Voices in My Heads

Chapter 15: Thoughts of Dean

Hello, my lovely readers! Shocked I'm updating so fast? So am I! Enjoy!

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Sam could only remember one time he felt this terrible: when Dean had first been kidnapped. He could remember feeling how it was his entire fault. If only he'd been more alert he wouldn't have been hit, and even then he should have gotten up faster. If Dean had been the one who had been hit he would have forced himself up and gotten Sam safe. He would never have let that happen to Sam. And even if by some freak chance he did he would have found Sam a lot faster than two years.

As he sat in the plastic chair in the hospital waiting room he couldn't help but feel like crying. He had failed him. He'd failed his big brother. He'd let him get hurt, and it was all Sam's fault. He'd spent so much of his time fighting his father and trying to do things on his own. If he'd just set his pride aside, as Dean had said, and worked with his family none of this would have every happened.

Dean was always there. No matter when, where or how Dean was there. When Sam was upset as a kid, Dean would always be there to comfort him and make him feel better. When things got screwed up as adults, Dean would crack a joke and make him feel better. When Sam got hurt, both as a child and as an adult, Dean would patch him up. And he would always be as gentle as possible, making sure Sam had everything he needed before tending to himself.

That was the thing about Dean, he never put himself or his needs first. He always put others, his family especially, first. Dean's arm could be only hanging on by a nerve ending, and yet he'd tend to Sam's minor cut on his arm before even acknowledging his injury. Even when Dean was sick with fever or delusional from a concussion he'd always make sure to ask, "Sam, you ok?" And Sam would always want to laugh and cry in the same moment and just smack his brother. He wanted to say, "Stop thinking about me! Worry about yourself!"

And Dean's self-sacrificing wasn't limited to his physical well being. Even if it caused himself some emotional damage he'd do whatever he could to save his family. Especially when Sam and John would fight. Sam knew what a terrible effect his and his father's fights had on his brother, and yet he let his selfish side take over and he'd fight anyway. But despite that Dean would step in-between their fights and bark at them to stop. That would usually lead to some cruel comments thrown Dean's way and he would always act unfazed and order both men to go cool off. And even after that Dean would go and talk to both parties, making sure all was settled before backing off.

Dean was the glue that held their family together. If he…if he didn't come back to them, Sam knew they would fall apart.

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John could only remember one time he felt this terrible: when Dean had first been kidnapped. He could remember feeling how it was his entire fault. He'd been the one to send his boys on that hunt alone. "It's a simple one." He had said, "Should only take a day or two." Man had he been fucking wrong. He told his sons it was just an angry spirit. Quick salt and burn. No big deal. Right? Wrong. Turns out it was a trap set by some demons. They got his son, his boy because of his mistake.

As he sat in the plastic chair in the hospital waiting room he couldn't help but feel like crying. He had failed him. He had failed his eldest son. He'd spent too much time fighting with Sam and trying to feel like he was doing something even if what he was doing had nothing to do with finding Dean. If he'd spent all his time trying to find Dean maybe all of this wouldn't have happened. Maybe Dean would have been ok.

Dean was always there. No matter when, where or how Dean was there. Even when Dean was a young little boy he would try to comfort his daddy. John would come back from a hunt, Mary already asleep with baby Sammy, and Dean would get up from where he'd been waiting for his dad. He'd help his daddy clean up or put things away. Hell, he'd just get cloths for his dad to change into if that was all he could do. And if John was deep in his tortured thoughts Dean would take his dad's hand and say "It'll be ok, daddy." And just because he heard it from his son he couldn't help but want to believe it. Even when he got older he would still do that. He could be in a hospital room and John would be sitting by his bed, trying not to cry and Dean would weakly take John's hand and say "It'll be ok, dad."

That was the thing about Dean, he never put himself or his needs first. He always put others, his family especially, first. They could be in the middle of a hunt and he could have blood gushing from his own head, arm and leg and he'd still force himself up to push one of them out of the way of a bullet. John could remember one time in particular when it had just been Dean and John. They had been fighting a rather nasty werewolf that wasn't giving up easy. John couldn't get a good shot at it, but then it ran full force at John. John barely had time to react before he felt someone tackle him from the side. The only explanation he was met with was the agonized scream of his oldest son as the wolf dug its claws into Dean's back. John had used all the bullets in his gun on that bastard.

And Dean's self-sacrificing wasn't limited to his physical well being. Even if it caused himself some emotional damage he'd do whatever he could to save his family. Especially when John and Sam would fight. John can remember more than one occasion where he'd said something terrible to his eldest when he'd step into the fight. And even when he and Sam would say cruel things Dean would still manage to get them to listen and stop fighting. Dean had always been better at playing referee than Mary, which is why when he was gone the family had been thrown into terrible turmoil. And even after John or Sam had said something terrible Dean would come and make sure they were ok after a fight. John can remember feeling so terrible when Dean would say "It's ok, dad. He knows you didn't mean what you were saying." And John would want so badly to say, "He's not the one I'm worried about, he never takes me seriously. It's you I'm worried about, Dean! You!" But he would always be so riled up from the fight and he wouldn't want to back down so he'd never actually say it. John really wishes he'd said it now.

Dean was the glue that held their family together. If he died John knew they would fall apart.

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Mary could only remember one time he felt this terrible: when Dean had first been kidnapped. She could remember feeling how it was her entire fault. She could remember how she just kept thinking she should have never brought her baby boys into this life style. What kind of mother was she bringing her boys into this life?? Endangering them every day? To avenge her own mother? How selfish could she be?! Now her baby, her Dean was in the back of an emergency room – as if he hadn't suffered enough over the past two years! – because she was such a selfish woman.

As she sat in the plastic chair in the hospital waiting room she couldn't help but feel like crying. She had failed him. She'd failed her baby boy. Everyone saw her as the weak point in the Mighty Winchester Army, and that may not be totally off. Sure she was the weakest out of them all but she sure as hell wasn't weak. If she ever got her hands on the yellow-eyed-fucker she'd claw his yellow eyes out with her bare hands. No one messed with her baby and got away with it. No one.

Dean was always there. No matter when, where or how Dean was there. Even when he was a little boy and Mary would be at home worrying about John while he was off on some hunt Dean would come up to her and make her feel better any way he could. Whether it be to show her he'd taught little Sammy something new, to say something encouraging, or just to get her mind off it with conversations about anything. He'd always make sure she was smiling and would force her to go to bed when he knew that John would be messed up when he got home. He was always looking out for his family, and Mary couldn't be happier that she'd raised such a wonderful young man.

That was the thing about Dean, he never put himself or his needs first. He always put others, his family especially, first. Mary had been told about and witnessed Dean's complete selflessness on more than one occasion. On almost every hunt he would do what he could to bring one of them from harms way, even – and usually – if that meant bringing himself into danger. That was the thing. He didn't care about himself. The only thing he cared about was his family. And Mary's maternal instincts told her this is why he'd done this tonight. That was why he ran off to fight the demon himself. He did it to save his family, even if that meant getting himself killed. Mary loved her baby boy so much for being so selfless but at the same time she wanted to smack him for it.

And Dean's self-sacrificing wasn't limited to his physical well being. Even if it caused himself some emotional damage he'd do whatever he could to save his family. Especially when the boys fought. Mary always tried to step in but she never got through to them as Dean did. She would yell at them, beg them to stop. But they never listened. But not Dean. Dean would jump in-between the two men who were ready to kill each other. They would say cruel things to him and tell him to shove off, but he wouldn't let up until they backed off of each other. Even then he would go make sure they were ok. He'd talk to them both; reassure them both that the other still loved them. Then after he got through to them he'd come make sure Mary was ok. He'd comfort her and just say, "They're too alike, and sometimes their stubbornness gets in the way of their intelligence…well, what little they have, anyway." And Mary would laugh and kiss her son on the cheek. He was always trying to make sure everyone around him felt good, even if he himself was dying inside. All Mary wanted to do was hug her baby boy and make the pain go away with a kiss from mommy.

Dean was the glue that held their family together. If they lost their Dean, Mary knew they would fall apart.

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Missouri watched the three Winchesters with a sad eye. She knew they were all thinking the same thing. That they were all blaming themselves and trying to prepare for the worst. Missouri herself could feel tears stinging her eyes. She had gotten close to Dean after everything that had happened to him. She felt bad that it took such a tragedy for her to get close to the boy. She had always teased him, but he truly was a good, selfless boy.

She watched his family continued to sit silently, thinking of their Dean. But all their heads shot up in unison when the doctor called:

"Family of Dean Eppes?"

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So, what didja think? More of a contemplative chapter than anything else…And I know, Mary's section was a bit weak. Personally, my favorite was John's. I feel bad for making him such a dick in this story…Anyway, please review and tell me what ya' think! Loved it or hated it, drop me a line!

-claire

PS: Anyone catch my Numb3rs shout out at the end?