I wanted to write angst but it didn't work out. Really, really different. Again, writing form the POV of someone who is not part of our travelling merangerie. I'll explain it fully at the end. I hope that you enjoy.
Counsellor
XX
Life was boring back then. The days passed me by at a lazy crawl. Peaceful, unchanging, calm days that would slowly merge into the next, passing me by without me even noticing. The seasons changed from spring to summer to autumn to winter, to spring again, changing with hardly a transition in between, changing without me even feeling that change.
The road to that building was lined with cherry blossoms in full bloom. I suppose that it must have been spring. I don't really care much for the seasons, never did and doubt that I ever will. Even as the petals drifted right in front of my face, I never really saw them. Everything that I saw a little distanced from me. Everything that I felt was just a little dulled. I didn't care about anything. There was nothing to care about. There was nothing worth caring about.
It was this apathetic attitude that had made those Suits force me to go to that building. It was my total disregard for everything that made them force me to go there, sit down and talk about nothing.
It was such a waste of my time. This counselling that they called it was nothing more than some old man pretending to know what he was talking about and I, sitting there, pretending to listen.
It was with a sense of resignation that I entered the counselling room, with the utmost conviction that this was just some bothersome waste of my time, and that was how I met my new Sensei.
"Ah, Kuro-chan! Sit down. Didn't you hear me? You must be tired. Please take a seat, Kuro-rin."
From the very moment I walked into that room, he surprised me. No one, and I mean no one, ever shortened my name, at least, no one who had a healthy attachment to their own limbs ever shortened my name.
Kuro-chan sounded like such a girl's name. Just hearing it made me bristle but he drawled out that obscene nickname, saying it with a slightly teasing tone that sounded…almost slutty.
"I'm sorry," I replied tersely, keeping my teeth gritted together to try and retain some civility. "I don't know anyone by that name."
"Ah," he looked at me knowingly, as if he had expected such a response, and he would continue to give me that look every now and then for the rest of the time that I knew him.
He got out of his chair. It was one of those ridiculous office chairs with wheels that children like to spin on. He walked towards me but instead of stopping he passed me and made his way to the door, shutting it firmly. I heard a click and spun around.
"W - what are you doing?"
"You have a choice, Kuro-chi," he replied patiently, using another horrible nickname. "You can either sit down and have some gummi bears like a good boy or you can be difficult and force me to take…disciplinary measures."
A strange expression washed over his face. I don't think it's much of an exaggeration to say that he looked positively evil at that point. Like some sort of sadistic demon. It was enough to make me take a grudging seat on the couch opposite his desk.
"Aren't you going to have a gummi bear?" the councillor, returning to his former sweetness, pointed at the bowl on the table before me.
"I hate sweets," I pushed them away. Just because he had made me sit did not mean that I had to do anything else for him.
He looked as if he had expected such a response and set at his desk. He was not like the other councillors that I had met before. For one thing, he was quite young, perhaps somewhere in his twenties. His blond hair and blue eyes told him to be a foreigner, perhaps from overseas, and his mannerisms and childish behaviour were almost despicable.
"Now, Kuro-kichi, you're still in middle school, correct?" He began questioning me. I rolled my eyes. This was going to be boring.
"Yeah, so what?"
"My mistake. You're supposed to be in middle school, if only you would attend," he looked up from his papers to smile.
"There's nothing wrong with being a delinquent," I fidgeted uncomfortably. His gaze pinned me where I sat. His smile knew too much. It was disturbing.
"At middle school? It's not considered cool until you get to high school."
"What do you know?"
"You don't like it?"
"I hate it," I sharply turned away from him, not wanting to look into those blue eyes.
"You don't like home either," he continued. "You don't like your foster parents. Do you like puppies?"
"Puppies?" I jerked up, surprised by such an unexpected question.
"I'll buy you a puppy if you want," he offered.
I had no idea what he was talking about but by then I was wondering if he was not the one in need of counselling and what he had done with the real councillor. "I hate puppies!"
"There's not much that you like, is there?" he said absently.
"I like it when stupid councillors stop trying to think that they can understand me! I like it when people stop thinking that they can open me up like some machine and see what makes me tick! No one can understand me!" I yelled. I hated being there, in that office, having to talk to people I did not care about and did not care about me.
I hated the absurdity of it. I hated being observed like an animal. Everything about the system of counselling, I despised. I hated thinking about my so-called family. Hated having to live one pointless day after another not really knowing where I was going whilst the world passed me by.
"Kuro-chan…"
I hated looking at other people's happiness, at their smiles and laughter that I could never take part in. Looking from behind the glass, always only looking in.
"No one understands anything! The teachers! Stupid councillors like you! My so-called parents! I - "
"You're lonely," he said softly, but with a hardness that took me aback. "Ever since your real parents died and you had to move far away to be with your adopted mother and father, it's been hard, hasn't it?"
"I like being alone," I replied quickly, feeling the conversation spinning dangerously close to a sore spot.
"It's safer to be alone," he said.
"What?"
His smile was too disturbing. How could he smile at me like that, as if he could see into my soul? Yet his smile was kind and gentle and just a little bit lonely too.
He put aside his pen and came towards me, kneeling on one leg so that we could look at each other face to face.
"You're strong," he spoke gently, "You can get by on your own, without relying on anyone. If you're alone, you don't have to worry about being hurt; you don't have to deal with people. If you're not happy you don't have to worry about losing it but…even so…sometimes, when you stare out into the blue sky, it feels just a little bit empty inside."
"Sensei…" I breathed. I was not sure what to say. Whether I should yell and shout and deny everything or fall into absolute silence.
"Of course, I'm just guessing all of this!" he suddenly stood, laughing like an idiot.
I almost fell onto my face.
"Sensei!" I yelled at him.
He grinned at me in reply. "Are you mad? You said so yourself, no one can understand you but you. Only you can make sense of whom you are and what you want to do. I can only be there to support you."
For the first time in my life, I was at loss for words.
Sensei was not like the other councillors that I had met before. For one thing, he was quite young, perhaps somewhere in his twenties. His blond hair and blue eyes told him to be a foreigner, perhaps from overseas, and his mannerisms and childish behaviour were almost adorable.
I could have made it, I told myself. I could have endured the dull days and the pointlessness of my life. I could have put up with the disdain of others. I could have gone through life completely alone, only watching other people's happiness, walking through the cold without ever touching anyone and not even feel sorry for myself. I could get used to sliding along the surface of life and say to myself 'it's not so bad like this.' Being on the outside, always looking in.
Yet, for some reason, I could have put up with all that abandonment and loneliness, but the moment someone was kind to me, the moment someone cared I suddenly could not handle it anymore. Sensei's understanding gaze crushed me. It made me break down and cry.
XX
Days passed me by quicker than I could remember. I started going to school again. Not going would have made Sensei nag and worry and his nagging and worrying was just too bothersome for me to deal with, so I went.
As suspected, school was both pointless and boring but I could stand it somehow. I was allowed to visit Sensei whenever I wanted, usually after school when I did not want to go home. Sensei was always there. He never seemed to go home. I began to suspect that he might even be living there, sleeping under his desk.
The image of him, stealing candy from the vending machines, sleeping in his office and living off his secret stash of gummi bears was a picture that entertained me during the most boring of lessons.
"The teachers piss me off! Everyone in my class is an idiot too!" I yelled once, storming into his office. All question of formality had been broken down between us. I even allowed those stupid nicknames.
Sensei held up a bowl of familiar, brightly coloured sweets. "Have a gummi bear, Kuro-chan, and tell me about it."
XX
"So my folks have set me a curfew, can you believe it? I only just met Tomoyo and already they're doing stuff to drive her away!"
"You want her to stay?" Sensei tilted his head to one side, looking at me from across the table where I sat, in my usual place and he in his.
"I…I don't care either way!"
"Your parents are just worried about you. If you talk to them reasonably instead of charging in like a deranged dog…"
"Why do you always compare me to a dog?" I asked grudgingly.
"It's because you're cute, just like a puppy!" he squealed with delight. He would have probably reached out and hugged me but doing so would have made me spill his precious gummi bears onto the floor so he contented with grinning at me inanely and asking "Are you happy now, Kuro-chi?"
"That's…not a question that is easily answered," I stuttered, taken aback by such its bluntness
He nodded wisely. "Good. I'd be disappointed if you were able to say yes or no so easily. It's meant to be a struggle. Your life is supposed to be balanced by joy and sorrow. That's what living is."
I stared at my shoes thoughtfully. Not that my shoes were particularly interesting or wise, it was just that they were the best things to stare at during that moment. Sensei was…he was impossible to pin down. Bright and cheery yet wise and understanding, it seemed, just being with him, made things clearer.
"Sensei," I began, looking up again, "did you always think of things the way you do now?"
"Nope!" he laughed. "Actually, I used to be a little like you inside. I would smile and laugh and pretend to be cheery but on the inside I was just like you; lost and confused and really, really lonely," he smiled at something distant.
I probably should not have asked about his private life, his eccentric behaviour should have more than warded me off, but my curiosity was stronger than all forms of sense.
"What happened, Sensei?"
"I met him," he gave nothing but vague answers, completely unwilling to divulge more than he wanted to. "I think that I was more stubborn than you. He almost killed me a few times trying to bring out the real me and I almost killed him for it too."
"He must be a really great guy," I said absently. At least, I tried to look as if I didn't care but I was awed by anyone whom Sensei could talk about so fondly.
"Yes, he is," Sensei replied, smiling as if he knew some special kind of secret and looking at me with blue eyes that seemed to gaze into my soul.
XX
Every meeting also means that there will be a parting. That was what he told me.
At that time, I thought, if that's true than I never want to meet anyone again. Everyone will leave in the end anyway.
"Oh, Kurogane. Sensei is in his office," the woman at the reception told me as I walked in.
I nodded and walked straight for Sensei's office. I knew Sensei would be there. He was always there. His office was the first door on the right. It had no name on it but a golden number plate with the digits 02 on the dark mahogany.
I reached out for the handle but an unfamiliar voice stopped me from opening it. Sensei had never had visitors before and, as far as I knew, I was the only one under his care.
"You should see him. He's soooo adorable!" Sensei's voice was unmistakable. Even without the long drawing out of his syllables, his voice was almost unlike any other.
"I don't want to see him!" the other voice muttered. It was so different from Sensei's voice that I almost drew back. It was deep and rough, distinctively male, and somewhat dangerous.
"Aw, now don't be like that. The two of us have become the best of friends," Sensei replied blithely, not the least intimidated by the absolute power that was carried in this man's voice.
"The princess is ready to travel again. We'll be leaving soon," the voice dipped low and spoke in soft tones. It was almost tender.
I pressed my ear closer to the door, all guilt gone. I just wanted to know what was going on. Who was this stranger with the dangerous, powerful voice that could speak so gently?
"I know, I'm almost packed," Sensei replied, his voice too becoming washed over with something that might have been mistaken for affection.
I jerked away from door.
"Leave that junk behind!" the other growled.
"Leave it behind? I couldn't possibly do that!"
Sensei was leaving?
"You've been spending all your time here!"
"Jealous? Should I be giving you more love and attention?"
Sensei was going to leave? I don't know how I felt about it at that moment. Maybe I was just a little sad.
"L - like I care! Just be ready to leave!"
Footsteps closed in on me, heavy footsteps that could not possibly belong to Sensei.
I pulled away and dived down the corridor, hiding myself behind a corner as the door opened. I did not see much of his face; I did not dare stick my head out too far to peek. He was tall and strong and took long, purposeful strides. He carried himself confidently and I wondered if this was the person that Sensei had praised.
I wish that I had seen his face but he wore a long dark cape and had pulled his hood up to shroud his face. A cosplay freak? It was hard picturing slightly eccentric but practical Sensei falling for someone like that.
I jerked away from my train of thought. Why had I assumed that Sensei would be in a relationship with that man?
Well, the "Should I be giving you more love and attention?" line was a bit of a give-away.
Still, it made me feel…a little angry. Maybe I was jealous. I don't really think of Sensei in that sense but sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly hormonal and a bit of a girl, I think that perhaps, maybe, I could have fallen for him. Maybe. If he wasn't so much older than I was and already loving some cosplay freak.
I can't remember how long a stayed in hiding before I remembered where I was and returned to Sensei's office.
The door was open and he was packing things into a large cardboard box. All the books on his shelf had been cleared away, leaving them unpleasantly empty and the weird gadgets and gizmos on his desk had all disappeared.
"S - Sensei?" I knocked and walked in without waiting for him to invite me.
"Hmm? Oh, hello, Kuro-chan," he greeted me absently, pushing more things into an already over-packed box.
"Sensei, are you leaving? Your desk…"
"You're almost out of middle school, aren't you? I didn't know that I had stayed here for so long. It was never my intention to linger but Sakura-chan…" he trailed away, clearly avoiding my question. I was not quite sure of what he was talking about but I was determined not to let him dodge the question. I didn't want him to run away from it.
"Wait, Sensei! You can't leave! What am I supposed to do if you go?" I cried, trying to catch his attention from his cleaning.
Sensei turned to look at me, gently smiling. "Unfortunately, every meeting also means that there will be a parting but you don't need to worry. You're strong, Kuro-rin and you're already getting on with things just fine."
"But, Sensei…" I protested.
"Always remember, when you're feeling down…" he began.
"…Have a gummi bear," I finished, though without the cheer with which Sensei had started.
"Right! Just remember that and you'll be fine!"
"Are you going somewhere on your own or are you going to be with that person from before?" I continued to question him.
"I'm going to be with him…and a few others," he replied.
"Where?"
"Who knows?"
"Do you expect to part with him too one day?"
Sensei stopped.
I watched him closely.
He raised his hand to brush a stray strand of blond from his eyes. His expression was contemplative, then he slowly began to smile. It was a strange, small, inward smile, as if he knew a secret that he would not divulge.
"Maybe," he spoke softly, in barely more than a whisper. "Yes. I suppose so."
"Sensei…" I tried to say something. I wanted to ask how, if he expected to part one day, how he could bring himself to be with anyone. If everyone was going to leave you, wasn't it better to be alone? You can't miss what you never had.
Yet I think I already knew the answer and Sensei was back to his perky self.
"You can have my gummi bear collection!" he offered, bringing out packs upon packs of gummi bears from the hollow inside what I had always thought to have been a very large dictionary. So that was where he kept them.
"On last question," I urged him. "Sensei, what's your name?"
He stopped again and smiled at me, beckoning me closer with a finger. He stooped down and brought he lips so close to my ear that I could have blushed.
"Big Kitty," he whispered and pranced out of the door.
XX
Sensei, it's been almost a year since then. I'm in high school now, currently sitting at my desk by the window staring out at nothing. Life is boring and I'm still surrounded by idiots but I'm getting on.
"Class, we have a new student. He just transferred here from overseas. Please, everyone, make him feel welcome."
I wouldn't say that I'm happy but I'm content. I know where I'm going and what I want to do with my life.
"Pleased to meet you."
But Sensei, sometimes, it still bothers me, y'know?
"My name is Fai. I just transferred here. It's a pleasure."
You never did tell me your name.
Okay, here's the explanation for anyone who didn't get it. Baisically, the group has landed in a new world and Fai got a job as a councillor whilst searching for Sakura's feather and came to look after Little Kurogane from that world. However, the story is told from Little Kurogane's POV so he of course doesn't know about the feather or that the man Fai/Sensei was talking to was another, older version of himself.
Phew, I hope that wasn't too confusing. Next chapter will have some much needed KuroFai action!
