Bloody Hell, A Talking Hat!

Chapter Four: Dave the Goth

Disclaimer: I can't be arsed to type it all out but you should all know it by heart by now.

Dedication: I would like to dedicate this chapter to Steve Irwin (rest in peace) and Richard Hammond, aka Hamster (he survived! Yesss!).

Authors Note: ooo I updated! Took long enough. School has started and is a right bugger. Apparently AS levels are somewhat important so they are giving us all craploads of work. Will try and update a bit more often.

I don't like this chapter a great deal, which would explain why it took so long to come out. Oh well. The next one will be up sooner.


Friday 22nd July

8:15am

Sun is shining, birds are tweeting, and the beautiful smell of breakfast is floating up the stairs. Alright, so I made the last bit up, but the rest is true. Today is the last day of Stalag 14 and then the six weeks hols are here and the sentence is over!

9:15am

Assembly

Excellent, the Foxwood lads are going to the Elvis party. That should be a hoot and a half. I wonder if Dave the Laugh will be there? Still, what do I care, I am after all going out with a Luuurve Stallion.

9:40am

I feel almost sad, this will be our last Physics lesson for an entire year. How I will miss Herr Kamyer and his Germanosity. And his socks, he was wearing a most amusing pair today. Long and wooly with a weird tartan-esque pattern, which is rather foolish since we are in the middle of a heatwave.

Break

Rosie said, 'Can you believe that we don't have to come back here in September?'

Jools said, 'I know, it is quite literally a bloody miracle.'

Jas was being all mopey because she has to leave Hunky for a whole year. I politely told her to get over it and she went off in a huff. But never mind Mrs Huffy Knickers, today is a day of celebration.

I mentioned this to the gang and Ro-Ro said, 'Yes, a VIKING day of celebration! HOOORN!'

Then all did the Viking disco inferno dance and were awarded two bad conduct marks apiece.

Noon

At lunch me and Rosie went to find the titchy firsties. They both seemed very disheartened to learn that we were leaving but perked up when we announced that we were leaving them in charge of mayhem in our leave. Ginger titch even promised to keep up the staring-at-Wet-Lindsay's-forehead plan.

Maths

Rosie said to me, 'It just won't be the same next year without Miss Stamps moustache'.

Jools said, 'Yes, it will be a great deal less terrifying'.

And we all laughed like drains.

Home-time

Thank God that's over! Six entire weeks of nothingness await us now! All those long, long days of sunshine and snogging and some other things that I can't think of. It's going to be great!

5:30pm

Or not. Vati burst through the door grinning like an escapee from the loony bin (which he probably is).

I said as politely as I could, 'Vati, can you please stop the scary smile, I would like to be able to eat this pop-tart without throwing up.'

He didn't even go off in a mood. He just continued to smile maniac-style.

'Guess what Gee!'

Oh no, not guessing games. Hopefully he's going to tell me that Uncle Eddie fell down a well or something.

'I've booked for us all to stay on a campsite in the Lake District for three weeks! We leave tomorrow!'

WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?

5:45pm

How absolutely bloody typical. After all these months of work I finally get the Italian Stallion to go out with me, and now we are off to the bloody Lake District for half of the bloody holidays.

This is sounding awfully familiar…

5:46pm

I hate my family.

Twice.

6:45pm

It's almost time for Elvis's party, but I'm really not in the mood for celebrating. I suppose I do have a moral obligation to the Ace Gang to go though.

Plus, Elvis is almost certain to break his back at some point during the evening.

7:00pm

I cheered up somewhat when I met up with the Ace Gang. Rosie was wearing one of those huge coats that people use to smuggle drugs and alcohol in, even though it is bloody boiling. I asked her what was in it and she opened the coat and showed me.

It turns out that as a thoughtful gift Sven has given her a huge bottle of vodka. Apparently we are all going to spike the teachers drinks for the sheer fun of it.

All of a sudden I was really glad that I'm leaving for the land of lakes tomorrow, because if they catch us they will definitely kill us.

7:30pm

To say that this party was organised by the twisted sadists at Stalag 14, it's actually not too bad. I saw Rosie sneak off in her ludicrous coat a few minutes ago, so I can only assume she is off to spike drinks.

Oh Godfrey, Dave the Laugh and the rest of the Foxwood lads have just arrived. Let nobody say that they did not arrive in style. I have no idea why they have all gone Goth but I must say it is rather hilarious.

7:45pm

Dave the Goth came over while I was getting a drink. I couldn't help but stare at him.

He said, 'Oy, missus, stop checking me out. I know I'm gorgeous, but you're supposed to be going out with that homosexual handbag-wielding Italian bloke.'

I gave him my worst look and I was going to ignore him, but I just had to ask why he'd gone all Gothic.

7:55pm

Turns out that Emma has dumped Dave! I asked why but he wouldn't say. Oh well. I asked him if that was why he's gone Goth. He said that Rollo and the rest of them all got a bit carried away when they realised that Dave was supposed to be depressed.

8:00pm

He doesn't look very depressed to me. Au contraire, he's doing an Irish jig right now.

8:15pm

Went over to Jas. I said, 'Jazzy, Dave the Goth has broken up with Emma!'

She said, 'Do you think he looks Goth? I would've said he was more emo myself.'

'Perhaps, but 'Dave the Emo' doesn't have quite the same ring to it, does it?'

'Maybe 'Emo Dave' would work better.'

'But Dave's always been Dave the something. It just doesn't work otherwise.'

'True.'

It was then that the karaoke began.

8:30pm

I can safely say that the vodka has taken full effect. If I live to be five hundred, I never want to hear an Abba song again.

8:40pm

Ditto Madonna.

8:48pm

Ditto any form of music ever again ever.

8:55pm

It did make me laugh when Dave and Rollo did a cover of the Cheeky Girls 'Touch My Bum', complete with actions. If I was Jools I would be a bit worried, but she was laughing like a drain.

9:10pm

Jools is snogging somewhere with Rollo, I saw Mabs heading out with some Foxwood lad, Jas is in Jas-n-Tom land and Ellen is hanging round Dave. So much for getting over him, she's hanging onto his every word. There is also no sign of she-who-shall-not-be-named, aka Wet Lindsay. I can see her tragic friends but she is not with them.

I said to Rosie, 'I do hope she hasn't contracted bird flu and died a slow and painful death, that would put a slight dampener on the party atmosphere.'

Rose said, 'Maybe she's just really critically ill.'

I'd like to think that were true, but I mustn't get my hopes up.

Oh cod, Dave is coming over.

He walked right up to me and said, 'Hello, Sex Kitty, we meet again.'

I looked around for Rosie but she had disappeared. Where did she go? She was here two seconds ago.

Dave asked if I wanted a drink. I asked for a pint of Carling but he just looked at me funny.

9:12pm

Oh no, Slim is getting on stage. I said to Dave, 'Dave, I really don't want to listen to this. I'm going outside.'

He followed me outside. Bugger and damnation. Whenever we went outside together we ended up getting to number six.

I will just have to say to him, 'Dave, look, I am in a relationship and we can't do this any more. I'm sorry.'

9:15pm

Even from all the way outside I can hear Slim murdering a Queen song. Why Queen? Of all the bands in the world, why did she have to kill Queen? I bet poor Freddie's turning in his grave.

9:17pm

I had just said, "Dave, look' when he said, 'Look, Gee, I know you're in a relationship with that handbag bloke, and we really shouldn't do this anymore.'

What the hell? I was going to say that!

Unfortunately Dave wasn't finished yet. He looked at me all sadly. 'Once more for old times sake?'

I was about to protest, but my lips had developed their own brain and were completely ignoring me.

9:25pm

We had just reached number six when Jas came running out.

'Gee, quick, Elvis is about to – oh.'

Me and Dave sprung apart like a pair of springing things. I know for a fact that my head was doing its world-renowned lobster impression; i.e. going bright red.

Jas stared at us for a minute, then mumbled something about Elvis singing in a minute or so before heading back in.

Dave had already started to walk away so I followed Jas back inside.

9:29pm

I made Jas promise not to tell Ellen or anyone about me and Dave accidentally snogging (again). She has agreed, but now I have to help her find a way to break it to Tom that she's going away in six weeks.

Luckily I'm going away tomorrow so I won't have to do anything. Excellent!

9:31pm

Everyone is betting on what Elvis will sing. Jas thinks it will be the Beatles, Ellen reckons it'll be 'something cheesy', Jools and Mabs think that he will live up to his namesake and Ro-Ro is almost certain that it will be Mambo Number Five. I just try not to think about Elvis singing.

9:34pm

Elvis is getting onto the little stage thingy where the karaoke is. Good luck and God bless all who sail in him.

I said to Jas, 'No one's getting out of here alive.'

Jas said, 'It won't be that bad. It'll probably be funny.'

And then we heard the opening lines of Michael Jackson's 'Thriller'.

9:36pm

I can safely say this is like nothing I have ever heard before, or ever want to hear again for that matter. What worries me is that Elvis actually sounds somewhat similar to Jacko. I thought I would die of laughter.

9:37pm

I said to the gang, 'Is there not something wrong with the fact that Elvis is singing a Jacko song in the middle of a room full of young children?'

I thought Jas would choke to death on her drink, but she didn't (more's the pity).

9:37 and a half pm

I said to Dave, who happened to be nearest, 'Do you think he's going to moonwalk?'

Dave grinned and then headed over to where the rest of the guys were standing. What's he up to?

9:39pm

Thank God, the song is almost over. I haven't laughed so much in ages! Elvis has stopped singing now, and the music is fading.

Wait a second. What are Dave and co are shouting?

It sounds a bit like 'Moonwalk! Moonwalk!'

9:40pm

By popular demand Elvis is going to moonwalk. This should be interesting.

9:41pm

Hahahahahahahahahah! Just when I thought this day couldn't get any more hilarious! Elvis moonwalking has to be the funniest thing known to man!

9:41 and forty seconds

Heheheheheheheheheh! This is excellent! I could watch this forever and not get bored!

Elvis is a bit near the edge of the stage though…

9:43pm

OhmyGod! Elvis has tripped over his own feet and fallen backwards off the stage!

9:45pm

Amongst the laughing I distinctly heard Elvis shout 'I think I've broken my hip!'

Jas looked at me and said 'Elvis has broken his pelvis!'

And we both laughed like laughing things on laughing gas.

Walking home

10:00pm

The ambulance showed up a few minutes ago and ruined the party atmosphere so we're all heading home. Jools said, 'I can't believe we didn't even get the opportunity to tell him that we know about his nuddy-pants mags.'

Bugger. That would have been an excellent comedy thingy. Oh well, I'm sure there will be a cantankerous old caretaker at Hogwarts for us to take the piss of.

Although hopefully the new caretaker won't have such a scary Michael Jackson persona.

10:30pm

Got home and had to phone Masimo to tell him that I'm going away tomorrow. I hate my parents. Masimo sounded all sad and told me to phone him when I got there. He told me that the Stiff Dylans have got some gigs lined up for the next couple of weeks and I told him about Elvis falling off the stage. We would've talked for longer but then my Vati came barging in moaning about me wasting money talking crap on the phone. It seems a little harsh to me, when you consider that for the next three weeks I wont even have a phone. Except for crappy payphones, but to be honest those are more like public urinals anyway.

I hate my family. The only good news is that Uncle Eddie has to 'work' and therefore won't be coming with us.


Author's Note

Gah! Thank God that chapter's over! The next chapter will mostly be a filler chapter, just taking up some time before Hogwarts, but the chapter after that will be Diagon Alley.

Thankyous very much to all who reviewed. Some of you even reviewed twice, so double thanks to you all.

Next chapter will hopefully be up in a week or two.