Disclaimer: I don't own ER. Hopefully I will get the next chapter up tonight as well. Again, I wasn't so happy with this chapter but with a bit of spit and polish I really like it. Its got another good dose of angst in, I can promise you that. Reviews please.


'Can you give me Ray's number?' she asked as she passed him on the way out of the door.

He looked puzzled 'why do you want it?'

She looked over her shoulder at the girl sitting huddled on the couch 'I would think that was obvious, wouldn't you? We can't let her go on like this'

He sighed heavily, running a hand down his face 'I've tried Abby, god knows I've tried, Katey has too, he won't talk to her'

'I'm not doubting that Greg, but I need to try as well, I'm not going to lose her over this'

He looked at Neela 'You really think that's possible?'

If she was honest she couldn't see it being any other way, she couldn't see a way back for the girl she'd lived with, the girl she considered her best friend. She turned back to face him 'at the moment I can't see any other outcome, that's why I need to do everything I can'

He briefly closed his eyes 'I wish I didn't but I agree, Jesus, Abby, its so hard seeing her like this, I feel that I've let her and Mike down, and I don't know how I can make things right'

She lightly touched him on the arm 'I now Greg, I feel helpless too and I hate feeling like that, that's why I want to speak to him'

He pulled his phone out 'Okay, his number is…'

'Thanks Greg, I'll let you know how I get on'


He was packing up some of his belongings when he heard the muffled sound of his cell ringing, eventually he found it under a pile of boxers on his bed, he looked at the screen for a couple of seconds puzzled by the unfamiliar number 'Hey'

'Ray?' It's Abby Lockhart, I hope you don't mind that Greg gave me your number'

Abby. The last time he'd seen her or even spoken to her was that night, the one he would be reminded of for the rest of his life 'Nah, its okay, how are you doing?'

'Yeah, I'm okay, more importantly how are you? Greg told me what happened'

He felt himself tense, how dare Greg tell Abby? Who else had he told? He tried to calm himself down, wasn't it better that people knew, it would make it easier when he returned to County, surely. 'I'm getting there, its been hard and I'm under no illusions that it's going to be easy from now on, but I'll get there'

'That's good to hear, I wish that you'd told us about the accident though so that we could have been there for you, I thought we were friends'

'Don't go there, Lockhart, it was just something I needed to do on my own. I didn't want any of you to see me like that'

'But you phoned…, no you're right, I'll leave it, its none of my business'

He was beginning to realise that this wasn't a social call, it sounded like Abby had some sort of agenda 'what can I do for you Abby?'

'It's just' she paused 'I know Greg and Katey have mentioned this, but I'm worried about Neela, she needs you, Ray'

Ah, the words that could cut so deep. The idea of Neela needing him in the past would have been enough to send him running to her side, well that obviously wasn't possible now, but still the thought of it made him want to tear down buildings and flatten mountains to be with her.

'Abby just don't, please'

'All I'm asking is that you talk to her, is that too much. I know the last couple of years have been complicated between you two; I doubt I'll ever understand what's been going on. But she was once your best friend, wasn't she?'

'Abby'

'I remember standing in the Jumbomart with you not long after you started and she was at the till serving and you looked at he like she was the most beautiful girl in the world despite the fact that she was wearing that ridiculous foam Statue of Liberty hat and a face like thunder. Of course you were teasing her about it in no time'

He remembered that day too; he'd wanted desperately to make her smile, just to see if her smile was as beautiful as the rest of her. It had been and she'd only grown more so over the years that he'd known her, as she'd grown into herself and her confidence had increased.

'When she first moved in with you, she was constantly moaning about you using all the hot water, your so called 'girlfriends' coming over and your band hanging around, but you know what? I mentioned that to her just before she and Michael… and she said that you'd grown on her, that you were one of her closest friends, that she felt she could trust you with anything'

For fuck sake Abby was definitely out to pull at this heart strings, every word she was saying had a direct connection to that part of his anatomy and he was finding it hard to remain detached, hell, if he was honest, he had never been detached, he'd never stopped loving Neela. The question was still whether he wanted to open himself up to that kind of pain again.

'I know all that Abby, I was there, but you're right you don't know what's happened since…'

'I know she tried to be there for you, I know she called you constantly after her accident, that she wanted to help you, but you wouldn't let her'

He had taken some comfort in those phone calls, he'd never spoken to her, but he'd known she was thinking about him, maybe as much as he was thinking about her, it had made him feel less alone, that despite whatever was going on with them, she still cared. Perhaps he should have called her, it wasn't her fault that he hadn't wanted to speak to anyone, she had at least tried.

'Ray, just think about it. Think about the girl who helped treat your friends when that balcony collapsed, who pulled you up for walking out on that kid to go to your gig, who saved your ass over the Zoe situation. Think about the girl you lived with, the girl you called your roomie, the girl you say you fell in love with, because' she paused and he heard a hitch in her voice as she spoke again '… because she's not there anymore, that's not the person I've spent the last day trying to look after. I don't know if you can bring her back, but I do know that I need you to try, that she's worth trying for because I'm not ready to give up on her yet and neither should you be'

He couldn't speak, he could feel his throat tightening, restricting, he could feel a pressure forming behind his eyes and he could feel a constricting sensation in his chest, all of which were preventing any words from flowing. How, in just four sentences, had Abby managed to pull down all his defences and left him more exposed than he'd allowed himself to be in the last nine months? How had those few words been shot so deep into his heart that they'd left him reeling, unable to think about anything else? Greg and Katey had said similar things, but their words had not had the power to affect him like this, they'd made him frustrated, angry even, Abby had made him want to climb on the first plane and go home.

'Look, I'll think about it, that's all I can promise' he wasn't sure who was speaking because it couldn't be him, the voice was too calm, too controlled, that wasn't him, he was on edge, shaking, desperate to stuff clothes into a bag and board a plane, to hold her and never let go. But he'd be there on Thursday, he would be able to see her then, it was only two days, what difference could two days make?


'Neela, what's going on?'

She didn't reply, just continued to sit staring into space. All the tricks from the last time, her favourite TV programme, spending time with Joe, none of it was working, all she did was sit and rock back and forth.

'We need you to get better, we care about you and it's killing us to see you like this'

Nothing.

'Without you, we have to put up with Crenshaw doing ER consults and you know what he's like with us lowly ER doctors'

Not even a glimmer of a smile.

'None of what happened was your fault, you know, no one blames you for it except for yourself'

Silence.

'We just want the sarcastic Neela back, we want to hear you calling Gates a wanker, saying bloody, and bollocks, calling chips crisps, and cookies biscuits'

It was like talking to himself.

'Please Neela, just talk to me? I want to help you, Michael wouldn't want to see you like this, he loved you, we all love you' he considered his next words carefully 'Ray loves you'

Her eyes flickered towards him, the only sign that she was listening.

'He does, he's being stubborn and difficult but he loves you, I know it'

A light flared in her eyes 'If he loves me so fucking much why won't he return my calls, why won't he forgive me' her hands were in her hair, and she was pulling it out in chunks that made him flinch 'He doesn't love me, Greg, he hates me and he's right too, all I've done is hurt him, all I've done is cause him pain' she grabbed the TV remote from beside her and hurled it at the wall, where it smashed into pieces 'I don't deserve anything less than this, I'm a terrible friend, a terrible wife, a useless doctor... I don't deserve... I don't deserve to be loved... I'm not worth caring for' the tears started to spill over, the sobs pulling from her chest, as she continued to attack her skull, her face, any part of her body that she could get her fingers and nails to.


'Hey, it's Katey, how are you doing?'

'Not bad, it's been an okay sort of day, what can I do for you? It's unlike you to ring twice in a week, can't get enough of me, right?' his tone was just the right side of flirtatious.

'Mmh, yeah right' she didn't pick up on his joke, her voice was quiet and reflective 'Ray, I need to talk to you about something'

'Sounds ominous, okay, hit me with it'

'It's about Neela'

'Why won't you guys leave me alone, in the last two days I've had Greg and Abby telling me to forgive her, and now you want to talk about her, God, you don't even like her'

'That's not really true, I hated the power she had over you, but when I first met her I thought we could be friends, we got on well. I was jealous of how you felt about her, and I let it come between us'

'But you agreed with me that if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have been hit'

'I was wrong, it was an accident Ray, it wasn't anyone's fault, certainly not hers'

'But you said...'

'I'll regret saying that to her for the rest of my life, I can see what that, and everything else has done to her, and I hate myself for it'

'You're all being a bit overdramatic, aren't you?'

'I don't think so. Ray, I shouldn't be telling you this, I'm risking my career over it, but I think you need to know what's really going on'

'Go on then, you've all been skating around this for weeks, what has been going on with her?'

'Neela's been slowly trying to kill herself for months'

He didn't say anything.

'Ray, I understand you're angry, but this is no joke, she's not trying to seek attention, in fact it's the reverse. She thinks she's to blame for so much of what's happened to you, to Michael, she feels that everyone would be far better of without her'

'What exactly is she doing?' his voice was quieter; she could hear a hint of pain and concern coming through in his words.

'She's stopped eating, she's not sleeping, she won't speak to anyone, she just sits and stares into space, and... and she's started cutting herself, Abby found scars all across her stomach and thighs'

'What... what are you doing for her? Surely she's been admitted? You can help her right?' He could feel the fear coursing through his veins, why hadn't Greg or Abby told him this before? Why was he only hearing this now?

'I wish we could, she's top of the list for a psych bed, but we're full, and she keeps getting knocked down the list when someone comes in who's dangerous to others. The guys and I, we're doing everything we can for her, but it's not enough, I don't know Ray, I just don't know'

'Wha... What? You have to do something' No, no, this couldn't be real, this was some kind of nightmare surely. He was going to wake up any minute and it would be okay, and she'd be okay.

'Ray there's something you can do, just talk to her, tell her you forgive her; I think hearing that from you might make all the difference'

'I don't know if I'm ready to yet' the uncertainty in his voice was plain to hear.

'Can't you just say it, please just give her that, you still love her, don't you?'

'Yeah, I do, but I'm don't think I'm ready for that yet, it'll open up all the old wounds'

'What's worse, that pain, or losing her, think about it, it's all I can ask'

When he put the phone down he was tempted to pick up it up again to call her, but he would be back in Chicago tomorrow, what could happen in a day?


72 hours had passed since Neela had collapsed, she was once again staying with Greg, but the person residing in his spare room wasn't anyone he knew, her spirit, her soul, had left her body, and all that was left was a shell, that was slowly shutting down as well. She hadn't said a word in the previous 48 hours, not since her outburst at Greg, she hadn't eaten, she hadn't done anything and there was still no bed in psych.

Her hair hung limply around her pale, gaunt face as she sat currently huddled in the corner of the couch, her arms wrapped around her legs, rocking back and forth. There was a plate of food on the coffee table in front of her, but she hadn't even acknowledged its existence, let alone touched it. The thin veneer that she'd built up around her over the last couple of months had come crumbling down and they were all appalled by what it had revealed.

'Look man, I'm looking after Neela, I can't leave her, can't you understand that?' he was pacing up and down Greg's lounge, talking persuasively into his cell.

'Yes Dr Gates I understand that you're looking after your friend, but this isn't a crèche service, you are an ER doctor, I have an ER to run, we've got a major incident and I need all my doctors in now, and that includes you, I'm not making any exceptions'

'But…'

'No buts Dr Gates, If I don't see you in this ER within the hour, you can forget about ever practising medicine in this country again, do I make myself clear' Moretti slammed the phone down.

He pulled the phone away from his ear and stabbed a finger at the disconnect button, kicking out at the couch at the same time 'fucking asshole' For a couple of seconds he just stood there, look at her, watching her rock back and forth. He moved over to her, pushing aside the plate of food before perching on the edge of the coffee table and taking her hands in his.

'What do you think I should do Mayday?'

She didn't say anything; he smiled weakly at her as he reached out to brush a strand of hair from her face. It was so painful to see her like this, so beaten and lacking in spark, it was a long way from the girl he'd argued with, and then passionately made out with, in the conference room a year and a half ago.

'I'm going to ring Greg, he might have some ideas' talking to her was almost like talking to someone in a coma, you couldn't be sure she was listening or paying attention but you had to keep trying. He didn't stray from her side, or let go of her hands as he dialled Greg's number.

'Greg? It's Tony, look I know its busy there, Moretti's just called me back in, he's threatening my career if I don't show up in the next hour, but I don't want to leaver her, have you any ideas?'

'I know, I've just spoken to Chaz, he's on his way over, he'll stay with her until one of us can get away'

He let out a sigh of relief 'Any idea how long he'll be?'

'10 minutes or so he said, look just go, he's got keys, he can let himself in, I'm sure she'll be okay for that long'

'Thanks man, I owe you' He hung up the phone.

'Mayday, I've got to go into work, some kind of major trauma, all hands to the deck type of thing. Chaz is on his way over, he should be here in the next ten minutes, will you be okay until then?' Unsurprisingly she didn't reply. He sighed again and leant forward to kiss her on the forehead. 'I hate doing this but I've got to go, you know where we are if you need anything' he walked away, as he got to the door, he turned and took one last look at her, and as he did so he wondered why he felt like was personally hammering the final nail into her coffin.