Disclaimer: As previous. Right as promised the next chapter, not as quick as I'd planned and a bit shorter than normal, I'm afraid. I'm trying to balance writing and real life at the moment, the muses came up with a new story on Tuesday that is just flowing onto the page but its currently eating into all my none work hours thus taking attention away from Guilt and OJNC, which I'd hoped to finish in the next week. So that and clothes to make to go on holiday, work and other work are kind of eating up my time so please be patient. Thanks for all your reviews.
'Mayday' he stopped as he saw her glare at him.
'I hate that name, don't call me that' she was sitting on Greg's couch staring at the television set.
'Sorry, look you know you can talk to me if you want to, don't you?' he handed her a mug of tea.
'What about?' she fiddled with a strand of her chocolaty brown hair.
'Anything, whatever's going on with you?'
'God, why can't you all leave me alone? You, Abby, Greg, psych, all you want me to do is talk' she pushed the tea away, stood and started to pace the room.
'Neela, we care about you, we want to help you get better, you need to let us help you, and we can only do that if you tell us what's wrong'
'How can you be like this, being nice, to me. Sarah's mother is dead because of me, how can you forgive that?'
'Bullshit Neela, you know that if anyone's to blame for Meg's death it's me, I should have been honest with both of you from the start, but I wanted everything and by the time I realised what I really wanted, it was too late. You can't blame yourself for all this'
'What can you do?' she turned and looked at him heatedly 'you can't give Ray his legs back, you can't bring Michael back, you can't make any of my screw ups better'
'Why do you insist that these things are your fault? They were both accidents'
'Maybe' she stopped in front of the bookcase and started to pull books out, rearranging them 'maybe Michael knew I didn't love him enough, and that's why he got himself killed. Maybe he knew that I had feelings for someone else, maybe he worked out what a terrible wife I was and he realised that he didn't have anything to come home for'
He took the book that she was trying to squeeze into a non-existent spot from her, pulled her to her feet, and guided her back to the couch, crouching in front of her.
'Neela, Michael was killed by a bomb, it wasn't his choice not to come back, and it wasn't your fault. Why do you think you were a terrible wife?'
'Because, because' she wringed her hands together 'I married Michael when I was already falling in love with someone else, because I didn't want to leave our apartment to set up a home with him, because he wasn't who I wanted to come home to at night'
Tony looked at her, he wasn't sure he was the person she should be having this conversation with but he tried to gauge the right words to continue with 'Why did you marry him if you were in love with someone else? This is about Barnett isn't it?'
She stared at her left hand 'because I thought it would never work with Ray, we were too different. I wasn't good enough for him, I thought it would have lasted for a few weeks, and then he'd have found someone else, someone beautiful and gorgeous and sexy, someone far more fitting for him'
He raised a hand to stroke her cheek 'Mayday, can't you see that you're all those things and you're intelligent and sarcastic, you were far too good for me and for Barnett'
It was like she hadn't heard him, she transferred her gaze to her right hand 'I guess I was wrong, he was always there for me when I needed him, even when I pushed him away, when I wouldn't end it with you, he never gave up on me' she raised her eyes to his, 'Now he won't even let me talk to him' and the tears he could see overflowed.
'Can we grab a coffee?' Greg stopped Katey at the admit desk.
'Yeah, why not?' They walked out to the coffee stand 'you know I can't discuss what we say in her sessions, don't you? A skinny latte, please'
'A latte for me, I know, I just wondered how you thought she was doing generally?' he paid for the two coffees.
'It's slow, she's holding onto a lot of pain, but I think we're getting there' she took a sip of her drink.
'That's my impression too, it's strange she seems far more vulnerable than I ever remember, more so than she was when Mike died' they paused beside a wall.
'I don't think it's a new thing, a lot of it stems from then, she just doesn't have the strength to hide it anymore'
He closed his eyes, leaning his head against the building 'I hear her crying at night but she won't let me comfort her'
'I told you it would be hard'
'Yeah, I realise that. It's just I never thought I'd find myself wishing that I'd done things differently'
'What do you mean? About taking care of her?'
'No, yes, maybe, I don't know. Over the last few years, about Mike, about Ray, if I'd said or done something differently things could be so different'
'Yeah, I know' she whispered wistfully.
'If I'd not told Ray to give her space when Mike died, that was so stupid, she needed his support, she'd already lost Mike, she didn't need to lose him too'
She turned away, hoping to hide the tears that were gliding down her cheeks.
'Hey, what's wrong?' He reached out to touch her arm.
'I… feel the same' she swiped a couple of the tears away.
'What do you mean?'
'After his accident, when she came to the hospital, I told her that she had to accept that it was all her fault, I basically told her that she was to blame for his accident'
'Ouch, you don't mince your words, do you?' He ran a hand across his face 'Did you mean it?'
'At the time, yes, I guess, but I was angry, I hated that he was so hung up on her that he got himself into that mess. I was in love with him, and seeing the power she held over him, it just made me so frustrated, Greg'
'What I don't get is that he basically treated you like shit for months yet you ended up fighting his battles for him'
'I know, I know, I had this conversation with Tony a while ago, I don't know why, it was like he had the same power over me that she had over him. I wanted him to love me and I would have done anything to get that'
'What about now?'
'What do you mean? How do I feel about Ray? Or Neela? He's one of my closest friends, I talk to him most weeks, but after his accident he was in no place to build a relationship even if he'd wanted too, and I realised that we were better off as friends'
'What about Neela? Are you impartial enough to treat her?'
'Yes, of course I am, don't doubt my professionalism. I wish things were different, I remember when I first met her; I thought we could be friends, but my jealousy got in the way of that. I don't know if it's possible but I'd like to get back to that. Perhaps too much has been said and felt for that to happen, I don't know'
