talking about? Had his enemies had backup?

Tobi slept on his shoulder, still snoring quietly behind his mask. Deidara thought about pushing him away, but he decided it wasn't worth the effort of prying his way out of Tobi's grip. And Tobi's body was keeping him warm against the night air. 'As long as he's not awake and getting any stupid ideas about us, I guess it's ok.'

Deidara couldn't sleep with the stones from the wall digging into his back and Tobi's fat ass crushing his legs, so he rummaged through Tobi's pack and found his sewing kit. He took Tobi's blanket as well, and stretched it over the two of them. He cut a square of material from the corner and tried his hand at making a Tobi doll to punish for his drunken, half-assed rescue attempt.

His stitches were more precise than Tobi's, and by the time the sun rose in the horizon, he had produced three dolls. They looked much more human than Tobi's hastily-sewed monstrosities. He took one and stuffed its cloth head into Tobi's canteen. The water soaked through the fabric as the voodoo Tobi 'drowned'. Deidara thought it was very symbolic.

Sunrise in Market village brought traders streaming in and out of the city. It was easy enough for Deidara to wiggle out of Tobi's death grip, wave down a merchant's kid, and pay him to go into town and bring them back something to eat.

He held out a few coins to the kid, and glanced back to where Tobi was still sleeping off his sake. He wondered...had there really been three ninja in the forest? Six was more than he would've been able to contend with without his clay. If Tobi was right, he might have saved Deidara's life…

No, there probably hadn't been any backup. More than likely, it was the sake talking. Tobi wasn't going to get any gratitude from him. Even if there had been three…

Deidara tossed a few extra coins into the kid's hand. "Bring me back something to take care of a hangover, too, un," he said, and waved the kid off.

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AN: Dun dun duuuuun! Where will they be off to next? What adventures lay in store for our heroes…villains…whatever they are? You'll find out soon enough (especially if you review, which makes me update faster!!). Stay tuned.

I hope no more characters insist upon getting drunk… I don't like writing drunk-speak. I haven't really had much of a chance to listen to drunken slurs, so I'm not good at it, and it hurts my soul to see so many squiggly red lines from my spell check. Alas.