Ok. I know I said in the first chapter of Diamond Fists (which I haven't wrote in a long time either) that I wouldn't be continuing this fic but I've been doing some thinking lately (which is weird because I rarely think of anything except food, sex and video games). I've re-read what this fic has so far and remembered how much I love this story. So, it's been decided I'M BRINGING IT BACK!!!! OMGZORZ!!!11!!! RELEASE THAT WITHHELD ORGASM AND SKEET-SKEET-SKEET IN TRIUMPH!!!!!!1… that was… awkward…. Ahem… uh… on with the chapter…
Ruby Fantasies
Ruby, Dick, Fire-Rape, the Proctologist and Big Daddy had their plan all figured out. They each didn't shower for about a week. They waited about another four days and each took a crap in a laundry bag Big Daddy stole on the second day (Yes, there actually is a point in taking a crap in a bag and not taking showers). On the twelfth day, they were discussing who was going to hide the bag under their shirt and take into the lunchroom. And by discussing, I mean playing hot potato with it in a circle because no one wanted to take it.
"You take it!" Dick shrieked as he passed it back to Ruby.
"Come on you guys! One of us has to take it in!" Ruby said passing it to the Proctologist. He sniffed it once and handed the bag to Big Daddy.
"Why don't you do it? You're the one who came up with this retarded plan!" Big Daddy complained, tossing it back to Ruby who tossed it again to Fire- Rape.
"You know, that sincerely hurts my feeling when you call it retarded. It took many days of thinking and lots of brain power to work out the intricacies of this plan. We shall not fail my friends! ... If you just put the crap under your shirts!" Ruby said. Fire-Rape handed the bag back to Dick who then gave it to Ruby.
"How much brain power could it have taken to think of crapping in a bag?" Dick asked. Ruby didn't answer and continued passing the bag around. They went on like this for another 10 minutes when they heard footsteps coming from down the hall.
"Shit! They're coming to open the cell! We have to do this now!" Ruby insisted. "Wait. I have a solution!" When the bag came back to him, he turned it upside and dumped its contents all over Dick. Dick let out a roar of primal fury and put his hand around Ruby's neck. The others tried to get his arm of the choking Ruby but couldn't get him off. When the guards finally got to their cell, they opened the door hastily and tackled Dick off of him.
"CONVICT! YOU KEEP ACTING LIKE THAT AND YOU'LL BE ON DEATH ROW! STOP BEATING ON THIS WHITE KID!" One of the guards shouted. Both of them didn't seem to realize that he was covered in feces. They noticed the smell however.
"For the love of god, the five of you need to take more showers! It smells like week old shit in here!" They got off of Dick and lead the group out of the cell and to the lunch room.
"I don't get it. How come they didn't notice anything?" Dick whispered in Ruby's ear.
"It's because you're black," Ruby said simply.
"What!?" Dick hissed back.
"I dumped the crap on you so it would blend in with your skin. They practically train the guards in every jail to be racist so I knew they wouldn't notice. Plus I had us not shower to make us smell so bad that they wouldn't smell the shit on us, or in this case, you (I told you there was a point to all that). Smart, eh?" Ruby explained as the group traveled through the procession of now empty cells. The other inmates must have all been in the mess hall.
"Well… it's vulgar but it's working so far… But I swear to god if you dump more shit on me, I'm gonna have the Proctologist over there rape you up the ass."
"Fair enough my Negro Amigo," Ruby said smiling.
"Don't call me that…" Dick said back as they walked through the mess hall doors. They each got what little edible food that was available and met back at a table in the middle of the room. They ate in silence for a bit before Ruby did a recap of the plan.
"Okay Phase 1: Completed. Now I'll explain Phase 2. I really tried hard putting all of our talents into this entire plan-."
"I've never seen such a less talented group my whole life…" Big Daddy muttered. Everyone besides Ruby nodded in agreement.
"Have more self esteem you guys! Together we're gonna break out of here! We each have talents to bring to the table, both literally and figuratively! When we get out of here we'll go to wondrous Allah's heaven, have sex with dozens of virgins and drink milk and honey from the vagina of a Miltank!" Everyone's jaws dropped out of disgust.
"First off, we're not suicide bombers (or Muslims in general for that matter). Second, there's nothing in the Qur'an that talks about drinking milk and honey out of a Miltank's vagina. Third, even though I'm a raging faggot, even I thought that speech was gay," the Proctologist ranted. Everyone at the table and in the vicinity looked at him wide eyed and with their mouths agape. They all thought he was a mute too.
"You can speak?" Dick asked.
"Why yes. Very eloquently, in fact."
"Then how come you haven't said anything before this?"
"I never had anything to say before-."
"Ahem." Ruby said, bringing attention beck to him. He waited until the other inmates turned away from their table before speaking again.
"Okay, as I was saying… First, we take scoop the crap off of Dick and put it back in the bag. Then we have Fire-Rape take the lighter out of his ass and set it on fire-."
"FIRE MAKES ME HORNY!"
"Yes, we know. The bag will then explode and fire off a gas cloud of burning fecal matter. We will use the confusion to get my pokeballs out of the Proctologist's ass and use my Pokemon to guard our backs as we lead a campaign out of the building. To our front, Big Daddy will whip his dick out and cock slap everyone in our way. Any questions?"
Everyone was thoroughly sure that this wasn't going to work. Fire-Rape took the lighter out of his ass and started playing with it, not caring what would happen as long as fire was with him. His right eye twitched violently as the fire came out. The Proctologist had let out a sigh and stared over at Ruby's ass again. Big Daddy yawned and went back to his food. Dick started shaking his head and murmuring to himself.
"…Vulgar, insane, impossible, illogical, disgusting, unsanitary, dangerous, retarded…" He the let out a sigh and started scooping the… contents… that Ruby poured over him into a bowl. He passed the bowl to Ruby, still shaking his head in disapproval. Ruby took the lighter out of Fire-Rape's hand (to his great dismay) and dumped into the bowl.
"FIRE IN THE HOLE!" He shrieked as he tossed it down to the floor and exploded. The air was so full of doo-doo matter that-
FREEZE! HOLD IT, HOLD IT! PAUSE THE STORY!
Okay people, here's the thing… I just can't show all of Ruby's Great Escape. Why? Because a T rated fic can't go around having its characters running around blowing up shit, pulling pokeballs out of a gay man's ass and cock slapping people. Sure, they talk about it but they don't actually do it.
So, for all tense and purposes lets just say that the plan worked out perfectly and exactly how Ruby explained.
So, fast forward a bit… and back to the show!
"FREEDOM!" Ruby exclaimed as the five of them ran out of the now burning building. They didn't stop running until they reached the outskirts of Rustboro City, just next to Petalburg Forest. "KISS MY ASS CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM!" After much celebrating, the group finally settled down in order to discuss what to do next.
"What do we do now?" Dick asked Ruby as they started heading towards the city.
"We lay low for a bit in the city and find my friends. We can do whatever we want again."
"…You're alright kid." Dick said grinning at Ruby.
"Thanks, Negro Amigo."
"… I take it back…" Dick said looking frustrated again.
