Postman
XX
Dear idiot,
I am writing to you regarding the letter that you sent me, which consisted of your very extensive vocabulary of two words. The first word being unfit for the princess to find in the morning mail and the other word defining a small, stupid mammal with blue eyes and blond hair. In response to the proposal in your letter, I think that you should know that I am bluntly refusing you. Sleep in your own bed tonight.
Regards, Kurogane
(P.S. Why are you sending me mail anyway? We live in the same house, you stupid spaz)
XX
Dear Kuro-muu,
Wow! I'm so happy that you actually took the time to write. They say that writing your letters by hand shows a comfortable intimacy with the person that you are sending it to. This shows a dazzling devotion to your profession. You're a role model to postmen everywhere!
By the way, Kuro-chi, I'm writing to you because that way at least you'll have one letter to deliver so they can't fire you for incompetence. I'm helping out with your work you see, so I can't understand why you're so mean to me. I don't annoy you that much, do I?
Love, Fai
XX
Dear moron,
I can't understand why you're so mean to me. I don't annoy you that much, do I?
Understatement of the year.
I have five perfectly valid reasons why you are dangerous to my mental sanity. Of course, there are many more, but there are five primary reasons. Do I need to go through them all? Let's start with number one, shall we?
1. The bastardisation of my name:
Namely by you. My name is Kurogane. K-U-R-O-G-A-N-E. Not Kuro-muu or Kuro-chan, Kuro-tan, Kuro-pin, Kuro-wan, Kuro-chi, Kuro-pon, Kuro-wanko, or anything else that begins with 'Kuro' and doesn't end in 'gane.' In all the months that we have been travelling through space and time together, how can you still not get that? If an animated pork bun with a level of I.Q that would insult a glass of water can understand that, why can't you?
No, actually don't answer that
Kurogane
XX
Dear Kuro-bun,
You forgot the above nickname when making your list. Besides, I could ask you the same thing. I am sure that I have told you my name before but just in case you suffer from Alzheimer's I'll tell you again. It's Fai. It's not idiot, moron, fool, stupid mage/wizard/magician, crazy tripped-out spaz or anything along those lines.
We could always make a compromise. I'll call you Kurogane if you call me 'The all-powerful ruler of the universe, great almighty Fai'
Think about it
Yours, Fai
XX
Dear asshole,
You forgot the above 'nickname' when making your list. By the way, I will call you that ridiculously long name when hell freezes over and the dimensional witch can spend twenty-four hours sober without getting the twitches.
Here's what else annoys me about you:
2. The clothes
Being a living, full functioning, who-the-hell-knows-how-old-you-are male, surely I would think that you would be perfectly capable of dressing yourself in manner that does not insult males everywhere. I suppose your mother dressed you up in that white and black monkey suit and oversized coat that you came flying into our first world with, so I'll be lenient and won't blame you for that, but what about the other outfits, huh? What were you thinking?
Jade? Tri-corner hats? Knee-high boots? What were you thinking? Are you a French aristocrat in disguise or are you just the Highwayman come to life? And before you start pointing fingers, I was haemorrhaging because it was so stupid I needed to lose some to the blood going to my brain in order to cope, not because it looked hot. I mean, come on who would find knee-high, leather, skinny boots attractive?
Lecourt? What was up with the bowler hat and tie? It just looked ridiculous. If you were trying to be Charlie Chaplin, it would have helped if you didn't speak so damn much, though you do make people laugh as he does, the laughter you induce is more like 'hahaha, please kill me now' laughter. I noticed the bum-buttons on your coat though. I suppose that they could be…handy.
Oh, and as for Piffle, can you say Malibu Stacey?
Kurogane
XX
Dear Kuro-chuu,
I didn't hear you complaining when I was wearing those boots. In fact, I would say that you were a little happy. You were looking at them an awful lot. Oh, and let's not forget the haemorrhaging.
Besides, Kuro-muu is so mean, you always forget about the good outfits. How about Yamano? Don't say that you didn't enjoy taking my armour off. Oh, and let's not forget Outo. You remember that place, don't you? It was where you divulged your innermost secret to me. You have a fetish for the French 'garcon' look. Now who's complaining about the tri-corner hat?
I'd love to dress you up in a tutu. You would look most dashing in pink.
With love, Fai
XX
Dear dim-wit,
First of all:
Me in a tutu + pink one very homicidal ninja
3. Your cooking
I'm not quite sure what spawn of evil you put into your broth but I'm sure your cheese soufflé consists of one part carbon, one part sulphuric acid and a hell of a lot of sugar to cover the taste. I blame you for the white pork bun bouncing off the walls after every meal. You do know what RDA is, right? Recommended Daily Allowance. I think that you put enough sugar into you cakes to kill a whale.
This is just a helpful cooking tip; if the amount of sugar you use can kill a giant slug, it's probably lethal to humans as well.
Sincerely, Kurogane
XX
Dear Kuro-tu,
In that case, I hope you enjoy the triple-chocolate cake I am sending you. I used no sugar in it at all so you should enjoy it.
With dearest regards, Fai
(P.S If you still find it too sweet that's because I used enough sweeteners to floor the tooth fairy's child)
XX
Dear attempted murderer
Are you trying to kill me? I refuse to eat that sickeningly sweet stuff even if you trickle it all over your body and...well…no, you won't move me! Force-feeding me must be some sick form of torture, which brings me onto my next point.
4. The inherent evil that resides within you
It is my belief that you were probably born with your scheming brain and amazing ability to annoy the hell out of me. For fear of repercussions, I will not go into detail about all that I have suffered at the hands of a small, blond creature with a relatively low IQ in everything except 'how to torture Kurogane' but know that a homicidal ninja is a dangerous thing.
Although, to be fair, I suppose you could release your evil like some magical girl in order to battle the forces of something or other when the time is needed. Or whenever your magical mojo stops working. Either way.
Kurogane
XX
Dear Kuro-ki
My ability to annoy you comes from many years of practice and devotion to the hidden arts school How to Annoy Kurogane in Eight Minutes, also known as HAKEM.
Even though I act otherwise, I assure you that I have every respect for the homicidal ninja locked up in your closet. However, I prefer the haemorrhaging one to be honest.
Sincerely yours, Fai
XX
Dear maniac,
5. The smile
You know that I had to come to this point sooner or later, didn't you? If I could chose any one thing that annoyed me the most it would be that damn, plastic, fake smile you stroll around with whilst you look like a lost little kitten.
I mean, honestly, who do you think you're fooling with that plaster cast, grow-your-own smile? If you wanted to convince someone that you were happy and innocent with rainbow flowers growing everywhere you walk and little gay fairies braiding your hair, then it would have been better if you did not exaggerate it so much.
Wait, why am I giving you tips?
Anyway, basically, that's what pisses me off. If you're happy then be happy, damn it. If you're sad then be sad. You're fine the way you are and I prefer you that way so there's no need to hide it, surely even an idiot like you can figure that out.
What I'm trying to say is, to quote a once-famous political leader, 'stop it, stop it now!'
Kurogane
(P.S. You look better with a real smile)
XX
Dear Kuro-chan,
Thank you
Fai
