Chapter 5: In which Mary Sue realises that the attention of a not-very-benevolent power isn't necessarily a good thing...
Mary Sue was quietly working on her course work when she realised that someone was trying to reach her via her messenger software. The name wasn't one she recognised, but she had a feeling she knew who it was. Who else would call themselves "SueSlayer"?
So, what did you make of their crapfics? she asked. And what did they make of the real Pern?
To use your preferred word, they were indeed particularly putrescent pieces of crap. Nevertheless, more names are required. Only half made it as far as Pern.
So, this power actually believed he'd sent them there. Huh. That was either impressive, or worrying. Or both. Setting aside her concerns for a moment, Mary wondered what had happened to the other three.
What, did some of them opt for Cottman IV instead? Or Valdemar? Or heaven forbid, Hogwarts?
We have other teams working on those fandoms, the messenger elucidated. But you'd think, with all the emphasis on clear visualisations in the books, they'd know better.
We both know very well how unlikely that is! Mary replied. But simple teleportation doesn't have the same hazards as between, surely? I mean, it's not like they're going to suffocate en route... How come they didn't get there?
They got taken where they asked to go.
Which was WHERE...? Mary typed impatiently.
One requested "the Rukbat System". However, she neglected the precaution of a spacesuit, and expired in short order. "In Pern" was another poor choice.
Mary felt a shiver run down her spine. This didn't sound good. She'd thought this was all some kind of joke to start with, but it didn't seem that way anymore. Not knowing what to do next, she watched numbly as SueSlayer went on.
Do you have any idea how much that taxes our power? Opening a rift into the centre of a planet is a dangerous business, you know.
"I'm sure that it is," she muttered numbly.
Glad you appreciate our efforts. As for the fifth. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Mary was so perturbed by the typed laughter - a string of ROFLs or LOLs would have been less chilling - that it took her a while to realise that SueSlayer seemed to have heard her. Definitely NOT a good development.
Number 5, little miss block-paragraphs-of-doom, well, she foolishly requested to be "in the actual Pern books".
Mary winced. "And?" she whispered, morbidly curious.
Her nearest copyright library has some unusual puddles in its stacks. Many of the surrounding books have suffered damage, but our logistics department has seen to the cost of sending replacements and a cleaner. We can't abide damage to BOOKS, you know.
Starting to feel very creeped out, Mary consoled herself that three of them had made it to Pern. Even if it wasn't quite what they expected, at least they'd got to visit their favourite fictional planet. She went to type a query on her messenger, and then decided against it. Asking aloud seemed to do well enough, and was less likely to be logged somewhere.
"But the other three are okay, aren't they?"
We need more names. Details of their new lives on Pern will be forwarded on receipt.
"I'm not sure..." she said slowly. Three out of six living a new life wasn't a great record.
Your unwillingness to comply is noted. However, your e-mail correspondence and sporking records will suffice in the interim.
"WHAT!" Mary gasped. "You can't just..."
We can.
"You have to warn them properly! Promise me you'll do that, else I'll warn them myself."
Very well. Revised text will be supplied for your approval. Any changes you suggest will be implemented. Further action on your part will not be necessary.
Not be necessary? Mary wondered what she could possibly do in the event that it was...
