Same Disclaimer as before
Chapter 11
What are you doing the rest of your life?
"You know Ruth, I have been doing a lot of thinking these past few weeks."
"Really? I haven't noticed." It was Ruth's turn to tease.
"Getting shot this time, and losing and then regaining my memory, all of these things have given me a chance to take a long hard look at my life. As you know, through my job, I have seen enough treachery, deceit, duplicity and all shades of evil to last a few lifetimes. I have done things and made decisions which I was not proud of. They were all done in the name of protecting the country, for the greater good."
Ruth reached out and caressed Harry's cheek to let him know that she understood what he was trying to say.
"Self control, self denial …. These requirements have taken a toll on me. I don't think I can carry on with the job for much longer on my own. I have to know that for me, on a personal level, there is a point to all this, that there is some goodness in my life which counters the evil that I am mired in on a daily basis, goodness that I can wrap my arms around and which will give me strength to carry on."
Ruth looked into Harry's eyes and saw nothing but love and tenderness. Her own eyes started to tear up again.
"I need someone in my life, someone who makes all the sacrifices which the job demands of me worthwhile. You are that person, Ruth. You have shown me more love and devotion than any one else has in my entire life. You have gone through hell for me, not once, but twice. I cannot begin to express my gratitude …"
Ruth was not sure whether she wanted just gratitude from Harry, but at this moment, she will settle for simple gratitude. She lowered her eyes.
"Once we stopped the pretense of you being my nurse, I was not sure whether you would leave me again, you know, retreat to the position where you were simply my friend and nothing more. I don't want you to do that." Harry paused to gauge Ruth's response, but he did not get one immediately.
"If being with me still gives you joy, then please give me the chance to provide you with that joy for the rest of my life. I cannot bear to lose you ever again. I need you to be in my life, full time, so that we'd be a couple, a proper couple, if that's alright with you. I am not talking about just working alongside each other on the Grid."
"You mean move in together?" She finally looked up, with what Harry hoped was affection in her eyes.
"Yes, but I don't mean as just …" It was very unlike Harry to get tongue tied. He obviously wanted to say something else but had difficulty in getting the words out.
Ruth was curious as to why Harry appeared to be so inarticulate. She had just promised Harry that they would take the time to hear what the other had to say, so she gave Harry a chance to go on with his little speech.
"I was hoping that after all the tension of these past months, I might take you away on a trip to help you relax. That's why I reminded you of my plans for the grand tour. I know how hard these past few months have been on you. I only lost my memory, I was not also blind, you know."
"How can you go on vacation with me when you just said a moment ago that you are expected back at work soon?" Ruth was not seeing the logic in Harry's suggestion.
"I'm sure they will give me leave if I had to go on my … honeymoon." Harry was trembling, just a little, when he said this and he was getting red in the face. Whatever it was that he was trying to express, he knew that he was not doing a very good job of it.
Ruth immediately switched into nurse mode, putting her hand on Harry's forehead to see if he was feverish, and taking his wrist to get a pulse reading. "Your heart rate is very high, Harry, now calm down and take some deep breaths." Ruth was very concerned that Harry was talking nonsense. But was he? "Honeymoon? Harry, I, I had no idea you were going to get …" Ruth wondered if she had heard him right.
"Ms Evershed, will you do this old man the honour of marrying him?" There, he finally said it. Harry seldom, if ever, asked a question unless he already had the answer. This was one of those few occasions when he was not absolutely certain of the response he was going to get.
"You … I … you mean, me?" Ruth suddenly felt that the room was spinning. This was not happening. She must be so fraught with worry over Harry that she had inadvertently lapsed into another one of her daydreams. Any minute now she was going to wake up.
"Who else did you have in mind?" Harry must have rehearsed his proposal a million times in the last three days. He now wondered if he could have phrased it in another way.
Ruth was terribly confused. Not that long ago, she thought that she was out of Harry's life, forever. Now he was proposing to her. A part of her brain told her that she should be cautious and not rush into anything, but another part of her brain was busy telling her that she should be enjoying the moment, because Harry had started to plant little kisses on her face and neck. He started in the middle of the forehead and made his way down one side of her face. The kiss on her cheek left her gums all tingly.
Harry decided that it was necessary to explain himself more fully. "Its been nice, us living under the same roof these past few months. I figured that since we have already explored the 'in sickness and in health' part, then as long as you agree to be part of my life, we might as well formalize our relationship."
Ruth wanted to stall for time. Things were going too fast for her liking. "Marriage is such a big step. How can you be sure that I'd say yes? Isn't that quite a big risk to take, coming so soon after the events in recent months? If I declined your offer, it might create stress on your heart and …" As far as Ruth was concerned, the proposal was totally unexpected. She had been so busy lately worrying about whether or not she was going to be a part of Harry's life. Now this! How was it that she did not see this one coming?
"Darling, it is of course your prerogative to say no. I am not so presumptuous as to think that you will fall into my arms and accept my proposal unreservedly. But I have already given this matter a lot of thought. It is not some flippant suggestion or a spur of the moment thing. You see, you're not the only analyst here, I am also capable of doing some analyzing of my own."
"Oh really? This should be interesting." Ruth arched an eyebrow.
"As soon as I go back to work, it will be the same as before, working till all hours of the day and night, conversations and private times interrupted by the incessant ringing of the mobile phone. I don't want you to suffer any insecurities if I have to consistently break dinner dates, or if I were absent for long periods of time …"
"Harry, I don't need the security of a piece of paper …"
"Well I do! Once our relationship is out in the open, how should I introduce you to friends and colleagues? My girlfriend? That sounds so casual, and god knows our relationship is anything but casual. My lover? I know you wouldn't want that because it highlights the physical side of our relationship, and I know how much you dislike other people gossiping about your private life. Young people use the term "partner" or "life partner" these days. I don't like that term. If someone is your best friend, your lover and your life partner all at once, isn't there already a term which covers all of these aspects? Its called a 'wife'." Harry obviously had this all figured out.
"Wow, a marriage proposal by way of a process of elimination. How romantic! This is not at all how I imagined that I might receive a proposal one day, not that I was expecting one." Ruth was still not sure about Harry's proposal.
"Well, if you mean …" Harry fished a small velvet box from his trouser pocket. He opened the box and held it to Ruth. Harry came prepared.
"If you don't like it, or if it doesn't fit you, you can always take it back to exchange it for something you like, or resize it. I'm sure there's nothing wrong with the size. I borrowed one of your rings and traced its size on a piece of paper. I took it into a jewellery shop the last time I was in London and they delivered it this morning, together with the rest of the papers from the Grid." Harry had told the jewellers to pack the ring in a way that the package should not give any clue as to its contents.
"No, its alright, I love the design." Ruth touched the ring and felt almost giddy with joy.
"I chose sapphire as the main stone to bring out the blue in your eyes and the jewellers added in the diamonds on either side of the main stone."
The platinum ring was in an Art Deco design and featured a beautiful steely blue sapphire which complemented the cool sheen of platinum. The sapphire itself was rounded oval and as side stones there were six matched straight, graduated Baguette diamonds, three on either side of the main stone. The main stone must have been close to four carats in size, but it was not so big as to make the ring look gaudy on Ruth's hand. It looked like the kind of ring that Ruth would wear, only this one was not costume jewellery.
"It must have cost you a small fortune. What if I were to turn you down? You will have wasted all that money." Ruth was still looking at the ring as if it were something that might bite her if she touched it.
"Oh, I don't know about that. My job is demanding but I am well paid for it. Besides, I don't have any other extravagances in life. If you don't want it, I can always return it to the jewellers. I know the manager there quite well. … But I am not going to return it unless you tell me that you definitely don't want it, not now, not ever." Harry was worried, this is not going the way I had hoped. "Does that mean the answer is 'no'?"
Ruth hesitated before she responded. "No, I didn't say that." Ruth was still unsure. "There is so much about a life together that we have not yet discussed."
"Such as?" Harry continued to be concerned. Was she setting him up for a gentle rebuff?
"Well, what about children?" Ruth had never been particularly maternal, but somewhere at the back of her mind, she always thought that she would end up having children one day, though at her age, she was cutting it a bit fine.
Ruth was not entirely sure why she had raised the subject of children. What if Harry had said that he did not want to have children with her? Would she have turned down his proposal based on that aspect alone? Why was she so hesitant about his proposal when not too long ago, she was desperately trying to remain in Harry's life? This was all happening too quickly. She just needed a little more time to think …
"Yes, I knew you would want to consider that. I have given this matter some thought. You are right, whether or not we have children is a decision which must be made by both of us, together. I have no right to decide, on my own, that you cannot have children with me. However, you do realize, my love, that there is a significant age difference between us?"
"I swear if you keep on emphasizing how old you are, I will stop talking to you right now." Ruth was getting a little fed up with this emphasis on their age difference.
"No, we have to be realistic. If we do have children, chances are, I may not be around to help you cope by the time our children become angry teenagers. I don't like the thought of you becoming a single parent and handling those difficult times on your own. That must be one of the hardest things to do, especially if you also have a demanding job." What Harry said made sense to Ruth.
Harry let that comment sink in a little and then continued. "That said, I do recognize that you will want a family of your own, children to provide companionship in your old age, something to remember me by after I'm gone."
Ruth wanted to thump him on the chest. Why was he being so morbid today? But before her hand could hit him, he intercepted her hand with his and pulled her arm round his own neck so that she was caught in an embrace with him.
"What I'm trying to say is, I will not object, in principle, to us having children, as many as you want, as long as you understand the risks involved, and provided that you accept the only condition which I will place on this subject."
"What condition would that be?"
"If at any time you develop complications in your pregnancy and a choice has to be made between saving the mother or the child, I will always save the mother. This point is non-negotiable. We have gone through so much before we are able to be together. I don't want to live a life without you. I can't and I won't!" Harry was quite serious now.
"You have obviously given this whole marriage idea a lot of thought, haven't you?" Yes, that explained all the pacing in the study and in the garden, and the silent treatment. He had taken time to work all of this out.
"I will, of course, undertake parenting duties with the greatest enthusiasm." Harry wanted to add, "as long as I am still around", but thought better of it. "In particular, I will be delighted to be your accomplice in the baby making process. I do have clearance from my doctor to be engaged in that type of activity, you know." Harry said this with a twinkle in his eye and the widest grin Ruth had ever seen on his face.
So that must have been what he wanted to discuss with Dr. Middleton during his last session, and that was why he did not want Ruth in the room. Ruth could imagine how gutted John must have felt when Harry broached the subject of sex, as in how soon could he engage in sexual intercourse. John must have realized then that Harry did remember Ruth and still loved her. It also explained the strange behaviour of John Middleton when he said goodbye to Ruth.
Harry noticed that Ruth seemed to have drifted off somewhere, lost in her own thoughts. This was a worrying sign. Maybe it was time to change tack and take a slightly different approach. Back down a little, don't push her too hard. Whatever you do, Pearce, don't say or do anything that might make her run away again.
"You know, Ruth, you don't have to give me an answer straightaway. Take all the time in the world you need. I want you to be sure. Then again, don't take too long, I am not getting any younger and I don't know how many more times I have to get shot before you realize, as I have, that life's too short and you really ought to grab …" All of these words were said in the Pearce patented hushed, tender tones.
Ruth was feeling a little exasperated by all this talk of old age. "All this talk about our age difference. I wonder if this is what they mean by 'irreconcilable difference' in divorce proceedings nowadays. If you put "old" and "age" in the same sentence again, I swear I will not … " Ruth tried to look serious.
Harry gave her a quizzical look. "You can't talk about divorcing me unless you are already married to me." Something then occurred to Harry and his eyes lit up. "Does that mean the answer is 'yes'?" Harry's heart was thumping a little too quickly to be good for him, but he held on.
Ruth took a moment before she capitulated. "Alright … Okay … I mean, yes. If you ask me again, I'll retract …" Harry was now hugging her so tightly that Ruth struggled to take a breath. Harry then slipped the ring onto her finger. It fitted perfectly. Ruth's hand trembled a little.
"You do realize of course that a marriage proposal is like a kind of contract, that your acceptance, once given, is irrevocable."
"I see, you wanted a marriage licence to tie me down." Ruth fiddled with the ring on her finger. Harry's hand clasped around hers. He did not want to give Ruth the chance to take the ring off.
"No, that's not what I mean at all. I just felt that being married would give both of us a sense of permanence so that there would be no more doubt or guesswork, and we can get on with building a future together. If you wanted to leave, I guess no licence in the world would be able to hold you back. Why, are you thinking of leaving me again?" Harry became slightly worried; he had been doing so well up to now.
"No, I'm not going anywhere. I'm just fascinated by your obsession over a marriage licence. Most men would run the other way as soon as you mention the word 'marriage'."
"But I am not just any man, am I?" Ruth had to remind herself that the words 'honour' and 'integrity' were most often associated with Harry Pearce. "Before you accuse me of being bossy, overbearing and/or presumptuous, I should mention that you get to choose the design of the wedding rings and everything relating to the ceremony itself." Harry thought that this might please Ruth.
"Why that's very kind of you, Mr. Pearce," Ruth said with a little sarcasm. "I had rather assumed that you have already picked out the designs for the wedding invitations, not to mention the theme for the bridesmaids' dresses and all."
"No, no, as you know, with every op that I plan, I usually decide on the general theme and overall tactic, but I always leave the actual details to other members of my team."
"I see, you think of marriage as an op. How interesting." Ruth had decided that this must be one of the oddest and least romantic marriage proposals a woman could ever receive. To the extent that this was an op, she had been ambushed by Harry.
"No … I mean, yes … no I mean yes and no. You do realize that sometimes, you can be a very difficult woman to talk to." He did not mean it as a rebuke. "I was sick and tired of doing the tango with you, you know, whenever I take one step forwards, you would take two steps back. So in terms of methodology, I did approach it as if it were an op. To the extent that this is an op, it is the most important one in my life. You're upset now, aren't you?" Harry looked worried. He did not want to upset Ruth, not now, not ever.
"No, not upset, just bemused." Ruth gave him a reassuring smile.
"Well, I did try the romantic approach all those years ago and that just sent you running in the opposite direction. So this time, I decided to use the businesslike approach."
Yes, of course you would, Ruth noted, except you failed to mention that it was a two prong attack – start with the businesslike approach to appeal to the left side of my brain, coupled with kisses and caresses which sent the right side of my brain into overdrive.
Harry's lips have now made their way to the back of Ruth's left ear lobe, then the nape of her neck. Oh, I can get used to doing this on a regular basis quite easily, thought Harry.
"I mean it, my love, you can have the most lavish wedding in the world, if you so wish." Harry purred into Ruth's ear.
"No, I don't want anything fancy. There is no way I am going to put on one of those meringue like wedding dresses. I long for romance, yes, and to be courted and pursued. But I have never wanted a big traditional wedding. If you insist, lets just apply for the licence, and afterwards, if you want, we can have a small dinner with our close friends and colleagues."
Why is this woman so hard to understand? Harry sighed quietly to himself. Every time I thought that I had her all figured out, she would go and do or say something completely unexpected and I would have to revise my notes again. Most women would love to receive chocolates for their birthdays or other happy occasions, but not this one. Will I ever be able to understand her completely? Harry had never met a woman who did not dream of having a wedding with some degree of pomp and circumstance. He wondered whether someone like Jo Portman might be able to change her mind about not having a proper wedding. Then again, he did not know whether this was the sort of thing Ruth would discuss with a friend.
"If you're sure that's what you want. You can always change your mind. And don't worry about the romance quotient in this relationship. I will be courting you and flirting with you every day for the rest of my life, as if we just met. I am quite good at flirting, you know. I would do anything to make you happy."
"I am happy, my love, really. I don't need all the trappings associated with a wedding." She kissed him back.
Harry looked down on the slowly drying wet patch on the front of his polo shirt. He thought that it might be safe to bring up the subject of sex again.
"You know, I have always imagined what it would be like to exchange bodily fluids with you, but I never knew that it would be limited to your tears on my shirt."
This time, Ruth thumped him in the ribcage and he doubled over with pain, or pretended to. When Ruth realized what she had done, she immediately felt very foolish and checked to see if he was alright. Ruth was sure she had thumped him on the right side of his chest, not the left side where he had sustained his injury. Then she saw that he only pretended to be hurt, but before she could do anything further, Harry took the opportunity of grabbing her face with both hands and planting another long, passionate kiss on her.
They then spent the afternoon cuddling and kissing on the couch, and catching up on old times. Harry wanted to know all about what Ruth did and where she went during her exile. Now that they were free of all inhibitions, they found that they had endless things to say to each other. Some happy, some sad. Harry's heart broke when Ruth talked about having to look over her shoulders all the time and living as a different person. Harry knew that life on the run would be hard on a single woman. He had wanted to help, but did not know how or where to begin and the job always got in the way.
Harry then told Ruth about the identity of his assassins, Oliver Mace's part in his attempted assassination, and how Jools Siviter found out about it. He saw the look of fear and disgust in Ruth's eyes. He held her close and told her not to worry.
"We can't spend the rest of our lives worrying about what our enemies might do to us. That's why I told Adam I don't want to take any retaliatory action. From now on, I want to spend my life doing constructive, not destructive things. Like I said earlier, we should grab all opportunities offered to us in life for happiness whilst we can." Harry emphasized the point he was making by planting another kiss on Ruth.
Ruth was pleased that she had now been brought up to date on what had been happening in the outside world. She liked being held close by Harry. She wanted to stay that way forever.
The phone did not ring even once that afternoon. Ruth did not know that Harry had given instructions to his team that he was not to be contacted at all that afternoon.
Somewhere on the Grid, someone was running a book on what Harry was supposed to be occupied with that afternoon which necessitated a complete communication blackout. It was a foregone conclusion that it had something to do with Ruth, so people placing bets had to be specific as to what was going to happen to the two of them. When the book was closed at 12 noon, the book runner was surprised that there were quite a large number of bets on Ruth and Harry calling it quits altogether. It was not so much that the team wanted to see a breakup. It was just that the odds for a breakup were so much more attractive than those for a happy ending.
By 5 pm, Scarlett was getting bored with the action going on on that couch. Scarlett was thinking : what does a dog have to do around here to be taken for a walk? Harry got up to get Scarlett's leash. He then reminded Ruth of the promise she made the last time he complained about hospital food. As soon as he was well enough, he would be allowed to eat a proper meal in a proper restaurant.
"You know, I have been eyeing that little French restaurant on the high street when we used to go grocery shopping. Shall we stop by after our walk and see if they can fit us in for an early dinner? I think they have a seating area outside so they probably won't mind if Scarlett joined us."
Fidget was only 12 hours into his daily 18 hour beauty sleep. He opened his eyes when he heard the commotion made by the dog getting excited about her walk. Fidget got up, stretched, found another position, and carried on sleeping on the window sill.
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