Thunderbirds and the Tracy Family are the creation of Sylvia and Gerry Anderson
Chapter 93
"What have you done! I'm not just too sure what exactly you've done yet, Al," Virgil responded pointedly. "Stirred up a lot of bad stuff, I would imagine."
"Virgil, I didn't mean to…..I mean….it just slipped out," Alan fumbled out an explanation, looking remorsefully around at everyone and at remembering how Scott had looked.
"Yeah, Al….I know….it always does. You just never think….do you?" Virgil returned an exasperated sigh.
"Gee….poor Scott. I had no idea. It's no wonder he doesn't ever talk about his medal," Gordon voiced his thoughts audibly. He thought back over those events now, when his eldest brother had first come home, in a new light. "So….that's why he slept so long that time…when Dad said he'd just been overdoing it…..because you had to trank him! And that's why you wore the sweater! To hide the bruises….because Scott attacked you!"
"No! He wasn't attacking….me," Virgil shot back quickly in defence of his brother. "It's what his flashbacks did to him….and that was just a bad one. We wanted to give him all the help we could here at home….and if it didn't work out….! Well…then he was going to get some professional help. Now do you see why he didn't want you guys to know? He wanted to protect you….he didn't want you to be afraid of him when you were horsin around…..and he didn't want you to be lookin at him differently," he continued in explanation, begging for their understanding
"But we wouldn't have, Virg," Alan hotly protested.
"Wouldn't you Al!" his elder brother returned sadly, knowing his kid brother all too well. "You would've been lookin at him and wondering what it must have been like for him to stick a knife in a kid younger than you….and to know he could snap a man's neck as easily as a twig. It's not something he's proud of….just something he had to do….and something he'd rather forget about."
Alan hung his head shamefully, knowing Virgil was probably right; he would have looked at Scott and wondered what it must have been like, that his big brother had killed two guys with his own hands.
"Yeah….I can see all that. I...I just wish we could have helped, that's all," Gordon responded understandingly.
Virgil gave his fun loving, yet deceptively sensitive, brother a warming smile and put an arm around his shoulder. "But you did, Gordy…and you too, Al…..just by being you, around him….by being normal….that's what he wanted. And remember all those times then he started coming with us on the trail walks….and when he was able to come up to the Falls with us before you guys had to go back….!" The two youngest brothers nodded. "Well…that was all therapy for him….us all being together again….and doing what we used to. That helped him more than you could know," Virgil added encouragingly.
Gordon and Alan returned a weak smile, glad, that in their own way and without them knowing it, they had been of some help to their big brother.
"Did…did he ever tell you…all…the things he saw in that village?" Gordon asked tentatively, as he thought back about what Virgil had told them, wondering now just what horrors his brother had witnessed, that he had banished to the deep recesses of his memory and, which more than likely, would now have come flooding to the surface again. He knew what it was like to banish bad memories to that place, only to have a remark or see a news item or something that would bring it all back again but he couldn't even begin to imagine what it must be like for Scott to have witnessed untold horrors and feel totally and utterly helpless.
Virgil just shook his head. "Only what he hinted at but he never went into detail…..and there were other things he just would not and never has talked about. I can't even begin to imagine…..but that's his way of protecting us."
Gordon nodded with understanding.
"Now look guys….the questions stop here…OK! I only told you so you would understand. So please….don't be asking him anything…not unless he wants to talk about it….but I wouldn't hold my breath," Virgil warned, to which his two youngest brothers readily agreed. It was then he realised there had been no comment, no questions from the only other person in the room; her silence making him almost forget she was there.
Concerned now, he looked to Jenna, wondering how she must be taking everything she had heard, only to find her brush her fingers along her cheek to wipe away a stray tear.
"Jen….please don't think badly of him. That's not who Scott is….it was extreme circumstances…..," Virgil anxiously defended his brother, worried that she might, because of her nursing ethics of saving life, not taking it, see him differently and, knowing now how much Scott was in love with her, he couldn't bear to think his brother would lose her. Virgil knew it would kill him or, at the very least, drive him into such a deep pit of despair that nothing or no one could dig him out, especially since it had taken his love-starved eldest brother so long to finally admit his feelings.
How could she ever think badly of him? This was the man she had fallen so hopelessly in love with, the man she had willingly given up her nursing career for. Her heart ached for him, ached for all he had suffered already since she had known him, for all the pain and injuries she knew he had endured in his life with International Rescue. She hadn't ever imagined, though, he could have known such pain, both physical torture and emotional anguish, in his service to the Air Force and all she longed to do now was to hold him, to comfort him, letting her love wash over him like a soothing balm.
"Oh Virgil….I know all that…..I know who Scott is and I know he did what he had to do. How could I ever think badly of him. I love him….I love him so much it hurts," Jenna stated simply and openly with a soft, assuring smile, wondering how he could ever think otherwise but she had to smile inwardly at the bond these guys had that made them instinctively protect each other. And yes, even Alan for she could see the remorse etched in his face.
Virgil nodded with relieved thankfulness. He should have known her love for Scott was so deep-rooted it would take more than revelations like that to shake it but he knew she would have to convince Scott of that fact. Knowing Jen, though, she was more than able for the task and was just what his despondent brother would need now.
Despite their trying to come to terms with these new revelations about their big brother, both Gordon and Alan were happy to know their brother was loved in such a way, though Alan was more preoccupied with other serious concerns, since he felt he had been the cause of all this. Gordon, however, had no such inhibitions about hiding his joy.
"Y.e.s. I knew it….I just knew it," Gordon grinned, curling his fingers into a little victory fist and pulling his arm down, as though having pulled on an emergency stop chord on an old-fashioned train, at her open declaration of love for his eldest brother, making her eyes crinkle up in a smile. "And he feels the same way….doesn't he?" he voiced his thoughts audibly, for how could he forget seeing the passion that sizzled between them when they looked at each other or that little 'incident' in the infirmary yesterday when he had innocently flirted with his brother's girl and that old 'green-eyed monster' had reared its head, causing his brother to exact a rather 'chilling' revenge! Gordon shivered involuntarily at the memory of the icy blasts to his nether regions! "Hey Jen….does this mean you're gonna be stickin around for a while! Do we get to call ya, Sis!" he cheekily inquired.
She smiled with warm affection at his obvious happy queries. "I'm sorry, Gordon….it's up to Scott to tell you his business," she replied with diplomatic ease and giving nothing away. Her smile then faded to one of concern, as her instinctive need to go to him grew. "Now I have to go and find him…..and make sure he's all right," she added, her concern not only coming from a lover's heart but from her nursing instincts as well, for she was well aware that the awakening of such emotional trauma could cause him physical distress, especially in the form of a blinding headache, given the nature of his surgery.
And Virgil couldn't help but smile to himself as he watched her leave. His brother sure was damn lucky to have a girl like her, someone who would not betray his confidences.
As she reached the door a plaintive voice called out.
"Jen!"
On turning she found herself looking at one very remorseful young man. "Yes Alan."
"Jen….when you find him…..will you tell him I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up a lot of bad memories for him….and…and I didn't mean to hurt him. I know I did. He thought I was afraid of him…..I could see it in his eyes. Please Jen….tell him I'm sorry," Alan begged sincerely.
And how could her heart not be moved by the obvious regret. Despite her earlier annoyance with him when they wanted to know why Scott had suddenly left the gym, she felt he had suffered enough; she knew she couldn't make him feel any worse than he already did.
"Oh Alan…..I think he'd rather hear that from you…..don't you?" she replied with a resigned sigh to which he just nodded.
And that's exactly what he would do the first chance he got.
The first place she thought of looking for him was back in the infirmary, though quite honestly she didn't really expect to find him there since he felt he had spent long enough in there already. She was right, the infirmary was empty. Seeing as she was on the lower level, Jenna thought she might as well try the games room and the home cinema but she had a feeling he wouldn't have been much in the mood for playing games or watching anything, still she wanted to be sure. She was right again; of her elusive patient there was no sign.
Her next port of call took her to the upper level where she intended to look in the kitchen. Perhaps he had decided to sit and ponder over a cup of his coffee, though she didn't really expect to find him there either since the kitchen was usually a hive of activity at this time of the day and Scott would, most definitely, want to be alone with his thoughts. To get to the kitchen she would have to go through the lounge so she would know she had searched there too and failing that then he would, more than likely, be outside….somewhere. And that's what started to worry her somewhat; that Scott would have felt the need to just get away that he could be anywhere on the island and, in a state of emotional distress, he could have collapsed, unable to call for help.
On nearing the lounge she hoped and prayed she would find him here, that he would have found it quiet enough, seeing as his brothers were down in the gym. But her anxiety was only heightened to find it empty as she did a quick scan of the room, well, empty of the object of her search anyway. So preoccupied was she with her need to find him, Jenna barely noticed the only other inhabitant of the room.
The opposite, however, could not be said though. Jefferson Tracy had been sitting behind his desk, sifting through his usual pile of corporate papers that had arrived by the morning mail, putting his all-important signature to those that needed it and putting aside those he would have to give some thought to before endorsing the proposals. He liked to work out here in the mornings, in the airy and spacious lounge, rather than secrete himself away in his private office; here he could smell the scented breeze that wafted through the open lounge windows and hear the rhythmic ocean, all of which had a soothing effect on him as he worked.
Now he stopped, glad of the small distraction that gave him the excuse of a break and peered with bemused puzzlement over the top of his reading glasses at the young woman who had slowly become such a fixture in their lives, turning the heart and the head of his eldest son in particular.
"You lost something, Jenna!" he had to ask, for his curiosity was getting the better of him.
She hadn't thought she had made it that obvious she was looking for anything and, as such, the sudden inquiry completely threw her, causing a momentary silence as she quickly tried to gather her thoughts and think what explanation she was going to give. Well, how could she admit to losing his eldest son! And, there again, she didn't want to get Alan into any more trouble with his father but her priority was in finding Scott.
Sighing heavily with resignation at the fact Jeff was only going to find out anyway she looked over with almost sheepish embarrassment. "Well….sort of. Have you seen, Scott?"
Now she had his full attention. How could she 'lose' someone that she spent day and night with, constantly by their side! And anything to do with Scott over this past while always gave him cause for concern but more so since that heated debriefing with his impetuous youngest son. Alan! Why, oh why did he suddenly feel so full of dread? Instinctively, somehow, he just knew Alan had to have a hand in his eldest son's 'disappearance'.
"Scott….no…I haven't seen Scott. Why? This has something to do with Alan, though….hasn't it?" Jeff asked warily, watching carefully the reaction on her face. The biting of her bottom lip told him all he needed to know.
"I'm afraid so, Jeff," she confessed reluctantly.
"All right….tell me….although I can pretty much guess," he requested with weary exasperation as he rubbed at his temple.
Jenna filled him in, starting with how they had gone to the gym as normal that morning for his exercises and that, how cagey Virgil and Gordon had been when Scott had offered to take her to show her Thunderbird One. "He knew something was up….that they were keeping something from him….and he made them tell him," she went on in explanation to which Jeff nodded, knowing it would have been hard to keep TB1's newest 'distinctive feature' a secret from her pilot for long. Jenna went on to tell him that Alan had almost come into the gym and beat a hasty retreat when he realised Scott knew and how Scott had called him back to have a 'little talk' about needing to always be on the ball and having your wits about you when flying Thunderbird One.
"All of a sudden…Scott just walked out. He looked so dejected, Jeff. Alan told us then what he had said…about wanting to know if Scott had killed anybody. Virgil thought it best if he told them the whole story…he didn't want them thinking all sorts of things," she added quickly in Virgil's defence. "And that's why I've got to find him now, Jeff….to make sure he's all right," she finished off, her concern clearly evident.
With a heavy sigh of exasperation and a shake of his head Jeff pulled off his glasses, tossing them carelessly on the desk. "Damn that boy….he just couldn't leave it alone…could he. All these years, Scott has worked so hard to put this behind him….to move on."
"If it's any consolation, Jeff….Alan is really sorry. I think he realises the damage he's done," Jenna offered in the youngest Tracy's defence.
All Jeff could do was nod, for after all, what was done was done. He should have known that something like this would have surfaced at some point or other and he only hoped, for his first-born's sake, that he was strong enough to deal with it a second time around and that, maybe this time, he would finally allow himself to heal.
"Jeff…is there anywhere in particular Scott would go when he needs to be alone?" she asked, quietly interrupting the older man's thoughts.
He thought for a moment, pained by the thought of his son having to relive all those memories, as well now as his own coming sharply back into focus. "When Scott first came back from the hospital….he would spend hours walking along the beach. He needed the open space for a start….to be able to breath the ocean. He…he couldn't face going into the interior for a while….reminded him too much…and when he did…. that first time…..! Well! Did Virgil tell you that too?" Jeff reminisced quietly.
It was Jenna's turn to just nod silently, forcing herself to keep her emotion in check as she listened to Jeff. She could see and hear the fresh sorrow reflected in this father's face and realised that what Scott had been through had also affected his family deeply, in varying degrees, according to what they knew at the time but that this was a family that bonded together and became stronger through adversity.
"When he needs to work something out of his system or needs some down time….he'll either work out in the gym or be out along the beach. And since you've come from the gym and he doesn't seem to be in the house….my guess is you'll find him down on the beach," Jeff conjectured.
He studied the young woman before him, wondering just how to go about saying this, wondering even if he should, was it his place! But then they had all been plunged into this downward spiralling situation, this Pandora's box that had been opened, by one young man's feeling aggrieved at being ticked off in a debriefing and he did not want his eldest son to suffer any more because of it. Scott was his only concern at this point in time.
"Jenna….if you love my son as much as you say you do….as much as I'd like to believe you do….. Well, he's going to need to know this doesn't make any difference to how you feel. I just don't want to think he's in for any more hurt….," he stated carefully.
She knew what he was trying to say and she understood his concern came purely from a father's heart. "Oh Jeff….you've no need to worry. Of course it would never make a difference to how I feel about him. I know he only did what he had to do. I could never hurt Scott. I love him….more than my own life," Jenna reassured him and that last statement wasn't just for emphasis either; she meant it with every fibre of her being.
"I was hoping you would say that," Jeff responded with a relieved smile. "Go to him, Jenna….he's going to need you now. There are some things only a woman can soothe in a man's soul," he then added with a sagely faraway reflection, which Jenna perceived to be born of personal experience.
Just at that moment, Kyrano entered the lounge with Jeff's usual pot of coffee that kept him going while he attended to his paperwork.
"Miss Jenna…..I did not know you were here. Do you wish me to bring another cup for you?" he greeted her in a courteous and apologetic manner, having only brought one cup for Jeff.
She smiled graciously at the man who always had that serene and gentle aura about him. "No thank you, Kyrano…..I'm not stopping. There's something I need to find right away….and it can't wait."
"Mr Scott went down onto the beach, Miss Jenna," Kyrano replied with a polite bow.
She pursed her lips together in an effort to contain the huge smile she felt spreading across her face. And there was she thinking she was being quite cryptic and careful in her excuse. Was she that obvious? How did the man do it? Could he really read her thoughts! Or was it just so natural that everyone always thought of them as being together that who else would she be looking for!
"Thank you, Kyrano. Well….I…eh…suppose I'd better go and…eh…see that he's all right," Jenna replied, trying to sound casual.
She left by the sliding glass windows that led out onto the balcony, watched by Jeff and his sagely companion.
"She will bring much peace to Mr Scott's troubled soul," Kyrano observed quietly.
Jeff wasn't quite sure just what his faithful and wise old friend knew and what he just, perhaps, sensed. "Yes, Kyrano….I believe she will."
Jenna picked up her pace as she hurried across the patio and down the path that would take her to the beach, her need to find him, to comfort him growing with each step. And then she stopped, having found the object of her search. Her heart immediately went out to him. For there, just a little way off and sitting under the shade of a tree at the edge of the beach was the man she loved, his whole body language telling her he felt the weight of the world pressing down on him. He looked so forlorn, dejected and alone and as she observed him bury his head in his hand, she thought her heart would break in two.
Right at that moment and even though she knew Alan now bitterly regretted what he'd done, her former annoyance with the young man's insatiable curiosity surfaced again with all the fierce instinct of a lover wanting to protect the object of her love from hurt, or, much in the same way a she-wolf would jealously protect her cubs at all costs. Well, they do say that the female of the species can be deadlier than the male and nothing could be truer than when her protective instincts have been aroused.
He had headed for the beach, being drawn like a magnet to its tranquil beauty, with the need to be alone with his re-awakened memories. He just had to get out of there, as far away as possible from the cloying atmosphere that suddenly closed in around him. He would have went much farther, if he could, to his private place, his cove which lay beyond the great rock formations at the far end of the beach and accessible only through a narrow winding sandy pathway but it was a wonder he got this far. Only the swirling turmoil of emotions that were churning around inside of him enabled him to walk as far as he did without thinking. Tired and wearied now he sat down heavily in the shade of the tree line that edged the beach of white, finely sifted sand.
It came out of nowhere. Alan! He'd just asked right out of the blue, stunning him with the simple directness of it. Remembering again the fear he had seen in his youngest brother's eyes as he'd made a move towards him left him feeling like he'd been kicked in the gut. It was what he'd tried to protect them from all these years, to protect himself from, not to have them look at him like that.
Other young eyes now haunted his thoughts, young eyes, shocked and fearful at what had just happened to him. The image came back with horrific, vivid clarity, that of a young man who looked down to watch his own life's blood flow from the stab wound in his chest and then take his last breath as he fell to the ground. Scott saw again the bloodied knife he held in his hands; saw again the crumpled, lifeless form of the man whose neck he had snapped fall from his hands. Other terrifying memories tried to push their way to the surface, women screaming, the cries of mothers for their children and the babies……! No, he would not think about that, he would not allow himself to remember.
But the memories did not stop there. One after the other they kept coming. From his time in the hospital when he had first woken to his pain and confusion, his almost unbearable torture at the hands of Major Bauer through to when he had come home and that bad flashback when he had almost killed Virgil to when he had been presented with his Medal of Honor. They were all there, as clear now as when they first happened.
There was only one memory he could look back on that alleviated his pain to some degree, the part of his Vision that had been his sole source of comfort; his she-wolf who had licked his wounds, allowing him to heal and become strong, then to become woman to whom he had made sensuous and passionate love in that erotic dream state. He had to admit, though, he hadn't thought about that in quite a while, allowing it to fade away over the years with not believing any longer it could ever come true since the relationships he'd had never did match the intensity of what he felt.
Thinking about it now, though, made him think of the only person who could ever be the fulfilment of that Vision, the one person who had opened his heart to true love, the one person who had been a constant in his life these past few weeks, the one person who haunted his every thought. Jenna. From the moment he had laid eyes on her, while lying on that examining table, he had dreamt of her. The more he thought about it the clearer it became, the more sense it made and the words of interpretation from one wise and oft times infuriating Native American male nurse came drifting back down through the years.
She had been patient, yet strong and determined, reminding him of the she-wolf that paced up and down his cave but would not go away, would not give up and Jen would not give up on him, always making him feel good about himself. Like his wolf mate that had licked his wounds, so she had cared for him with tenderness and love and, had not only helped him heal physically but had helped him heal emotionally. The words came back to him: 'She has a will as strong as your own, Chey'nah…and she has patience…perhaps because she sees what she wants'. The memory brought a sad smile to his face.
He had fought against loving her, wanting her, as in his Vision, his Alpha male had snapped and snarled to drive her away, to keep her from getting close. Again the words came back to him: 'You do not love yourself, Chey'nah…so you will feel unworthy to be loved…you will find it hard to let yourself be loved'. But he had let her in, allowed himself to be loved, opened himself up to being vulnerable and she had been gentle and tender with his fragile heart. Gawd, how he wanted her and somehow he knew that making love to her would make even the intensity of his Vision pale in comparison with the reality.
But other thoughts troubled him now. Jenna! What if she knew! They would want to know why he had suddenly walked out. Alan would be telling them what he'd said to him and wanting to know if it was true. Her determination and tenacity would make Alan tell her. That thought brought a pained smile to his face for she sure was tenacious. What if Virgil was telling them everything, in his good-intentioned way of helping them understand?
But what then if she couldn't take what he'd done? She may have resigned from her career but her nursing ethics about saving life, treating and caring for the sick, were a core part of her, who she was. What if she couldn't accept this part of him? He couldn't bear for her to look at him any differently, couldn't bear to see that look of, 'I don't really know who you are' in her eyes. And he couldn't bear to watch her have to search for ways of letting him down gently, telling him she could no longer love a man who had taken life, killed in such a brutal fashion.
His overriding need to protect himself was telling him there was only one answer. It would be better to end it now, for her to leave him rather than prolong his agony. But that thought only brought him more unbearable pain. He didn't want to be without her, couldn't bear the thought of losing her, not now, not when he had only just found her, when he had only just found the courage to declare his love.
His own thoughts tortured him; pain, like the stabbing of a knife in his chest that was being twisted, ripped through his gut. He knew what pain was; he could endure physical pain, physical pain would heal but this, this 'needing her to go', 'not wanting her to go', this uncertainty was driving him insane, was worse than any physical torture he had endured.
'So…..you think it would be better to drive her away….again….Chey'nah….to keep from being hurt!' an accusing voice sounded in his thoughts.
"I have to," Scott protested with himself.
'Why, Chey'nah? Have you so little faith? Do you not think her love can be strong enough to accept you as you are?' the voice from down the years questioned him.
"I…I don't know. It's better this way," Scott argued with his thoughts.
'Is it! Better for who, Chey'nah? I told you this day would come,' the familiar voice continued troubling him.
"I…I don't know what you mean," Scott answered his own tortured argument, though in his heart of hearts, he knew.
'It is time, Chey'nah….time to enter your 'circle of fire'……time to sit in your 'seat of pain',' the voice reminded him of long ago things. He could hear Cass speak as clearly as if he were beside him.
"No….no….I can't," he cried inwardly to himself.
'You will not be alone, Chey'nah. Remember…..re..mem..ber…..,' the voice echoed. 'She will walk through your fire with you…because her love is strong. You want to be with her…remember….re..mem..ber. She will be your healing…….but only if you allow her to be….re..mem..ber……'
"Leave me alone," Scott agonised.
'Your time has come, Chey'nah….the time for you to decide. Only you can decide……only…you…can…decide...only……you……,' the voice echoed and faded.
"Leave me alone….just leave me alone," he begged, crying out to the rhythmic ocean as it broke over the reef beyond, the crashing waves echoing the turmoil he felt in his soul. "Just leave me alone," he faded to a whisper and with that he buried his head in his hand, wearied by his thoughts.
Her only thought was to comfort him for her heart ached so much to see him like this. So, kneeling down behind him, Jenna tenderly kissed his back, through the fine white muslin shirt he wore, at the same time reaching out to touch him, caressing his right arm. She felt him take in a sudden breath, flinch and stiffen at her touch as he jerked upright and she realised, too late, that she had startled him.
"I'm so sorry, Scott…I didn't mean to startle you," Jenna apologised, as she soothingly caressed his back.
So lost had he been in his thoughts he hadn't heard her approaching him from behind and the suddenness of her touch made him catch his breath. He knew, though, by the way she kissed him and where she had kissed him on his back that she knew. He swallowed hard and closed his eyes, his facial muscles flinching and tightening against the pain of what he was about to do. If he didn't say it now he just wouldn't have the courage and it was best while she was behind him so he wouldn't have to look at her beautiful face. If he did he would waver and nor could he bear to see a pitying look in her eyes, those eyes that he had held so intensely with his own, those eyes and everything about her that made him feel so alive and made his body burn with fire.
"I guess now you know the worst of me…..so it's probably best if you leave…and leave now because I don't want your pity and I can't stand long goodbyes," he stated with a cold, hard edge to his voice and as steady as he could muster in the circumstances but all the while his heart was breaking, all the while his heart was crying out, 'Please Jen, go….before I beg you to stay. I don't want you to go…but I can't live with just your pity…if you can't love me.'
Jenna took a calming breath while closing her eyes briefly. She should have guessed he might react like this, try to close himself off again to her love. How she could cheerfully throttle Alan right at this moment. Scott had been so happy after finally letting his guard down, after finally admitting his love and now he was right back where he started. He had lost all faith in himself, in the capacity to feel he was worthy of being loved. Well, she was not going to let him go with a fight, she was not going to give up on him and she was most certainly not going to let him beat himself up.
She stroked his back with soothing caresses. "Oh Scott….the only worst I see in you is that you fight so hard against letting yourself be loved," she sighed with gentle tenderness. With that she wrapped her arms around him and pressing herself tightly into his back, once more, tenderly kissed him where she knew he'd been shot.
His right hand immediately clasped hers where they met across his chest and, curling his fingers around hers, he squeezed them tightly. She was making this so hard for him and it was killing him for, from the moment she touched him, held him, he wanted to hold her and never let her go.
She held him for a few moments then relaxed her hold and moved around to face him. With gentle tenderness Jenna put her fingers under his chin and tilted his head, making him look at her and feeling heart-sore at seeing the hooded look of deep pain reflected in his eyes.
"I'm sorry but I'm not going anywhere or have any intention of saying goodbye…..and I have no intention of pitying you either. The fact is…Mr Tracy…I love you…..and there's not a thing you or I can do about that. So…I guess you're stuck with me," she smiled with gentle loving yet being quite firm in her stance for she was determined to make him understand nothing, absolutely nothing would ever change that fact.
He drew in an emotional breath, closing his eyes briefly, so wanting to believe her. "I've killed, Jen….one of them was only a boy," he stated, wondering whether she really knew what she was saying.
"I love you," she returned simply, holding his pained and agonised gaze.
"Don't you understand? I have blood on my hands…..these hands have taken life…as easily as squashing a bug," he reiterated angrily, feeling she wasn't really listening but, in truth, the anger and the hurt was directed only at himself.
"I love you, Scott," she repeated again simply and reaching out she cupped his face lovingly in her hand.
He needed her touch, gawd, how he needed her touch. Scott closed his eyes for a moment and turned his face fully into her hand, just wanting to bathe in the tenderness of her love, wanting so much to believe her.
"Oh Scott, did you really think that would have made a difference? I know what you had to do….and you know you had no choice. I am not going to let you beat yourself up over this. You were caught up in a situation that was not of your making or choosing, Scott. They made the choice for you…..the minute they decided on their course of action….and you…..you only did what you were trained to do….what you had to do. So…I am not going to let you blame yourself for surviving," she told him firmly, yet with loving tenderness, feeling that, somehow, she was in a battle for the sanity of his soul.
His breath was ragged, his breathing now coming in spasms with the well of emotion that was rising up in him. One warm tear brimmed over his eyelid and splashed down onto her hand as she continued to hold his face.
"And as for these hands…..," Jenna began, reaching down and taking his hands, even his still, as yet, unfeeling left hand in hers, lifting them to her lips and kissing them softly, "…..these hands are the most gentle, caring and loving hands I know; these hands have helped save so many people….done so much good. There is no stain on these hands, Scott….none at all."
He drew in another emotional breath, as all the time she was tearing down his wall, all the time he felt himself edging towards that 'circle of fire'. Another few tears spilled over and rolled freely down his cheeks.
She could feel him give way and she knew she was winning the battle for his heart. "Did you really think I wouldn't love you any longer; that I could close my heart to you? Did you think I could let you go through this pain alone? Oh Scott, don't you know…..I would go through fire for you," she told him, impassioned by her need to make him know how much she loved him.
It was like she had just said some secret password, the key that would unlock everything. Again, the words from the past rang clear in his thoughts: 'How will I know her, Cass? What if I don't recognise her,' he heard himself say.
'Do not worry…you will know her, Chey'nah…your heart will know her…if you allow your heart to be open. Her love for you will be very deep….for she will be willing to sit through your pain with you. You will know when it is time. Her love for you will be so great she will be willing to walk through fire for you,' came the response.
"She will sit through your pain with you….she will be willing to walk through fire for you…..walk through fire for you…..," the words echoed through his mind.
"Scott! What is it?" Jenna asked slightly worried by the strange faraway expression that had come over him.
He searched her face eagerly for what he hoped was true. "What did you just say, Jen?" Scott implored of her.
She smiled a little with bemusement, not quite understanding of his desperate need to know. "Which bit! Did you think I wouldn't love you any longer….that I could close my heart….or that I would let you go through this alone!"
"No…no….the last bit. What did you say, Jen…..please?" he implored again.
Softly smiling she stroked his face to finish cupping it in her hand. "That I would walk through fire for you! I would do anything for you, Scott. You are my life's breath…..my heartbeat…..don't you know that!" she told him with her loving smile, still not understanding the significance of what she'd just said.
It was like a sweet release to him, as though she had begun to lift a heavy burden from him, a burden he no longer had to bear alone and his eyes shone and sparkled with tears of joy.
"Scott! What is it?" Jenna asked, concerned now at how all this was affecting him.
"Just something, somebody once told me….that I would know when it was time," he told her with a pained smile.
"And would that someone just happen to be a Native American male nurse!" Jenna surmised with a gentle inquiry.
"Yeah….Cass," he replied.
"He sounds like quite a character," Jenna smiled with warm affection for a fellow colleague.
"Oh he is….gawd damn infuriating at times," Scott responded, managing a laugh through the turmoil of emotions that still raged in him. He gazed deep into her eyes, wanting now to tell her everything. "I had a Vision, Jen…….," he began, feeling the need to share it with her, telling her the significance of her words.
It was something he had never shared with his brothers or father since it had been so very personal but with her it was different for he was sure, beyond question, that she was the fulfilment and it was something that Jenna very much appreciated. It never once entered her head to make light of it or to make fun; in fact, she deemed it an honor that he would share something so very personal and intimate with her, though she had to admit to blushing a little at the more sensual and erotic parts. Well, they both did.
"That was a special and very beautiful thing you experienced, Scott," she told him sincerely and now that she understood everything and the significance of her words, they took on a new and deeper meaning. "You won't ever be alone, Scott….because I'll never leave you. I want to sit with you through your pain….if you'll let me...and I would walk through fire for you," she encouraged him with a loving smile and with that, Jenna held out her arms to him, wanting to embrace and to hold him.
It was all he had longed for, ever since these dark memories had erupted again to the surface and, with the long ago image, in his mind's eye, of 'her' beckoning him into the fire with outstretched arms, he at last gave in. She had broken him and he willingly walked into his 'fire' to be with her, collapsing now into her arms to be held in her warm, loving embrace. He clung to her, as though he were clinging to life itself, which for him, she was.
"Sshhh….it's all right….I've got you now," Jenna whispered, caressing his back with soothing strokes.
And all the emotion he had kept pent up inside came tumbling out with heartfelt passion. "Jen. Jen….I love you so much. I…I couldn't bear it if I lost you…..I never wanted you to go. You are my life…my heart…my very soul. When I look at you I have to remind myself to breathe….when I don't see you I feel part of me is missing. I ache when you're not around me….and, gawd how I ache when you are around me. I need you, Jen….more than my life. I'm always going to need you."
With his head nestled comfortably in her neck, she held him and rocked him for quite a while, just bathing him in her love and tender caress. He drank it in eagerly, like water to a man dying of thirst in a dry desert. But there were still issues he needed to deal with, things he needed to face, though somehow now he felt it might be that little bit easier, now that he didn't have to bear it alone. It wasn't that he didn't appreciate or value the help and support of his family but this was different, these were things only his life's partner could help him with.
His thoughts turned back to what made him leave the gym, to the look he saw in his youngest brother's eyes. "He…he was afraid of me, Jen. Alan…..I could see it in his eyes," he reflected, the hurt in his voice clearly evident.
Jenna closed her eyes, feeling his pain and wishing with all her heart she could take it away from him. "I'm sure he didn't mean to be, Scott. He was probably just afraid of finding out something new…because he thought he had known everything about that time, that's all," she responded, trying to think of a reason that would ease his worries. "Deep down Alan knows you could never hurt him….and I know he's really sorry for bringing all this up but I know he wants to tell you that himself," she added, softly stroking his face as he lay against the warmth of her body.
He swallowed hard. "Maybe it is time all this was out in the open and I faced it head on….instead of trying to bury it," Scott admitted and it seemed, now that he was in the mood for admitting things, he just kept going! "But…but I know what I'm capable of doing, Jen….," he continued but before he got any farther.
"You were trained for exceptional circumstances, Scott. You're never going to be in combat again," she reminded him gently.
"Yeah…I know," he replied quietly. "But Jen…I love you so much. I know that if anyone were to hurt you….or even try to hurt you….I know now...I would kill them…..and that scares me, babe," he confessed with such a depth of passion, clinging to her as he told her. The primal instincts of this Alpha male to protect his mate were sure kicking in now!
"Sshhh…please don't think like that….don't torture yourself with 'ifs'," she implored him, not wanting him to heap any more anguished thoughts on himself, knowing that his depth of passion was very real, yet somehow she couldn't help but feel wonderfully safe, safe in the knowledge that this man, who lay in her arms, had the power and the will to protect her. And what woman wouldn't feel protected after a declaration like that and from a man like that!
He had begun to relax in her embrace now, allowing himself to be lulled by her gentle stroking of his body as she rocked him. Then suddenly and without warning he found himself starting to shake and tremble, unable to control it and barely able to catch his breath, as darker memories came forcefully to the surface.
"Scott! What's wrong….what is it?" Jenna asked anxiously, not knowing yet if this was a purely emotional reaction or due to his physical condition.
"Oh gawd, Jen…..the babies….they're….!" Scott cried out in anguish.
She held him tightly as she realised the darkest of his memories were coming to the surface. "Just let it go, Scott. I'm here….I'm not going to let you go. Just let it all out….let it go," she urged, likening the purging of his memories to the lancing of an abscess that needs to be drained of its poisonous toxins.
"I…I can't…" Scott agonised, his breathing coming in ragged gasps as his body still shook.
Jenna could feel him fighting it and her heart went out to him, guessing now that this was a particularly bad and gruesome memory but she knew he needed to release it before he could find any semblance of peace. "I know it's bad, Scott….and I know it must be painful…but I'm here. I'll sit with you as long as you need me….just let it go, Scott….let it all go."
"Jen. Oh gawd…J..e..n. The babies…..they…they butchered the babies….on their bayonets….all of them…they butchered them all. Oh Gawd forgive me….I couldn't do anything…..I couldn't help them," he cried out, his soul in a torment of agony.
Jenna could only hold him. Squeezing her eyes shut against the horrific images, warm tears escaped her eyes, tears for those innocent children, tears for their inconsolable mothers and tears for this man she loved more than life itself who was suffering agonies one couldn't even begin to imagine.
His shaking and trembling became more intense as the memories came more forcefully.
She had seen it before, in patient's relatives who had seemingly been able to cope for weeks with their loved ones severely disabled condition, where they would need constant 24 hour nursing care for the rest of their lives, only then for the realisation to hit them. It would come suddenly and without warning, hitting them with all the forceful impact of a tsunami wave. But, like any wave, it would eventually recede, leaving them emotionally drained and shattered in its wake, though ready to face the future, having met it head on.
His body and emotions were building. She knew what was coming.
Scott threw back his head and a deep, anguished cry escaped his lips, ripped from the very depths of his soul. It reverberated around the island like nothing ever heard before, like an animal in torment. So much so it caused the birds to suddenly rise up from the trees.
It started out as a low, despairing moan, barely audible and rose to a full, agonised crescendo.
"N.o.o.o….not…the…babies. N.o.o.o.o.o. N.A.A.G.G.H.H.H.H.H.H.H.H………
Author's Note: To refresh yourself about Gordon's 'chilling' experience of his 'icy blasts' to his nether regions, check out ch 64 and for a reminder of Thunderbird One's 'newest distinctive feature' check out the reference in ch 65 or the actual event in ch 62.
