Yes, I know this chapter isn't as long as the one before, but I really wanted to get it up today. (Did you notice? It's April 23rd, the same day I started this last year!) I'm sorry if this isn't very good, I wanted to get it up.
Special thanks to LDstar for giving me ideas and Yiruma for writing music that made my imagination run wild.
-I don't own Naruto.
Chapter 12: Letting Go
Part 1: Rivalry
I guess I was lucky because Sasuke gave me more space than Kakashi did, but then again, he was out training most of the time. Naruto was busy training too, so it was usually quiet. I felt disappointed because I was the only one in my team that didn't pass the first parts of the exam, but I couldn't do anything about it anymore. Sasuke wouldn't let me train until I put on some weight, and even then, I bet he would watch me so I didn't push myself too far. For the most part, things were pretty boring.
I was out taking a walk around the markets when I heard the voice of my former best friend.
"Hey forehead, what are you doing here?" Ino yelled at me.
I sighed before I answered. "Hey Ino, I'm just out taking a walk."
"You should come to the flower shop with me! It's not busy nowadays, and plus, we haven't talked in a while!"
"…Sure, why not?" I mumbled. Ino was the one who usually did all the talking, so all I had to do was listen.
I followed her as she walked through a door to the backroom.
"So, what's up?" I asked.
"You wouldn't believe it!" she started. "You know how you've been dieting? I decided that I should lose a few pounds too, just so I looked a little bit nicer. I started a few days before the exam, and I've already lost 5 pounds!" Her energetic voice announced.
"That's great, Ino…" I commented.
How much did she weigh now? Ino always weighed less than me before. Of course, ever since I've been anorexic, I became less than her, but what about now. What if, she kept shedding off the weight, and I gained instead? I wanted to stay less than her. She already had beauty. Her hair wasn't bright pink, it was blonde, and who likes pink hair more than blonde? Her forehead is normal, too. Her body… it used to be prettier than mine, but not anymore. I finally had something she didn't. I wasn't going to lose that.
With Sasuke breathing down my back, telling me to eat more so I could gain more weight to be "healthy," I couldn't possibly stay less than her. And I finally got some kind of attention from him by losing weight, so would Ino steal that attention away from me? Once I was fat again, would Sasuke leave me for a skinnier Ino?
While I was thinking, Ino was still talking. When she stopped, I didn't notice until she started waving her hand in front of my face.
"Hey Forehead? Sakura, are you even listening to me?" she asked.
"Oh, sorry Ino… I was just thinking about something…" I murmured.
"You know if you want to say something, just say it. What's going on with you, anyway? At the exam, Sasuke was being a little protective of you. Is anything going on between you guys?" She smiled deviously.
"Nothing has really happened… Sasuke… is being himself," I said.
Was there anything going on between him and me? During the exam, there was that mark that grew all over him… and then he was mad at me, but then when it was gone, he kissed me. Not to mention, he said he cared about me, but did that really mean anything?
"So the whole "my teammate is hurt" thing he pulled wasn't anything?" she smiled wider. "Sakura, are you hiding something from me?"
I shook her off. "It's nothing Ino. We're just teammates."
"Fine, fine, if you don't want to tell me, then you don't have to," she pouted. "But since you think I'm so boring, lets talk about you."
I looked at her, shocked. "I have nothing to talk about…"
"Sure you do!" she encouraged. "How much weight have you lost? You're looking a lot thinner than before. Maybe kind of corpse-ish, but if you're happy with it, its okay."
"I don't know… around 15 pounds altogether?" I lied. I probably lost around 30, but I would never tell her that.
"Oh, my, gosh. Sakura, That's amazing! No wonder Sasuke likes you! Wasn't it hard? I mean-"
"Hold on a second. Sasuke doesn't like me. Where'd you get that idea?" I stiffened.
"Well, at the chunin exam, he was acting… different," she said. "Anyways, I guess I should get going if you've already lost that much! The diet pills should get me through it in about a month, though. "
"You've been on diet pills?" I asked, surprised.
"Yeah. If you were listening to me before, maybe you would've picked that up," she pointed to a small box on the edge of the counter. "It's my first time using pills, but these are working for me."
The bell on her door rang, saying that there was a customer. "Hold on a second."
"It's alright, Ino. It's getting late, I should head home," I lied again. I wasn't going home until I picked up a box of the same pills. "It was fun, we should do it again sometime."
Ino waved to me as I walked out the door, but I ignored her. The only thing going on in my mind was the thought of getting my hands on the medicine. Maybe I could sneak them along with the throwing up I started. Sasuke wouldn't know. That is, until he weighed me, but if it meant holding onto the body I had now, it was okay.
Part 2: Broken Promises
When I got home, I attacked the box, franticly trying to get it to open. A small white capsule fell out on my hand, and I popped it into my mouth. Paranoia fell on top of me. Sasuke would be here soon, so I had to hide the pills fast. The container was hidden in the very back corner of the cabinet. Once I finally put it away properly, I sighed in relief, wondering what to do next.
I turned to the refrigerator reluctantly. The box was full of my enemy. Calories. Sasuke wasn't someone who liked sweets, so everything in there was healthy, but I couldn't help but grimace at the sight. I pulled out an apple from the shelf and took out a knife to cut it. The slices were chopped perfectly; each one equal in it's thin size.
I picked one and bit it in half. I loved the sweet taste that melted in my mouth, but at the same time I hated it. Sasuke walked in on me chewing slowly on my second slice, nodding as he passed, which made me feel a lot worse. Ever since he's lived with me, I couldn't keep food down.
"What do you want for dinner? I'll cook something…" I pathetically tried to break the silence.
"I don't care," he replied, walking away.
I left the still full plate of apples to cook rice with a boiled egg on the side. I made my portion about a fourth the size of Sasuke's, but he wouldn't mind as long as I ate. Now that I had the pills, I was going to refrain from purging.
In about 5 minutes, I had the table set, and Sasuke was walking out of the bathroom. He watched me until I took my first bite, and then started eating. My head was killing me. The meal was probably around 220 calories, which was too much for me. Sasuke finished before me, as always, and started on the apples.
When he finished, he left to the guest room to rest. Even though we never talked about his training, I knew Kakashi wasn't being easy on him. We usually ate in silence unless I was refusing to eat.
At the beginning, I would stay in my room all day. Sasuke would leave food on the counter, and when he got back, if it was still there, he would make me eat even more. I was scared to throw up because last time I tried, my throat was killing me, but as soon as it became habitual, it didn't bother me anymore.
I turned to the plate of apples, finding out that two slices were still left. I sighed and stuck one in my mouth while I threw the other one away. Of course, Sasuke would know, but I didn't care. I had enough food for the day. Over 200 calories was more than enough to keep down.
That night, my stomach wasn't cooperating with me. I felt heavy. It was like my stomach grew from dinner. I climbed out of bed to the bathroom where I debated whether I should purge or not.
I didn't want to, because I already took the pill, and that was bound to keep the weight off. And, Sasuke was being nicer. But at the same time, I didn't want food inside of me. It felt gross inside of me.
My toothbrush was in my hand, telling me to stick it down my throat. I pressed it against the back of my mouth, but quickly pulled it away. Tears immediately came into my eyes, tipping out down my cheeks. I started coughing, forgetting that Sasuke was asleep.
"Sakura, are you okay?" he opened the door, finding me leaning on the bathtub, in front of the toilet, with a toothbrush in my hand. "What are you doing?"
"I'm sorry, Sasuke…" I mouthed. "I couldn't… It just felt…" I stuttered.
"So this is what you've been doing? Eating, and just throwing it all back up?" he shouted. "Do you even care about your own health? Does it even matter to you that you're going to die?"
He grabbed me, and pulled me up.
"I can't, I just can't," I choked.
"Look at yourself, Sakura. Your bones are clearly visible. You can hardly walk. Your skin is pale. You hardly ever smile or talk anymore. It's like you're a totally different person," he listed. "What happened to the old, healthy Sakura?"
I pushed him away. "She's locked away. She was an outcast," I shot back. "Healthy means fat. Now that she's gone, she can fit in. She can actually be partly perfect."
"I don't want to hear it, Sakura. I'm tired of your excuses," he quieted me. "I can't watch you every single second, but there's a place where someone can. The hospital."
"You can't make me go there!" I yelled. "I'm fine the way things are now."
"You call this fine?" he lunged towards me, pinning me against the wall. "I could easily break you right now. You've become even weaker than before."
I closed my eyes, shaking my head in disagreement.
"I don't know what else to do with you."
"Don't make me go… I don't want to go…" I desperately murmured. "I'll be good… I promise."
"How can I trust you?" he put his hand through his hair, frustrated. "You say something, and do the opposite."
"I want to get better, I really do… It's just, I can't stand the feeling…" I added.
"This is your last chance, Sakura," he left the room.
As soon as he turned the corner, I fell to my knees. Everything I just worked for was going away. Sasuke wouldn't let me hold onto it anymore. A part of me was happy about going back, though. Maybe I wouldn't be thin, but I could at least smile without it being fake.
I finally found a small amount of strength inside of me, and I walked out to the kitchen, going straight for the cabinet. That night, the food wasn't going anywhere. I could start being good tomorrow, but until then, I wanted to keep as much weight off as possible.
"Sakura, wake up," Sasuke shook me.
"What time is it…?" I mumbled.
"Around 5, now get up. You're coming with me to training today. I'm not leaving you at home."
"Ugh…" I sat up, rubbing my eye.
"Be ready in 5 minutes."
"…Fine."
Sasuke brought lunch for the both of us. I was still half asleep when we got to the training grounds, so I decided to nap because both Sasuke and Kakashi wouldn't approve of my training.
I woke up to the sound of chirping birds, only to see that Sasuke had a ball of lightening in his hand. He jammed it into the side of a mountain, leaving a huge dent. Kakashi noticed me when I woke up, and told Sasuke to take a break. While Sasuke went off to the river, Kakashi walked over to me.
"So, how are things with you?" he asked.
"…I'd rather not talk about it," I replied.
"Not so good, huh? Sasuke said you've been eating a little, though."
"You don't know all of it… He caught me when I was about to purge yesterday…"
"I see… Well, today's a new day," he handed me one of the bento boxes.
The box was about half-full, so I thought I could eat it okay. Eventually, I would battle my stomach again, but I thought I could get over that. The three of us ate in silence, but I was used to it by now.
So far, Sasuke and Kakashi were being nice about everything. I was leaning more towards the getting better side rather than losing more weight now. Of course, it wasn't going to be easy, but at least I wasn't going against my own will anymore.
I have a few ideas for the next chapter. (It was supposed to be a part of this one, but I couldn't write fast enough...) So I'll try to update in about a month again. No promises.
Thanks for reading!
