Disclaimer: I'm poor. I own nothing

--o--o--o--

He couldn't hide forever. Eventually he would have to leave the small passenger cabin he was staying in. His peace offering wouldn't do any good if it sat in here with him. Besides, it was a small ship and he'd be much easier for the crazy girl calling herself his wife to find...

Xander took a deep breath to calm his nerves and opened the door.

He sighed audibly as the only person he saw was Shepherd Book in the cabin across the way smoothing the last wrinkle from the bed and admiring his work.

Suddenly the crazy wife herself came down the narrow hall and Xander stiffened, preparing himself for the worst. River walked on by without giving him a second glance. On silent foot she headed into the other room, throwing off the bedcovers and taking the little red pillow. As she turns for the door, Shepherd on her heels, River's eyes meet his.

Bypassing thought Xander simply reacted with Sunnydale trained instincts when facing predators. He bolts.

He didn't get far as she cornered him in the common area again. In the back of his mind he makes a note to start avoiding the place.

As she took his hand in hers River turned to Shepherd Book with a glowing smile. "We want you to marry us."

"We're not married?" Xander asked with thinly veiled hope. A hope that was dashed as the Shepherd answered at the same time with, "You're already married to him River."

River rolled her eyes and gave Book her most patient look. One she usually only reserved for Simon when he just wasn't getting what she was trying to tell him. "A second ceremony so that our friends and family can attend."

"That's a very nice idea River but-" Book never got to finish as River cut him off.

"Today would be best."

"Perhaps it would be best to wait," Book said trying to placate the girl until something else took her attention. "You have friends and family here but I'm sure the young man would like to invite his as well."

She waved her hand dismissively. "They're all dead."

Book watched as Xander's eyes clouded and he took on a haunted look that didn't belong on such a young face. "She's not wrong there Shepherd."

Leaving the mystery of the boy for another time Book turned back to River before this got out of hand. "Be that as it may you'd probably want a more traditional wedding than that on Triumph." River nodded. "Well that takes planning. You don't even have a wedding dress."

If anything River's smile grew. "You're right! I'll get Kaylee to help!"

"I'm sure she'd be happy to assist," Book told her, glad to have put an end to this before things exploded. Unfortunately he thought too soon as Xander had finally got his wits back and had enough.

"We are not getting married!" He exclaimed. "We're already married and we're not staying that way!"

"Now son, this won't help matters."

Xander turned to Book, a biting retort on his lips. Call him what you will but he always had an easier time lashing out at men than women, insult trading with Cordelia notwithstanding. Even when angered, or in this case frustrated.

The retort died on his lips as he turned back to River as she tugged on his hand. The red pillow was gone and she patted the new lump on her stomach. "Now we have to stay married. I'm in the family way."

Xander ran his hands through his hair in frustration and took a deep breath. "You can't be pregnant we haven't even had sex."

River grinned and started pulling him back towards the passenger dorms. "Let's go fix that."

"Well," Mal said as he and the skittish redhead from before came down the stairs, "if this isn't an interesting conversation to walk in half way."

River ignored him was she tried to get Xander moving again. "Come along dear."

"We are not having sex!"

River turned to the other three in the room. "He thinks I'm going to throw him out in his underwear afterwards, but I won't." She tilts her head and gets a contemplative look like this is something she'd thought hard on. "It's cold in space, I'd let him get dressed first."

Simon chose that moment to enter, all right barge into, the room. Xander was so happy to see the doctor that if he hadn't thought it would bring attention to him he could have kissed him. As it was he used the distraction the ensuing argument caused to extract himself from River and use those tried and true Sunnydale instincts again. He fled.

--o--o--o--

"AAAAHHHH!" The startled scream filled the engine room.

Kaylee put a hand to her chest trying to will her pounding heart back to normal speeds. "What are you doing in there?"

"Hiding from my wife," Xander told her as pulled himself upright from where he'd been half hidden by Kaylee's hammock. He paused as he got to his feet. "That sounded a little pathetic didn't it?"

"No, well, maybe a little," Kaylee admitted.

"Sooo," Xander drawled after an awkward pause. "You won't tell anyone I screamed like a little girl will you?"

Kaylee just gave him smile and changed the subject. Xander wasn't sure whether he should be nervous about that or not. "So why are you hiding in here."

"My beautiful, intelligent, unrelenting wife, whom I'm beginning to think isn't all there, wants to throw me down and have her wicked way with me… Why am I here again?"

"Because you're a good man who doesn't want to take advantage of a young girl?"

"Right, right, that's it," Xander said nodding his head with the words like he just remembered something important. "Of course I might be the one taken advantage of in that scenario, but close enough."

Just then Jayne burst into the room, gun drawn. "I heard a scream. Do I need to shoot someone?" he asked hopefully.

Kaylee shook her head. "He just startled me is all."

"Gorramit," the big man said almost sulkily as he put his gun away. "Foods on the table anyway. Get some before it gets gone."

Kaylee giggled when Xander mouthed 'thank you' as they followed Jayne to the dinning area.

Jayne plopped unceremoniously into the nearest chair and began to fill his plate with food. Kaylee felt Xander come to a stop beside her and turned to see him staring at the table with apprehension. Looking back she realized what had brought him up short. There were only two spots left at the table. One right next to an expectant looking River and another at the far end where the captain normally sat.

Taking pity on the man Kaylee took the seat next to River earning herself quite the look from the girl in the process. She could almost see some of the stress leave Xander's face though, as he sat at the end of the table, at least being able to eat dinner with a little less drama.

"So, where's the captain and um… his wife?" Xander asked awkwardly.

"He already ate," Zoë answered simply.

Wash, however, felt the need to elaborate. "Saffron made him fresh bao!"

"Fresh bao!" Jayne exclaimed. "And we're eating this slop why?"

"She only made enough for the captain."

"He could have made her make enough for all of us!"

Zoë glared at the bigger man. "She's not a slave girl Jayne."

"Still… Fresh bao!"

"It was good." Wash piped in.

"You had some too?"

"Only the leftovers."

"Well, it's not fresh bao-" Xander said as he placed the paper bag in the centre of the table, "but I thought these would be nice for dessert tonight."

"Trying to curry our favour with gifts Xander?" Inara asked with a knowing smile on her lips.

"No, of course not." He paused. "Why? Is it working?"

A round of laughter went around the table. Even Simon gave a slight chuckle.

"So what do ya got in here?" Kaylee asked as she peered in into the bag only to squeal in delight as she pulled out a plump juicy strawberry.

Ignoring her meal completely Kaylee brought the fruit to her lips. Her eyelids fluttered shut as she bit into the strawberry; a soft, sensuous moan escaped her lips. "Ohhh, marry me?"

"Gorramit!" Jayne exclaimed. "How many wives does one man need?"

Everyone had another laugh over that. Well, except River and Simon.

--o--o--o--

Dinner was a rather uneventful affair after that. Conversation came easier as everyone traded stories while River alternated between stomping on Simon's foot every time he tried to open his mouth and trying to play footsie with Xander.

"I'll do the dishes tonight." Shepherd Book volunteered as they finished the meal, and the last of the fruit. Not looking a gift horse in the mouth the others quickly began to abandon the kitchen.

"Xander?" The Shepherd called as he began filling the sink with soap and water. "Could you stay and give me a hand?"

Xander just shrugged and grabbed a couple plates to clear. It was several minutes after they settled into the routine of Book washing, Xander drying and putting away before another word was spoken.

"Quite the eventful day isn't it?" Book asked.

Xander gave a short laugh devoid of humour. "You could say that. Not everyday a guy finds out he got married without knowing it. Not exactly something I was expecting ya know?" He shook his head. "Maybe if I'd actually made it to Vegas but not here."

Book stared at him quizzically for a moment before turning back to the dish he was scrubbing. "Things will turn out all right in the end. You'll see."

"The way you say it I almost believe you."

"She's a good girl," Book told Xander as he handed him another dish. "Intelligent if strange at times. And I can tell you are a good man, with a good heart."

"I…" Xander paused not sure what to say. "Thanks," He finally said simply.

"If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theatre."

Xander nearly dropped his plate as he looked over at Book who hadn't even missed a beat in his scrubbing or even looked up during the little speech.

"Take advantage of her?!" Xander asked incredulously. "Have we been on the same ship?!"