Chapter 7: In which Mary Sue joins a bulletin board weyr she'll never be able to forget, no matter how much she wishes she could.


Crystel-sparkle Wyer! Now with zebra-striped dragons!

The blank persona sheet hung in front of Mary's eyes like a... a grimy toilet, in dire need of Cillit Bang? She hadn't even begun to fill in the blank spaces, and it was already a work of horror. Well, it was only going to get worse. First things first, she needed to devise an appropriate name.

Charrie's name! --- Kyllyryanna Moonshadow ---

There, that'd do nicely. She'd be sure to spell it several different ways in the "charrie biogaraphy" section, maybe add a middle name and an identical male triplet there too. One had to blend in, after all.

Charrie's star sign! --- ---

Charrie's birthstone! --- ---

Charrie's favrite color! --- ---

Charrie's ideel 1st date! --- ---

Charrie's pet's favrite food! --- ---

Ughhh.. WTF? Aside from wanting to vomit every time she saw the word "charrie", what was the relevance of all this? It looked like someone had had a major sugar-trip doing OkayLover! tests, and wanted the whole world to do likewise. Still, coming up with a few random details wasn't exactly the chore of the century. Mary swiftly cobbled a handful of words together, mentally saving her strength for the later sections of the form. The six-generation family tree wouldn't be too bad; judging by the genealogy of the existing denizens of Crystel-sparkle Weyr, they weren't meant to make sense, or even be biologically plausible. No, it was the "biogaraphy" that'd take most of her effort.

Kylylyryana was born on the thrid day of the thrid month of the thrid year of the thrid pass, in the shadowy moonlight of all three of Pern's moons.

A between-times accident could explain her sudden appearance in the 9th pass, but dates like that were worth using! And if they had a problem with the extra moon, then... no. They'd never even notice. Anyway, on with the form.

She was the daugther of the Lord and Lady of Rautha Hold, and a talented Harperess. Kylrylanna was a master singer, and walked the tables aged 9 and 15 because everyone loved her singing sooooooo much! lol! She was also a tallented smith, and was stronger than the strongest men, and they all asked her advise, but she didn't make much stuff except for fancy joolery 'cos she didn't want nasty big mussles. When Kylyanala was 14, her identical twin brother...

Mary smothered a laugh. As if the normal rules of biology were meant to apply to fandom Sues!

...was searched for Benden Wyer, and he impressed twin bronze dragons! Kyllyryanna-lia was sad to see him go, but lerned she could here all dragons, and was given twelve flit eggs as a reward for saving Ramouth's clutch from the evil Lord Chalken, but before they could hatch she was atacked by a mysterous stranger and had to call the dragons to rescue her, and they did but she was so badly hurt that she nearly dyed, and she didn't speek for a whole turn. When Kylyranna-lia was 14 and a 1/2 she won the acclame of all Pern for singing the Ballad of Lorana in evry hold on Pern...

Mary stopped watching the words appear on her screen. This was far, far too painful! Sometimes, the ability to touch-type could be a decided disadvantage. Dropping her gaze to her keyboard, she switched off auto-correct and added an entire page of painful run-on. By the end of it - an end which broke off suddenly mid-sentence - any pretense at sanity had vanished, and Kyllyrya-whatsit had a deeply twagic past that would put any Sue to shame. Fortunately, it was easily matched by the audacity of her implausible "tallents". Still, there was something missing. Ah yes.

Mary held her breath, re-positioned her cursor, and added a single word mid-way through.

SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111eleventy!LOL!

Perfect.

And with gold/silver striped Annayryllykth already impressed to the Sue, she could jump in and start playing as soon as the approval arrived. A few quick posts, and then she could start trying to get SueSlayer's attention. They'd be looking here, for sure - Crystel-sparkle "Wyer" had spawned many, many sue-thors in the past, and the next victim was bound to be around here somewhere. And if not? Someone would know where Mary could try next.