DISCLAIMER:

What I Would Do if I Were J.K. Rowling (In list form.)

Bully/bribe publishers into publishing more of my stories.

Sleep by day and write by night.

Make Tonks and Remus come back to life so I could have Remus snogging the living daylights out of Tonks.

Figure out whether Sirius is gay or not. If he is, who cares? He'll still be pretty to look at.

Wear HUGE sunglasses and hoodies everywhere I go (mysterious, cute, and useful when hiding from paparazzi).

Have a chef cook me gourmet vegetarian food.

Adopt a surly teenager.

Meet Stephenie Meyer or an older (J.K. Rowling age) Edward Cullen. Sadly one of them is not possible, even if I am J.K. Rowling.

Meet J.K. Rowling. Oh, wait. I AM J.K. Rowling. Except I'm not. But If I WERE I would look in the mirror. And take photos. And then autograph them. And then turn back into RadicalReason. And sell them on eBay. WAIT! I don't HAVE to turn back. But I'm sure Jo will want her body back.

Write fan fiction (incognito as RadicalReason). Hehe.

I AM NOT J.K. ROWLING, SO NONE OF THESE ARE POSSIBLE.

(SKIP ALL OF THE BOLDED STUFF IF YOU WANT.)

EvilLittleNerd1981 – You definitely know something is weird in a good way when described as 'deranged leprechauns.' Thanks for reviewing and sorry for suggesting that you are INTERESTED in Gildy… This girl hasn't ever had Swedish Fish! Someone send her a bag of them soon!

THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO REVIEWED! YOU GUYS ARE TOTALLY MY PIECE OF ANTI-HUMBLE PIE. And sorry it took so long to post this chappie. I was finishing up Eloise Midgen and the Yule Ball.

On to the story.

Chapter 3

"Legilimens!"

It was cold. Baby Lockhart thrashed about wildly, bawling. The streetlights flickered. The light that had once basked the sidewalk in its glow was gone. It was now cold AND dark. A prickly feeling went up Gilderoy's arms and he scrunched himself into a tight ball. He was too young to think that the warmth in his chest would also spread to his arms and legs because of this movement, but he had survival instincts.

A light somewhere in the distance turned on. Hope…?

xVx

"That wasn't what you were looking for." Datura was looking at him with a strange expression over her features, almost pitying. "You're searching for something. You don't know what it is, but when you find it you'll know."

Gilderoy nodded. He felt cold and clammy, though he was wearing a chunky sweater and jeans. "Yeah," his voice cracked, "Try it again."

"Legilimens."

xVx

"Arnold, bring him in. He must be soaked," said a gentle voice.

Strong arms hoisted him up. Baby Gilderoy cried harder. "Shhh. It's okay," a different voice said. It was lower and deeper. "Gena, I don't know the first thing about babies. What should I do," the voice asked nervously.

"You're doing fine!" the other voice called, "Just keep doing whatever you are right now."

"I don't know what I'm doing right now," the voice nearest to him muttered, bathing him in the warmth from the person's breath.

"He's cold, get him a blanket."

The memory faded away, but was quickly replaced by a new one.

"So you aren't my mum and dad?" teenage Lockhart asked. He had suspected this. Gena and Arnold were way too old to have had him.

Gena hesitated, "Well, we raised you, but we aren't your REAL parents."

They had always told him to call them by their first names. This didn't seem too odd at first, but when he was old enough to talk to the other children in the neighborhood; he realized how strange it actually was.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?" Lockhart said. He made each word as fierce as he could.

xVx

"I think that's enough Legilimency for today."

"No," Lockhart's voice was hoarse. "Keep going."

Datura shrugged. "They aren't my memories."

xVx

Lockhart was at Hogwarts. McGonagall was watching a girl – his classmate – expectantly. She succeeded in turning a porcupine into a pincushion. The room burst into applause, but finally Mickey turned agonizingly slowly to face him. "Give it your best try, Mr. Lockhart," she said briskly, after clearing her throat.

He whispered the incantation, willing it to work. Gilderoy pointed his wand at the porcupine, lightly jabbing at it, but his hand got too close and was stuck with several long, sharp, quills. He winced at the sharp pain, but was able to say, "Can I go to the infirmary" very quickly.

"There will be no need for that! Does anyone know a simple retracting charm?" McGonagall pointed at a burly Slytherin who had raised his hand. "Go ahead." The Slytherin lumbered over to Lockhart's table. Gilderoy cowered beneath him. In one fluid motion, the Slytherin grasped all the quills in his fist and extracted them with an unnecessarily sharp tug. "I said a CHARM," she reprimanded, but then she thought for a moment and said, "But I suppose that worked just as well." The Slytherin grinned at his friends and turned his malicious gaze back to Lockhart.

A different memory came to Lockhart.

A mouth was warm on his, arms snaking up to his neck yearningly… She pulled back from him and smiled. "You said you were working on an article about dragons…? Well, they're known for their fiery tempers." She leaned in for another kiss.

Suddenly he was jerked away from that scene and into another.

"You mean you're running away?" A boy with messy black hair stared up at him incredulously. "After all that stuff you did in your books-"

"Books can be misleading," Lockhart said, rather defensively.

"You wrote them!" the boy shouted at him.

"My dear boy," Gilderoy stood up to his full height, "Do use your common sense. My books wouldn't have sold half as well if people didn't think I'd done all those things." He gave the boy a small smile. "No one wants to read about some ugly old Armenian warlock, even if he did save a village from werewolves. He'd look dreadful on the cover. No dress sense at all…" Lockhart shook his head sadly. "And the witch who banished the Bandon Banshee had a harelip. I mean, come on-"

"So you've just been taking credit for what a load of other people have done? The boy's bright green eyes were accusing, and Gilderoy shifted uncomfortably under his stare.

xVx

"You're a FRAUD!" Datura bellowed.

When Lockhart spoke his voice was low. "I have no memory of doing anything that I witnessed just now."

"Just because you bloody don't REMEMBER doesn't mean it's not your fault!" she shrieked hysterically.

"Haven't YOU ever done something that you just don't remember? Had a few firewhiskeys and woke up the next morning, wondering what had happened?" Lockhart tried to keep his eyes steady on hers. "I DON'T REMEMBER."

"Well, the alcohol does something to your brain. I don't think you have been drinking and all the while plotting to take someone else's work! How did you DO that anyway? How COULD you do that to so many innocent people? Don't you feel ANY REMORSE for them?"

"I don't remember," Gilderoy growled.

"Let's witness MORE of your crimes, shall we? LEGILIMENS!"

xVx

The witch with the harelip had her back turned to him. "Would you like some more tea? What newspaper did you say you worked for? The Monthly Moon?" Lockhart quietly drew his wand from inside his robes and pointed them at the witch's back.

"Obliviate," he whispered, flicking his wand.

xVx

"So THAT'S how you did it." Datura was shaking. "Are you going to perform the Memory Charm on me too, just because I know? I understand that me knowing would certainly damage your reputation even more than it is now," she said sarcastically, but her wand was on him. "You know what?! I don't even care. Goodbye Mr. Gilderoy Lockhart."

Yeah, I know that it's mostly stuff you already know about our dear Gildy, but still. I had to add it. The part where Harry confronts Gilderoy is taken from J.K. Rowling's fabulous book, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

I lost the page number shortly after typing it up because I was perched on the edge of my bed, my face very close to my laptop, not even realizing that I had been slowly sliding on my pillow to the left. I fell off my bad and crashed into my table, which toppled over, spilling juice, books, notebooks, papers, and a bottle of black nail polish (thankfully closed) all over the floor. So, I'm going to have a few bruises soon. Yes, I know I'm very clumsy. Last night I was typing on my computer and I accidentally dropped a bowl of potatoes that I was eating. (They were SOO good. All buttery and salty and lightly crisped.) I'm dangerous when I'm with this laptop.

-R