Disclaimer: I'm poor. I own nothing

--o--o--o--

Surviving a near death experience tends to put Xander in a happy mood. There is a certain euphoria in knowing that despite how things appeared, despite the odds, death isn't taking you by the hand today. He got that feeling a lot back in Sunnydale.

It was nice to share that feeling with people again.

The entire crew had gathered for dinner that night. Book made a meal for them that actually tasted like food. Apparently with spices he was saving for a special occasion. Inara brought out a bottle of fine wine, which he knew had to be expensive though his limited experience couldn't appreciate the vintage.

Jokes were flying and smiles were all around. Everyone was in a good mood. Xander had even voluntarily sat across from River. More than once when River started play footsies with him he caught himself playing too. Then he'd realize what he was doing and she would give him a devilish grin when he stopped. Then she would run her foot back up his leg.

Everyone laughed as Wash finished up a story. Something about juggling, but Xander wasn't really paying attention anymore. His eyes were on his plate as he pushed around what little protein was left over. He replayed the events the last couple days over and over in his mind.

He hadn't plan on getting married. How could he when he was just as surprised as anyone else when he found out he was? The question was would it really be so bad?

No, he decided, it wouldn't.

With the stress of the situation gone for the moment and the benefit of hindsight Xander could see the fun in the situation. The game of cat and mouse with River had got his heart pumping and it was more than just fear that drove it. He wasn't ready to admit it out loud yet mind you, but in his own mind he was safe.

And she liked him! He couldn't believe how nice that felt when he let himself go. It had been so long so someone really liked him that way. Not since he blew it with Cordelia during the fluke incident with Willow back in senior year. Terror filled prom date with Anya not withstanding.

He knew there was an attraction. River was a creature of unbelievable grace. More than any Slayer he had met. It's what had first drawn him to her back on Triumph. The image of her gliding through the throng of dancers with a look that could only be described as pure joy on her face will forever be burned into his mind.

She was beautiful. There was no way around that fact.

And he liked her too.

Then Xander remembered the comment earlier about the stars and looked up. His vision was filled with River's warm, beaming smile. It made his heart flutter in a way it hadn't since, well, he couldn't remember for sure. Since the day he met Buffy and developed that crush? Since the day he realized Cordelia cared for him enough to make their relationship public despite her reputation? Both were huge days for his love life yet neither feeling seemed to fit.

Then his heart broke when he realized he'd never know. He still had to leave her.

--

In the days that followed Xander did his best to avoid the crew, and most importantly River. He didn't want the questions or the looks. What was he going to do now? He wished he knew.

No, that wasn't right. He wished he didn't know. The realization he made at dinner haunted him. This would be so much easier if he was still afraid of her.

But nothing was ever easy and on the day before they were due on Beaumonde the Captain apparently decided enough was enough.

"Knock, knock," Mal said as he opened the door and walked into the room.

Don't locks stop anybody on this ship? Xander wondered.

"Think it's 'bout time you and I had a chat."

"What about?" The look Mal shot him told Xander that playing dumb wasn't going to help. "Ok then."

"You don't live on Beaumonde do you?"

Xander shook his head. "No, just making a delivery. I don't really have a place of my own right now."

Mal nodded having suspected as much. "And after you make your drop off? What then?"

"I'm not worried about the after all that much to be honest." That was the best way he could put it aloud. How could he explain that if everything went right he'd have a whole new set of problems? If things everything went wrong… well, he wouldn't be worrying about problems period anymore.

"Maybe you should," Mal ventured.

Xander sent him a questioning look, not sure exactly where he was going with this.

"A Triumph divorce needs a good talking to with the girl's preacher. For reasons we don't need to talk about that's not happenin' for a good long while. If at all."

"If this is a pep talk it needs some work."

"Not tryin' to make you feel better," Mal told him. "Just laying everything out there."

"Fair enough."

"Way I see it is you got two choices. One you walk away and get on with your life. Pretend this whole marriage deal never happened. No one could blame you if you did. You didn't ask for any of this."

"And the second?"

"You stay," Mal said like he was simply telling someone the weather. "You stay on board 'till we get this whole thing figured. Maybe even find a place here until you find something else. We can always use an extra hand on something if you need to feel useful."

Xander just stared at the man in front of him. It was a generous offer and not one he had been expecting. It was temping too. God was it ever temping. "I can't. There are people counting on me. They just don't know it yet."

"What?"

Xander shrugged. "It's complicated."

They stood there in silence after that. Xander was grateful Mal didn't press for answers. In the end he probably had more questions than answers anyways.

It was Mal who broke the silence. "Didn't think you'd stay."

"You figured me for the type to walk away from a vow? Even one made through small amounts of alcohol and a large amount of ignorance?" Xander asked offended. He knew he shouldn't be. It was essentially what he was planning on doing. It was eating him up to leave things unfinished but it couldn't be helped now.

Mal shook his head. "Nope. Which brings me some confusion since you wouldn't be avoiding everyone if you were plannin' to stay."

Xander didn't know what to say to that so he said nothing. After a long uncomfortable moment Mal nodded and headed for the door.

"Why?" It was barely above a whisper but Mal heard it and paused in the doorway.

"Why what?"

"Why make the offer if you didn't think I'd stay?"

"Because you might have."

Then he was gone and Xander was alone with his thoughts.

--

The next day found Xander going through his meagre possessions, making sure he didn't forget anything. Satisfied everything was in the bag he dug around to the bottom. One last check to do.

Moments later he pulled out a large object wrapped in cloth. Unfurling the cloth revealed a large demonic horn. At three feet long the yellow-brown horn curved the last foot or so before ending in a wicked looking point.

Checking it over Xander nodded to himself and carefully wrapped it back up and placed it securely in his duffle.

It wouldn't do to damage the goods before he could deliver them after all.

He did up his bag and gave the room he'd spent the last week in one last look. With a sigh he went out the door.

Xander didn't get far though. He found Kaylee in the common area.

"Where is everyone?" he asked, privately hoping to avoid as many as possible.

"Cap'n, Simon and River are around somewhere. Wash and Zoe are having 'alone time' and Jayne… Well it's best not to think 'bout where he is. Cap'n gave everyone some ground time 'till tomorrow night."

"Nice of him." Xander wasn't really sure what else to say. The perpetually cheery mechanic wasn't so cheery this morning.

"You really leaving?" she asked him.

"Ya," he replied simply and waited for what he knew was coming.

"Why can't you stay? It wouldn't be no bother to anyone. And the Cap'n said it'd be ok."

"I lost something," he said so quietly she almost didn't hear. "I had friends, family. I had a life once. Now I have a chance, maybe my only one to get it all back. They need me, even if they don't know it. And I need them."

As he walked out of the room Xander said one last thing. "Goodbye Kaylee."

He liked Kaylee. She never seemed to let something get her down. At least not for long. She was one of those rare upbeat and genuinely happy people and he admired that in her. He wished he could say that was going to be the toughest goodbye today. He knew better.

River was already on the cargo bay ramp when he got there. He knew she would be.

For a while Xander just stood next to River on the ramp. He wanted to say something, anything to make this easier. On her, on him, for everyone. He thought it should be easy. Just open his mouth and let all the right words come out. Instead all he got was silence.

She looked at him with big pleading eyes. It took all his will to tear his own eyes away. He felt like the world's biggest ass.

He could freely admit to himself now that he liked her. She was crazy but that wasn't exactly a turn off. Normal was overrated anyway. She kept him on his toes if nothing else. Beautiful and innocent with a hint of danger underneath. Even with the crazy she seemed… well he didn't know but the part of himself he wasn't' listening to right now liked it.

In a single swift move Xander picked up his duffle, kissed her on the cheek and walked down the ramp.

Simon walked up to his sister as she watched Xander disappear in the mass of people milling about the dock. He put his arm around her shoulder and she leaned into his side.

"Doesn't want to leave you know," River told him after a few minutes of silence went by. "Against his character to break an oath. But his heart and mind are at war."

River clutch her brother's shirt and looked up into his eyes. "Duty and want. Honour and desire. An internal conflict. It's my fault."

"Why did you marry him mei mei?" Simon asked, though even he was surprised when the question came out. It wasn't what he planned on saying but he also couldn't deny that he wanted to know.

If anything River's searching gaze intensified and Simon had to catch himself not to look away. It was like she was looking deep into the core of his being and it definitely wasn't a comfortable experience to Simon.

"His heart is broken and his soul cries," River told him. "He's lost in the woods. Like me. A kindred soul."

Then she turned from him. She looked away as she hugged herself. "He heals others with a smile and a laugh. I thought we could heal each other."

As River walked away her shoulders slumped and all her innate grace seemed to leave her body. "Now he's just more broken."

"Mei mei…" Simon whispered as he watched her go. The sight tore him apart inside but for the life of him he had no idea what to do now. With all his schooling, all his medical training, there were some things he just couldn't fix.

--o--o--o--

There is a sequel coming. Too many unanswered question for there not
to be.

--o--o--o--

Coming soon

Lost in Serenity
Episode 2
Concrete Jungle
aka
The (mis)adventures of Xander and Jayne

Having arrived on Beaumonde Xander delivers the demon horn as
promised. What's Xander after? Will he get it or make a powerful new
enemy? Let's face it, what are the odds he won't tick someone off
either way.