Dearly Beloved
Chapter 24
After Sally left town, Jamie's absences from the ranch were even more pronounced. Everyone assumed he needed the time to get over her, and gave him the space he desired. He had even taken to sleeping away at night, taking a bedroll down to the creek and camping out in the spot he was planning to build his house on. This upset Lou more than anything, believing her son to be pining for Sally and regretting not asking her to marry him as everyone expected. But Jamie was stoically silent on that point, and made it quite clear to the family that he didn't wish to discuss Sally Johnson.
Beth was relieved that she saw little of Jamie in the weeks that followed. She had all but convinced herself that she was misremembering the look in his eyes in her bedroom, or the words, so far unspoken, that scared her with their ability to change everything between them. Beth decided she was mistaken about Jamie and that her less than charitable thoughts about he and Sally were just confusing her, leaving her feeling guilty and foolish. Besides, she reasoned, if it were anything else Jamie would have subsequently spoken to her. But, on the few occasions he did share a meal with the family or stopped at the ranch long enough to play with Hannah, he acted as if nothing had happened. He was as polite as he had always been with her, if distant and impersonal. The one time he had come upon her alone in the kitchen, he had immediately walked out of the room to avoid any awkwardness. She had been grateful at the time, but since then had grown saddened by the fear that their relationship would never be the same again.
How he would act at the church social that evening concerned her, as she readied herself for the dance. She had almost begged off going at all, having avoided most social occasions in the past year as a proper widow should. But it was the last dance before Charlie's wedding and her sister-in-law had been quite adamant that everyone would be going. If nothing else they needed the dancing practice, Charlie reasoned, when Beth had hesitated in accepting.
"You and Jamie make sure you get in plenty of dancing tonight," she instructed, walking into Beth's room without knocking.
Beth glanced up from her dresser where she was fixing her hair. "What do you mean?" she replied defensively.
"Pa was supposed to be Ben's best man, but he's got to give me away. Which means Jamie's the next in line and you've got to dance with him," Charlie explained patiently, looking over Beth's shoulder into the mirror and straightened the ribbon in her own hair. "So, tonight's the perfect opportunity to practice."
"I know how to dance, Charlie," Beth said darkly.
"Good." Charlie flashed her a nervous smile, oblivious to Beth's mood. "How do I look?"
"You look beautiful. Why are you so worried?"
"Those cats are going to be out tonight, all talking about Ben and me," said Charlie grimly. "Yesterday Ruth O'Connor asked me how my old man was."
"Ben's not old."
"I know that."
Beth stood up and gathered her shawl from the bed. "Ignore them, they're just jealous."
"I know that too." Charlie didn't sound very convinced. "I just want everything to go smoothly. I want the wedding to hurry and happen so we can start our life together."
"Everything will be fine, Charlie. You'll see." She smiled to reassure her. "You've planned it to within an inch of its life, nothing's going to go wrong."
"Hope you're right."
"Come on, let's go."
Beth checked on Hannah who was staying at home with Mrs. Greig, then they met everyone else in the yard and began piling into the wagon for the trip to town. Ben took Charlie ahead in his own wagon as Ethan and Jake scrambled into theirs. Beth was about to climb after them when Jamie wordlessly appeared at her side and helped her up. She was about to thank him when he walked away without giving her a second glance. She wasn't sure what was worse, Jamie ignoring her completely or the cool way he treated now, not bothering to even look her in the eye. Beth's cheeks burned a little as she sat next to a chattering Jake.
The church was brightly lit and music already emanated from its open doors and windows when they arrived in town. The dance had attracted a crowd that night, and Beth could see Charlie nervously grip Ben's arm as they stood waiting for the family to join them. They had not been to a dance or similar event since they'd gotten engaged and it was obviously weighing on Charlie's mind. Never one to pay much attention to what her old classmates thought of her, she nonetheless feared their scorn and disapproval. Her choice of husband had raised a few eyebrows in town, when the prevailing thought was she could have had Dan Lawson if she'd bothered to be a little nicer to him.
"You'll be fine. Just smile and be polite," Beth whispered to her as they entered the church.
Charlie threw her a despairing glance before planting a smile on her face and sweeping inside on Ben's arm. After they had been greeted by their friends and other townsfolk Beth took a seat with Lou and Melanie and watched as Charlie and Ben were surrounded by people offering their congratulations. She was pleased to see that, after her initial nervousness, Charlie actually appeared to be enjoying herself. No one could mistake the look of pride and love in Ben's eyes as he looked at his fiancée, which was reflected in Charlie's visage. Beth knew she wouldn't have to worry about them anymore.
Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. Jamie, no longer spoken for, attracted the attentions of many of the young women. It reminded Beth of a dance not so long ago when she and Adam had laughed about his popularity with the ladies. This time she did not laugh. Jamie danced with girl after girl, not asking her to partner him all evening. She knew she shouldn't mind but every now and again he would glance at her, as if checking to see if she was watching him enjoy herself. She felt herself growing annoyed even if she couldn't explain why. As it was she had plenty of time to sit and watch everyone else as none of the other men asked her to dance. She knew she could have worn something else other than a mourning gown, but the jet black dress had matched her mood and it was the perfect deterrent for them to leave her alone. As it was only Kid insisted she join him on the dance floor.
They finished a reel, leaving Beth breathless and realizing she was out of practice when it came to dancing. They had ended up on the other side of the hall, and Beth saw Jamie and a young woman next to them.
"I'm afraid that's it for me," Kid puffed, when the next dance was announced.
"Me too," Beth replied, steadfastly refusing to look at Jamie.
"Don't be silly. Jamie," he said, tugging at his son's sleeve. "Dance with Beth."
"Really, I don't-" Beth stuttered. "Jamie's obviously otherwise engaged."
"I'm sure April won't mind," Kid said jovially. "Will she, son?"
"Well, I–" muttered Jamie, but his father wasn't listening.
"You two are supposed to be practicing!" said Charlie as she danced past in Ben's arms.
"You heard the boss." Kid clapped his hand on Jamie's shoulder then disappeared among the dancers, crossing the room to rejoin Lou.
Jamie said something in the ear of the young woman which caused her to giggle and walk away. Then he stood by Beth's side, making no move towards the dance floor. Instead they watched the others for a while, Beth with a forced smile on her face that she knew must have looked inane.
"So, are we going to do this, or what?" Jamie eventually blurted out rudely. He still had not looked at her.
Beth's smile hardened at his tone. "Such a charming invitation, James," she replied coldly, not bothering to look at him either. "Is that how you entice all of these poor girls to dance with you?"
"Suit yourself."
Before she knew it he had stalked off towards the refreshments table where he spoke with a different girl. Within moments he had swept her onto the dance floor. The frozen smile Beth been wearing faded as she suddenly, inexplicably, felt tears prick her eyes. She stood alone, feeling ridiculous, as couples danced past her. She felt as if all eyes were on her, pitying her, even though few noticed her slip through the crowd towards the door.
Once outside where the air was a little cooler, Beth breathed deeply as she made her way quickly to the back of the church, away from the men who had congregated outside to talk and smoke. She pulled her shawl around her shoulders, angry at herself for feeling the way she was. She knew it was stupid to envy the couples inside, and yet, as much as she had gotten used to being without Adam, she had not felt so lonely in a long while. More than that, however, was her annoyance at Jamie and his behavior. After ignoring her for weeks he was now being openly rude to her. That was too much for Beth, anger simmering within her.
It was unfortunate, then, that Jamie chose that moment to follow her outside, having watched her leave. If he had waited she would have calmed down enough to be civil with him, but he had not.
"Beth," he called after her, not meaning for it to come out as harshly as it did.
She turned around to face him, clearly not happy. "What are you doing out here? You shouldn't keep what's-her-name waiting."
"I'm sorry about what just happened. It was rude of me."
"I don't think you're sorry at all," she replied spitefully.
He hesitated before placing his hand on her shoulder, but she shrugged it off as if it burned.
"Leave me alone."
"You're angry at me?" he snorted incredulously. The idea made him want to laugh.
"No, I quite enjoy being publicly snubbed," she replied sarcastically. "And watching you dance with every other girl in town as you went out of your way to avoid asking me."
Jamie let out a frustrated breath. "Well, that's just great. What is it you want from me? 'Cause I can't figure it out."
"What are you talking about?"
"I get too close, you push me away. I stay away, and you're mad at me."
She frowned, feeling defensive. "I don't understand."
"That much is obvious."
"Jamie…"
"You've barely looked at me since Hannah's birthday," he countered, clearly annoyed. "I get it, okay? So I stayed away, just like I did before. That's the only way I know how to deal with this."
Beth shook her head, denying what he was saying, pretending she didn't comprehend his words. She looked away across the black expanse of prairie behind the church.
"Fine, ignore me. But don't get angry at me if I do the same to you," he finished darkly before starting to walk away from her.
She wanted to let him go, knew she should just let him leave, but before he had gotten away more than a few steps she couldn't help herself from crying out, "Why are you doing this?"
Jamie stopped in his tracks. "God, I'm trying not to, don't you realize that?!" he snapped, rounding on her. "Do you think I want this? Do you think I asked for it?"
"I don't understand," she repeated pitifully, her head bowed.
"Of course you don't… which makes it so much easier for you, doesn't it?" he muttered bitterly.
She raised her eyes to him in response to the anger and hint of hatred in his voice. They were wide and scared, with the same pleading look she had given him in her bedroom. He felt the fury within him drain in an instant, replaced by regret for causing her to feel such distress. Whatever anger he felt now was towards himself, because every fiber of his being knew he was wrong to be thinking and feeling everything he was when it came to Beth. But he couldn't stop it. Not when she was looking at him the way she was, her face full of unspoken questions.
"Jamie, please…" she began mournfully, but she couldn't finish.
Before she knew what was happening, before he could stop himself, he stepped forward and kissed her. It was not a brotherly peck. His hand was at the back of her head, fingers entwined in her hair, capturing her lips firmly against his. She grew dizzy but he didn't stop and Beth suddenly found herself not wanting him to. Then, just as she was losing herself, he released her but did not pull away very far. She could felt his hot breath against her lips.
"That's why I didn't ask you to dance," he murmured, breathing hard.
Beth frowned, her eyes filling with tears as she gripped the front of his shirt tightly. She tried not to look into his eyes but she couldn't stop. They were full of emotion so raw and confronting that she didn't know how to react. She had never felt so confused before, nor the swirling sensations that were fighting within her.
"What do you think you're doing?" gasped a shocked voice.
They broke apart instantly and saw Charlie standing a few feet away, aghast. Beth pulled further away from Jamie, and looked away, mortified.
"How could you do this?" Charlie went on, the disgust evident in her voice.
Beth turned back to her sister-in-law, expecting to see Charlie's accusing gaze aimed squarely at her. But instead she was staring at her brother with barely disguised anger.
"Your own brother's wife?" she snapped, shaking her head. Charlie didn't wait for a response, turning on her heel and heading back inside.
"Charlie!" Jamie called after her. "Damn it, wait."
He ran after her, leaving Beth standing alone in the church yard.
