Same Disclaimer as before

Chapter 9

Should I stay or should I go?

As soon as Harry came onto the Grid again a couple of days after Adam met with Jools Siviter, Adam reported to him what he had been told by Jools. The two of them were alone in Harry's office.

"Harry, what do you want to do about Oliver Mace?"

"Nothing. I cannot stop him, or any of my other enemies for that matter, from coming after me, if they were hell bent on doing so. I don't want to stoop to his level and order him killed. We cannot go through life this way; otherwise there would be no end to the number of people we want eliminated. We live in a civilized society, we're better than that. I agree with Jools's assessment that any threat which Mace might pose has been neutralized. I will just have to be more careful in future."

Adam could see some logic in what Harry said.

"And Adam, please do me a favour and keep this information between us. It is not usually my style to keep anything from members of my team, but as far as Section D is concerned, the official story should be that I had somehow upset some Chinese gangs and that led to my being shot."

"But Jools has already spread this information in an attempt to discredit Mace. People will find out." Adam was a little puzzled as to the reason for all this secrecy.

"Jools may have his own reasons for wanting to leak information about the Mace connection. I cannot stop him from doing that. But I have my reasons. You see Adam, as soon as people know about Mace's plot to kill me, those who know about my history with Mace, especially people here on the Grid, will inevitably link this to Ruth's return. People will brand her as the woman who nearly got Harry Pearce killed."

At the mention of Ruth, Adam opened his mouth to speak but Harry went on.

"Yes, I know about Ruth. Given that there remains a possibility that she will come back to work for the Service, I do not want people to gossip about her over this incident. As long as I am head of Section D, I will not have her talked about in that way. She deserves better treatment than that."

"I guess you're right, Harry, I hadn't thought about that." Adam was relieved that Harry now knew that Ruth was back. It did not matter to Adam how or when Harry found out about this. Adam thought that it was a little impractical to assume that people would not gossip simply because the Head of the Section had decreed that they should not do so, but he would do his best to discourage any such gossip.

"I will deal with Ruth in my own way. I just need time to figure out a few things. So please don't tell Ruth about your conversation with Jools. I will explain everything to her, all in good time."

"Alright Harry, I won't say a word."

"Now, please bring in the others. I believe you have a few new ops to plan. Given that I am not back on a full time basis yet, I will let you take the lead on these and just sit in as an observer."


After Harry came home from his visits to the Grid, he spent a lot of time alone, thinking. Ruth noticed this. Sometimes he would look at Ruth in a funny way and looked away as soon as he was caught doing so. Mostly, he kept to himself, either in his study, or he would pace in the small backyard.

This is the first that he has taken to pacing again. Did anything happen after he returned to the Grid? What's troubling him now? Is he worried that he might be put out to pasture sooner than originally planned? After all, he did sustain some very serious injuries and has been dealing with memory loss; inevitably, the powers that be will think that maybe he is not up to the job anymore. I must call Malcolm to see if he knows anything.

Malcolm told her that other than recalling a lot of things which were work related, nothing else happened. Ruth thought that Malcolm sounded a little evasive. Perhaps he is in the middle of something else and cannot talk. I really should not bother him about my personal problems. Still, Ruth was worried and it showed.

A few days after Harry came back from his first visit to the Grid, John noticed that the sadness in Rachel's eyes was stronger than usual. When he found himself having coffee with Rachel in the kitchen again, he decided to speak his mind.

"As a psychiatrist, I notice a lot of things about people. I am about to make some comments, comments about you and Harry. If you think that its none of my business, Rachel, please tell me to shut up. But you should hear me out."

"I'm intrigued, John. Are you about to psychoanalyze me?"

"Well, I can't help but notice that your devotion to your patient goes above and beyond the call of duty."

"I try my best. I always believe that if it's a job worth doing, its worth doing well."

"But you have feelings for the patient that goes beyond the professional level and straight into the realm of the personal."

Ruth started to blush. What was this man trying to say? Should she tell him to stop right now?

"You have a personal interest in Harry, don't you? Except for love, there is no other motivation in the world for what you have been doing for him. I would even venture to say that your affections have not been reciprocated. Am I right?"

"Well, I umm, you might be … eh .. how can you …" As usual, Ruth stuttered a bit when she became nervous. She wanted to tell him that no, he was wrong, Harry did try to start a relationship with her, all those years ago, but she was the one who stopped him.

"Any first year psychology student can see through that. Without belittling whatever feelings you may have for Harry, have you considered the consequences? I mean, what if he cannot remember you, ever?"

"There is always that possibility," Ruth conceded, after considering that statement for a moment. "After all, we did not have that long a history. If it should come to that, I will just have to accept reality, won't I? I mean, its not as if I can do anything about it, given what you have said so far about not doing anything active to prompt his memory."

Ruth was not usually comfortable discussing her private life with someone she did not know well. But John Middleton was not just any one. He was an experienced psychiatrist, and Ruth thought that talking to him might help her deal with some of her own demons.

"It seems a shame that someone like you would stake all of your emotions on a person who might not be able to return your affections, not in the way you want anyway."

"Maybe I'm not looking for my feelings to be reciprocated. Right now, I just want to be with him, help him get better."

"You're doing a damn fine job there. But at some stage, you have to start thinking more for yourself. You know, sometimes if you take off the blinkers and look around you, you will see that there is a whole wide world out there, with many other possibilities."

Ruth gave him a quizzical look. John thought that he was going to lose it. That look, those eyes.

"John, why can't I just come out and tell him who I really am? The reason for keeping up a charade no longer exists, especially now that you have seen through it as well."

"That would not be advisable. If Harry still has some memory of your past together but he has no specific recollection of you in your former guise, he might end up resenting you for foisting this revelation on him."

"How can that be?" Ruth could not see the logic in what she had just been told.

"Harry is an honourable man," John Middleton began, "and when you tell him your real identity, he will accept what you say at face value. He might even feel obligated to reciprocate your affections. But he would be doing this to you as Rachel, not you as … I don't even know your real name."

Ruth remained silent. This conversation was not going the way she liked and she was not going to disclose her real identity to John, not now, not under these circumstances.

"As long as Harry is not sure about what he has been told, that it did not come from some deep recess of his mind, there will always be doubt on his part." John Middleton waited for a moment for this statement to take effect before going further. "I have seen that kind of doubt turn into resentment over time. For Harry, there will always be that nagging feeling that perhaps he should be with someone else. That's a huge risk there which I would not advise you to take. No, Harry has to recover his memories of you all by himself."

The last thing Ruth wanted was for Harry to resent her, for whatever reason, so she was very easily sold on this piece of advice.

"There are other possibilities for happiness, you know. You should get yourself out of this house and take a good look at the rest of the world."

"I'm not sure I can handle that at the moment, as long as Harry still needs me, even if its just as his nurse."

"Look, he is recovering from his wounds nicely. I'm sure he wouldn't mind if you had the occasional night off. How about I take you to dinner somewhere nice, you know, help you take the edge off things for a couple of hours? Just a dinner between friends, nothing else."

Ruth was very uncomfortable with the idea of leaving Harry alone, even for a couple of hours at night. She was not in a mood to explore other possible romantic liaisons, at least not until she knew for certain that it was completely over between her and Harry. She did not, for one moment, believe the "just dinner between friends" line.

"That's awfully nice of you to offer, thank you. Maybe we ought to wait a few more weeks before making plans of that sort. Harry still has the occasional nightmare," Ruth lied. Harry had ceased to have nightmares for some time now. "He refuses to take any sleeping pills. I wouldn't want anything to happen to him when I took time off."

John Middleton knew better than to press the issue. He was disappointed that he has failed, yet again, to take Rachel out. Not to worry, though, I will just have to be tenacious and wait for the next opportunity.

"Well, if ever you change your mind, you know where to find me."


A few days after Harry's third visit to the Grid, Dr. Middleton came for another one of his consultations but for once, Harry asked Rachel to give him some private time with the psychiatrist. Standing outside the door, Ruth felt excluded, unwanted and perplexed. I know both the life and medical histories of that man intimately by now, Ruth thought, what is it that I am not permitted to know by this stage? Did Harry develop some new symptoms? He had not mentioned anything to her. Her recent daily readings of his body functions had been normal. There was nothing wrong with either the heart rate or blood pressure. His lungs sounded wonderfully clear. Ruth had not noticed anything wrong with him. What can it be?

After an hour and a half, which was a longer consultation than usual, Dr. Middleton came out of Harry's study. Ruth saw him to the door. He did not seem to be interested in the usual cup of coffee in the kitchen.

"Well, I guess you won't be seeing much of me from now on. That was my last consultation with Harry. He is making very good progress and he just told me that I need not make any more house calls. I would not be surprised if he is back at work within the month."

"That's good to know. He must be very happy about this," Ruth said brightly, trying to mask her curiosity over what was discussed during that last session.

"Yes, he's a very lucky man." John Middleton had a funny look in his eyes when he said this.

Ruth thought that that last remark was a little strange. Of course Harry is lucky. He has recovered from some very serious injuries in a rather miraculous fashion. Most doctors gloated over their handiwork. This one here seemed to think that it was all down to luck.

"You know, I'm sorry we never had that dinner." John looked at Ruth, searching for some sign of similar regret in Ruth's eyes.

"That was very kind of you to offer, but with the demands of this job, I was never able to take you up on it. Maybe some day in future …" Ruth now felt a little embarrassed over the whole dinner offer.

As if all of this was not confusing enough, Dr. Middleton then reached over and gave Ruth a peck on the cheek. "I hope that you will be very happy …" He placed his name card with contact details in Ruth's hand and then he left.

Ruth stood in the hallway, turning over what just happened.

When she became more and more depressed over the way Harry had been behaving recently, she almost gave in and was on the verge of taking up that offer of dinner. Then she caught the nasty looks which Harry was starting to send her way whenever he saw that the doctor was still in the house. She felt pleased, but at the same time dismayed, that Harry might be jealous of Dr. Middleton. If you are capable of feeling jealousy, how many more steps do you need to take before you are able to connect all the dots and know me as who I really am? In the end, she never took up Dr. Middleton's offer.

Ruth herself felt a little sorry for Dr. Middleton. He looked like a sensitive enough man, and was a highly educated individual who could make her laugh. He would be a great catch for any woman. Just not her, though. For Ruth, its Harry or … ? Whenever Ruth's thoughts came to this subject, she reached an impasse. What if Harry did not remember her? What if Harry remembered her, but his affections had changed? What if Harry actually hated her since her return resulted in him almost losing his life? What if … what if … what if …?

Sometimes Ruth asked herself, what do you think you're doing? She had been given a second chance, to take back the life she used to have, and to stop living the life of a refugee, always glancing over her shoulders to see if an enemy lurked nearby. Any one would be satisfied with just that. Why then did she feel that she was entitled to entertain the romantic notion that she could resume something with Harry? Why was she doing all this? For love, for friendship, for what?

In the week which followed after Dr. Middleton's last session with Harry, things took a turn for the worse as far as Ruth was concerned. She noticed that the surveillance van had been pulled and she no longer had the agents to talk to during her day. Malcolm had told her over the phone that there was no longer a threat on Harry's life. This was not the sort of topic you would discuss over the phone, whether or not you had a secured line. So Ruth did not know how they had come to this conclusion, though she was pleased that the threat had been neutralized.

Harry had now returned to the Grid a few more times. Ruth felt lonely being in the safe house all by herself. It was not that she had nothing to do when Harry was away. For some time now, Malcolm had been sending her some low grade work to keep her occupied, updating databases and that sort of work. Ruth would complete her work, copy the results to an encrypted CD-Rom, and send these back to Malcolm via the pouches which now arrived almost on a daily basis for Harry. Ruth simply felt that apart from her nursing duties, she was no longer a part of Harry's life.

When Harry was at home, Ruth noticed that the phone rang more frequently than before. Harry always took these calls in the study. She knew that the callers were people from the Grid because sometimes she was the one who answered the phone before she passed it to Harry. As soon as the door to the study closed, Ruth had no idea what was being discussed.

This new situation was something Ruth had not previously anticipated. Since she came back, she had been so caught up with Harry getting shot and transforming herself into a nurse that she neglected to consider one aspect – what would life be like if she did not have any involvement in Harry's professional life?

In the beginning, Ruth had Harry all to herself. The man had been in a coma. When he came out of the coma, he needed time to regain mobility and strength so for a time, he was totally dependant on Ruth. These past few months in the safe house was as close to domestic bliss as Ruth could ever imagine if she lived with Harry as a couple. It was like the two of them were cocooned from the rest of the world. Looking after Harry as his nurse was not unlike the days when Ruth was working in Section D as one of Harry's trusted lieutenants.

Before Ruth left on her exile, she knew everything about Harry's work. Except for the short periods when she went home to sleep, shower and change, Ruth and the rest of the team were practically inseparable. They knew everything about each other's lives. Their job was the only thing Ruth and Harry had in common between them. If you took that away, would the remaining elements be sufficient to sustain a long and meaningful relationship?

Now, things were different and Ruth was not entirely sure she liked things this way. Wasn't this why his first marriage failed, Ruth wondered. With his professional life taking over again, Harry would not have time for a private life.

Harry grew more distant. Since he started receiving regular pouches from the Grid, Harry had more or less given up his nightly binge on news programmes. He now had his own private source of news. This meant that there was less opportunity for any discussion between the two of them, in the evenings, on affairs of the world in general, and other matters of interest in particular. They did continue their afternoon walks, but these no longer took place on a daily basis.

At first, Ruth resigned herself to the fact that this change was inevitable and she blamed herself for not having factored in this possibility in the overall scheme of things. Gradually, she became convinced that Harry was being deliberately aloof towards her, and this brought on a whole new source of worry for Ruth.

Perhaps Harry did remember her but wanted to exclude her from his life. After all, it was not Harry who had arranged for Ruth to come home. That could only mean one thing. He resented the fact that she came back, without prior consultation with him. Her return endangered his life. Maybe Harry could not forgive her for that. This possibility had been hovering in the back of Ruth's mind since the first time she had this discussion with Adam the day Harry was shot. She always tried to push it back but given the strange behaviour which Harry had been exhibiting lately, Ruth had to let this possibility take a more prominent position in her thoughts.

The feeling that was developing in Ruth's heart was not a pleasant one.


Today, Harry was behaving even more strangely than usual. A package came for him from the Grid in the morning, as usual. This was a smaller package than the others which had been arriving with monotonous regularity in the past few weeks. As usual, after the package arrived, Harry retreated into the study with the door closed. He had not said more than 10 words to Ruth all morning.

Ruth knew that her days as a nurse were numbered. With a heavy heart, Ruth decided that she should go upstairs to pack. Any day now, Harry would return to work, and he would no longer require a nurse. She might as well get ready for the inevitable conclusion to this little escapade. When the day of reckoning came, Ruth wanted to be able to get away as quickly as possible and avoid any tearful farewell scenes.

Ruth did not come home with a big wardrobe, and she did not acquire many additional pieces of clothing in the past few months. So all of her clothes and personal effects could fit in one suitcase. It did not take her long to finish packing and tidying up her room.

As for life beyond the safe house, she had been talking to Malcolm over the phone regarding a number of possibilities. If Harry did not remember her, it would be pretty strange for her to turn up on the Grid and announce that she was, in actual fact, an analyst. If Harry did remember her but resented the fact that she was the cause of his assassination attempt, there really was no point in working alongside each other.

Ruth felt like crying but could not. She had shed so many tears for so long over Harry that right now, Ruth did not think that she had any more tears left in her. As far as conclusions go, this might not have been the one she was hoping for, but it was as good a conclusion as any. Some things are just not meant to be, Ruth told herself. She took small comfort in the thought that at least she spent the past months helping Harry regain his health. Surely that was her penance for whatever sin she was supposed to have committed where Harry Pearce was concerned.

There was no mistaking the dull ache in her heart.

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