Disclaimer: I don't own ER. I'm still not sure I'm totally happy with this, but I think I could probably edit it until the cows come home, so here it is. If there was a Richter Scale for angst I think this would have quite a high rating, so don't say that I didn't warn you. As I've said before I wrote this part as a one shot, and have adapted it to fit in, but there will be more to follow. Reviews are like food for me, so please review!


He would have said there was a spring in his step as he walked back into County if he hadn't known it was impossible. It was good to be back, it meant his life was getting back to normal. As he slowly walked through the ambulance bay, he noticed the black funeral cars lined up and he started to question their presence. The doors to the ER slid open and he saw Abby, Sam and Gates huddled around the admit desk. Greg was talking to the night shift, while the others talked among themselves. They didn't seem to be dressed for work, their attire was more sombre and he wondered if that was linked to the cars outside.

He met Abby's eyes as he cautiously entered, snow dusting his jacket. 'You okay?' she asked, smiling briefly.

'Yeah, its just the snow, I'm paranoid about slipping, it's going to take a bit to get used to' he gave what he hoped was a wry smile as he made his way to the locker room.

'This sounds awful, but does anyone else feel relieved that it's finally over' he heard Sam murmur, her words still managing to filter their way over to the lounge.

'Yeah, I know what you mean. I mean I hate that's she's gone, I'm relieved though that she's not suffering any longer, and its selfish I know but I'm glad that I don't have to worry about her now' Abby's words trailed off 'I can't help but think we should have noticed something was wrong earlier though, we might have been able to make a difference if we had'

'Like when? When he left?' Sam gestured with her head towards the locker room, she didn't notice him standing in the doorway. Their conversation was causing his chest to tighten, making it harder to breath.

'No, though he would have noticed that something was wrong sooner than we did. Further back than that, when Michael died, she never grieved for him properly, I don't think she was right after that'

That asshole Gates had been listening quietly up until then 'If you want to get to the real root of it all you have to go back to when she married Michael. She shouldn't have done it, and she knew it, she was trying to hide her true feelings from herself, and that's what she did from then on'

There was a long pause after that, as if they didn't know what to say in response; he used the time to try to comprehend what they were talking about, but his mind kept rejecting the thoughts, they couldn't be true.

'I found these last night when I was going through some stuff, she looks so happy in them' Sam handed them an envelope.

He edged closer as Abby and Gates flicked through the photographs that it had contained; he couldn't see what they were of until Abby stopped at one, sighed and laid it on the counter. When he peered at it, he saw that it was of Neela and him dancing. Sam's birthday. A year ago. His heart started to pound in his ears, making it hard to hear the rest of the conversation.

'God, I don't know if I can do this, it seems so wrong, she was too young' there were tears in Abby's voice.

'I can't believe she's not going to suddenly appear down here, demanding to know who called for a surgical consult, a vision in her blue scrubs' Tony murmured wistfully. None of them seemed to be aware of his presence.

'I just hope she's finally at peace now' Hope said, as she and Morris joined the group at the desk. For once Morris was silent, no joke or glib comment to lighten the mood.

Abby raised her eyes from the photograph, and saw Ray standing just off to one side, the colour draining from his face.

'Only page us in an emergency, I mean a real emergency, I've got to… I've got to bury a friend today, I do not want to be paged for something trivial, understand?' In the silence Greg's voice drifted over.

They nodded 'yes, Dr Pratt'

'Greg' Abby murmured, he turned around and saw where she was gesticulating.

'What the hell are you doing here, if you knew anything you would leave now, I do not want to see you, do you understand? You left it too late' he turned back to the rest of the group as Dubenko, Katey and Crenshaw joined them 'right, is everyone ready, we need to go now, the cars are outside'

'Greg, what's going on?' he moved nearer to him.

'Didn't you get what I just said, you left it too late, we've been calling you asking for your help for months, but you wouldn't come, you wouldn't even speak to her, we tried God knows we tried, but we weren't what she needed'

'Man, you're scaring me now, where is she? You were right, I was wrong to blame her, I'll sort it out with her, I love her, we'll make it work' He couldn't stop shaking, he held onto the edge of the admit desk to steady himself, he couldn't lose his balance now. But that wasn't what scared him the most, all these people here, all these words he'd heard, they were all leading his mind in one direction, a direction he couldn't let it go in, because it couldn't be true.

'For fuck's sake, do you not get it? You left it too late… you see those cars out there? They're taking us to her funeral… her funeral; we couldn't catch her… do you understand, now? Two years ago, I was there when she buried her husband, my best friend; here I am burying her… you could have stopped this… you were the only one she would have listened to… the only one she wanted… but you couldn't give her that. Get out of here… you're not welcome here anymore…' There were tears in the corner of Greg's eyes '…I couldn't catch her… we couldn't be with her 24 hours a day… couldn't force feed her… certainly couldn't stop her bleeding… we found her…'

'When?' he shook his head, the tears forming in his eyes and his knuckles going white as he gripped the counter. He wasn't aware of anything except the words falling from his friend's mouth.

'When? Thursday'

His eyes shut, his face turning white as he swallowed. His arms were shaking violently as he tightened his grip; they felt so weak he was sure he was going to collapse to the floor. The pounding in his head was making him dizzy.

'Shit, she rang you, didn't she? What the hell did you say to her?' Greg continued without letting him answer, he doubted he could have anyway, the lump in his throat was threatening to suffocate him and he would have welcomed it gladly 'we had no choice but to leave her that day, Tony and I got back as quickly as possible, we found her in the bathroom…I'll never forget it… the tiles were smeared with red… her red blood… she was curled up in the corner of the room… semi-conscious… we couldn't stop the blood… it was too late… she died in my arms…we couldn't save her… she died whispering your name... only you could've saved her'

Greg shook his head, and opened his eyes. The anger and bitterness that his face and voice held cut right through him 'walking back through those doors was all that was important to you, wasn't it'

He couldn't focus on what Greg was saying, couldn't process what he was being told, couldn't comprehend what he was hearing. He noticed the blackness encroaching his vision, seeping across his eyes, and greeted it wholeheartedly, hoping against hope that when he woke it would all have been a dream, a terrible, awful, horrifying dream, but a dream all the same. This couldn't be real, this couldn't be his reality.

He felt her lips on his neck as he woke and the relief flooded through him, she was still here, the pounding of his heart started to calm 'Hey'

'You'll get through this, I promise' she pulled away from him as he turned his head towards her.

He met her eyes and saw all he'd ever wanted in them 'you'll be with me, right? You're not going anywhere'

There were tears in her eyes as she looked at him 'I'm sorry, I can't, you'll be okay though' her grip on his hand lessened.

'No, not without you' she started to move away from him as her fingers slowly slipped from his.

'You've managed so far' He tried to grasp them as they slipped away, trying to keep her with him. It was no use though, the gap between them was widening.

'No, no I haven't, I need you in my life' as she moved further away her image started to blend in the surroundings.

'Neela'

For a moment she was everywhere but nowhere, always just out of his reach.

'Please, I love you'

A chill descended on the room as she disappeared and his cry echoed into the silence.

'Roomie'

Something was pushing at his shoulder, gently shaking him, and he heard a voice calling his name softly. He let the voice drag him back to reality, hoping to escape the hell of his dream world.

'Ray, wake up, Ray, sweetie, its just a dream, its okay'

He slowly opened his eyes, and saw Abby kneeling in front of him, a look of worry on her face. His breathing was laboured, and he could feel dampness on his face from where tears had fallen, his heart was still pounding, and he could feel his body shaking 'Neela… she hurt herself… she didn't make it… Abby… she didn't make it' the tears started to fall again.

Through his tears he didn't see the look that Abby gave him.

'Sweetie, Neela's here, she… she cut her wrists… we're doing everything we can for her… we think you should be in there… she was asking for you'

His eyes closed again, was he really awake? Or was this another part of the dream? Was the dream coming true? He raised his haunted eyes to Abby's 'not a dream then; reality'