Mister Stu

Chapter 4: Yoda Ahoy!

If there was any doubt after the chapter name, the Crossover awards go to Bohemian Rhapsody for the pirate-genre idea, and both Give Em Enough Rope and Slytherin Love Goddess for the Star Wars/Yoda idea.

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DUHN!

Harry jerked awake to the sound of a loud electric guitar chord-hit.

DUHN! DUHN! DUHN!

"What the...?"

DUHN! DUHN! DUHN!

Harry rubbed his eyes, and looked at the alarm clock. 3 AM!

DUHN! DUHN! DUHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

"What is that?" Dean whined.

"Eye of the Tiger," Seamus groaned.

Harry realized that Seamus was right, and sure enough a rock beat started while the electric guitar played loud chord hits.

"Someone watching Rocky?" Seamus asked Harry.

"Where's Ron?" Dean asked, looking at Weasley's empty bed.

"Wish I could sleep through this," Seamus said, looking at Neville softly snoring away.

Harry lead the three of them down into the commons, which was now actually becoming crowded; Pajama clad Gryffindors lined the edges of the room, all watching the person in the center of the room with a massive amount of scorn.

"Ron?" Harry asked, not believing what he was seeing. There Ron was, playing chess on the coffee table, with the loud Rocky training music playing in the background.

"Bishop to E5... Eye of the Tiger... Pawn takes knight B6... Eye of the Tiger... Eye of the Tiger..."

"Ron, you need to stop now," Harry said. "If you wake Hermione, she's going to come down here and..."

"... kill you," Hermione finished, glaring through sleepiness at her boyfriend, though the look on her face said that it might soon be ex-boyfriend.

Ron didn't bother answering them, and merely pointed at the wall where a sheaf of parchment was pinned.

Notice to Students:

Curfew has been suspended indefinitely,

as have quiet-hours within the commons.

Anyone complaining about this new policy

will be subject to a warning, and detentions

on subsequent infractions.

- Professor on Retainer Frederick Von Veasley

- Professor on Retainer George Von Veasley

Harry read the note aloud, each face in the commons growing dour. Finally, they all looked at Hermione. The unspoken thought echoed through the room: she was his boyfriend, so she should be the one to fix it.

She angrily snorted, but walked up to Ron. "Come on, let's go back up to my room."

"Not now," Ron replied. "I'm training."

Hermione rolled her eyes, and whispered a bit into Ron's ear.

"Really?"

Hermione nodded.

Ron looked one last time at the chess set, and followed Hermione upstairs. The commons let out a collective sigh of relief.

"Mmmmmmm... Harry, do you want to come up to my room?" Ginny asked, sneaking up behind him and wrapping her arms around him.

"Ehnn, not tonight," Harry replied.

"Mmmm, come on, Harry, I know you want..."

Harry jumped a bit as Ginny became rather forward with her hands, and said, "Er, no, I... I have a headache."

Ginny let out a frustrated sound, and went back up to her room.

"Something wrong, Harry?" Dean asked, watching what had just happened. "I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but Ginny just asked you..."

"I know, Dean," Harry sighed. "Hard to explain."

-----------------

"It's... this isn't right. This is a lot bigger than the one we dug up from the ground."

"No, it's the same orb," the commandant answered. "It's simply grown." He looked around, seeing that if it grew much bigger, it wouldn't be able to be kept secret much longer. "We need to move this thing someplace more secure."

"The dungeons?" one asked.

"Good idea."

They carried the orb, now large enough that a single person would struggle to handle its bulk, in through the main castle doors and down the main staircase into the dungeons.

"Agh!" one shouted, nearly dropping the sphere. The reason was clear - for a split second, the artifact flashed an extremely bright orange, almost as if it'd turned into a small model of the sun.

"Careful!" the commandant remonstrated.

"Can I help you?"

"And who are you?" the commandant replied back, not even looking over at the new guest.

"Draco Malfoy."

"Yes, Draco, we're looking for a place to hide out the next few days."

"Slytherin commons," Draco replied back. "You'll be safe there."

The commandant nodded, prompting one of the soldiers to say, "Oh, come on! Someone has to have figured what's going on by now!"

The sphere pulsed again, flashing bright orange.

-------------------

"Is that... we didn't invite Durmstrang, did we?" Ron asked as he took his seat in the announcer's booth.

"What? Why?"

"Isn't that Durmstrang's boat?"

Luna and McGonagall looked to where Ron was pointing. Sure enough, a ship was sailing along the Great Lake towards the castle, but there were obvious differences between it and the vessel that arrived 3 years earlier, the largest being that the main sail was black and had a skull and crossbones on it.

"Well I'll be," McGonagall said, watching as the boat cast anchor and a horde of pirates disembarked, many carrying barrels or large sacks - obviously intending to resupply their ship. A few minutes later, a rather formidable man walked up the stands to face them while the crew briskly walked to the castle; he wore a rather flamboyant black outfit with a ruffled bloodred shirt, and his right eye was covered in a black eye patch, and he had a rather... interesting creature on his shoulder.

"That is the ugliest parrot I've ever seen," Ron blurted out.

"Not a parrot am I."

"Ok, that's the ugliest talking parrot I've ever seen."

"I think he's cute," Luna said. "What's your name?"

"Yoda, my name is," the furry green creature said, before hopping off the pirate's shoulder onto Luna's lap.

"Problems with grammer, you have," Ron said sarcastically, his eyes rolling at the sight of Luna petting the top of Yoda's head.

McGonagall, however, wasn't bothering watching the three of them, and was still looking at the pirate. "What brings you here?" she asked.

"Shore leave. We've been plundering for three months now with no port."

"Ah, well, you're welcome here. In fact, if you want to watch, we've got a bit of a competition going on..."

"ARGH!"

The two turned to see Lee Jordan, Seamus Finnigan, and Dean Thomas grinning wildly from the stairs leading into the announcer's box.

"Is there something you need?" McGonagall asked primly.

"Yarrrgh, the sea hag speaks! Yarrrggghhh!" Dean replied.

McGonagall blinked. It wasn't too often the students called her a sea-hag, after all.

"Avast, mateys!" Seamus called out.

"Thar she blows!" Lee agreed racously. "Shiver me timbers!"

"Your timbers be shivered?" Yoda asked.

"Um, what are you three doing?" the pirate asked the three boys.

"Oh, ignore them," McGonagall said darkly. "They think they're talking like pirates. They're really just bound for detention."

"Yargh!" Dean called out, squinting comically with one eye before leading the trio of mock pirates back down to their seats.

Ron was busy trying to ignore everything around him, and loudly said through the announcer's microphone, "Welcome to the third round of the contest. Today's challenge is the Breakdown Competition. Luna?"

Luna took her eyes off the hairy green creature she was petting and observantly said, "Huh?"

"What's the Breakdown Competition?"

"Ah," Luna said, and shifted a bit in her seat. "Well, at some point in every Gary-Stu's life, they hit a breakdown moment and confide about all the emotions that have been roiling around within them to their love interest."

"They have emotions roiling around within them?" Ron asked, an eyebrow raised.

"Yes, they're not just unkempt badboys," Luna replied, "They're also sensative. Our first contestant is Garith Chu! Oh, and Ginny Weasley has volunteered to help with this task."

Ginny and Garith walked onto the pitch from opposite sides, stopping when they were a few feet away from each other. Garith had a troubled look on his face, obviously struggling to keep things together.

"Garith, what's wrong?"

"I... Ginny..." Garith said, theatrically not coming up with any words.

"Garith, please, you can tell me."

"It's... Ginny, I can't." It was clear that Garith was seconds away from either an emotional breakdown or a psychological crackup.

Ginny wrapped an arm around him, cradling him to her, letting him burrow his face into her shoulder. "It's ok, Garith... it's ok..."

"I'm sorry," Garith said, now beginning to sob into her robes.

"Don't apologize," Ginny replied, running a hand calmingly through his hair.

A minute went by before Garith softly said, "It was my fault."

"No it wasn't," Ginny replied, just as softly. Apparently she, unlike anyone in the stands, knew what the heck Garith was talking about. "You couldn't have known that would happen."

"She's dead now, Ginny... dead because of me."

"No," Ginny said, cradling him tighter. "She's dead because of Voldemort - he's the one that killed her, not you."

"I... I..."

"Sshhhh, it's ok," Ginny shushed gently.

A moment went by before Garith softly whispered, "Thank you, Ginny..."

The two seperated, followed by cheers from the female half of the crowd and blank confused looks from the male half.

"That was good," Luna said. "Very sensative."

"Now, wait a minute," Ron said, almost taking offense. "That wasn't someone being sensative - that was them being whiny!"

"Whiny?" Luna asked, shocked.

"Sensative isn't dwelling on your own emotions, it's being empathetic to the emotions of others. If bad-boy Chu down there was sensative, he would've seen that Ginny was dealing with issues and comforted her, not whined about how Voldemort killed some girl. Sure, everyone needs a hug now and then, but isn't the point of a sensative person their empathy? Not their narcism?"

Luna stared at the boy for a few seconds before dismissively saying, "Bah."

"I'm serious!"

"Ron, you are the least qualified male on the planet to offer knowledge on sensative men."

Ron crossed his arms poutingly, sending a very clear (and sensative) message to Luna that she would be doing the remainder of the announcing today.

Luna shrugged, and said, "Next up is Sirius Black!"

Sirius had to partly agree with Ron on this one. After all, he'd spent over a decade in Azkaban - so it's not like he didn't have the moral authority to do the breakdown - but he grimmaced watching Garith the last five minutes. He walked up to Ginny, trying to put out of mind that she was assuming the role of his love interest, despite her being in a relationship with his god-son and her being somewhere between a half and a third of his age.

"Ginny," he said softly by the way of a greeting.

"Sirius," she replied back. He took hold of her hand and guided them to sit next to each other on the grass.

"I'm glad to see you again... I was worried about you."

"Worried about me?" Ginny asked with a bit of surprise.

"Pre-NEWTs," Sirius replied, putting an arm around her. "I remember how nasty the first year after the OWLs was, and... your last email to me seemed pretty stressed."

"Yeah," Ginny said, leaning into him a bit. "McGonagall's being a right pain... the NEWTs aren't for over a year!" Then, as if suddenly realizing that he was supposed to be the focus of this, she said, "It can't be as bad as Azkaban, though."

"Not much could be," Sirius said with a small smile. "But, you see, the thing is... imagine how good I felt when I got out... now imagine how good it will feel after the NEWTs are done with next year."

Ginny smiled, but then pushed it away as she realized that he'd once again reflected things back to her. "You must have a whole lot of built up rage and anger about being locked up for 13 years for something you didn't do..."

"At first, yes," Sirius said softly. "But these last years, getting to see Harry grow up into a man... getting to watch you go through some of the best years of your life... why would I want to dwell on Azkaban when there are a lot better memories to remember? All that matters now is that I'm here, and that I can be with you and Harry. And, well, I didn't really have much chance to say so before, but the two of you have really made me proud."

Ginny's lips pursed, and she was obviously trying to decide whether to hug the man or pummel him.

Luna ignored Ron, who was laughing himself silly, and said, "Thank you, Sirius Black. That was certainly... interesting."

"Indeed," McGonagall said, obviously smoldering in a bit of ire. After all, it didn't bode for a good day when you were called a 'Sea-Hag' and publicly chewed out about teaching methods in front of the entire school within five minutes of each other.

"Our last contestant," Luna said, "Is Jerry Stewart."

Jerry walked out to Ginny, but due to the phantoms from the previous task, he was even older than Sirius.

"He looks too old," Ron said, finally joining the announcing.

"Not at all," Luna replied.

"Ok, he's, what? 45, 46 years old?"

"That's nothing."

"And my little sister is 16."

"Have you ever heard of a muggle named Sean Connery?"

Ron's face lit up with comprehension. "Ah... never mind."

However, before Ginny could worm out from the third Stu the problems that had been plaguing him, they were interrupted by an errant pirate.

"Where's the rum, old man?"

"Old man?" Jerry asked angrily.

"Where... is... the... rum?" the pirate repeated slowly.

"I don't have hearing problems!"

"Then why don't you answer the question? Where is the rum?"

"I remember your question - you didn't need to repeat it!" Jerry said, rising to his feet angrily. "I'm not senile!"

The pirate backed away a step, clearly not expecting so much resistance from this middle-aged Stu.

Jerry was about to close the distance between them, perhaps duel the poor sap for show, when he realized that he was supposed to be in a breakdown competition. "It's... it's just... that's the question my dad asked before he was eaten by a dragon," he said in a voice about ready to break down in sobs.

"Your father's last words were... 'where's the rum'?" Ginny asked in a confused voice as the pirate took the opportunity to leave the psychotic pair.

"Yes... his... d-dying words," the man sobbed, quickly burrowing his head uninvited into her chest.

"But... he wasn't dying, was he? I mean, if he died from a sickness I could see that, but he was eaten by a dragon - that's a pretty quick way to go..." Ginny said, confused. "So they weren't his dying words, just the words before he died, right?"

"He... he had a terminal illness, er, of the left intestinal tract," Jerry said, giving the impression that he was just making all of this up anyway.

"Ah," Ginny said, catching on. "You pour soul..." She cradled him, but the crowd started booing.

"Hey!" Jerry shouted, angrily standing up. "Don't boo me just because some plague-infested, drunk, imbred sea-rat can't fi... urgh... h-help..."

Everyone watched as the pirate, who obviously didn't like being called such filthy names, stabbed Jerry in the back, thus filling the quota of a single Stu dying at each stage of the competition. However, as a complete surprise, he picked Ginny up and tossed her over his shoulder, carrying her back to the ship as either a spoil or a prisonner. It wasn't so much a shock that they were abducting someone as such - the crowd had seen several pirates going back to the ship with people tossed over their shoulders - but the fact that this one had chosen a Weasley.

Ron raised an eyebrow, but didn't say anything.

"Shouldn't we help?" Luna asked.

"Oh, no," Ron said, shaking his head. "He's getting himself into this mess - he can get himself out!"

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"Argh!"

"What was that, cap'n?"

"Argh!"

The first mate raised an eyebrow.

"Avast! Furl the bedsheets and shore the broadsides! Yarrgghhh!"

"Ok... you're not making any sense, cap'n. Have you been in Davey Jones' locker?"

"I know I'm not making sense," the captain replied. "But do our hosts honestly think that's the way I talk?"

"I've heard legends about the 'Famous Grey-Beard'. I suppose some of it could be what you sound like."

"No, no - those idiots up there think all pirates talk like that."

"Yarghh."

"Yarghh, indeed."

"Still, they're being awfully hard on the women up there."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, Cap'n. All the digs on the Stus, and what women say they want, and what they really mean. I mean, it seems like the guys are given a free pass."

"Well, the author's male."

"Are you saying he's sexist?"

"No, no," Grey-beard said, smiling. "I'm saying that as much as women hate Gary-Stus and Mary-Sues, it's nothing to how much men hate reading them. You do know what a Gary-Stu is, don't you?"

"He's a handsome, intelligent, roguish hero."

"No, no... I mean, what is he? Why was he invented? And why were Sues invented?"

The first mate shrugged. "You're the avid reader. You tell me."

"You know those romance stories... how the main character is always a nondescript female character?"

"No, I wouldn't know!" the first mate protested, blushing, trying to hide the copy of 'The Dutchess and the White Knight' that he'd been reading discretely a few minutes ago.

"Well, she was a sort of place-holder for the woman reader, who could insert herself into the heroine's shoes, experience what happened in the book through her. Mary-Sues descended from that - they're badly written characters that are supposed to let the woman project herself into the character's role. But in the end, they're so off-putting that they make the readers wretch."

"So... a Gary-Stu is a character males can project themselves into?" the first mate asked.

"See, that's the thing, they're not. Instead, they're usually figures that women can project themselves as being with as a love interest. Thus the unkempt but sensative badboy with a flowing mane of magnificent hair. Guys generally don't project themselves into tight black leather. In almost all ways, Stus and Sues are written by and for women, with no thought about the guys having to read 'em."

"Wow, no wonder the guy fanfiction members are usually bitter sarcastic parody writers..."

They were interrupted by a trio of pirates running up to them. "Cap'n, we got some serious problems with the red-head."

"Oh?"

"She's fighting off her abductors single-handedly - with quite a deal of gusto, I should add. Should I send your parrot down after her?"

Grey-Beard suddenly smiled. "No need to disturb him from his nap. I wonder if I might see her for a moment, there's something I want to try..."

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"Hi, Harry," Ginny said, sitting down on the couch next to her boyfriend.

"Hi..." Harry said, almost warily.

Ginny smiled before leaning over, giving him a soft peck on the cheek.

"Are... you ok?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she said lightly. "Well, I had a bit of a cough earlier in Charms, I suppose."

Harry almost testingly said, "I don't suppose you know anything about Transmutive Matrices? McGonagall assigned them for homework yesterday..."

Ginny laughed. "Not really. Besides, you don't think she gives me homework, too?" She turned around on the couch to face him, grinning a bit. "Wanna procrastinate a bit? I haven't played chess since term started..."

Harry let out an inaudible sigh. "Sure... that sounds great, Ginny." He got out the board, sitting down on the carpet on one side, but noticed that Ginny didn't sit opposite of the board from him. Instead, she sat on one side, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"Sorry about the last few days," she said, her hand rubbing his shoulder as though he'd had a rough day and she was trying to put him at ease. "I know I haven't exactly been myself."

"No you haven't," Harry said without really meaning to. "What was happening? You...you weren't..."

"Yes," she said, looking down at the carpet. "I was... I was turning into a bit of a Sue."

"What happened? How did you get... get better?"

Ginny sighed. "Grey-Beard set me straight."

"Grey-Beard?"

"The pirate captain. He convinced me I should be a reverse Sue, instead."

"What? What the heck is a reverse Sue?"

"I'm going to be someone that the male readers can project themselves as being with romantically. Sort of like a Gary-Stu for the guys."

"In a PG rated fic? Is that even possible?"

"Well," Ginny said, blushing, "Obviously there will be aspects left out of the story."

"And... there are actually male Harry Potter fanfiction readers?"

Ginny frowned. "Not that many, I suppose. Still, it could work out..."

"Tell you what," Harry said, smiling. "Why don't you just forget about anything Sue-ish, or Reversish-Sue, and just be yourself?"

"Whew," Ginny said, sighing, "Because I really can't spend any more time with you right now. I've got so much homework waiting to get done." Harry watched with exasperated amusement as Ginny stopped rubbing his back and went back to her room.

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Odd chapter. Anyway, I hope nobody minded a bit of gender-poking there... :-)

Finally, review and let me know any other character's you'd like to see. The next chapter is the last one, and is going to be pretty insane, so I'm actually thinking of taking every single character suggestion offered (even if I've never heard of them and have to do a quick googling)