Disclaimer: I don't own ER. Apologies, Ash pointed out a major discrepancy with Ray's behaviour in this part that I had to correct, which ended up with me rewriting a fair lot of it to make sure it still worked. I'm a lot happier with the outcome, can't have Ray behaving too unrealistically. I've also tried to tone down Dr Moretti a bit as a few of you commented on that. Hope you enjoy.


20 minutes earlier:

He couldn't leave it like that, he was too worried, too scared, not to act on her message. What she'd said was so private, so personal, that he knew she'd been alone when she left it. She wouldn't have made that call in front of Greg or Abby or anyone else for that matter. Neela was a private person, not one to share her feelings easily, if anyone knew that he did, it was something that neither of them did well, if they did, well who knows how things would have worked out. He replayed her message, listening for the subtle nuances in her tone, for the points she faltered, and he felt the blanket that had wrapped itself round him when he'd first listened grow tighter and icier.

She'd been alone when she left that message, he knew that, the questions he found himself asking, the ones that caused his body to shudder were how long had she been alone? How often was she alone? How could they protect her all the time when the person they were protecting her from was herself? A lump was growing in his throat and it was making it hard to swallow, as his mind kept coming back to that question 'how long had she been alone', it only took a couple of minutes, he had to force his mind to complete that unwelcome thought, to swallow some pills, to take a blade to a wrist. And what then, she'd be gone and he'd have to spend the rest of his life without her, that couldn't happen, he couldn't let it.

His hand was shaking violently as he pulled out his cell. He tried Greg first, but it clicked straight to his voicemail, he forced words past the lump in his throat 'It's Ray, I've just had a disturbing message from Neela, I need you to check she's okay, get back to me. I'm in Chicago, on my way to County, if you can't reach me leave a message there'

He tried Abby's next and again there was no answer, the message he left was the same, and he dialled another number. It was Frank that answered.

'Frank it's Ray Barnett, is Abby or Greg there, I need to speak to them?'

'Barnett? What the f…'

'Frank, are they there or not?'

'They're both in trauma, I can't disturb them'

He sighed deeply 'Look, can you just ask them to call me, its urgent, it's about Neela'

He disconnected the call feeling that he'd let her down; that he hadn't done enough, that he'd failed. He found himself wondering who was with her if they were both in traumas, he didn't care if it was Gates as long as someone was there, if he'd known where she was he'd be heading there now. If only he'd heard that call, if he'd been able to talk to her, he couldn't finish that thought.


It was the first moment he'd had since he'd arrived back at County to check that Neela was okay. The phone was in his hand and he'd dialled the first couple of digits when he noticed Moretti approaching the admit desk, his intention clear. He replaced the handset, now obviously wasn't the time to be making personal phone calls.

'Dr Gates, a word please'

He fell into step with Dr Moretti as he walked towards the elevators, the area quieter than around the admit desk.

'I see that you decided to join us today' his tone seemed patronising to Tony 'I know that your friend isn't well and I understand how difficult it must be for you, Dr Lockhart and Dr Pratt especially, but I can't let any of that effect the running of this department.'

He wasn't at all sure how to respond to those statements, he'd acknowledged what they'd been doing but he was still saying that work was more important than Neela, and he could never believe that. Neela and Sarah were the most important people in the world to him, and even though he knew she could never love him the way she loved Ray a tiny part of him held out some hope that when, not if, when she was better she'd turn to him. Barnett was the biggest fool to reject her; he wouldn't make the same mistake. He'd be there if, not when, if she ever decided she wanted him again.

'You're turning into a good doctor, Dr Gates, I'll give you that, I never thought it could happen but you're getting there' he looked at his watch 'it looks like we're on top of things now, you and Dr Pratt should get back to your friend' he started to walk back to the desk, but paused and looked over his shoulder 'oh, and Dr Gates, Neela is in my thoughts'

The man was addressing the rest of the doctors and nurses before he could muster a response.

'Listen up team' he saw Abby role her eyes at the term 'it looks like we're on top of things here, I know a few of your shifts were up hours ago and I just wanted to say thank you. Dr's Pratt and Gates, you can finish up now. Nurses should speak to the Nursing Manager about their shifts. The rest of you, I want as many of you in the lounge in half an hour as is possible, obviously critical patients come first, but there's a new doctor joining us on Monday and I want to introduce him'

A buzz started to go through the assembled group, the usual buzz that went through a place when someone new started, were they any good, where were they from, were they good looking, did they have kids, a significant other, what would they be like, all things up for debate and discussion even before they'd entered the door. In the past he would have been first in there to find out, but they needed to get back to Neela. He caught Greg's eye and indicated towards the lounge. He just needed to get his coat and he'd be ready to go.

He'd almost reached the door to the lounge when he heard Frank call out to Greg and he found himself being drawn back towards the desk.


He caught Tony's eye as he headed towards the lounge. He was exhausted and relieved that he was finally getting to leave, he had been worrying about Neela and worrying about Chaz looking after her for the last few hours, he'd not said anything to Gates or Abby but he knew his brother wasn't really aware of the severity of the situation and even though he'd tried to fill him in earlier he wasn't convinced he'd got it, so the sooner they got back the better.

He heard Frank calling out to him as he approached the exit 'Pratt, what do you think I am, your personal answering service? Your brother's been on the phone all afternoon, and Barnett called for you as well, something about Neela' Greg looked at Tony, fear and confusion filling his eyes, as he moved back to the admit desk. Barnett? Surely he couldn't mean Ray, why was he ringing?

'Dr Pratt, can I have a word' Katey appeared at his side as he picked up the phone.

'One minute, I need to ring Chaz back, he's with Neela' he replied dialling the number with shaky hands. That was the priority making sure she was okay, then he'd speak to Katey, and then he'd call Ray.

'That's why I'm here, we've got a bed for her, you need to get her in here asap'

He sighed with relief that was a great weight off his shoulders 'thank God, hey Chaz, what's up?'

'I got called back to work after I spoke to you, I haven't made it to your apartment yet'

'She's on her own? Fucking hell Chaz, why didn't you say something?' his heart was pounding, the weight had slammed back down onto his shoulders, all his worst nightmares were coming true.

'That guy on the desk wouldn't take a message, I've been trying to get through to you every chance I could get for the last two hours'

'Look, I've got to go' he slammed the phone down.

He felt the fear and adrenaline take over his body as he ran for the door, she was on her own and she was suicidal, all the possible scenarios were swimming through his mind, they hadn't prepared for this, she was never meant to be alone. Everything else flew out of his mind, the need to get to her overwhelming. If there'd been time he would have torn Moretti's head from his body for forcing this situation, but that could wait, all that was important was Neela.

He was so caught up in his thoughts that he'd forgotten about Gates.

'What's happened?'

He briefly glanced at the other doctor, never breaking stride 'she's on her own, Chaz got called back to work, he never made it to her'

'Shit!'


His thoughts hadn't strayed from her, he'd thought he would be nervous, apprehensive even, about returning to County, seeing his old colleagues, but what did that matter if she… hurt herself, he couldn't let himself think those thoughts. Abby's words were repeating in his mind 'think about the girl you lived with, the girl you called your roomie, the girl you say you fell in love with, because … because she's not there anymore, that's not the person I've spent the last day trying to look after'; he'd heard that in her message, her sarcasm, her enthusiasm, whatever you called it, that thing that made her Neela, somewhere along the way she'd lost it, it hadn't been there in that voicemail. All he'd heard was a flatness, a defeatedness as if everything was too much, and honestly, that scared him, because it was like she'd given up, and she couldn't give up, he wouldn't let her. That was why he'd made those calls, he just wished that he'd managed to speak to someone other than Frank, he wasn't sure he trusted him to pass the message on.

As he cautiously stepped out of the carriage, halting briefly to regain his balance, he found himself pulling his cell out of his pocket and punching in a sequence of numbers that he knew so well even though it had been so long since he'd used them. It was a call he should have made earlier, after he'd tried to speak to the others, he knew that, but he'd been too scared to make it. He paused on the platform waiting for her to answer, but all he heard was it ringing and then clicking onto her voicemail. He didn't leave a message.

He continued on his way to County, stopping at the corner of the ambulance bay to try again; there was still no answer but this time when it clicked to voicemail he left one 'Neela it's Ray, I got your message. I'm just back in Chicago, there's something I need to do but I was going to come over and see you after if that's okay, shouldn't be more than an hour or two. And Neela… there's nothing to forgive, you need to know that'

What he really wanted to say was that he hadn't wanted to hurt her, hadn't meant to cause her pain, that he loved her, but sharing his feelings with her had never been a strong point, if he had they may never have reached this place.

As he looked at the hospital in front of him, and the doors he'd been dreaming of walking through for so long, he would have given anything to walk away, to find her and never leave her, but a commitment was a commitment, she'd taught him that.


The journey back to Greg's apartment seemed to take an age even though they'd been lucky, most of the lights had been on green, and it had taken less than 20 minutes to get there. Greg hammered on the elevator button, but when it didn't appear instantly he decided to take the fire escape stairs, it was only three flights and it was better to be moving than standing still with the fear taking over.

His hand was shaking, and he was desperately trying to catch his breath, as he turned the key in the lock 'Neela, we're back' there was no answer, but that wasn't a surprise she hadn't said anything for over three days, now was unlikely to be the time she'd start. They could hear a phone ringing from somewhere, but they ignored it, it wasn't important. They moved through the apartment together but there was no sign of her, the only place left to check was the bathroom, the only closed door in the place.

'Neela, are you in there? If you are just let us know you're okay' there was no response. The two men looked at each other. Greg tried the handle, it was locked.

'I'm going to …' Pratt said, gesturing to the door.

'Yeah' Tony stood back, while he squared himself up to a door for the second time in his life, and with all his weight behind him, barged against it. The door sprung open with a crack.

The once pristine white bathroom was splattered with red, streaking up the walls, across the floor, and in one corner was the emaciated figure of Neela, the scalpel lying beside her right hand, two deep cuts on both wrists. Her clothes were soaked in her own blood, her skin turning deathly pale, lips changing from red to blue.

Tony grabbed a towel and pressed it against her wrists, in a hopeless move to try to quench the flow of blood.

Greg flipped his phone open and dialled 911. 'Paramedics, attempted suicide, two doctors in attendance, deep lacerations to both wrists, from the quantity of blood a couple of minutes max, pupils reactive, the address is' he reeled of the address 'hurry please' he checked that the apartment door was still open, and then returned to Neela's side. Tony raised his eyes to look at him, and he could see the pessimism in them.

'Come on Neela, stay with us' her eyes flitted around the room, not focusing on anything, and then fluttered shut.

'No, Mayday keep focusing on us, you need to stay awake' her eyes briefly flickered open and rested on Greg. She murmured something. He leant down to hear her, but couldn't make it out.

'I'm sorry, I didn't get that Neela' he leant closer as she repeated what she'd said. At that moment the ringing phone fell silent.

'Tell Ray I'm sorry, tell him I love him' and her eyes flickered shut again.

'Stay with us Neela, you can tell him when you're better, we'll get you through this and you'll be able to tell him' he pulled back her eyelids and her eyes had rolled backwards.


His heart was pounding as he entered the lounge at Dr Moretti's side. He'd never been nervous standing on a stage in front of crowds of groupies, but here, today, he was nervous, it had hit him with force just after he'd walked through the ER doors. He picked out Morris, Sam, Haleh and Chuny from the group gathered there, the group that was now whispering and sending sly glancing in his direction. No Greg, no Abby, and no Gates, he hoped that meant that they'd got his messages and were with Neela, he had to believe that was the case.

He could see them whispering and he could hear the murmurs, and he knew what they were thinking and wondering, and he also knew how much he'd changed since he'd last been here, he just wondered if they had at all. If there was one thing the ER was good at it was gossip and rumours and suppositions, and as much as he loved working at County that was the bit he hadn't missed, especially being the subject of those rumours, which he knew he was at the moment.

'Right there folks, I just wanted to say you did a good job today, an improvement on 9 months ago'

Ray glanced around at his old colleagues, Morris listening intently as if there was going to be a spot quiz afterwards with a hefty prize and Sam rolling her eyes at the sentiment. He saw Abby sneak quietly through the door and take up a position against the wall. She quirked an eyebrow in recognition and he smiled back, whilst feeling an iron fist take a hold of his heart. She wasn't with Neela; he had to hope that Greg and Gates were.

'We've got a new doctor starting on Monday, I'm sure quite a few of you already know him, but for those of you who don't this is Dr Ray Barnett. Dr Barnett has already completed 3 years of his residency at County however he was unable to finish it at the time due to health reasons but we hope that he will be able to now'

He found his mind flipping back to a previous time, a place he'd far rather be, an evening on a couch with her head on his shoulder watching Celebrity Poker, that was where he wanted to be. Not here, standing in the ER lounge, surrounded by people he used to know who were looking at him curiously, not worrying that the girl he loved had hurt herself, or worse. After so long of thinking it was a secret it was clear now from the glances he was getting, especially those aimed at his lower limbs, that most people knew about his accident, and his injuries, and if they didn't know for a fact, they'd heard rumours. He was almost tempted to roll up a trouser leg and show them what they wanted to see, but he knew he wouldn't do that; he wasn't comfortable enough with his prosthetics to do that, yet. He knew that the curious glances weren't cruel as such, they were just that, curious. It was hard to believe that these people saw similar injuries on a regular basis but not in these circumstances, not to a colleague or friend.

'As some of you may be aware Ray was involved in a horrific accident last year and he has suffered through many months of rehabilitation to get to the stage of being able to join our team again. I trust that you will make him very welcome and provide him with any assistance that he might need. Now get back to work, there are patients to treat'

There were smiles, and nods and warm, friendly 'hello's' as the room quickly emptied, until he was standing there with Abby and no one else in the room. He opened his mouth to ask if Neela was okay, if she'd got his message, but she spoke first.

'Are you going to see her?' she was straight to the point.

'She rang me, did you get…' he was interrupted as Moretti stuck his head back round the door.

'Lockhart, your patient's crashing again'

She looked at him in apology 'stay here, I'll find you as soon as I'm done, okay? We'll talk then'

'Where is she?' he called out after her, but the door was swinging shut before he'd finished the sentence, and she didn't hear.

And then he was alone. He collapsed back on to the couch, a couch he'd slept on on many an occasion, sighed deeply, and waited, there was nothing else he could do.