Chapter 8
Not wanting to go home and knowing there was nowhere else he could go, Elliot headed to the station. Since he wasn't actually scheduled to work for several hours, he went to the crib after putting his suitcase in his locker. He tried hard to sleep, but he was suddenly more confused than he'd ever been. Why had Olivia been so angry with him? He thought he knew the answer, though. She was angry because he was giving her a glimpse of what it would be like not to be alone anymore, to have someone there to care about her, but it was no more than a glimpse. It couldn't last long, and she would be even more miserable once he left.
But he couldn't just leave her alone. They were friends, and he didn't want her to suffer. He couldn't help wondering yet again if that's really all it was, though. They had been partners for nearly a decade, had worked closely with each other, had gone through incredible things together. Had it become more than just friendship? Was Kathy maybe right, even if she was wrong about them sleeping together? Elliot didn't know. He still cared about Kathy, though admittedly not the way he used to, and because he was a married man he had never thought about Olivia that way, never looked at her that way.
There was no question whether he thought Olivia was attractive. But thinking she was attractive wasn't enough to say he had feelings for her. Besides, even if he did have feelings for her, what if she didn't feel the same way? He couldn't just open up to her, if she didn't feel the same way it could ruin their partnership forever. He still had to decide how he really felt, anyway, and that was becoming an increasingly confusing issue. It had felt good to have her in his arms, but that didn't mean much. He cared about her, after all, and that could just mean they were good friends, as Elliot had always claimed. Eventually Elliot gave up trying to figure things out and fell into a restless sleep.
Olivia woke up just as Elliot was starting work. She felt somewhat rested and her leg felt a little better, though it would probably be a while before she could walk normally again. Still, she felt horrible. She hadn't meant to be so mean to Elliot; he was just trying to make her feel better, after all. It was just so hard to have someone there with her and know that he belonged to someone else. It reminded her how lonely she was suddenly and the pain had become unbearable. The pain had triggered her anger towards Elliot, and now she regretted it. He was her best friend, and he had only wanted to comfort her.
There was more to it, though, and Olivia couldn't deny it. When he had wrapped his arms around her, rubbing her back gently but firmly, she had felt almost light-headed, his touch almost burning her skin in that can't-get-enough sort of way. The feeling had scared her, and she couldn't let that happen again. Where had it come from, anyway? She had never felt that way about Elliot before. Well, that wasn't entirely true. At times, when she was really upset about a case, she wished she could curl up in his arms and drift off to sleep next to him, but the urge to cuddle hardly counted as sexual attraction. That morning, though, had left her heart racing. She wanted more than anything to tell him what had happened, tell him what was upsetting her so much, but she was afraid of what opening up like that might do. There were more things on her mind, things she had never told Elliot but was burning to tell him, but she couldn't tell him those things, either. And once she opened up, she was afraid she would let them all spill out until she had revealed her deepest secrets, and she could never take that sort of thing back.
Why did it have to be Elliot? Why now? He was her partner, he friend, nothing more. He belonged with Kathy and his kids, and she couldn't get in the way of that. At least, she told herself, the decision was easy to make. She wouldn't let herself get in the way of Elliot's family. It didn't matter how she felt about Elliot, nothing would ever happen, and she told herself that whenever she found herself agonizing over her feelings for him, which seemed to be happening more and more often.
Hungry and bored, Olivia decided to make herself something to eat. Unfortunately there was almost no food in her apartment, and her leg was too sore to go grocery shopping. Once again she wished she had someone who could take care of her, do things for her, and she cursed herself for sending Elliot away. Then she cursed herself again for thinking about Elliot, because it was not his job to go shopping for Olivia. He had his own family, his own responsibilities, and Olivia had to accept that. She thought about going out to eat, but she didn't like the thought of everyone staring at her injuries, which were painfully obvious. Finally she grabbed the last apple out of the fridge and settled for watching a movie. The one she had watched the night before was still in the machine and she hadn't actually watched it, so she turned it on, not even remembering what it was. She curled up with the heating pads again and snacked on the apple while she watched, trying to forget about her misery.
"Elliot, how's Liv doing?" Casey had just entered the squadroom, intending to talk to Cragen, but paused when she saw Elliot at his desk.
"She's alright, I guess," he said with a shrug.
"Too stubborn to admit she's in pain?"
"Pretty much. She'll be alright soon enough."
"How about you, how are you doing?"
He looked up at Casey, a little surprised. "Fine, why?"
"It must have been stressful for you when she went missing, and now she won't talk to you about it, right? You just seem…tired. Emotionally, I mean. You sure you're alright?"
Elliot shrugged. "Yeah, I'll be fine. Thanks, Casey." She nodded and headed to the Captain's office. Elliot, knowing he wouldn't be able to focus and they weren't exceptionally busy, grabbed his coat and headed out after leaving a quick message with Munch. He got in his car and started driving, not really sure what he was doing.
The movie was almost over when Olivia heard a knock at her door. She shut off the TV and DVD player, not really caring about that movie, and got up to answer the door. When she opened it she was surprised to see Elliot yet again. "What are you doing here?" She was not happy to see him, but she couldn't find it in her to be angry or upset with him, either.
"Something's bothering you. I wanna know what it is."
"It's nothing, Elliot, just leave me alone." She started to close the door, but Elliot put his arm up to stop her. "Let go!" She said, startled.
"No, I'm not leaving until you talk to me," he said firmly, his jaw muscles clenching.
"Yes, you are!" Olivia planted her hands firmly and his chest and shoved hard, using her good leg for support. He stumbled backwards, not expecting the action and she nearly fell herself. Elliot grabbed her and they spun in the narrow hallway and Olivia ended up banging into the wall, Elliot's hands on either side of her to steady himself.
Elliot's anger melted instantly. "I'm so sorry, Liv, are you okay?" He didn't know how hard she had hit the wall. He hadn't meant to spin her like that, he had just lost his balance and grabbed at her instinctively, her weight throwing him off further. She was already hurt enough without him throwing her against the wall.
"I'm fine," she said angrily, shoving away the hand he had laid on her head. She was worried about her and she understood that, but it was getting harder to push him away and she didn't like that.
"I didn't mean to hurt you. It's just…dammit, Liv, why can't you talk to me? You've always come to me before." She was surprised by the hurt in his voice, and he was a little surprised himself.
"El, you don't understand." She shook her head.
"Then help me!"
Tears came to Olivia's eyes again and she wiped them away furiously, tired of crying infront of Elliot but unable to stop. "I lost it, Elliot. Blind animal terror."
"What are you talking about?" He took a step closer and Olivia took a step back, wrapping her arms around herself.
"They were going to rape me. They were arguing about it. One of them wanted to wait until they took me to wherever we were going, the other one didn't want to. I…I couldn't…" Sobs were threatening to escape and she fought them back with a few shaky breaths before continuing. "I just lost it. All I could think was 'I can't let them rape me'." A small sob escaped before she could swallow it.
"Liv," Elliot took another step forward but Olivia put her hand up to him, taking another step back.
"I was too panicked to even think. They were arguing. The door was open and they were arguing, not even paying attention. I got away because they were idiots, but I just completely broke down. I couldn't…" She shook her head, closing her eyes against the burning tears that escaped anyway.
"I understand, Olivia. But you got away, that's all that matters."
"No, that's not all that matters! They were going to rape me, Elliot, don't pretend you fucking understand that!"
"I see victims every day just like you do!"
"How many of those perps do you think have wanted to rape you?! How close have you come to being violated, Elliot? Ever been down on your knees begging for help, begging for someone not to rape you, knowing no one can hear you where you are and the man infront of you sure as hell doesn't care, ever been there, Elliot?"
Elliot was puzzled suddenly. Is that what happened in the van? That didn't seem right. Why was she begging if she had a bat handy to whack the guy? And didn't she say the men couldn't decide whether or not to wait, and they had been arguing about it when she escaped? So was she lying? He didn't know anymore. "Liv…what happened in that van?"
Olivia gasped, just loud enough for Elliot to hear. She shook her head quickly. "Go away!" She tried to get back in the apartment, but Elliot grabbed her arms. He didn't like doing that to her, but he had to hear the truth. He was scared of what keeping it bottled up might do to her.
"Tell me what happened," He said, holding both wrists in one strong hand and forcing her to look at him with the other. They were so close he could feel her breath on his face.
"Nothing, Elliot. I saw the bat when they opened the doors. One of them tried to climb into the van and the other one pulled him out. They started arguing and I saw the bat." Tears were streaming down her cheeks and he could feel some of them rolling over the hand he had on her cheek.
He shook his head. "There's something you're not telling me. What you said before, what did you mean?"
"Nothing, I was just ranting." She tried to free herself but he held her firmly.
"Don't lie to me!" She couldn't believe his anger.
Sobbing, Olivia dropped her gaze and Elliot dropped his hand to her shoulder. "The prison," she sobbed. "The guard attacked me. I tried to get away but…but the door was locked. He hit me and…he pulled down his pants. I…begged him to stop…" She was sobbing hard now, barely able to speak.
"He raped you?" Elliot couldn't believe what he was hearing. How did he not know about it? He knew she had been attacked at the prison, but she had never talked about it.
Olivia shook her head and Elliot remembered Fin. He must have arrived just on time. Now Elliot understood why Fin never talked about the prison, either. He had witnessed Olivia begging a perp to leave her alone, probably sobbing as hard as she was now, and had stayed silent out of respect for her. Now he finally knew the full story and he was mad at himself for not being the one to save her. He released her hands and she collapsed. He caught her and they both fell to the floor. Elliot leaned back against the wall and Olivia rested her head against his chest and continued to sob quietly. He wrapped his arms around her and rested his cheek on the top of her head, stroking her hair.
As her sobs began to subside, Olivia looked up at him as if she was startled to see him there. He gave a sort of half smile that was more a stretching of his lips that anything. He didn't feel much like smiling and it didn't feel like an appropriate gesture, anyway. Without any warning, Olivia lifted herself up a little farther and brushed her lips against Elliot's. At first he was surprised, but he couldn't ignore the heat swirling between them and the passion of their emotions. He returned the kiss passionately and Olivia wrapped her arms around his neck.
Before they could think twice about what they were doing, before their minds could scream at their bodies about how wrong it was, they were on their feet, stumbling back into the apartment without breaking their kiss. Olivia slipped off Elliot sweatshirt and he slipped off her t-shirt, both tossed carelessly to the floor. "What are we doing?" Elliot asked breathlessly, barely separating his lips from hers.
"Don't say it. Don't ask questions," Olivia said, pulling him towards her bedroom. He kicked off his shoes on the way, knocking them off balance and twisting so he landed on the bed with Olivia on top of him.
"This is wrong." But Elliot had no intention of stopping.
"Don't care." The reached down to undo each other's pants, Olivia first kicking hers off and then slipping Elliot's down farther with her feet so he could kick them off. Elliot broke their kissing finally to slide farther back on the bed and Olivia followed him. Their bodies now overpowered their minds and finally silenced their confused, screaming thoughts.
Sorry, folks, but I don't write smut. Hope you're not too disappointed. And don't worry, any of you readers mad at me for turning Olivia into a home-wrecker, there's still plenty more story to come!
