Disclaimers: I don't own ER. Next part of Guilt, I'm hoping to get another two parts up before the end of tomorrow, but we'll see, lots of other things to do as well. This wasn't initially my favourite chapter but I rather like it now, so hopefully you do to. The angst will be building up a fair bit over the next couple of chapters so be warned. Thanks to Roomieslove for her suggestions on where to take this, they were great and I'll try and incorporate some in what I've got planned. Reviews please.


It was dark and snowy as he drove home. It had been a hell of a shift, 28 hours and all he wanted to do was collapse into bed and sleep for hours. But his phone rang just as he was pulling up outside his apartment building 'what?'

'Greg? It's Tony, we need you to come back' there was something in his voice, a catch, a hesitancy, that made Greg, as tired as he was, listen.

He sighed wearily 'Jesus man, I've been on for 28 hours, can't a guy get some shuteye? Isn't there someone else you can call, I'm dead on my feet, I doubt it would be safe for me to keep working. What's happened?' Even as he spoke he was swinging the car around and pulling back into the lanes of traffic, he knew that the only reason they were calling him was because there was no one else.

'It's Neela' and with those words the bubble he'd been living in for the last couple of weeks burst.

'Shit, I'm on my way, what's happened?' And with the bubble bursting all the illusions he'd been under about her recovering vanished, and all he could see were images of the way she'd been these last few months flashing in front of his eyes. The months of trying to care for her, worrying about her, trying to get her to smile, trying to stop her blaming herself for everything were all he could see as he pressed down on the accelerator. And the crushing sensation in his chest, as he wove his way around the other cars, was telling him that his concerns over her hurting herself again hadn't been misguided, this was the phone call that he'd been waiting for even though he hadn't known it.

'She collapsed in a trauma' there was a pause, and Greg felt his foot grow heavier on the pedal. 'She's okay, well she's conscious but… shit, you should see her, how could we miss this? She's been cutting herself, her stomach and thighs are covered in scars, we think she's stopped eating, that's why she collapsed' there was another long pause and he tried to absorb what Tony was saying 'she's broken, all her fight has gone, I… I really don't know if we can get her back this time'

'Who's with her?' His dreams of a cosy, warm bed and a warm body to hold, where fading fast into the distance. Sleep wasn't on the cards for him tonight.

'Abby, we've called psych as well, but we thought you should know'

'Look, I'll be there in 10 minutes, tell whoever's on duty in psych that I want to speak to them' it would be less if he could help it, he thought as he overtook another car.


'What?'

'Greg, its Ray, is this a bad time?' He could hear the anger in Greg's voice resonating down the line.

Pratt gave a wry, bitter laugh 'A bad time, I've just got off after 28 hours, I didn't even make it home before I was called back' he climbed out of his car heading towards the ER entrance, Scott, one of the security guards, gesturing that he couldn't use his cell inside.

'You short staffed or something?' He remembered how horrendous shifts like that were, when all you wanted to do was sleep, but you had to keep going because there were patients to treat. With a slow smile, he realised that he was looking forward to experiencing that again. The shifts he'd picked up at the local hospital had been good, but there hadn't been anything like the buzz of County, there was something about the place, the energy, the dynamics of the department which made it a great place to work. That, and if he was honest, she was there and that would make any place worth working in.

'Aren't we always? No, Neela's collapsed, Abby and Tony are worried about her so they called me back' he realised then that it wasn't anger he could hear in Greg's voice, it was frustration and anxiety mixed in with a liberal dose of fatigue.

'Tony? You mean Gates? Is he still hanging around? Is she still screwing him?' One minute he was thinking positively about her, looking forward to seeing her again, and then with just a couple of words his mind was shooting off in a completely different direction. They were all questions he wanted answers to, but he'd planned on asking them differently, more tactfully, in fact that was part of his reason for speaking to Greg tonight, to find out how she was, what was going on with her. He finally almost felt ready to address the situation between them, and here he was reacting like this. He subconsciously held his breath as he waited for Greg's answer.

'Grow up man, they haven't been together for over nine months but he's been a good friend to her, to all of us, through her illness' this time it was definitely anger he could hear in Greg's voice and he knew it was aimed at him.

'I bet he has, he's just waiting to jump back into her bed and she'll let him like always' Just a few words that to him sounded like Greg was singing the guy's praises and all the jealousy that he'd felt for the last two years or so was venting itself.

'Oh, for fuck sake, at least he's been here for her, he's put his life on hold to look after her, we all have'

'What's that supposed to mean?' He deserved that, he knew he did, and in all honesty he also knew what was coming next.

'You won't even speak to her, can't you even give her that, she's making herself ill over this'

He tried so hard not to respond in anger to that comment, but before he could count to ten it was out there 'hang on, I'm the one that lost my legs, why should I make the effort?'

'You once said you loved her, if you meant it, if you still feel anything for her, you would talk to her'

How did he know? The only person he'd said those words to was Neela, he shook his head, it didn't really matter how he knew, he just did, the important thing was what he'd said, not how he knew. Yes he still loved her, as hard as he'd tried he hadn't been able to stop and he couldn't imagine a time when she wouldn't be a part of his life. But was he ready to open up to her again, would it be third time lucky or was he going to get so badly burnt that he would never recover? He'd been quiet for so long that Greg probably thought he'd hung up, and all the collective emotion from what he'd been thinking was evident in his voice when he spoke 'I do still love her, I don't know how to stop, but she messed me around so much, I don't want to get hurt again'

'She knows she was wrong to do that, that's why she wants to apologise'

Was there really anything for her to apologise for? It was a question that he'd asked himself on numerous occasions and one on which he was still no clearer 'I have to get myself sorted out before I can do anything; I want to walk through those doors when I come back not wheel myself in' He knew that was misleading, that he was practically lying to Pratt but he wasn't ready for anyone to know that he was coming back, that he was strong enough and fit enough, finally, to return to work.

'You don't have to come back, just speak to her, that's all I'm asking. Here's a question for you though, what's more important, walking back into County or coming back to her? Think about your answer, because if you're coming back for her, if you leave it too long, there won't be anyone to come back too'

He felt his hackles rising again, he wasn't sure what it was, was it the feeling that Greg was exaggerating, making her sound worse than she most likely was to guilt him into speaking to her or was it the suspicion that he was underplaying her illness, protecting him from how bad it really was? 'Stop being so melodramatic! She can't be that bad or they'd have admitted her by now'

'Oh, is that what I'm being, perhaps I should go and ask your ex girlfriend what she thinks, she's well place seeing as she's doing a psych consult on her as we speak. While I'm at it, maybe I should tell her what you said about having 'waited for Neela' I wonder what she thinks of that seeing as you were screwing her at the time. Talk about being melodramatic. I don't think Neela is the only one who has apologies to make, do you? Think about it, think about what you really want before she succeeds in destroying herself!'

He had no idea how to respond to any of that, so many words in his vocabulary yet none of them seemed to fit this situation. He remained silent for so long contemplating Greg's words, that he almost didn't hear what else he had to say when he spoke again.

'Look, I'm sorry man, its just this… its all too much to take in. I need to go see what's happening with her, but I'll talk to you later, okay?'

He heard himself agreeing and then the phone went dead.


As Greg walked back into the ER he ran into Katey 'how is she? What's your assessment?'

She sighed deeply 'I thought we were heading in the right direction Greg, but she's a lot worse than I thought. She's obviously not eating, Abby's found fresh scars on her stomach and thighs. She's closed in on herself, she's not saying much but what she did say was that she hadn't wanted to worry any of us. She needs admitting, I know you didn't want it last time, but if we're going to get her through this we're going to have to do it' she paused and he sensed that she wasn't finished.

'But?'

'We haven't got a free bed at the moment, I'm sorry, she's top of the list, but there just isn't anything'

'Fuck, what are we supposed to do then?' he lashed out at the wall, leaving a dent in the plasterwork.

'What you were doing before I guess, look I really am sorry, I can see she needs help, as soon as there is anything it hers and if there's anything I can do in the meantime just let me know'

'Ray just called, I tried to talk to him, to get him to speak to Neela, but he won't, it's like he's got a monopoly on being the injured party'

'I know, I've tried as well, I spoke to him again last night, but he still seems to blame her for the accident' she took a deep breath 'I know I've said this before but one of the things I regret is that I told her that his accident was her fault, it was one of those spur of the moment comments, I was angry and upset but I should never have said it, I can't help but feel I'm partly responsible for what's happening to her and for the way he's feeling'

'What's going on with her goes back a lot further than that I think, don't beat yourself up'

'I know but it doesn't make it any easier to accept and I think if I hadn't been so quick to agree with him in the first place he wouldn't be so adamant about it now. I just wish we could get him to talk to her, I really think he could make a difference, she trusts him, she'd listen to him, it wouldn't make her better, but it would be a move in the right direction'

'All we can do is keep trying, hopefully we'll get through to him, before it's too late'

'How much have you told him?'

'He knows she's had a breakdown, that she was staying with me, I didn't go into the specifics, I kind of feel that I should be protecting him from what's really going on'

'I think its time to stop that, he needs to know how bad it is'

He shook his head 'look, be careful about what you say, you could lose your job over this'

'I know that but I kind of feel I owe it to her to try and get him to see reason. And I know that if I don't try and she doesn't make it, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, I don't' want to have to live with that'