Life with Naruto
Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto Sasuke would be a good boy and stay in Konoha. Or not kill Itachi…or not randomly decide to crush Konoha…ok you know what if I owned the show a lot of things would be different (cough sasunaru addict cough leesaku addict cough saikicksass cough deidarawouldstillbealive) but I don't so let's move on. T.T
Chapter Six: In which it is No Longer Life with Naruto but Just Life in Konoha and rather too Naruhina-ish For My Taste and has Yuri with Drama Building up to Nothing and We Get to See Naruto's Shippuden Perverted Ninjutsu and Fangirls and This is a Hella Long Chapter Title Isn't It?
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Naruto threw a punch at him, but Sai sidestepped it casually.
"Pathetic, Naruto-kun. Dickless, and talent less, are we?"
"Shut up!" the Kyuubi carrier fumed.
"A-hem!" Kakashi coughed pointedly.
Naruto threw another punch, adding a roundhouse kick and a jumping full moon kick for good measure. Sai dodged the first two, caught his ankle on the second kick, and tossed him over his shoulder.
"Naruto-kun,
you're abysmal."
"I'm gonna kill you," Naruto snarled,
his whiskers darkening, his eyes growing wild.
"Oh no, save me from the dickless one's wrath," Sai said flatly. For someone who was supposed to be socially clueless, he sure had sarcasm down pat. Sasuke bit back a smile as he watched Naruto attack.
As Naruto rushed him head on ("Baka," Kakashi sighed,) Sai stood his ground. At the last minute, he stepped to the side, and the blond fell forward onto the ground.
"Dobe, c'mon, get up!" Sasuke called out.
"Yeah, Naruto, kick his ass!" Sakura cheered.
Sai rolled his eyes as Naruto dove for him again. He stepped to the side, knowing the junchuuriki would follow, and punched him in the face. Naruto reeled backwards and sat down hard on the grass, looking surprised. His nose was bleeding profusely, and his left eye was strangely unfocussed.
"Concussion," Sakura reported, "I'm not healing him again."
Sasuke sighed, hauled his teammate up, and slung him over his shoulder. "I'll take him to the hospital," he said for the fifth time that week. Sai smiled smugly, and Yamato muttered something about teamwork going down the drain thanks to testosterone fueled knuckleheads.
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Sasuke, Neji, Naruto, Kiba and Gaara were taking a walk together.
No one was really sure why—Sasuke couldn't stand Neji who couldn't stand Naruto who couldn't stand Kiba who couldn't stand Gaara who really had no reason at all to be in Konoha taking a walk because he was the Kazekage and couldn't stand people in general.
You may call me crazy, but I call it artistic liberty.
Ahem.
Neji froze as he sensed the faint kehai of a shikon fragment (heh, Inuyasha)…oh wait no this was something much, much, worse. He activated his byakugan…
"I see fangirls," he whispered, and all the guys went into defense mode as a pack of rabid lovesick females converged on them from all directions.
"Kyaaaaaaaa-
Naru-chan you're so kawaii!!"
"Uwaaaaaaaaah Neji-kun are
you looking through my clothes??" (As a matter of fact, yes. But
let's not ruin the boy's reputation, hmm?)
"Kiba-kun, lemme pet Akamaru!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!
Sasuke-kun!!"
"SQUEEEEEEE Gaara-san!"
"Suna shigure!" Gaara snapped, but Naruto blocked it with his kyuubi chakra. "You can't kill them! It's illegal, Tsunade-hag will kill you!" he yelled as the first wave hit him, "Sasuke! Saaaaave meeeeee!"
"Hold
on Naruto!" the Uchiha said as his fangirls tore off his shirt,
"I'm coming!"
"Run for your life, Akamaru!" Kiba
screamed to his pet. The white dog didn't listen, actually enjoying
all the attention. Kiba however screamed like a pms-ing little girl
as a particularly needy fan ripped his shorts off.
Neji was safer, using his byakugan and the Gentle Fist to paralyze the females. But even he was overwhelmed—they'd clearly all banded together this time, all the fangirl associations under the sun. He also had the sneaking suspicion that he was no longer in possession of his underwear.
Gaara, whose sand had kept him safest, was at a loss for what to do if he couldn't kill the girls. His arsenal didn't have anything that covered incapacitate only. He suddenly had a brainchild. (Which is fancy English teacher talk for an idea! XD)
"Protect," he barked, and his sand rose up to envelope the five boys in a sphere of safety.
"Good thinking, Gaara," Neji panted.
"Naruto! Naruto!" Sasuke sobbed, "They killed him!"
The blond tapped his friend on the shoulder. "Uh, still alive man. Dattebayo…you're holding Kiba—he just passed out."
"Oh," the Uchiha said, dropping the spiky haired boy, "Couldn't tell; it was dark in here."
"What do we do now?" the voice of one of the fangirls reached them.
"Duh,"
another replied, "We go look for Sai-kun!"
"Isn't he
gay?"
"So? I'm not!"
And
the heard the sound of retreating feet. "Wait," Kiba said, coming
to his senses as Gaara was about to release the sand, "I can smell
them. Check, they may be smarter than we think they are."
Gaara
opened a tiny hole in the sand, and a fangirl threw herself at it.
His heart thudding, the Godaime Kazekage sealed the sand again.
"What now?"
"We wait for them to really leave."
Of course, nothing ever goes exactly according to plan, especially not to these five in my story.
Gaara's defense was total. It completely sealed off the outside world—including air. While this was no real problem for Gaara alone in a battle, (I mean, he'd only use it like for periods for less than a minute) it was a very real problem with five panting boys trying to outwait some rather patient fangirls.
"Air!!
AIR, dattebayo!!"
"You're breathing it all dobe, stop
screaming!"
"Akamaru, this is the end!"
"Arf!"
"Yeah,
for me anyway you traitorous mutt!"
"What an awful way to go, I so did not think this was my destiny…"
"…" Gaara sighed, regretting the action immediately as it drove up the carbon dioxide content up a notch. "I'm releasing the jutsu," he warned, and let the sand fall away.
"Sasuke-kun!"
"Naru-chan!"
"Neji-kun!"
"Gaara-san!"
"Kiba-kun!!"
Suddenly, five blurs appeared from nowhere and commenced beating up the fangirls.
"Mind-body SWITCH!"
"Byakugan!"
"Scroll bomb!"
"Dai Kamaitachi no Jutsu!"
"Die, bitches!!"
"Ino." Sasuke blinked.
"Hinata!" Kiba whooped.
"Temari!" Neji yelled.
"Onee-san," Gaara sighed.
"Sakura-chan!" Naruto hollered.
"You're welcome, boys," Sakura said, a little out of breath. Tenten
rolled up her scrolls smartly, and Temari chased the remaining fans away on her…well, fan. Ino returned to her body and Hinata blushed.
"Hey," Sasuke said suspiciously to Ino and Sakura, "Hold on, you're
my bitches—I mean fangirls!"
Sakura snorted. "Not anymore, Uchiha."
Ino
shrugged. "We kinda suspect you of being gay, and much less
Emo than you seemed."
"Thanks a lot, Hinata!" Naruto said, hugging the heiress. The Hyuuga promptly fainted. Kiba sighed. "Akamaru and I'll take her to her house," he said.
Neji nodded to Tenten. "I owe you one."
Temari whooshed back. "Ready to go home, otouto?" she smirked.
"Yes," Gaara said, and they disappeared, one on her fan, the other on his sand cloud.
Sasuke blinked. Ino and Sakura looked at him expectantly. He sighed. "Thanks."
"Anytime, Uchiha. Anytime at all."
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When Sasuke woke up one morning, he realized that he was feeling uncharacteristically charitable towards his roommate.
"I should do something nice for him," he muttered to himself, "Ah! I know, I'll get Hinata to spend the day with him, maybe something will finally happen between them!"
(A thousand naruhina anti-fans including the authoress cursed the Uchiha to a particularly needy fangirl.) Sasuke, oblivious to his fate, wrote Naruto a note and left to find the white eyed blusher.
"Yo, Hinata!" he called to her when he did. She turned, smiling. Sasuke couldn't help but noticing how worryingly pale she was, but then realized it was because he only ever saw her when he was with Naruto, and when Naruto was near Hinata, Hinata blushed.
"I have a mission today, can you watch Naruto for me?" he asked, throwing her his key to the apartment.
"W-w-watch N-n-Naruto kun?" she stammered. Ah, there was the patented blush, right on cue.
"Yeah, y'know, so he doesn't kill himself or set the house on fire or flood the village or call down the Devil's wrath or—"
"I think she gets it. Why? Because you made it very clear," Shino said. (A/N: Yeah, can't write Shino's way of talking, which is why he doesn't show up much in my stories)
"Oh."
Hinata nodded. "I'll w-w-watch over
N-N-N-Naruto-kun."
-like, sometime later, lawlness-
Sasuke came back home in the evening, and to his surprise, Naruto was playing Icha, Icha Violence on the PSP in his boxers. Well, that wasn't what surprised him, what did was that Hinata was in the adjacent couch, out like a light.
Sasuke sighed. "What happened here?"
"She was here when I got out of my shower, dattebayo," he said, "I
was in my towel and said hi, and she fainted! So I put her on the couch, put on clothes, and waited for her to wake up. But every time she does, she faints again. I'm hungry, dattebayo," he added, "I couldn't leave her alone and there's no freaking ramen in the house."
"There're about a thousand other things to eat though," Sasuke pointed out, picking up Hinata bridal style.
"Whatcha gonna do with her?" Naruto asked, a perverted gleam in her eye.
Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Grow up, dobe, I'm taking her to Kurenai-san!"
"Oh. Boring, dattebayo. Have fun," Naruto said, his attention back on the video game. His roommate gritted his teeth. This was the absolute last time he would ever try to set an idiot like Naruto up with a girl. Ever.
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"HEY TEME I'M HOME!" Naruto yelled. Sasuke shrieked, dropped the book he was reading, fell off the couch and scrambled upright in ten seconds flat, with a blush that could've put Hinata to shame.
"…Teme? Are you okay? Whatcha reading?"
"Uh…n-nothing! I mean…I'm studying for a test! Yeah that's right, a test!"
Naruto wasn't so stupidly oblivious. Well actually, he was. "OH, really?" he asked brightly, "Can I help?"
"NO!" the Uchiha shouted, going white, "Uh, I have to go, Naruto…bye!"
"Hey Sasuke—you forgot your book!" Naruto called out, but his friend was long gone.
"Well that was weird," he muttered, "Dattebayo…wonder what he was reading?"
He picked up the book and began to read.
Tina walked into Nari's house, full of passionate desire. She wanted the blonde with all her might.
"Nari!"
The younger girl whirled around at the sound of her name. Tina's full pink lips were on hers, suddenly, and she felt a wonderful fire bloom in her stomach and burst in her heart, and she wanted more, more—
His eyes grew wide. He dropped the book as though it was on fire and ran to the sanctuary of Sakura's house.
"SASUKE'S A PERVERT!!"
-some time later-
Sasuke returned to find the house quiet. He found Icha, Icha Yuri exactly where he'd dropped it, and sighed. It appeared that Naruto's aversion to printed words had won out over his curiosity.
"Hey Sasu-teme!" Naruto trilled, startling the taller boy, "All ready for that test?"
"What? Oh…ah, actually, I need to study some
more."
Naruto beamed and hugged the boy tightly, patting his
back
thoroughly. "Study hard, best friend!"
Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "Naruto…down boy, down."
He walked towards the door. "I can study better outdoors," he muttered. Naruto waited until the door clicked shut, then dove for the phone.
"Sakura-chan,
phase A was a success, dattebayo!"
Sakura signaled to Sai to
get the camera. "OK, Naruto, meet us at point C!"
"Roger," Naruto replied, and hung up.
"I still don't get it," Sai commented, "Why is pasting a piece of paper saying 'Yuri makes the ero-baka in me drool' to Sasuke-kun's back so funny?"
"Shut
up and get ready," Sakura giggled, "This is gonna be one hell of
a prank."
-dun dun dun-
Kakashi's eyes widened as he glanced back at Sasuke. He opened his mouth to tell his favorite student what he saw, but a hand snaked over his mask.
"Sensei, if you stay quiet, I'll give you the book Sasu-teme is reading, dattebayo."
Kakashi pulled away from the Kyuubi junchuuriki. "My student's pride and reputation for a book? Are you kidding me?"
It's Icha, Icha Yuri," Yamato grinned, holding another camcorder identical to the one Sai possessed, training it on the Uchiha's back and at people's reaction to what was written there.
"Done
deal, what do you want me to do?"
"Stay quiet," Naruto
repeated, throwing him a tiny digital camera, "And take a lot of
pictures when the show starts."
-ok now I'm all excited about what's happening-
Point C: the dock. Sasuke's favorite thinking spot.
Sakura was watching him, suppressing her chakra, from a nearby tree. Sai had painted himself into intangibility and was hiding in the water.
Sasuke was lying on the dock's slats on his stomach, his shirt pushed up a bit so he could savor the warmth of the wood on his skin, reading his…textbook…(sure, let's humor the kid).
"SASUKE!" Naruto screamed suddenly, bursting out of the water, "Take this!! Tajuu Kage Bunshin no Jutsu! Oiroke Style: ORGY!!"
A hundred (or possibly more) Sasukes appeared out of thin air, and surrounding them were about three to four hundred of the most beautiful women the Uchiha had ever seen…and, well, I'll leave the what they were doing part up to your imaginations, just to keep the rating T, shall I? A few clung to the real Sasuke, cooing over his hair.
There just wasn't enough blood in the poor bugger's body to produce a nosebleed worthy of the scene, but Sasuke tried his best.
Sai twitched. So this was why Naruto had insisted it be Sakura and him who covered this phase: Yamato taichou and Kakashi the ero-sensei would have been far too busy gawking to fulfill the mission. The emotionless boy and the yaoii fangirl wouldn't be affected, however. You had to hand it to Naruto, he was a genius prankster.
Naruto released the jutsu after a few minutes, and Sasuke deathglared at him.
"DOBE!!"
"Come and get me, UKE!"
-elsewhere-
Point B: Konohagakure's TV tower station. Kakashi handed the bewildered in-charge the tape.
"This has…"
"Yep."
"And there's another one…"
"Yep."
"And you're letting Leaf TV…"
"Yep."
The
in-charge threw his arms around the Copy Nin. "OH, THANK YOU!! THE
RATINGS WILL SOAR!!"
"Please get off," Kakashi said, "The
second one will be arriving shortly. Turn on the big
screen."
-elsewhere again!-
Point D: a cluster of trees in Konoha's town square, with a beautiful view of the shinobi village's recently acquired giant screen positioned on the clock tower.
Yamato checked his handy cam.
"Sakura," he said into his mike, "All set."
"Roger," the kunoichi replied, "Phase 3 was a success. Phase 4 is in action. Bait is leading target to your location, over."
Yamato nodded. "Kakashi-sempai, is everything ready?"
"All systems are apple green code 28282374 GO," Kakashi giggled.
"…"
"Yamato?"
"Sempai,
you're an idiot."
-I don't know where we are…-
"Teme! Wait!" Naruto stopped abruptly and held up a palm to Sasuke's face. The Uchiha stopped out of sheer shock.
"W-what?" he panted.
"Touch me and die," Naruto smirked, pointing at the big screen.
Sasuke's eyes widened. There, for all the Hidden Leaf to see, was the promo for the 'Itachi' Incident.
Sakura and Sai popped into the park/glade/area. "We recorded the dock thing too," the kunoichi gloated, "And people laughing behind your back and what we put there."
"What…"
Kakashi and Yamato stepped out of their hiding places. "Now you have to do what we say…closer pervert, or risk staining the good name of Uchiha!"
Naruto added, "Dattebayo!"
Sasuke's eyes narrowed, then grew extremely sad. "Naruto…I can't believe you'd do something like this. I never though you'd go so far as to sell your best friend's pride."
"Sell…best friend…?" Naruto frowned. Sasuke had never acknowledged their friendship in words before. "Best friend…"
"Yes, you're my best friend, or so I thought," Sasuke said bitterly. Naruto's eyes grew big and teary and freakishly chibi-like.
"Sasuke…"
"I
always thought of you as my most precious bond. You'd never betray
me, I thought. You were there through everything…and now, you're
gone and stomped on that trust…ex-best friend."
Naruto
gasped. "No!" he ran to Sasuke and hugged him. "Friend!" he
yelled, "Friend!"
Sasuke pushed him away as the rest of the team sweatdropped. "Friends don't do mean things do their friends."
"No!" Naruto yelled again," Sakura-chan, burn the tapes!"
"What?" she gasped.
"But—" Kakashi objected.
"Naruto-kun—" Yamato gaped.
"Burn all the tapes!" Naruto insisted, tears streaming down his face, "Friends don't do mean things to their friends!"
Sai shrugged and zipped away to oblige.
"Naruto…" Sasuke said, his lower lip trembling, "You…did that for me? Naruto…"
"Sasuke…"
Naruto!"
"Sasuke!"
"NARUTO!"
"SASUKE!"
Gai and Lee watched as they ran to each other in slow motion and hugged with one foot sticking in the air. Gai wiped away a tear. "Ah, the vigor of youthfulness."
Lee's eyes shone like diamond studded stars. "Sensei! We must add to the youthfulness!" he said, and they cast their golden-sunset-waves-crashing-upon-the-rocks-dolphins-breaching-in-the-distance backdrop for the duo.
"YAY
YOUTH!"
"Come on Naruto," Sasuke smiled, "Let's go get
you some ramen!"
Sakura scowled. "That was all just an act,
wasn't it? There's no way in hell you just hugged Naruto out of
your own volition with that
backdrop."
Sasuke waited till the oblivious blond turned the corner. "You bet your ass it was," he growled, "DOBE. IS. A DEAD MAN."
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About Naru-chan's pervert ninjutsu…it's not very creative, but then again, I'm not very creative. Submit any better ideas you might have, it'll be fun to read them!
OH, I almost forgot…to the anonymous reviewer tactless and proud of it: …my brain is not squishy. T.T and my imagination is already betrothed to my creativity XD –evil cackle- annnnd I hope (assume?) that your bad streak/time has passed by now, as you read this very, very delayed review reply. –nervous giggle-
Naruto: Your imagination is already betrothed to your creativity?? Lame…
Me: ferme tu avant je me viole avec ma cane, ma kawaii-kitsune.
