Disclaimer: I'm poor. I own nothing

--o--o--o--

"Damn it!" Xander cursed loudly.

Looking down the deserted road then back to the smoking car he got from his Uncle Rory for cheap Xander gave it a frustrated kick. "Damn it!" he cursed again, this time hopping around rubbing his sore foot.

Now he knew why his uncle practically gave it away. He glanced over at a nearby sign. Oxnard 5 miles.

CLANG

Xander closed his eyes and slowly counted to ten. Turning around he saw the door he just kicked lying on the ground next to his car.

We a sigh of defeat Xander gave into the inevitable. He started walking.

As he passed the sign something odd happened. With every step he took the world around him became a little brighter. It was slow at first. Too little to even notice really. It was about five minutes before Xander realized something was amiss.

"Whozza whatnow?!" he exclaimed as the process sped up and the landscape rapidly faded to white. It was bright and pure and all around him. You couldn't tell where the sky ended and the earth began. If there even was an earth or sky.

"Hey kid." Xander heard behind him.

There was a sharp pain in his face as he turned around and his vision blurred. "Hey kid."

As his eyes refocused all Xander saw was a hand coming towards his face. "Gorramit kid! Wake up!"

Xander didn't think he just reacted. As the hand neared him Xander's own shot up and twisted hard, catching his attacker off guard and sending them to the ground with him. Wait? Why am I on the ground?

Then he saw the coffee pot on the ground next to him and it all came back. Oh, right. I was an idiot and got suckered.

"Jayne no!" He heard someone yell. Xander turned his head and his eyes widened as a large fist stopped mere centimetres from sending him back to lala land.

"Uhhh… morning?" Xander edged away from Jayne's fist and massaged his stinging cheeks. "Were you slapping me?"

"Had to wake you up."

"You had us worried for a second there," Kaylee told him, apparently the one who had stopped Jayne from clobbering him. The big guy grunted at her comment. "Okay, you had me worried at least."

"Not as sissy-like as you look," Jayne said as he grabbed a… blowtorch?… and left the room.

With a groan Xander took Kaylee's offered hand and pulled himself upright. It took a couple seconds to get his bearings.

Man, coffee pots can pack a punch.

"What's going on?" He asked as Kaylee started leading him out of the room. She was in close, trying to give him support to walk. It was nice of her and Xander didn't have the heart to tell her he could walk just fine on his own. Besides, there was a guilty little part of him that liked that there was someone to worry about him. It wasn't something he'd had in… well since he ended up stuck in this time. Though if everything goes right with this delivery…

"Oh, Saffron knocked the Captain, Wash and you out, locked us outta the bridge and stole a shuttle." How she managed to say that and still sound cheery was a mystery to Xander.

As they entered the hallway with the crew quarters that leads to the bridge Xander saw Jayne at the end door trying to cut his way in. They came to a sudden stop at one of the alcoves.

Kaylee pointed at the ladder and said, "Doctor's down there with Wash and the Captain. Wants to check your head too."

"But-" Protests died on his lips when he made the mistake of looking Kaylee in the eyes. Instead he started down the latter to Mal's room, grumbling about unfairness of innocent eyes and puppy dog looks.

When he reached the bottom Xander took in the room. Off to the one side of the ladder Inara was half laying against a wall, Book was standing to the other side of the ladder. Wash sat on Mal's bed, an icepack pressed to his head and Zoë by his side. Simon was leaning over Mal, prone on the floor, as he started to come to.

"Is it Christmas?"

"Well, he's back," Simon commented as he helped the Captain to his feet.

"What happened to me?"

"Your blushing bride was a plant," Zoë told him then gave Wash and Xander significant looks. "She took three of you out."

"How did-?"

"Narcotic compound," Simon explained before Mal even finished the question. "Probably spread over a seal on her lips. You get it on yours and pow."

Zoë sent a Mal a look. "Lips, huh? "

"Well…"

Simon saved the Captain by picking up his explanation. "Yeah, we used to get a lot of guys brought in on the night shift at the ER. Usually robbed, very groggy. They called it the good night kiss."

Zoë grinned. "So you two were kissin'?"

"Well. Isn't that... special?" The Shepherd added, causing both Xander and Mal to shift uncomfortably.

"Wash," Mal said suddenly. "How did-"

Wash held up his hands. "Hey, I just got kicked in the head."

"My man would never fall for that jien huo." Zoë added as she put an arm around her husband.

"Most of my head wishes I had," Wash commented as Mal turned towards Xander.

Much the same as Wash Xander raised his hands placating. "Hey, I resisted both Saffron and River tonight. I deserve a freaking metal."

"You guys don't understand."

"Seems pretty simple from here." Book said. "You were taking
advantage of her."

"I was the one being taken advantage of!" Mal exclaimed.

"My apologies. You were victimized, Wash and Xander were beaten, and Inara found you here.

"Then I fell," Inara cut in groggily. "My head got hurt like Wash."

Mal shook his head. "I don't get any of this.

"I only fell, is all."

"What the hell's our status?" The Captain asked.

Zoë straightened. "We're shut down. Jayne and Kaylee are trying to get us on the bridge. "

"All we know is we're headed somewhere," Wash picked up. "And it ain't Beaumonde."

Mal nodded and headed up the ladder, Wash, Zoe and Book following closely behind. Simon grabbed his kit and went to Inara.

"I'm- I'm fine. I don't need to be examined." Inara waved him off. "I'm comfy."

The doctor hesitated for a minute before turning and heading for Xander.

Xander shook his head and suppressed a wince at the action. "S'alright Doc. I've been knocked around so much a little bump on the head won't keep me down for long."

Simon didn't hesitate as long on him before heading up the ladder himself. Xander guessed he was still miffed about the married to his sister thing.

"Why are you staring at me like that?" Inara asked after a few minutes alone with Xander grinning at her. Her words were barely slurring anymore and Xander figured she would be back to normal soon.

"You kissed the captain," Xander said in a singsong voice.

"What. No I just fell. I-"

Xander held up his hand to stop her. "No worries. I'll never tell."

With that Xander stood and headed up the ladder before Inara could say another word. The rest of the crew was gathered in the hall as Jayne and Kaylee tried to cut their way onto the bridge.

River handed him an ice pack. He didn't even question why she had one ready for him or how she knew he'd need it. It wasn't weird enough to even register in his mind right now. Instead Xander just gratefully took the pack and sighed contently as he placed it on his aching head.

Sparing her a glance and a nod of thanks he noticed she was back in her blue dress.

"At least she was didn't steal one of my shirts," Xander muttered louder than he meant to.

"A paradox. Colours that should not exist in nature yet do. Bright, so bright they burn the eyes and seared the brain. Clash, clash. War of primary and secondary and tertiary." At the blank stares River clarified. "They're ugly."

Xander looked at her indignantly. "Hey! I only have the one Hawaiian shirt left. You have any idea how hard it is to find a good Hawaiian print these days?"

"Ah, a fellow brother of the true fashion!" Wash grinned widely as he gave Xander a pat on the back. "No worries. I know a guy who can hook you upaahhhh!" He yelped as River stomped on his foot. Hard.

"River!" Simon scolded as he ushered her away from the pilot.

The man's wife was far less sympathetic. "Serves you right husband. I'd have done the same had I been close enough. The less wearing those monstrosities the better."

Wash looked at her hurt. "I thought you liked my shirts?"

"I like them better than your moustache."

They both looked to the side as someone barked out a laugh.

"Sorry," Xander said. "Just pictured Wash with a moustache."

Kaylee came up to the group, not quite as cheerful as usual but still fairly upbeat considering the situation. "She didn't just lock it, she fused it to something. Both entrances."

"Why the big act?" Mal asked to nobody in particular. "What was she after?"

"Beside the less-than-innocent captain?" Book stated dryly.

"You want to stow it, preacher? We're in some peril here."

"She can fly this thing," Zoe stated. "So why just take the shuttle."

Wash shrugged. "Maybe she likes shuttles."

Zoe and Mal gave him a significant look. Wash raised his hands in front of him. "Some people juggle geese!"

Huh? Xander thought. There has got to be a story there. Note to self: live long enough to hear said story.

"We're in!" Jayne's voice cut in on the conversation's strange turn.

Everyone followed as the large man shoved the doors open and went into the bridge. Wash and Kaylee immediately went to the navigation console, backs on the floor to look at the wiring

"She's a pro," Kaylee stated as she moved the flashlight around to check more of the damage.

Wash made a noise of agreement. "This is a masterful job of muck-up. See how she crossed the drive feeds?"

"Ya-huh."

"So we even try to reroute, it'll lock down. Jing tsai."

Kaylee shone her flashlight deeper in and pointed. "She went straight for the thermal cap."

"Yeah, yeah." Wash nodded along with his words. "We are so humped!"

Mal glared down at the two mildly. "I'm glad you two are havin' a good time under
there. Can we progress to the makin' it right?"

Wash pushed himself out from under the console and shook his head. "That's not gonna happen for a long while, cap'n."

"Well we don't have a good long while." Mal waved his hand at the window. "We could be heading straight into a nice big solid moon, for all we know. So how's about we get to work?"

"Hey. It was your big make-out session that got us into this, sir," Kaylee pointed out as she pulled herself up.

"I was poisoned!" Mal exclaimed

"You were drugged," Inara corrected. Xander grinned at her.

"That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth," Jayne told them; as if this incident just confirmed something he'd always known.

Everyone stopped and stared, trying not to think about what the mercenary had just said. After a minute or so Xander broke the uncomfortable silence.

"Let us never speak of this again."

Mal seemed to agree with that as he turned to Wash. "Well what can you do? "

"Give us some time, we can get the cortex and nav comm back online. At least see where we're headed."

"What about steering?"

"What about stopping?" Inara added.

"She humped us hard," Wash told them seriously. "We're gonna have to do a lot of-"

Mal cut him off. "Well do it. Doesn't help me to see where we're going if I can't change course."

"This girl really knows her ships," Kaylee commented as she and Wash moved back under the console.

"That's not all she knows," Inara said drawing everyone's attention. "She's well schooled."

"What do you mean, the sedative? The good night kiss?" Simon asked.

"Well, I only hit my head," She told them giving Xander a covert look. "But Mal went through that. But, no, I mean seduction. Body language, signals. She's had training. As in companion. As in academy."

"Our little Saffron's quite a wonder. I'm beginning to think she married beneath herself."

Mal sent the Shepherd a glare before turning back to Inara. "How do you know about the training?"

"She tried to seduce me, too." She stated simply.

"Really?" Mal asked with his interest peaked. "Did she... did you..." He fumbled for the right words as Inara grinned and shook her head.

"You don't play a player. It was sloppy of her to try it, but I think she was in a rush."

"Yeah but she had professional... So in my case, it was really..." Mal pointed his finger at Book triumphantly. "You woulda kissed her, too!"

"Wash didn't," Zoe pointed out.

"Neither did Xander." Came from River.

"But she was naked!" Mal sputtered out. "And all... articulate!"

"Okay!" Wash said as he pulled himself back out and waved a screwdriver at the crew. "Everybody not talking about sex, in here. Everybody else, elsewhere."

Reluctantly everybody headed for the door. Even the captain didn't say anything about being kicked off the bridge. Less distraction meant the mechanic and pilot could finish quicker. The quicker they finish the better the chances of not ending up dead.

Most of the others stayed in the hall but Xander saw Simon leading River to the kitchen area. Xander followed, not so much of any desire to be around the siblings, each made him rather uncomfortable in their own way, but because he knew he could find another icepack there. His had gone warm. At least that's what he told himself. He ignored the fact that he hadn't had the pack on his head since going onto the bridge.

River had stopped and held Simon up in the doorway long enough for Xander to catch up. She turned towards the two and pointed at each. "Stay. Speak."

As she walked past them back into the hallway she patted them on their heads. "Good doggies."

"So…" Xander shifted uncomfortably. "I think she wants us to talk."

"It would appear that way."

"Probably without killing each other. Let me just say, senseless violence is so overrated."

"Yes, quite," Simon said as he gave him a strange look. It actually made Xander feel a little less awkward. At least the doctor didn't know what to say either. "So… How's the head?"

"Oh it's fine. I've taken harder blows to the head before."

"Somehow I can believe that."

After a minute or so of uncomfortable silence Xander decided to cut to what they actually needed to talk about. "Look, about the whole married to you sister thing…"

"I understand that it's not your fault," Simon admitted reluctantly. "You didn't know what you were getting into. River's just…" He struggled for a word but didn't seem to find one that quite fit. "River. She's been through a lot. I'm protective of her."

"No, I get it. If it had been Willow I'd have killed me by now."

"Willow?" Simon questioned. "Your sister?"

Xander smiled. "May as well be." Suddenly Xander's eyes lost their mirth and sadness filled them. "Of been." He corrected himself.

Then the smile was back like it had never been gone. "But hey! If we don't look out for our own who will right?"

He didn't give him a chance to reply before he left and joined the others in the hall.

As he walked away Simon was left re-evaluating his first, admittedly poor, impression of the man. It was obvious to him this Willow was dead. The pain of what happened to his own sister was nearly unbearable at times, but at least she was still alive. At least there was still hope for her.