Disclaimer: I don't own ER. You can thank my work for two days on a train and a night in a hotel for this spate of updates from me, I'm hoping to have OJNC finished by Monday, and this is hopefully going to move at a fair pace over the next few days. Please review.
know that I'm sorry that I've not been here for you since Joe was born, don't you?' They were at a nearby park, and Abby was pushing Joe on one of the swings while Neela sat on another.
'It's not your fault, he's needed your attention, and I'm an adult I should be able to take care of myself'
'I know but you're one of my closest friends and I feel like I've abandoned you. But you know that I'm here and you can talk to me, don't you?'
'Yeah, but what's the point? You can't change anything that's happened' she made a face at Joe and he laughed back at her. Being with Joe was one of the few times she smiled these days.
'You know talking can help, if you talk to us we might be able to help you' Joe was starting to get fractious in the swing so she lifted him out and he ran over the slide with them both following.
'But you can't help, can you? I'm bad luck, if I was you I wouldn't let me anywhere near Joe, you never now what might happen to him with me around' Abby stopped her, a hand on her arm.
'Don't talk nonsense, you're not bad luck, you've just had a bad time of it, nothing that's happened has been your fault'
'How can you say that? Michael died and Ray was hurt because of me. I lost both of them and it was entirely my fault' her eyes started to glisten with unshed tears as she pulled away.
'Neela, you need to realise that you're not to blame, what happened to Michael was an act of war, Ray was hit by a truck, you weren't responsible for either of those things' she followed her over to the slide where Joe was climbing the steps. She smiled at his ecstatic face as he slid back down.
'But if Michael hadn't realised I was falling for Ray he wouldn't have gone back' she caught Joe at the bottom and lifted him off, and he ran back round to the steps.
'How do you know that he thought that?'
Neela was still crouching down at the bottom of the slide, she looked up at Abby 'why else would have left me?'
'When did you realise that you were falling for Ray'
She briefly closed her eyes 'After Michael left, I had a conference with Lucien, we were sitting in the bar afterwards and I realised that wasn't where I wanted to be, I wanted to be with Ray'
'Sweetie, I don't think that was why Michael left, you weren't even aware of it then, so I don't think he could have been. I think he went back because he felt it was his duty'
'But what about his duty to me? I was his wife'
'I don't know, I don't think I'll ever properly understand why he left you. Somehow I think he might have thought that if anything happened to him Ray would look after you, I think that he knew there'd always be someone there for you even if he wasn't'
'But he must have known how I felt then' she was searching for answers that Abby didn't have.
'I don't think so. He knew how strong your friendship had become and he knew that Ray would be there for you no matter what, I don't think he thought it was anything more than friendship though'
Neela buried her face in her hands, her voice muffled 'Even if that's the case, I could have prevented Ray from getting hurt if I'd told him how I really felt, instead of continually leading him on and pushing away, he wouldn't have been hit'
Joe ran over and wrapped his arms around Neela 'Neela no cry' he shook his head adamantly; she looked up at him and smiled weakly.
'You can't think like that, you felt it was too soon to be with Ray after Michael died, you were feeling guilty about your feelings, that's all perfectly understandable'
'Yes, but I messed him around, I knew how he felt but I kept asking for more time'
She stood up, and they walked over to a bench and sat down.
'But you said that you'd started to tell him how you felt when Hope interrupted you, that you were ready to move on with him. How could his accident be your fault?'
Tears were slowly trickling down her cheeks 'Because I didn't go after him after the fight, I rang him and left a message and he was checking that when he got hit'
Abby put an arm around her and pulled her close 'It was terrible timing, I give you that, but it still doesn't mean it was your fault. He was drunk, from what I heard he could hardly stand when he left the wedding'
A sob tore itself from Neela's mouth 'I don't know what happened, when we talked and while you guys were dancing he seemed to happy and then he was drinking like his life depended on it and starting a fight with Tony, it was so unlike him'
'I really don't know, I think the only person who does know is him'
She pulled away and turned to face Abby, wiping the tears dry 'I've tried to call him you know '176 times to be precise 'but he won't talk to me, his mother lies for him or he hangs up, he won't let me apologise or ask for his forgiveness, its like he can't bear to hear my voice'
'Neela…'
'No Abby, he won't forgive me. Why should he, it's my fault, I messed him around, I kept him hanging on. You know he told me he trusted me, he fought for me, he waited for me, he even… he even fell in love with me. What did I do for him? I felt so guilty about Michael, I couldn't let myself love him like I did because my feelings for him were so tied up with Michael'
Abby shook her head despairingly, how could he tell her that he'd waited for her when he'd been sleeping with Katey? It made no sense. 'None of that means that you caused his accident, it was a matter of wrong place, wrong time, an accident. He's got a lot of adjusting to do, he'll come round, he'll realise that, you've just got to give him time'
'How can I expect him to forgive me when I can't forgive myself?' It was a conversation she'd had many times over the previous weeks, and it always came down to this, she couldn't forgive herself.
'How are you feeling today?' They were sitting in the stark white psych office, in two easy chairs.
It was a hard question to answer, physically she was fine, mentally she wasn't so sure 'Not too bad'
'You're still taking your meds?' All their sessions started the same way.
'Yeah, I think they're beginning to help a bit'
'That's good, as you know it takes a while for them to kick in. I think we should continue where we left off last week, if that's okay with you?'
Last week. Michael. She nodded in agreement.
Katey referred to her notes 'You said that you began to question how well you knew Michael when he decided to go back to Iraq, in what way?'
'I felt that I should have realised he was considering it, it shouldn't have come as such a shock to me, if it had been R…' she trailed off.
'If it had been what?'
Neela closed her eyes and sighed 'If it had been Ray I would have realised that something was wrong much sooner, but I didn't have that insight with Michael'
'Why do you think that was?' It was always like this, Katey making her examine her thoughts and feelings and the decisions she'd made.
'I don't think I knew Michael well enough, I couldn't tell how he was feeling. Perhaps… I think we got married to quickly, I should have spent more time getting to know him, that way I would have been able to see the signs'
'Do you think that would have made a difference? Would you feel any different now if you hadn't married him?'
'I don't know. I think I might have understood why he went back better if I'd spent more time getting to know him. And… I'd have still felt that I was betraying him when I realised I was falling for Ray, I don't know somehow I think it wouldn't have been so bad because I wouldn't have made a life long commitment to him that I was breaking'
'Was it the idea of breaking that commitment that distressed you the most?'
'Um, yeah, I guess. I mean, it was more the thought that if I could have these feelings for Ray perhaps my feelings for Michael weren't as strong as I thought. And then when he died I felt that it was because I was questioning how much I loved him'
'Were you in love with him?' She briefly checked her watch, 20 minutes to go.
'When I married him I thought I was, but after he left I started to question it. I loved him, don't get me wrong, but I don't think I was in love with him. He didn't make my heart race the way…' Discussing her feelings for Ray with Katey always made her feel very uncomfortable.
'The way Ray did?' Katey had to close her mind to the fact that the Ray they were talking about had been her boyfriend.
Neela felt the colour rise on her cheeks 'Yeah, the way Ray did. If I'd experienced that before I would never have married Michael. I think…' the tears started to well in her eyes 'I think I loved him like a very good friend, but not the way a husband should be loved'
'You've said before that you think Michael knew that and that's why he went back to Iraq, do you really believe that?'
'No, I've been thinking about it and he was a soldier, that was what he did. I knew that when I first met him. He visited his friends that were hurt out there a lot, and I think he felt a sense of duty to them, and to the ones that were killed out there, and that he knew that he would feel guilty if he didn't go back'
'How do you feel about that?'
'It's hard for me, I've never agreed with the war in Iraq, so trying to understand why he would want to go back and fight in a war I don't believe in his hard, but he was brought up in the army, its what he knew and I guess I can't really question that. It does make me question whether he loved me enough though. It still seems strange that he would marry me and then leave me to go back there a month later'
'Do you think he thought of it as leaving you, or just like he was going back to work, like you came back to County after your wedding?'
'I don't think he was ending our marriage if that's what you mean. You're probably right, he thought of it as going back to work, I just wish his work hadn't been on the other side of the world, in a war zone'
Katey glanced at her watch 'that's our time up I'm afraid. You know, this weeks been good, you've made a lot of progress, accepting that you're not to blame for Michael's death is a big step forward, there's a long way to go though and it's not going to be easy'
She smiled shyly 'Yeah I know, I'll see you next week'
