Mister Stu

The crossover award goes to Gryffens this round.

Oh, and yes, I forgot to put a disclaimer the first chapter. For those of you under the impression I'm a middle aged woman living in England… close, really close.

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Ron and Luna took their places at the announcer's booth... and saw that they weren't alone there.

"Whoa... hello," Ron said, trying to be suave. The reason was clear: the strange visitor was a rather comely 23 year old woman wearing a tank top and shorts.

"Hello," she said, smiling widely. "I'm Deux N. Tandra."

"Deux is such a beautiful name," Ron said, easily whipping out the same line as he used on Periwinkle - and just as easily forgetting that Hermione sitting not twenty feet away from him.

"Are you a Sue?" Luna asked as Ron sat down next to Miss Tandra, obviously picking that seat on purpose since he was sitting at the very edge of his chair so that their legs were up against each other.

"No," Deux replied, smiling.

"So, tell us about yourself," Ron asked eagerly.

"Well, I graduated CAL Tech on a Kung Fu scholarship with a double major in Organic Chemical Engineering and Advanced Cryptology. I interned in the CIA and FBI before taking a scientific liaison position between the NSA and MI6. So, no, I'm not a sue."

This, of course, made no sense to either Luna or Ron. It, however, didn't keep Ron from saying, "Wow..." in a thoroughly awed voice.

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"I am going to kill him," Hermione vented in her seat. However, she saw that she didn't have a very attentive audience. "Hey, you two, stop snogging!"

"Sorry," Harry said, coming up for air. "What were you saying?"

"I'm going to kill Ron!"

"That's nice," Ginny replied, apparently not caring that her best friend was going to kill her brother.

"Why?" Harry asked.

"Look!"

Harry followed Hermione's pointing towards the announcer booth and saw what she was talking about.

"Ah! I know who that is!"

"Who?"

"It's... well, I don't know her real name, but... she's a bond chick!"

"Bond chick? Is that a really nasty way of referring to a female banker?"

"No, no. There's this muggle movie, well a series of movies, about this spy. And each movie always has a 'Bond Chick' - a sort of love interest."

"Ah," Hermione said, suddenly understanding. Then she realized that, no, she didn't understand. "What? What is a 'bond chick' doing here?"

"I have no idea," Harry replied, shrugging. "I didn't even know they existed for real, and haven't the faintest clue how one got to Hogwarts."

Ginny frowned. "What's with the glasses?"

"Ah..." Harry smiled. "Well, you see, she's probably one of the nerdy bond chicks."

This struck Hermione the wrong way. Why couldn't the nerds of her universe be stunningly beautiful, with only a pair of cosmetically chosen glasses to indicate their intellectual brawn? Why did she have to have tangled hair, buck teeth, and a body that even Ron have never drooled over?

"But who's that?" Ginny asked, pointing.

Harry looked up again and saw a rotund man wearing a black suit entering the announcer's booth, a greyish-green iguana on his arm. "That's not good..."

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"Ah, Miss Tandra. We meet again."

Deux didn't turn around, feeling cold metal pressed against the small of her back. "Ivanov Dimitriovichovsky Petrov," she spat.

Ron didn't even notice anything odd going on, and was merely hoping the new man wasn't an ex-boyfriend - or worse, a current boyfriend. Luna, however, did notice the gun digging into Deux's back, and immediately jumped to the logical conclusion that the woman was a robotic automaton in the process of being refilled (or perhaps even being emptied - she couldn't recall the exact specifics of the Quibbler article talking about evil robotic automaton maintenance.)

"Perhaps we should start with the games," Petrov said in a thick Russian-accented voice, his iguana flicking its tongue lazily.

"Agreed," Ron said, smiling. He turned on the microphone and said, "Welcome to the Gary Stu competition! Our first competition is the flying contest! And, our first flier is none other than... Sirius Black!"

Sirius stepped onto the field, holding his decrepit broomstick. Granted, it was disguised as a sleek looking broomstick with the lettering 'The Flameshaft of Raudaen' - a name he made up from scratch. But underneath it was actually just an older comet model.

"Sirius Black, please begin," came a booming voice.

Sirius couldn't believe he was in this competition at all, but was more amazed by the strategy Remus had instructed him on. Deciding there was nothing better to do, Sirius decided to follow it. Namely, he did nothing.

"Sirius Black, please begin."

He crossed his arms, standing as tall as he could.

The crowd began to murmur, obviously wondering why he wasn't performing in the contest.

"Why isn't he doing anything?"

"Didn't he know to start?"

"How could he not? The announcement was really loud."

"Then why is he just standing there?"

"I don't know... it's very mysterious."

"I've always liked mysterious men..."

Ron, however, was just baffled. "And... that's the time limit. Thank you, Sirius Black."

"Bulechov!" Petrov said, swearing in made up Russian words. "He is a wily one... no matter, the next contestant will not fare so well!"

Luna looked at the man, clearly wondering why he said that. The reason, however, became clear when the next contestant - Larry Loo - lifted off from the field. Four silverish robotic devices the size of a breadbox, which had been sitting at the four corners of the pitch, sensed the movement and came to life, whizzing through the air.

"What's this..." Ron announced through the microphone. "Apparently some... things... are going to give Larry a challenge."

"Call them fiendish devices," Luna whispered as a suggestion. "Makes it sound more dramatic."

Larry swooped through the air, using his incredible flying skills, but the gizmos kept after him, clearing trying to corner him up against the quidditch hoops. Finally, one of them dove from behind him, a large protrusion coming from the robot's shell, which emitted a large lightning bolt of electricity.

"AGH!" Larry screamed and took evasive action.

"YES!" screamed McGonagall at the top of her lungs, clearly happy at the recent development. "Get him! Get him!"

Larry managed to evade four of the bolts, but two of the devices shot simultaneously and one caught Larry on the leg.

"And... he's going down!" Ron said, watching Larry spiral down towards the ground.

"I hope he's ok," Luna said in a bored voice, not even watching as Larry managed to topple to the ground in at least a semi-controlled manner, unfortunately meaning that he would probably survive into the next round.

"Next up," Ron called out, "Is Garith Chu!"

The crowd cheered, but one got the definite impression they were doing so not out of encouragement for the Stu, but encouragement for the four robots.

"So, Tandra," the evil villain said in a soft whisper, "How should I destroy the next player? I'll let you and your exquisite mind decide."

"I hope you burn in hades," Deux spat.

"Ah, burning. A most excellent idea."

Garith took off, eyeing the four flying devices warily. Oddly enough, they were almost toying with him - they hadn't shot a single bolt his way, but were purposely moving so that he had to dodge and weave crazily all over the field. Garith had the sudden idea - quite rightly - that they were merely toying with his life.

Finally, the four shot long spurts of fire, forming a rectangle that Garith had no choice but to fly through, toasting him (and his robes) the slightest bit. Every ten seconds or so, the process would repeat, the rectangle narrowing until Garith was hugging the broom tightly lest he burn alive.

The flying robots lined up one final time and Garith readied himself. However, instead of fire, each of the four launched a large bucket's worth of water his way.

"Agh!" Garith was taken completely by surprise, clearly expecting another bout of flames, and the water hit him straight on and knocked him clean off the broomstick.

"You monster, Petrov!" Deux breathed.

"We're all monsters," Petrov replied in his usual way of trying to say something profound that didn't make much sense. "The only difference is that I don't deny it."

"Er, Petrov?" Luna asked. "I don't suppose you could have the robots clip the twigs of the next Stu's broom one at a time?"

Petrov looked at Luna with a proud expression on his face. "Of course, little girl, that's an excellent idea."

"Luna!" Ron whispered to her. "What are you doing?"

"I think it'd be fun to watch."

"But... it's dangerous!"

Luna shrugged, pointing to Garith on the ground, twitching from a rather painful fall. The message was obvious: the man didn't need her help to be dangerous.

"Fair enough," Ron said, shrugging. "And the next contestant is... Gerard Schuman!"

Gerard was actually shaking the slightest bit, prompting a few jeers from the crowd. Still, he was a Stu, and thus was capable of planning out far-reaching strategies and brilliant tactics to defeat almost any situation. So, his basic plan was rather simple. He would take off and fly as high as possible, doing his best to avoid whatever those blasted automatons sent his way. The goal was to get up into the clouds, which he would then leap from the broomstick, use his animagus abilities to turn into a pheasant, fly to the ground, and finally reform to a (hopefully) applauding crowd.

As soon as he jumped on the broomstick, he rocketed straight up into the air. The four metalic devices followed, and Gerard soon saw them trying to clip off twigs from the tail. Little by little, the broomstick lost power as each bit of wood was trimmed away, until after half of them were clipped off and the broom was barely able to inch upward.

"Come on..." Gerard said, eyeing the misty clouds just a few feet away.

Snip

The broomstick trembled, and actually fell an inch. Gerard, if he had been anything less than the full Stu that he was, would probably panic. Instead, he climbed up the shaft of the broomstick, his foot on the tip, and jumped as high as he could. At the height of the jump, he morphed into his animagus form, hoping he was within the clouds and wouldn't be seen by the robots.

Fortunately, he was.

Unfortunately, his whole plan relied on the robots thinking, Wow, suddenly the person vanished and all that's here now is a simple pheasant. We sure lost him, didn't we?

Garith's avian eyes widened comically as one of the robots shot a bolt of electricity at him.

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"Any idea what's going on up there?" Flitwick asked, squinting at the sky.

"Nope," McGonagall said in a bored voice. "But I hope they finish quick, I want to get this over with."

Zap

"Did you hear that?"

ZAP

Both of them heard it this time, and saw where it was coming from. A shrieking and wildly spasming bird in the sky was getting put through the wringer. On the fourth direct bolt to its rear end, Birdy-Stu gave out one pathetic squawk and fell from the sky, oddly enough landing on McGonagall's lap.

McGonagall looked like she had a moment of indecisiveness, unsure what she was supposed to do. After several seconds, she motioned for one of the robots to fly down to her. The crowd leaned forward in anticipation, wondering what McGonagall was going to do to address this most recent event, how she would no doubt reprimand the robot for killing off one of the contestants, no matter how she personally felt about them. Finally, she spoke.

"Medium-well, please."

The gizmo extended an arm, picked up the ex-Stu, and toasted it with a liberal application of flame while McGonagall conjured up a plate and some silverware.

"Ok, that was unusual," Ron said, trying to decide how to feel about what just happened.

"Mwuhahaha!"

"That's a formidable evil laugh, Mr. Petrov," Luna said in a thoroughly objective way.

Duex looked at Luna like she was insane - in other words, like most of the Hogwarts residents did.

"Why, thank you my dear," Petrov said, stroking his iguana.

"And," Ron announced, trying to distract any of the sick-minded readers from dwelling on that last sentance, "Our last contestant is Jerry Stewart!"

Jerry Stewart didn't seem to know what to do; the act of watching one of his kin being roasted and eaten by the headmistress obviously took his toll on him. After a few seconds, he stood as proud as possible, trying to imitate what Sirius had done at the start of the contest. The crowd, however, was definitely not buying it.

"You wimp!"

"When Sirius did it, he was being mysterious! You're just scared, you nancy-haired poppinfresh!" Ginny screamed loudly.

"Whoa, Ginny, calm down," Harry said, a bit alarmed.

Ginny didn't hear him and screamed, "You're pathetic, you... you Poulet Jaune!"

When Ginny sat back down, Harry asked in a slightly frightened voice, "When did you learn French, Ginny?"

McGonagall looked at the scene in satisfaction, before walking over to the announcers booth and speaking into the microphone. "That is the end for today's contest, everyone return to the castle. And I'd like to give a special thanks to Ivanov Dimitriovichovsky Petrov!"

Petrov blushed and bowed, completely unused to being so universally appreciated (well, the Stus were glaring at him, but nobody really noticed.)

"Everone meet back here after lunch, and we will continue on to the second round. Thank you."

"Who's that?" Hermione asked, pointing down onto the pitch.

"Who's who?" Harry asked back. The pitch was half full of students walking back to the castle - how was he supposed to know who she was talking about?

"White robe, far left, where Larry Loo landed."

Harry looked where she described, and indeed, there was what looked like a sixth year girl. However, instead of the black Hogwarts robes, she was wearing pure white ones, and was bending over the fallen Stu. A few seconds later, she stood back up and fled.

"He's... he's healed," Hermione said, amazed. Sure enough, Larry was up and walking within a few seconds.

"Mary Sue," Harry whispered, eyes narrowing. "Don't worry, McGonagall will get her."

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Alright - great suggestions so far for crossovers - keep 'em coming! Also, although the next chapter or two probably won't have more than a few characters added in, the later chapters things are going to get hectic... ;-)