CHAPTER 17
"The pain! The pain of it all!" Silver shouted as he pulled his pants back on. "Damn... I finally realize what they're always bitching about in hentai porn movies... sex hurts after a while... I feel like my left nut just exploded from the inside... but not the right one. The right one is feeling surprisingly fresh..." He finally collapsed back down to metal floor of his cage holding his stick and stones in pain. He and Roxanne have been having sex for nearly eighteen hours straight. Roxanne finished buttoning her shirt.
"Fine, we're done here," she said leaving Silver's cage. "I've collected enough sperm from you to keep those stupid lesbos happy for a millennium."
"Huh? You were just using me?"
"Pretty much."
"But... but... I thought you and I..."
"You're not gonna say something stupid like you thought I was in love with you or something are you?"
"Well, yes! Why would you have sex with me if you didn't?" Roxanne giggled and pinched his cheeks.
"You're so naïve it's cute! I don't know what world you live on but nowadays people have sex with just about anyone."
"I'm not just anyone."
"Whatever. Lets just get one thing straight. I feel nothing when it comes to the opposite sex. I was just feeling horny and I needed my plans done. I don't need you or your penis anymore." She left the room leaving Silver all on his own.
"This sucks and blows... no innuendo intended..." Silver muttered to himself. "Luckily, I always have my ass- I mean ace in the hole... no innuendo intended again... MANGE!" Silver called out. As soon as he said that, his Magby burrowed out of the ground. It was waiting there since he came to Rustboro.
"I told her that I'm not just anyone... I'll make her pay..." Silver said, swearing eternal vengeance.
STORY CHANGE: Ruby Fantasies
"Wow... a black man in jail. How original..." Dick said sarcastically. He and Ruby were safely locked away in prison. Ruby already assimilated into the prison lifestyle. He was sitting down and talking with their other three roommates.
"Quit your whining and meet our cellmates." Having nothing better to do, he sat down with them. "Okay first off, we all get new prison names. The guys say that I'm On My Period," Ruby said. The other cellmates started chuckling at him.
"You're a racist and a hermaphrodite? Lord please, say it ain't so..." Dick said.
"No! On my Period is my nickname! I'M ON MY PERIOD!" Ruby shouted causing the others to laugh at him again. "Anyway... This is my friend Dick-."
"We're not friends!"
"Whatever! Dick meet Fire-rape, The Proctologist and Big Daddy." Fire-rape was a scrawny kid who looked only about a year older then Ruby. He kept rocking back and forth, staring at the flame on the top of his smuggled lighter.
"What's wrong with him?" Dick asked.
"Fire-rape says he's in here for arson, suffers from pyromania and loves fire with a sexual passion." Ruby explained.
"FIRE MAKES ME SO HORNY!" Fire-rape shrieked at the top of his lungs, his right eye twitching violently.
"Um... okay... and why do they call him the proctologist? Isn't that an ass doctor?" Dick asked.
"Proctologist is a mute homosexual. But even though he can't speak it is still a bad idea to drop the soap around him in the showers if you know what I mean..." Big Daddy explained. Proctologist was staring at Ruby's butt the whole time.
"And you? How come they call you Big Daddy? You're a midget!" Ruby questioned.
"Because I'm blessed," he said pointing to his penis.
"Blessed?" Big Daddy stood up and dropped his pants in front of them.
"DAMN! YOU'RE CARRYING A SECOND MIDGET IN YOUR PANTS! PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON!" Dick shrieked.
"I'm feeling good about this group," Ruby thought out loud.
"Why? Because they're more messed up than you?"
"No. Because they're gonna help us bust out of this place... next chapter..."
STORY CHANGE: Sapphire Stories
Sapphire had finally made it out of the forest on her own. She was banged up from all the pokemon that attacked her and was ready to fall over and die.
"Captain's log," Sapphire said to herself as she limped along the road. "I've made it out of the forest barely alive. Prolonged exposure to the wilderness must have affected my state of my mind because I'm talking to no one and I'm not a captain. All hopes of finding my monkey slaves have been crushed. I was left to die with only a weak Treecko and a Slaking that will rip my head off if I let it out of the ball. And yet I still made it out with just a fraction of my life. Now... I feel like... like... tacos..." Sapphire groaned as she collapsed onto the cold hard road.
"Well, well, well. What do we have here?" A familiar voice from behind her asked. Sapphire turned around to see Marie (the psychotic little blind girl that uses a horde of ghost pokemon who wants Terry) standing over her.
"Um... hi?"
"Where's my Mrs. Nesbit?" Marie snarled.
"I don't know either..."
"Humph... then you're coming with me! Dusclops!" The last thing Sapphire saw before she blacked out was a piercing red eye staring back at her.
STORY CHANGE: Golden Flames
Things weren't going well on Gold senior's side either. Crystal was chewing him out for losing yet another person.
"Gold. This problem of yours is really starting to get on my nerves."
"What problem? I don't have a problem- did you find about the weed I keep in the fridge?"
"Weed? What weed?"
"Um... nothing. So, my problem, what is it?"
"Well, all you seem to do lately is lose, honey. First it was that really bad losing streak at the gym. Then you lost Sapphire-."
"No I didn't! Why can't you just admit that I had a random stroke of genius and Sapphire won her freedom fair and square?"
"I can't because it isn't possible for you to have a random stroke of genius. Let me ask the same question that she did. What's 7x+29ab?"
"Uh... Nintendo Wii?"
"Exactly my point. And then you sent Gold and Silver out to look for Sapphire and they're probably dead somewhere. And to top it all off, you lose Silver senior, one of our oldest friends. I'm worried about you Golden Boy..."
"Hmm... I may have lost a lot of things and people but I know someone who finds things... I think it's time to call up my baby brother..."
STORY CHANGE (again... this is getting tiring...) Platinum Volts (never got to use this one much in the first story)
Gold's little brother and Sapphire's uncle Platinum has grown up they last saw him. He's become even more of a maniac and a semi- successful detective in Johto. Presently, he was having his secretary write down his life story.
"I was brought into the world as a fetus like most children but unlike most fetuses, I was born with a twenty and a half inch penis. My mother's womb was cold and damp and smelled of apple pie. My childhood was spent watching TV and taking care of our other siblings with my older brother Gold. Our other siblings were periodically taken away from our mother by their fathers because they each knew she was a crazy skank. We would only get to see them every six months due to a court ruling. Me and Gold weren't taken away because we didn't know who our fathers were. Our mother was a prostitute who worked under a midget pimp named Big Daddy (tee hee). She didn't have much time for me or Gold but she was a caring mother- to an extent. She would beat us both with frying pans if we misbehaved and when she was away, she expected the television and fire to be our parents... Truly a normal childhood. Yes. When I was a child, I played like a child; I walked like a child and spoke like a child. And when I became a man, I took that child outside and had him shot. Then I took his corpse and had sex with him multiple times. Then I became a detective. And... that's basically my life. Did you get all that Judy?"
"Um... yes... and um... I'll make sure you're enrolled into therapy first thing in the morning Mr. Platinum, sir."
"Excelle- THERAPY?! Bitch, I don't need any therapy!" Platinum was too late because Judy was now running out of his office screaming. "What's up her butt?" He was just about to go after her but his phone rang. He picked it up. "Platinum Detective Agency, you lose it, we find it. Warning: your lost item or person may or may not be covered in jizz when returned. This is Detective P. Who may I ask is calling?"
"What's up Defective Penis? It's me, Gold."
"It's Detective P asshole! What do you want?"
"Hey! Can't your big brother call you once in a while to say hello without being accused of wanting something?"
"No. What do you want from me?"
"Okay... Don't tell anyone but... I lost all my kids and Silver senior. Could you find them for me?"
"I can. But it will 100,000 dollars, 25,000 thousand for each missing person."
"What the fuck?! But I'm family! My house isn't even worth that much!"
"Half family, dear brother."
"Don't you care that your niece and nephews are lost in the cold, harsh world? Are you that heartless?"
"In order: no and yes. 100,000 take it or leave it."
"You're only doing this because Mom liked me best!"
"Nothing you can say can change my price. 100,000 FUCKING DOLLARS!" Platinum heard Gold sigh through the phone.
"Fine, you win... but if they come back covered in jizz I'll shoot you in the neck."
