Chapter 12

Shadows traversing across her back in the moonlight, her head, resting gently on her folded arms, turning, her beautiful eyes sparkling as her mouth turns up into a smile. He can't stop gazing at her. She laughs and shakes her head before turning it back towards the dog resting under the tree. Smiling, he moves closer and reaches to stroke the curve of her back. She turns her head again, her mouth resting on her hand…

"Grissom!"

He sat up quickly, raising his head, clearing his mind.

"Grissom."

It was over. The dreams, the memories of earlier that evening disappeared from his head as he focused on the man standing in the doorway. "What can I do for you, Conrad?"

He watched the lab director sit across from him. "Grave is down to four CSIs."

"I know."

"Well, you also know that Grave can't run on four CSIs. Now, I waited for Warrick Brown's funeral to pass before bringing this up, but it can't wait any longer. You need to hire a new CSI."

He sighed. He knew it was true, but it was too early. What kind of atmosphere would the new hire be stepping into? How could he replace Warrick? He couldn't. He needed more time.

"Gil, this can't wait. You're short. You spread your CSIs too thin and the bad guys get away. Now, here's a list of possible candidates to look over."

He glanced down at the pile in front of him. "How many are connected to the department, Conrad?"

His narrowed eyes focused on Ecklie until Ecklie broke the contact and looked to the pile. "All of them."

"No."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm not hiring anyone connected to the department, Conrad."

"Gil, just look at them. The sheriff has a nephew in there, just graduated from WLVU, could be good for the lab."

"No."

"Gil."

"I won't hire someone connected to the department. You know it wasn't a beat cop behind Gedda. You know Daniel Pritchard never killed Warrick. He wouldn't go near PD when everyone was looking for him. It was someone else, someone higher up. Now, you want me to hire a new CSI with connections to the same department, someone I'm not sure I can trust? My team needs someone they can trust."

"You can't blame these people because Brown got himself killed. They are all qualified."

He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to reel in his anger. He opened his eyes glared at Ecklie. "Warrick didn't get himself killed, Ecklie. He was murdered. As for your qualified candidates, my team won't trust any of them."

"Are you sure about that? Grissom, if you won't hire one of those candidates, I will." Ecklie stood up and headed to the door.

"Conrad, why is it that the lab has a policy against people engaging in a romantic relationship when they're on the same team, but it doesn't have a policy against nepotism?"

Ecklie turned and looked at him. "Is that what this is about? You and Sidle?"

"No."

"It is. You're still upset about her having to switch shifts and you blame me for her leaving you. Now, she's back in town, right? Or was it just for Brown's funeral? You want her back? Fine, hire her, have Catherine do her evaluations; she can stay on your shift. You trust her, hire her. Ask her to fill in temporarily until you find someone else or she decides to come back permanently."

He stared at Ecklie, not quite believing what the man had said. Going over it in his head, he sighed. "She won't come back, Conrad. She doesn't want this life anymore." He paused and looked down at his hands balanced on the edge of his desk. "Look, I'll hire someone right away, but he or she has to be from outside the department. I can't, I won't hire anyone connected to the department until we find out who killed Warrick." Ecklie nodded and left the room.

Grissom leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. It took only a moment before his mind became flooded with images of Sara as he left her, lying on a blanket in the backyard, smiling into her hand before lifting her head to kiss him. She might come back temporarily if he asked her to, but he couldn't do that to her. The last time he asked her to fill in indefinitely, indefinitely turned into over seven years. He knew it would be a great way to keep her around, but he couldn't put his selfish needs ahead of hers again. This time she would be sacrificing too much. He wanted her to be happy. He had to let her go. Seeing her eyes shine they way they were earlier that evening, life dancing across them, was more important than having her around all the time. It was his turn to make the sacrifice. Saddened, but resolved, he opened his eyes and looked down at his watch. It was time to hand out assignments.


She found him in the locker room, staring at the locker in front of him. She sat down next to him and cradled her hands in her lap, leaning forward and looking straight ahead. She took a deep breath. "Warrick's locker."

Nick nodded but didn't look at her. Tears in her eyes, she turned to him and reached for his hand. "Is this the first time you've been in the locker room since…" She let her words trail off as she watched him nod again.

"Have you looked in it?"

"It's empty. What do you think they did with everything?"

She shrugged. "Emptied it out; took the lab issued items and gave the rest to Tina."

She felt Nick pull from her grasp. He stood and opened the locker door, looking inside briefly before slamming shut again. "Nick, you're hand!"

Her heart shattered when he turns and looked down at her. The despair in his eyes matched hers. She saw her own emotions reflected. They were both grieving deeply, but as much as she was hurting, she felt that Nick's pain was worse. "Nicky." She stood quickly and pulled Nick to her, hugging him. "I loved him too, Nicky."

"I miss him, Cath."

"I know."

"Someone else will be putting their stuff in his locker."

"I know." She gave his a gentle squeeze, then released him. They both turned to the locker.

"Do you think Grissom will let me switch lockers? Take Warrick's? Somebody new can have mine?"

Catherine nodded and wiped away the fresh tears from her eyes. "Yeah, I think he'll be okay with that." She paused. "I think that would be a great idea. I'll talk to him."

"Thanks."

He was quiet again. She placed her hand on his cast. "Nicky? Come on, it's time for assignments."

She led him from the locker room and watched him meander down the hall to the break room. She followed until she reached Grissom's office, catching Grissom just as he was exiting. She matched his stride, walking silently beside him. When they reached the break room, she put her hand on his forearm, stopping him from entering the room. "Gil, Nick wants to switch lockers."

She watched Grissom raised an eyebrow in question. "He'd like Warrick's locker. He doesn't want anyone else to have it."

"I suppose that would be best."

She studied his downcast eyes. "Thank You."

Grissom nodded and stepped into the break room. She followed and sat down next to Greg, waiting for Grissom to hand out assignments.

"Greg, since you have to fly out on Sunday, I'm giving you a robbery. Liquor store on Freemont was held up. Nick, Cath, missing person, seventeen year old female. Cath, can I speak to you while Nick moves his things into his new locker?"

Catherine smiled and turned to Nick. She gave him a wink as he swiftly flew from the room. She turned back to Grissom and waited for him to speak.

"I need you to take shift tonight."

Her smile grew. She grabbed the slip from his hand. "Go."


The sound of the front door opening stirred her from her sleep. She rushed to the entrance. "Gil, what…"

Quickly his finger was on her lips, stopping her speech. She stared at him, eyes wide. His finger fell from her lips.

"'Here we are at last face to face,
we have met,
we have lost nothing.
We have felt each other lip to lip,
we have changed a thousand times
between us death and life,
all that we were bringing
like dead medals
we threw to the bottom of the sea,
all that we learned
was of no use to us:
we begin again,
death and life.
And here we survive,
pure, with the purity that we created,
broader than the earth that could not lead us astray
eternal as the fire that will burn
as long as life endures'"

She smiled through her tears. "Who said that?"

"Wrote it. Pablo Neruda. It was the ending to his poem, 'Ode and Burgeonings'."

"It's beautiful."

He stepped towards her. "Do you think it holds true for us?"

She bit her lip and nodded.

"Here we survive."

"Here we survive," she repeated, whispering. She gazed up at him. "What are you doing home?"

"You go back to San Francisco tomorrow." She nodded. His next words were soft. "Ecklie offered you a job."

"What?"

"Grave's short. Ecklie offered you the job until we can find someone else to fill the position."

She stared at him, a million neurons firing in her head. "I, um, if you need…"

"I don't want you to come back."

"Sorry?"

"I don't want you to come back. You've overcome so much. If you came back, you'd be sacrificing too much and I won't let you do it."

She looked down. Her voice was so quiet, she barely heard her own next words. "What will I be sacrificing if I leave again?"

She closed her eyes as he took another step forward and cupped her cheek. "Nothing." Her eyes opened and shot up to his. "Sara, you don't have to sacrifice anything, a few months together maybe, but that's it."

Her brow furrowed as she tried to comprehend his words. A few months?

"Sara, there are a few more things I have to do: document some things for Maddie Klein so that we can try to get an idea about who our dirty law enforcer may be, take care of some business, but I think I'm ready to leave the lab. Things are shifting, there and here, and I feel like it's time for us to begin again."

She gazed at him, tears streaming down her cheeks. "You're sure about this?"

"Yeah. I just need a little more time. I'm not sure just how much yet."

She took a deep breath. "Okay." Stepping forward, she moved into his embrace. She wrapped her arms around him and looked up. "You came all the way home to tell me that you refuse to hire me?"

"Well, at least I can tell Ecklie I spoke to you."

She laughed and snuggled deeper. "Are you going back to work tonight?"

"Nope."

"Great." She pulled herself from his arms and grinned. "Then can you close the front door and come to bed?"