The Rating has changed to M! I think that's necessary now, because of all the violence and violent thoughts in this story. Just in case!
I wish I could say I went numb after that. That I felt nothing. That she took a piece of me with her and now I felt empty. I wish….
I felt dirty, like I needed to escape myself. I wanted fire. To be burned alive in hopes of finally sterilizing myself. I don't know why I felt it, but I was desperate to escape the feeling.
I felt pain. Such an inadequate word….However oddly enough, I did not wish this unbearable torture away. I was pleased it was there. If…couldn't think her name. If she was…
"Agh!" I screamed in anger and squeezed my eyes shut. Why couldn't I think?! Why couldn't I even bring myself think of…
I felt on hysterical. I wished for death now. But not to escape the pain… I wanted it to obliterate the thoughts I could no longer control. To think I had been wondering why I couldn't read other's minds…it seemed painfully obvious now… I was no longer in control of my own! I knew that should frighten me, but my biggest fear is now my reality. What could possibly happen to me that would make things worse?
So no…I was not numb. Far from it. I was fearless and desperate.
"Edward?" The hauntingly familiar voice came from behind me.
I smiled.
"Yes?"
She took my hand "Please don't. You're alright. You don't need me…"
I opened my eyes to look at her. She wasn't there. As I knew.
And I wanted to escape the filth so badly in that moment. I felt trapped in my body.
I hated this pain. What it meant. I hated it with everything I had, which admittedly is not much at all. But I needed it. It was the only thing sane right now. The only thing I could understand. And I wanted more…
Hell. Why create my own, here, when I could have the real deal?
I smiled. Not in pleasure, of course.
Finding the Volturri would take far too long and I was very impatient.
I had a much better idea…
But first, I had a promise to keep. Damn it all…and I took off running right back home.
I paused just outside the door of the house to listen.
"I don't care what you say! It was an idiotic thing to do, Carlisle! Why on earth would let him go BY HIMSELF when he's like this?! "
I was aware they were talking about some one… I was sure I could figure it out, but didn't care enough. What did it matter to me?
I made my way through the door and into the living room to meet them.
"Hello!" I sang.
"Hey, Edward…" The small dark haired one whispered as she stood.
"Alice!" I said aloud as I recognized her! And I darted forward to hug her.
"Edward?"
"Yes?" I stepped away from her.
"Are you alright?"
I laughed. "Not at all!" And I walked over to the window, every one's eyes drilled into my back. I grinned as I was hit with a wave of pain. I couldn't begin to describe what it felt like… I felt like a butcher was sharpening his knives on my chest. I came in stabs and lurches, cutting so far into me….My heart, although it didn't beat, felt masticated. Deep gaping hole all through me…. Sanity and coherency gushed out like blood. I knew with every passing second I was less and less of myself. But this agony was the only thing that I could understand in a world with out….Her……
"How are you feeling?" She asked warily.
"I can't be sure. I'm learning not to trust my own thoughts anymore." I explained.
I smiled as I turned back to face them.
"I'm not sane anymore, you see."
There was a distinct change in expression in each of them, though I could hardly pretend I cared.
"Bella." Carlisle said.
Her name. I closed my eyes. The name I would sell my soul, should I possess one, to be able to think to myself. If I could remember her…. Would it make this synthetic hell, if possible, worse? I couldn't imagine something worse. But maybe there was something beyond imagining….After all, my current state used to be unimaginable….but now…reality. Or would it make it all more bearable?
The pain intensified exponentially. I winced so slightly. Any human would have missed the subtle movement. But my family saw.
Still the pain increased. Had I been human I would have lost consciousness a long time ago. I clenched my jaw, trying desperately not to cry out. Still in the midst of this, I was grateful it was there.
"I'm going." I managed to choke out, "But I'm not going to come back."
"No!" Esme growled. "You will do no such thing."
Like she could stop me… But I said nothing.
I turned on my heels and walked toward the door. A hand caught my shoulder. The light touch burned; like the fire I had wished for earlier. So I did not pull away.
"Promise me you will not go to Italy." Carlisle demanded.
I hesitated. Then, "I will not. I swear."
"You will keep this promise?" He asked.
"I will." I assured him. Why did I need Italy? I had something better in mind…
"Will we ever see you again?" Esme asked desperately.
I stared at her.
"I would imagine so." I admitted, "Eventually."
She nodded.
"We love you, Edward."
Love. What was that word? It was….And I could not think it. I could not think of…..The one who defined the word to me….What had I become?
And I ran out.
I was running to home base now. I did not look forward to seeing my family again, for the next time I would see them would be in hell. I was almost there….and it would soon be over.
REVIEW! Again! I am having troubles writing the way I want! If you have any idea what is wrong with my writing PLEASE tell me!!!!
