CSI: Texas Chronicles: Finding Nick
A/N: ShadowCat, you haven't missed a beat yet! And don't worry folks, fluff is on the way soon! Our recent conversation about giving up on The Love on The Fort over at talkcsi(dot)com entered this story just a bit here. So, I suppose, if you're looking for Greg's thoughts on giving up, well, they're here! And btw, when I said this was post GD, I meant that, literally.
Nick took the hammer to the nail in the wood with all his might, using strength he wasn't sure he had anymore and letting it all out until the nail had completely bitten into the wood up to its head. He grabbed the last nail he needed and began again for the hundredth time until the board was firmly in place. He felt himself trembling when he was finished. He knew he had to stop this crazy, relentless working but he couldn't. Not on his own. And the one person who'd ever been able to calm him down was far away and out of his life. But that was a good thing. He didn't want Greg to have to worry about him all the time.
He turned away from the cabin to wipe the beads of sweat from his forehead with the back of his sleeve when he saw him. He couldn't tell how long he'd been standing there but it was evident he'd been there awhile, watching him work. The hammer hung, loosely, in Nick's grip at his side. His feet felt like they'd grown roots into the ground. He could only stare at the other man. He couldn't move, he couldn't speak.
And then Greg was standing right in front of him, his big brown eyes looking worriedly into his own. His hand rested on his cheek and Nick knew he wasn't strong anymore. His trembling grew worse but somehow Greg's hand managed to keep him standing and grounded.
He couldn't do this. Greg couldn't be here as much as he might have wanted him to be.
"I still love you," Greg whispered.
He wasn't doing this. He wasn't. Greg would only hurt himself in the end if he continued this.
"No, Greg... just... no."
Nick wanted to turn away and go back to work, pretend this hadn't happened. But he couldn't. Greg's hand was still on his face, cradling his cheek.
"You're not turning me away, Nicky. I didn't walk four days straight just for you to turn me away."
"Why are you here?" Nick's voice came out as a squeak.
"I can't believe you're asking me that. I love you. You can't turn your back on that. I won't let you."
Nick sucked in a deep breath. "You're too late."
"Your demons won't go away if you ignore them."
"I don't have demons, Greg."
"Don't bullshit yourself," his choice of words might have implied he was angry, though his voice was soft, and the look in his eyes said he was anything but. It wasn't pity Nick was looking at, pity he'd been sure he'd find, if Greg knew the truth. Instead, all he saw was love mixed with worry and concern. "Gil almost kicked me off the team indefinitely. I missed you too much and I've been worried about you. I know Catherine thinks I'm angry and all this other stuff. But I'm not. I can't be. Though it doesn't change the fact that they can't stand to be around me when you're not there."
"Move on."
"What?"
"This is me officially telling you to move on without me. Find someone new to fill my space." It was hard for him to spit the words out, but he knew he had to. "I quit and I moved out here so no one can bother me. I don't want a relationship."
Greg's gaze penetrated his soul through his own eyes like only Greg could.
"I don't believe you. You moved out here so no one could bury you in a box again."
Nick suddenly felt like a deer in the headlights of an oncoming hummer. "No. You distract me at work. I can't be around you," He knew he was hurting him on purpose, and he hated himself for it, but it had to be done. Greg had to go home where he belonged.
An underlying fierceness joined the mix of emotions in Greg's eyes. "You can lie to me all you want, Nicky, but I'm not gonna give up. Not until I see honest proof you don't want me. And right now, I'm seeing nothing but the exact opposite. Your mouth is saying one thing but your eyes and your body are telling me something else."
"Please go home," Nick tried.
"I've got two weeks off and you're stuck with me until they're up. So you've got a little over a week now to convince me you don't truly love me anymore. Then I'll walk away. But only then. Because I know you didn't want to leave Vegas. You didn't want to leave what we had. I know."
Nick knew his willpower couldn't last that long. But with Greg, he also knew he didn't have a choice in whether he stayed or not.
He faltered, "it wasn't you, Greg... I... I'm not the person I used to be... I don't know how to say this." He looked down at his feet, feeling like a shy little boy who'd done something wrong. And he had. He'd lied to Greg. Every time his boyfriend had asked if he was ok he'd said yes. He never told him how far his fears went, never told him about the nightmares. Just now he'd admitted something he'd promised himself he never would to anyone. Greg could do that, could pull things out of him he was unwilling to give up, which was part of the reason why he left. Greg made it increasingly difficult to lie the worse things became, like his nightmares and the tough cases that nearly broke him until he couldn't do it anymore.
"You don't have to say anything. I'm not blind, Nicky. I never have been. I've been trying to find a way to help you but you just kept pulling away from me and then you left. I'm really not as angry as everyone thinks I am because I know what's wrong."
"How can you be so sure?" Nick was skeptical. He'd never told anyone his deepest, darkest fears. Not even Greg, the one man he loved, the one he should have told so long ago.
Greg swallowed the obvious lump building in his throat and managed to get out the words he'd been keeping locked up inside for far too long, "Nicky, we lived together. We slept together. How can I not know? Your nightmares woke me up too. I just never said anything because I knew you didn't want me to know about them. It broke my heart to know you were fighting your demons alone so I finally got the courage to come here and spill my guts to you because I needed to, because you needed me to. I'm here because I love you and you can't turn me away."
While he'd been pounding the hammer to the nail a short while ago Nick had felt stronger, but now, with Greg in front of him, holding him, he felt weak. All he really wanted was Greg's arms wrapped around him, but he knew he couldn't have that anymore. He had to tell himself no. He'd turned Greg away, so why would Greg want him back? If he didn't want him back... why was he there? Why did he walk that distance just for this?
The truth was, he wanted Greg to hate him for lying to him and leaving him. But Greg had already said more than once that he still loved him and it was clear he knew he was fighting an uphill battle to change Nick's mind, but he seemed determined. Nick would have to be just as intent on keeping Greg away because he knew there was a part of him that was still wrapped around his boyfriend's finger, as much as he didn't want to admit it.
"Don't tell me you came all the way out here with nothing but the clothes you're wearing. And why are you wearing my A&M football t-shirt?"
"I didn't. I've got a bag over there. And your mom leant me half your wardrobe. I didn't pack for a camping trip, and she took pity on me when I found out you weren't at the house. I hope you don't mind."
Oh, no, Nick didn't mind. In fact he had to admit Greg looked adorable in his shirt. So cute, he had to remind himself where his current priorities were.
"Whatever. I don't really wear that stuff anymore anyway. Look, I've got work to do. I'm not out here to daydream. So you can either help me or go sit somewhere."
"You need to relax, hun. All this work and no play makes you..."
"Dinner's at dusk and bedtime is after that. There's no playtime. I told you, I'm not here to fool around."
"Fine," Greg looked defiant. "What's for dinner?"
"Beans and rice."
Greg blanched. "I think I've got a can or two of soup left. Should taste better."
"I don't eat soup. Beans and rice or you go hungry. Remember, I didn't ask you to come out here. But you're here so you've got to live by my rules."
Greg sighed. "Ok, fine."
His hand dropped from Nick's face and it was as if a life-giving force had been taken from him. Nick grabbed another board and began hammering it into place with renewed vigor, trying hard to erase the crippled feeling that overwhelmed him as Greg had stepped away to get his bag.
When Greg dumped his pack by the door and moved to hold the wood for him he didn't say anything. He planned on not talking much, if at all, while Greg was there. It was the best tactic he could think of to get him to leave. If only he could keep his mouth shut and his hands to himself. Greg was right, however. He kept telling himself he needed to be alone to work out his issues, though it hadn't done any good so far, and his body was craving touch from another human being. He needed someone to hold him... someone special... someone who was standing only a few feet away.
Making sure there was at least two yards between them at all times, Nick hammered away, slowly chiseling at his life with each blow.
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