Voices in My Head
Chapter 4
This chapter is a little crappy. Writers block is a bitch. Anyway, so sorry for the long wait! DAMN MIDTERMS!
But I went to the father/daughter dance w/my daddy last night…it was SO MUCH FUN! My dad's 63 and was dancing like a 20 year old, it was SOO much fun!!! Haha! We made FIFTH place out of the whole freshman class in a freshman dance competition! Hahaha, yay!
Ok, enough of my babbling! ON TO THE STORY!!
PS: Is anyone else DYING from the last ep?!?!?!?! DUDES! I'm so freaking excited!!! I keep playing Renegade (the song at the end of the ep, it's by Styx) 'cause I'm so damn excited!!
Dean felt like he was floating, it was nice kind of. It felt like he was flying in the endless black. But then, he went crashing to the ground and slamed head first into reality. He remembered passing out in front of the restaurant, woo, that must have been hard for Sam to get him back into the car. Ha, that must have looked funny.
Dean decided he should probably open his eyes, but they didn't seem to agree. So he lay still, trying to figure out where he was, but as all his senses started to take action he recognized the coffee and gunpowder sent of his impala. But it was completely silent, was Sam and his parents still in the restaurant?
Oh that's nice. 'Hey, Dean passed out. What should we do?' 'Just shove him in the backseat and let's finish our breakfast.' Dean grinned slightly to himself at his own stupidity.
Ok, time to get serious. He thought to himself. First off, where the hell is Sam and them? Dean wasn't entirely sure what he was doing himself, but he lay there, not moving, just concentrating. He lay there for God knows how long before he could hear voices, at first he thought it was Sam and John and Mary coming back to the car, but he only heard the voices, nothing else. Not the sound of feet coming closer, not the sound of car doors opening, just…voices.
"No, Dad, why don't you listen?? Something is OBIVOUSLY wrong! He passed out twice! Do you even care??"
"How can you even ask me that, Sam??! He's my SON!"
"More like your soldier, all you want from him is answers for your stupid fight!"
"This isn't just my fight, Sam!! It's our fight!"
"Boys, please!"
"That's what you like to think, isn't it? That a load of bullshit and you know it, Dad!"
"Don't you sass me, boy!"
"Or what, you'll hit me?"
"Boys! Stop it!"
"He's hurting dad! He's got a fucking power for christsake! He was fucking TORTURED for nearly a year! And all you ask him to do is remember it, when anyone in that situation would just want to forget!"
"God damn it, Stop both of you! Right fucking now!!"
Dean let his mind close and fought back the headache coming on. Could he really control this? He wasn't so sure. This was all just to weird, even for him.
Christ, why did this have to be happening? Why couldn't they're family just be a normal, loving, supernatural-powerless, live-in-the-same-place-for-more-than-a-week family? Oh, that's right. They're the Winchesters.
Dean could hear footsteps coming closer the car, and as the car door opened he let the blackness over-take him.
--
"Dean."
Five more minutes.
"Dean."
Stop shaking me!
"Dean!"
Go away Sammy! I don't care if it's Christmas.
"Wake up!" Dean moaned and let his head fall from side to side. "Good, open your eyes, Dean."
Give me a fucking second, Sam!
Dean moaned and did his best to break his eyelids apart. He opened them slits to look up at Sam, who was leaning over him, halfway in the car.
We're still in the car?
"Dean, how ya feelin'?"
"Like I got him by a semi." Dean croaked out. He started to sit up and immediately regretted it, pressing his right hand to his forehead, the left holding him up.
"We just pulled into a motel, you planning on coming inside, or you wanna sleep out here?" Dean stared at him blankly for a moment, Sam just shook his head "C'mon. I already brought our shit inside, mom and dad ran out to get some food." Dean nodded and pushed Sam's hands away as they went to help him.
Once inside the motel room Dean went first for the bathroom, not saying a word to Sam. He turned on the water, waiting for it to heat up. He turned and looked at himself in the mirror and cringed. God, do I really look that bad? His eyes were bloodshot and he looked like he hadn't shaved in a while. His longish hair was sticking in different directions. He still had yet to cut it. He wouldn't admit it to Sam, but he kinda liked having longer hair. He shook his head and turned to the now steaming shower and hopped in.
--
Sam sat at the small table in the motel room, glancing over at Dean every few minutes. His big brother sat on his motel bed, a few papers of past information of the demon lying in his hands, but he wasn't reading them. His eyes were slightly glazed over, staring into space. Sam was worried about him, he hadn't said much since the diner that morning. Had that really only been this morning?
"Dean?"
Dean took a moment to respond, but his eyes focused and he turned to Sam "Hmm?"
"Are you ok?"
Dean blinked at Sam for a moment, as if deep in thought. He sighed and placed the papers aside, moving so he was now sitting on the edge of the bed. "You were right, Sam." He said quietly.
"What?"
"You were right." He said louder, looking up at Sam. "I don't want to remember." Sam paused for a second, a confused look on his face, and then realization hit. Dean sighed and ran his hand through his hair. He looked up at his baby brother "Can't they just understand…I—" Dean paused, Sam could see the tears he was trying to hide "I don't want to remember, Sam." He whispered.
Sam stood and walked across the room, sitting on the edge of his bed so he was across from his brother. "Dean…I…" He was at a true loss for words.
"Don't. Don't say anything." Dean said "Just let me…" Dean paused and suddenly roughly stood. "Damnit, Sam!" Sam jumped at the sudden burst of energy "Dad can be such a fucking asshole!" Sam's eyes widened at Dean's words. "I mean you're the only one who gets it." Dean began to pace, tears in his eyes "All he wants is answers and he doesn't care what it does to…" Dean paused in his words again, still pacing. "I can't do this, Sam." He said quietly, stopping his pace. "I can't. I…I just give up."
Sam stared at Dean for a moment. "You can't give up, Dean." Sam said earnestly
"Puh, yea, easy for you to say."
"No, Dean. If you give up the demon wins and what happened to you, what happened to the other people there, it won't even matter anymore." Sam watched as his older brother crumbled before him. Tears began to spill from Dean's eyes, he spun around hiding them and trying to wipe them away. Sam stood and walked next to his brother. He placed a hand on Dean's shoulder, but Dean jerked away. "Dean-"
"I keep having this one dream." Dean said so quietly that Sam almost didn't catch it.
"What?"
"I keep having this one dream. I—I'm there again and the demon…he'd had a harsh session with me. And I…" Dean trailed off for a moment "And I was hurt pretty bad." He turned his head and stared out the window "And this one girl, Liz…she…she reminded me so much of someone, but now I know…she reminded me of mom…" Dean paused again, taking a deep breath "She…she decided to try to patch me up so I wouldn't get sick or hurt worse and…" he held back a hiccup "and the demon didn't like that very much. He…" Dean stopped unable to go on, the tears now freely flowing down his face, unable to be stopped.
"What did he do?" Sam asked gently, and his worry was fueled more when Dean didn't make a snide remark, but only went on.
"He…he took Liz into The Room…and…he—he raped her Sam." Dean hiccupped again, tears flowing, Sam suppressed his gasp "And he made me watch." Dean shook his head and let himself fall onto his bed "She…she didn't make it through the night. He'd been so rough…" Dean bit back another sob, "She was raped and killed because she wanted me to feel a little bit better. What happened to her…it's all my fault and I couldn't do anything…" Dean let his head fall into his hands to hide his unstoppable tears.
Sam stood frozen, he's known it was bad down there, but that was so much worse then he had even thought of. He shakily sat down next to Dean, putting his arm around his brother. He was slightly surprised when Dean didn't pull away but sat there and cried.
After a moment Dean pulled away from Sam and quickly wiped off his face. "I feel so fucking stupid." He whispered
"Dean, everyone's allowed to cry once in a while."
"Yea, but not me." Dean said, wiping his tears and snot off on his sleeve. Sam bit his lip. He hated how Dean always did this to himself, making himself live up to this impossible standard. Sam opened his mouth to say something but Dean shook his head and said "I think I'm gonna try to get some sleep, Sam. I'm wiped." Sam nodded stupidly and stood, watching Dean climb into bed and turn with his back to Sam and his face to the door.
Sam let out a shaky sigh and walked back over to the table. He sat there for a moment, staring blankly at his computer screen, before he began to silently cry.
How can I help him? He's so broken and won't let anyone even try to fix him…
Well, what didja think? I dunno, I'm not too happy with this chapter but I really didn't wanna leave you guys hanging any longer. You can flame if you feel like it, just leave me something.
Later lovelies!
-claire
