Chapter Five: They've Eaten the Prat Poodles
Disclaimer: Don't own nothing.
Dedication: This chapter is dedicated to Morrissey, for the simple reason that he is an utter legend.
Authors Note: Sitting here, listening to some good music and feeling really glad to be alive. Maybe because it's Christmas soon, maybe because school is almost over, but the world is a beautiful place right now.
I know it's been a long time coming, but here it is: chapter five. Enjoy.
Saturday 23rd July
3:30pm
A million hours of driving in the crappy clown car to the middle of nowhere. Nothing but sheep and hills for as far as the eye can see. Surely nobody can survive three weeks of this? I haven't seen so much as a payphone, yet alone a shop or public house.
3:45pm
Excellent, Mutti and Vati are putting up the tent. Half of me is utterly horrified that we are living in a tent, but the other half knows that watching my parents attempt to put up a tent will be hilarious in the extreme.
4:15pm
I was right, this is hilarious.
4:25pm
Vati has just attempted to hammer in a tent peg and has instead managed to whack himself on the thumb with the hammer.
4:27pm
He saw me laughing and went ballisticus as usual. He told me to make myself useful and get some water. I was about to tell him to bloody well get it himself but I couldn't be arsed (and also he was wielding a hammer at the time).
4:44pm
Getting water from some rusty tap in the middle of a field. How primitive. Why don't we just sell the house and live in a cave?
5:05pm
I've been gone over half an hour; they must have put the tent up by now.
5:15pm
Even by my parents standards this is bad. The tent is a heap of canvas on the floor and Libby has stolen one of the tent pegs as her latest 'fwend'. Mr Peg has joined Our Lord Sandra, scuba-diving Barbie, Charlie Horse and the rest of them.
5:45pm
Eventually the Welsh man on the pitch next to us helped Mutti and Vati put the tent up. When I say 'helped', what I mean is that he did pretty much everything. Mum hung around in her ludicrously short skirt attempting to flirt with the Welsh guy and Vati held up some poles or something.
Oh well, at least we have somewhere to sleep now.
7:40pm
Vati is attempting to cook something on a tiny little crappy camping stove. Hopefully he will set fire to his recently grown back beard.
8:20pm
He still hasn't managed to cook anything edible. I wonder if Pizza Hut deliver to campsites?
LateThe tent has fallen over.
Sunday 24th July
LateThe tent has fallen over again.
Tuesday 26th July
LateThe tent has fallen over again.
This is beyond a joke.
Thursday 28th July
2:50pm
I am never staying in a tent again.
Friday 29th July
10:00am
Oh joy de whatsit, Mutti and Vati have decided that today would be a good day to go trekking to the top of one of the many mountains around here. Why? What's the point?
'Vati, what is the point of walking fifty miles up a mountain, only to have to walk all the way back down again.'
He said, 'Just wait until you get to the top, Gee. All that fresh mountain air and the brilliant view.'
'Vati, I don't care about the mountain view or the freezing cold air at the top. I am more concerned about being able to walk for the rest of the holidays.'
He just went grumbling off.
I want to go home.
12:00pm
I managed to persuade the olds to let me stay and guard the tent from dogs and bears and any Blair witches lurking around. Of course I am not actually going to stay in the tent all day, I am off to check out the social hotbed that is the nearby village.
1:30pm
So far I have found a post office and a Spar.
1:45pm
And a crappy little second hand store.
Still not a phone box in sight.
2:15pm
A phone box! Thank you baby Jesus! Never in my life have I been more happy to see a red metal box.
2:20pm
Who should I call first, Jas or Masimo? My besty mate or my boyfriend?
Just realised that I am going to need some time to prepare to speak to Masimo, otherwise I will come across as a fool and an idiot, with just a hint of utter twat.
On the phone to Jas2:22pm
'Hello?'
'Jazzy! It's me!'
'Who?'
'Me, Jazzy, your very bestest mate who you love.'
'Oh, it's you.'
'Of course it is. Now say it with some enthusiasm!'
'No.'
'That's more like it. How is life back in merry old England?'
'The Lake District is in England, Gee. You're in the same country.'
'Don't be stupid. How is everyone?'
'All good. We're going to Skeggy tomorrow.'
I very nearly hung up at that point. The Ace Gang, going on a trip without one of the Ace? Sickening.
I think Jas could tell something by the fact that I wasn't saying anything.
'Look, Gee, you could come with us, but you're in the Lake District.'
Silence.
'Look, we're all going to London with you when you get back.'
Silence.
2:30pm
We have come to an understanding. When I get back Jas has to buy me anything I want. Within reason, unfortunately.
Now to call my one and only, Masiiiiimo!
2:45pm
Excellent. There is no one in. I suppose it's not his fault that everybody else in world apart from me has something resembling a life, but still.
I want to talk to him sooo much! It's been years since I've spoken to another human being, yet alone someone half-sane.
It's probably best that there is nobody in. I would only make an absolute prat of myself on the phone.
3:00pm
God, I really want to talk to someone normal. How much longer before we get back to Merry England?
4:00pm
I got back to the tent to find Mutti and Vati sitting outside with a bottle of wine.
'How was the walk up the mountain?'
It turns out that they walked for half an hour before they had to return for health and safety reasons (i.e. portlyness in Vati's condition, and general nunga-ness for Mutti). To be absolutely honest they are an embarrassment to the English nation.
5:46pm
Oh God, I still have another two weeks of this. I want to kill myself.
5:56pm
I hope Angus and Gordy are alright without us. I do hope Grandvati has remembered to feed them. I do not want to get home to find them starved to death.
5:58pm
Yeah, right. More likely I'll get home to find that they've eaten the Prat Poodles.
All's well that ends well then…
Sunday 31st July
4:30pm
It rained all day yesterday and now we are practically living in a swamp. Joy de vivre and whatever, but I want to go home.
Wednesday 3rd August
12:15pm
In just over a week I will be home. That is all I need to remember. Just over a week.
Dammit, I want to go home now! I miss Masimo and all my lovely Ace Gang. I miss Angus and Gordy. I even miss Mr Next Door and his giganticus shorts.
I think I may be slightly ill. Bird flu, probably. I'll start sprouting feathers and then I can fly home. Although Masimo might not like his girlfriend to have feathers. Though he did used to like Owlie, so maybe feathers aren't so bad.
Oh nooo, if I turn into a bird I might end up like Lindsay. The lack of feathers was the only way anybody could tell she was human and not giant mutated bird.
I've really freaked myself out now. Stupid countryside.
Friday 5th August
AfternoonI phoned Jas again. She says that the Stiff Dylans have got a gig next Thursday, but I don't get back until next Saturday. How annoying is that?
4:23pm
Welsh bloke has gone and now we have some new neighbours. They arrived in a caravan thing that was the size of a small country. I think they may be German.
4:47pm
It turns out that they are Belgian. Well, I wasn't far off.
They are worryingly friendly. They've only been here half an hour and they've already shown us around their big fancy caravan and arranged to go into the village with us later.
5:46pm
I wonder why the Belgians are cooking stuff over a tiny gas fire outside, when they have a huge oven in their caravan. Apparently it's all part of 'getting back to nature'. To me it just seems like a way of making an otherwise simple task more complicated, but let them call it what they like.
Eight days left.
Saturday 6th August
Midnight
I have made some new besty mates in the form of the Belgian kids next door. I would be happy but to be honest I have enough 'mates' as it is, without some strange foreign ones as well. Also although one of the boys is my age, he sort of resembles a cross between Spotty Norman and Godzilla. And I mean that in a nice way.
Plus they have been following me around all day. I don't know how to escape from them. Tents do not offer a great deal of privacy.
Monday 8th August
3:15pm
I was so utterly bored with tent life that I allowed the Belgian kids to drag me to the village. Why is this place so utterly crap? There was nothing to do so I went to the Post Office and wrote a postcard to Angus and Gordy. I know they can't read, but it's the thought that counts.
3:30pm
I had just posted the card when Alex, the Belgian guy, said to me, 'This Angus, is he your boyfriend?'
Eeeeeew! He thinks I am going out with a cat! Erlack! What is wrong with these people? Maybe bestiality is part of society on the continent, but it sure as hell isn't here.
Actually I don't think Alex knew that Angus was a cat, but I couldn't be bothered to explain any of that to him, so I just nodded.
3:55pm
Eeew.
4:05pm
Note to self: NEVER go to Europe. Just in case.
6:45pm
Sitting in the tent listening to the rain outside. Mutti and Vati and Libbs have gone to the pub with the Belgians, but I pretended to have a headache and stayed in the tent. It seemed like a good idea but now I'm bored out of my mind. Tents are crap. There is nothing to do.
6:55pm
Still bored.
7:08pm
The Belgians didn't lock their caravan when they went out…
In the interests of being neighbourly and whatnot, perhaps I should check there are no burglars in their caravan.
That and Alex had one of those mini playstation things that lets you watch DVDs. I think it would help pass the time very nicely.
7:15pm
Although technically that is known as breaking and entering.
7:18pm
Actually, since they didn't bother to lock the door I'm not breaking any laws.
Maybe.
I don't know, I don't take Law.
7:25pm
In the caravan
Can't find the psp. Bugger.
7:30pm
Nosing through their stuff. Alex has a worrying amount of 'lad mags'.
7:32pm
Looking out the window. Even the curtains are all posh and fancy.
7:34pm
I've just seen an old man pulled over by his Labrador. Very funny.
7:35pm
Why is this place so crap?
7:37pm
Bored of snooping around. I think I will head back to the tent and go to bed.
8:56pm
It's raining now. It just gets better and better.
Tuesday 9th August
3:33pm
Still raining. It's like living in a swamp. I got covered in mud trekking to the shower block and back.
5:45pm
I was so desperate to get out of the rain that I went into the Belgians caravan and pretended to be sociable for a couple of hours. It kept me dry but now I am exhausted from having to be nice to people.
6:28pm
What I have to remember in times like these is that I will be home in a couple of days, then I am off to London to buy stuff for Hogwarts, and after that I have an entire year free from my family.
Wednesday 10th August
MiddayRaining, raining, raining.
Swamp swamp swamp.
2:55pm
Bored bored bored. Still raining, of course. Typical British weather.
Libby wanted to go outside earlier but I said, 'No, Libbs, it's raining cats and dogs out there.' Which was a stupid thing to say because she has spent the entire day watching for any falling wildlife. And hitting me with Mr Peg once in a while because she's been watching for three hours and hasn't seen anything.
4:15pm
It's so boring here. I'm going to have to trek to the campsite shop for some chocolate.
4:50pm
I made it to the campsite shop and I'm only covered in mud up to my knees, which is an improvement. And I found both a Dairy Milk and a Mars Bar.
Now for the long journey back.
6:35pm
It looks like thunder. How fantastic. I just know that the tent will be struck by lightning and will burn down. Probably with us all inside.
7:15pm
Vati told me not to worry about the tent being struck by lightning. He said a few flashes of light were nothing to be afraid of.
Then there was a huge clap of thunder and he jumped about five feet in the air and squealed like a little girl. Putting his head through the roof of the tent, I should add. And all the water that had been pooling up there came crashing in.
Of course he couldn't just leave it as that. He had to fall over with half the tent still round his neck, knocking down the entire tent and everything in it.
Why does this sort of stuff only ever happen to me?
7:30pm
Every single thing in the tent is completely covered in mud.
8:30pm
Vati did try to put the tent back up but it was beyond repair. On the plus side, we get to go home tomorrow because we have nowhere else to stay, but on the poo and merde side we have to spend the night in the Belgian peoples caravan. And it looks like I am stuck in these same clothes for the next ages, since everything else I own is covered in mud and isn't fit to clean sewers with, let alone wear.
10:30pm
I am lying between Libby and the weird Belgian boy. Libby is poking me in the cheek with Mr Peg and I am trying to avoid any contact at all with Alex.
If God is really up there, He must be laughing His head off at me.
11:15pm
I want to cry. I bet Jesus never had to do anything like this.
11:20pm
At least I will be able to go to the Stiff Dylans gig tomorrow. I will be able to see Masimo at last. Although what will I say to him? 'Ciao, Masimo, I wrote a postcard to my cats and I spent last night in the same bed as a Spotty Norman lookalikey and a tent peg. Oh yeah, and I was stalked by some Belgians who thought I was going out with a cat.'
I hate life.
Thursday 11th August10:30am
Oh thank God and sweet baby Jesus, we have left at last. I am so stupidly happy that I have been smiling uncontrollably for the last forty-five minutes.
Unfortunately I now have a million hours driving in a clown car with my family to look forward to.
3:30pm
Home sweet home sweet home! I threw myself through the front door and into the waiting claws of Angus and Gordy. I was so happy to see them I didn't even notice them sinking their teeth into my arm. Well, not until it was too late anyway.
3:36pm
I will phone Jas, my besty mate, and then I am going to have a shower and get ready for this gig thing.
3:44pm
'Hello?'
'Jazzy, c'est moi, ta grande amie!'
'Gee?'
'Yes, Jas, tis I!'
'Oh.'
'Jas, Jas, guess where I am!'
'On the phone?'
Oh Jesus Christ with bells on…
'Funnily enough I am, Jas. But guess where the phone is!'
'In a phone box?'
'Non, ma petite copain, c'est dans une maison!'
'Georgia, that's called breaking and entering.'
'No, Jazzy, because it is my house!'
'What?'
I explained all about the rain and Vati breaking the tent and the Belgains.
The gang are meeting at the clock tower at half past seven. I have only three and a half hours to get ready.
5:45pm
No time to give my hair bounceability, it will just have to go straight instead.
6:05pm
Why is everything in the wash?
6:45pm
In the end I settled for my black skirt, knee-length boots and red strappy top. I can't be bothered with boy entrancers, and besides, I am too jet-lagged to be able to put them on properly. I've applied multiple layers of mascara instead.
6:55pm
Half-inched Mum's black bag then went through the lippy/lip-gloss debate in my head. Decided to go for lip-gloss, since I haven't seen Masimo for three weeks and I fully expect there to be lots of snogging.
7:25pm
Met up with the gang, who were all rather surprised to see me. I told them my tale of tents and Belgians and at the end they nodded wisely. I have no idea why.
8:15pm
The place was packed when we arrived. We found Dave the Laugh and the rest of the Foxwood lads, then I went looking for Masimo. One of the lads pointed me in the general direction of the dressing room.
8:20pm
A quick trip to the tart's wardrobe to check my make-up. I was so nervy about seeing Masimo again that I could barely apply mascara. In the end I asked Jas to apply it for me, but then she got shaky hands too. In the end we both ended up laughing too much, and I decided to leave the mascara for now.
8:25pm
I am stupidly excited about seeing him. I need to calm down so that I don't act like a complete and utter twat.
8:31pm
Here goes nothing. I opened the dressing room door...
8:31pm and two seconds
And burst into tears.
He was in there alright.
With her.
8:32pm
Masimo said something but I slammed the door and ran out to the Ace Gang. I could hardly see because my eyes were all full of tears but I heard Jas say 'Gee, what's wrong?'
I mumbled something along the lines of 'Masimo…dressing room… Wet Lindsay… number eight…'. Then Dave came over and put his arms around me and I started blubbing into his shoulder.
8:35pm
I was still crying into Dave's shoulder when Masimo came over and tried to talk to me. 'Tried' being the operative word. He said, 'Georgia, I am so sorry' and then I pulled myself away from Dave and turned around. He tried to apologise but I ran away before I burst into tears again. I went outside to the bus stop and all the Ace Gang followed me out. Masimo grabbed my arm and told me that Lindsay didn't mean anything to him, and then I screamed at him to leave me alone.
Then the most amazing and surprising thing happened! Robbie came over (which was shocking in itself since I had no idea he was at the gig) and he pulled Masimo off me and punched him straight in the face!
10:35pm
The bus arrived straight after that and me and Jas and the Ace Gang all got on it. Jas is even letting me sleep over at hers tonight. She's off making milky pops right now.
10:38pm
I hate him.
How could he do that to me?
10:46pm
Does this mean that he was with her all the time we were supposedly going out?
I want to kill myself.
10:48pm
Kill him more like.
10:55pm
You know who I hate even more than Masimo? Wet Lindsay. How could she do that?
I hate them both.
11:04pm
Jas came in and caught me crying. For once she actually acted like an almost good friend, which only made me cry harder.
12:45am
Jas is asleep. It's alright for her. She hasn't had her heart ruthlessly broken by some stupid Italian git and his sad slime of a girlfriend.
Too bad that he now has a broken nose.
12:50am
Serves him bloody well right.
It was nice of Robbie to punch him like that for me.
1:15am
Why is life so unbelievably crap?
Authors note: Yet another chapter that I have taken a disliking to. Never mind. I will try and post the next one soonish.
If I get ten billion reviews I will update by Friday. Otherwise it'll be the usual ten year wait.
You should all tell me whether you want them splitting up at Hogwarts, house-wise. Otherwise I may end up shoving them all in Hufflepuff. Also, let me know if there are any words you want shoving in a glossary thingy at the very end of the story.
FOR THE FRENCH AMONGST YOU: For my French AS level, I have to write a ten minute speech on French music, which I know very little about. If anybody has any information about bands, singers, gig venues, festivals, record labels, music magazines and programs, I would be so very grateful. Just point me in the general direction of some useful websites or something. Please.
OH YEAH, HAPPY CHRISTMAS!
And in case I don't update for a while:
HAPPY NEW YEAR N'ALL!!!
