Stress is the main product people buy in the modern world. That is what I am feeling tonight. It is Wednesday and I have been battling myself about this for a while. Iggy comes into the kitchen and I wish he could see me. In the only skirt I have and my white tank top from Kenny. She curled my hair in preparation of this moment and made it actually look good instead of boyish and anti-sexy. Now, it is proofed up only to get messed up.
I hope.
"Nudge said you wanted to see me? She also said you looked hot," Iggy explained and I put my hands in his and he pulled me tightly in. My head resting on his chest. "I bet you look beautiful, you are," he kissed my hair. This might be easier than I thought.
"Well speaking from you, I can consider that a compliment," he chuckled at my reference and I lifted my head from his chest and moved my hands to his face. Both on the sides holding onto him and bringing him closer to me. Without hesitation I wrapped my mouth around his and kissed him as deeply as I could. Pushing my tongue down his and rolling them together in a circular motion.
Quicker than I hoped he pushed me away without effort.
"What is going on here?" He breathed heavily.
"Well if you didn't cut me off you probably would know by now," and I pushed myself against him, my hand in his and our fingers intertwined.
"Am I dreaming?" He breathed more clearly now.
"No, but you can later," I kissed his cheek and went lower to his chin to his throat and then collar bone. "Just let me take care of you," and I took my free hand and pulled his beautiful head toward mine. Kissing him again, seriously, how hard can this be?
Pulling away again with his eyes still closed he was silent for a while. Eyes still closed. I guess it didn't make any difference to him though…
"Tate," he spoke to me. "Where is this coming from?" Switching my balance to my other foot I rested my hand on the table next to me on the right.
"I think we need to talk Iggy, see, when two people are attracted to another, things kind of go kaboom! As in clothes off and a new kind of wrestling that I'll teach you if you let me."
"Tate," Iggy grabbed my arm and pushed me away from him so I was a good foot or so. That was when it clicked : he didn't like me. Good thing he was blind or otherwise this would be more embarrassing. He didn't want me. I was offering him everything and he wouldn't accept. I could feel the tears threatening to escape.
"Oh! Okay, um, I'll just be going now," I said in my most fake perky voice I could manage. It didn't last; my voice broke on the last word. Passing him I walked out of there and through the dining room to the front door.
"Tate," he called after me and I kept my eyes forward.
"Sorry to take up your time, I'll bring some food tomorrow as usual," with their appetites I had to make daily trips. It wouldn't be long until Grandpa Remus or Remy as I called him called with the concerned money sprees.
"Tate," he grabbed my wrist and spun me around. "Listen to me," he ordered.
"I'm sorry already, I'll just go to the apartment already, you won't hear of me again." I promised him.
"Tate," he pleaded with me but I fussed and tried to get away but that didn't work. He was so strong. "Listen, already," he tried again.
"Just let me go Iggy!" I yelled at him and before I knew it I was crushed into him. His lips pressing hard into mine and hushing me for the moment as my hands went greedily to his face. Remembering this moment. I wanted to remember everything. And then all too quickly it was over and our tongues had to depart. I moaned and took his hand again, pushing myself onto him.
"Want to go somewhere more comfortable?" I asked him in what I hope was a seductive tone.
"Tate," he pleaded again. "Listen to me, Max is going to be here any minute along with the rest of the flock! I mean, think about Angel. And how jealous will Total be?"
"Total will survive. Besides," I laid my hand on his chest and unbuttoned his shirt from the middle. "The rest of the flock including Max and Angel and all of the other names I don't want to list right now are visiting Dr. Martinez for a meeting with all of those suits about that safe home of yours," and I was done unbuttoning and I kissed him longingly as I pulled the shirt off.
This time he didn't pull away. Soon enough I was lying on the dining room table and he was on top of me. Making it so easy. I loved his touch and the way his hand felt under my shirt. It felt so natural. As if we were connected. We were reading each other's minds and our lips were translating those thoughts into the other. His hands traced my body and my face. It felt all so perfect.
Then it crashed. Glass breaking and shattering everywhere. Iggy covered my face with his arm and was up and ready to fight as I sat up straight on the dining table and jumped off. Getting a head rush. I grabbed Iggy's hand but he shrugged it off.
"Get down," he ordered me and in a flash a few of those robotic erasers appeared in front of us. They attacked without a thought and Iggy fought them with such intensity it scared me. Then one struck me. Flying me across the room. "Tate!" Iggy yelled for me and took flight, grabbing me by the arms and pulling me on his back and I held onto his neck tightly.
"Tatiana, I need to breathe."
"Oh and I loosened my hold as he flew faster. Forever all I saw before us was darkness. I wondered if this was what it was like for him. I looked up to the stars and noticed the big dipper.
"I see a consolation," I let him know. "It is the big dipper, the three stars and four of them create a box and then there is the handle. Hence dipper. As in dipping."
"I would guess," he answered blankly. Which he does when he is somewhere else… thinking. Kissing his neck I want to tell him how much I care. How much I want to help. "Stop," he said in a weaker voice. More concentrated.
"Why?" I asked while I kissed him again. "You need someone to pamper you. Those Erasers could have hurt you or… worse," I choke out. Close to all out sobbing. A few tears roll down my cheeks, betraying my body and releasing all of my fears.
"Tate, don't already, this is hard enough. We have to get you somewhere safe –"
"I'm safe with you."
"No, Tate, you're not. You can't be safe with me, not now, not ever." He said so somber. "You have to be safe, I'll do anything and everything to insure that," he continued.
"Yeah, well," I looked for the words that I wanted to say. "I don't care."
"Did you not see what just happened?" He fumed and sped up; we didn't talk for the rest of the flight. All I could hear is our breaths echoing each other. Eventually my eyes closed and didn't open for a while.
"Tate?" I heard someone whisper into my ear. Rolling over I groaned and ignored him. Then feeling bad for doing this to him I rolled over and looked at him. He was kneeling before me and grabbed for my hand. Then someone was licking my arm.
"Are you okay Tatiana? I was so worried, are you sure everything is okay? You're not hurt, are you? Iggy! How could you let this happen?" Total ranted. I smiled at the familiarity and scratched his ears. He always liked that. Getting what he wanted he walked away on all four legs. Mumbling about something. I think I heard the term 'jack ass' though. Sitting up I saw the entire flock standing around. Fang with his arms around Max's waist and Nudge sitting in a corner asleep along with Angel on her lap. Gazzy was sprawled across the floor next to them in this… is this a cave?
"You too?" I blurted out.
"Yeah," Max replied, completely serious this time. Fang pulled her closer and kissed her cheek while whispering something sweet enough to make her smile in her ear. I got pulled away from their PDA by Iggy pulling me up.
"Come on, I need to take you home."
"What-why?" I stammered.
"Because you have a life Tatiana, and I'm not taking it away from you," Iggy explained coldly.
"When are you going to realize it? I have no life!" I yelled at him in a hushed whisper so the others wouldn't wake. Iggy sighed.
"I should have known you were going to make this complicated," he stated the obvious.
"You're damn right I am!" I yelled at him a little louder now.
"Shh," he shushed me while trying to hold onto my arm. I shook him off and tried to block the tears from escaping down my cheek. I didn't want him to comfort me just to leave. Everyone always has to leave. Can't anyone be original and stay for once? A father not bailing out when his girlfriend tells him she is pregnant. A best friend actually being there for you when you need her. Then the one person in the world you feel like you can trust your heart with - and you do - just goes and shatters it. Raising hit above his head and then throwing it hard against the floor. In the middle of my mental rant Iggy grabs me by the arms and throws me over his back roughly. His wings expand and the beauty catches me by surprise, again.
Before another word can come out of my mouth we are air borne.
"Why are you doing this? What if they come and you aren't there and they..." I tried to use my own words to explain how this was bad but they were betraying my every breath.
"That won't happen Tatiana, they don't want you, they want me. I'll be damned if it's the other way around." And just like that he left the silence to drag out as I fumed in my head and fought against my tears. This might be the last time I see him. The last time I can try to explain how I look or the constellations in the sky. And I am just crying in silence. How pathetic. I bend my head into his neck and kiss him there.
"I love you," I whispered into his ears. I don't care if he doesn't just as long as he knows. If he only knew how much. I want him to stay and to be safe and happy but at the same time I trust that he will come back to me. "You better come back," I warned him in my best firm voice at the moment but my voice broke.
"Don't worry about that, just worry about the other guys getting their asses kicked."
"The bad guys?" I asked him in my dumbfounded state.
"No silly Tatiana, all the other losers at your school who gives you a hard time. Because when I come back, they aren't going to survive. And I will be back. Don't worry your imaginative head about that," and he took my hand in his and kissed it. Holding it right to his cheek. After the silence of the night dragged on enough we finally landed on ground.
"Cant you just stay for the night?" I pleaded with him one last time in my weak voice.
He shook his head and told me, "not now," he lifted my chin with his fingers and his face looked so grim it didn't seem like it was him anymore. And then in that moment where it felt like misery had won and all was falling apart he kissed me. I didn't like this kiss. It seemed too much like an end. A goodbye to the sweet memories I didn't want to let go. I couldn't let go. Pushing him off me I didn't bother saying goodbye but ran away. Ran faster than I did to get to the locker rooms after P.E. or to the bus when my locker wouldn't open. I wouldn't let him see me cry.
That was what I did that night. I stuffed my face into a pillow as I clung to it and cried on and on until I was dreaming endless dreams. I dreamt of real wolves that night chasing me as I kept stumbling and tripping in the bare desert. I could barely see. It was like I was going blind. Then I tripped again and noticed what I thought was a body in front of me but I was mistaken. It was a hawk. And it was dead. Crawling backwards I cried in my sleep and started to scream both in reality and fantasy. It kept on going on. Bodies all bloody and torn apart. Max's mouth knitted shut as she was ice cold dead. Angel unconscious in her arms and dying, crying for her mother's comfort. Then Nudge was there – just lying lifeless. It looked too unreal. Her not talking.
I woke up right after school had already started. At seven forty five. I took my time getting ready and eating breakfast. I forged a note from my mom who was surprisingly at work and walked leisurely to school. When I was there it was already fourth period.
I didn't care though. I got milk spilt on me at lunch that day; coke the next, then Pepsi, sprite, orange soda… I think they are trying to say something but I don't have the energy to figure it out. After soda products don't work with me, they try to scare me. Slugs in my food. A few dead bees in my Fuze White Tea. A fake spider hanging from my locker. A real one in my hoodie that I think laid a few eggs on my head.
Then at the library after school I was studying and doing an essay for P.E. about how I will actually run the mile the next time when the banging starts. It comes from the computer in front of me, a loud noise of a dozen or so drums in unison. Out of reflex I turn it down so the librarians don't kick me out again. Yes, they have done that before. I open up the tab and read what it has to say.
I miss you like crazy,
Iggy
Smiling I read it over and over again for about fifteen minutes before the bell rings.
"Crap," I mutter under my breath and I grab my bag hastily and I lose the Instant Message and curse a few more times. Still I gather all my stuff and run all the way to Spanish class and still end up late and with a detention. Craptastic. The new word of the day. Though Iggy does make it better. Fang probably killed him for stealing his lap top away and I can imagine Nudge doing K-I-S-S-I-N-G like she did before whenever we would hang out. I don't pay attention to what Mr. Molina says but imagine what was going on when he IMed me.
Gazzy would have helped being a decoy and made one of his explosions as a distraction. Angel would be on their side, she would always hang onto her brother. Total might try to type something on the lap top and then complain about not having disposable thumbs or-
"Mind returning to Earth Tatiana?" Zach Lee mocks me from behind. I pass by the papers and return to Spanish class for the moment so I don't look like a complete idiot. Still in and out I imagine all of them kicking ass or flying with hawks or doing something so amazing and great and yet terrifying. The first bell rings and catches me off guard again as I stumble to get to class. In the hallway I notice Ileala, Marisol and Annabelle gathered around and try to ditch before they can see me. I don't know if they do but I continue to run World Geography. And getting the life beating out of me is the only thing that could make me run to World Geography.
After school my mom is home again and passed out on the couch with Ellen reruns in the background. I clean up around her and tuck the blanket up to her chin. I take better care of her than she takes care of me. On Friday of that week I come home with a black eye and possibly a few broken body parts I can't name and she is up and awake with Ellen in the background. Her eyes stare blankly ahead of her into nothingness. All of the lights are off and the curtains aren't drawn and when I try to do that she winces as if the sun light burns her.
I return to the kitchen and make her some of the edible food we have left. Bagel Bites. Yummy, right? I grab a bottle of water out of the fridge and make some warm coffee to bring to her. She acts like nothing is there as I stand in front of her. She just looks right past me. Not into my soul or heart but right through me. As if I don't exist. Walking away I enter my bedroom and curl under my blankets as if it isn't warm already. I don't bother eating because Bagel Bites is hardly my ideal meal. After a while of boredom and feeling like I am going to puke I finally rest in peace.
During the night I wake up to the darkness and my alarm clock glowing numbers. 4:58 it blinks. I pull the covers off me and jumped out of bed. My head started to spin around and my vision became black and blurry. I try to move but it just becomes worse. I fall to the ground paralyzed and stay there. Clutching the floorboards with my bitten fingernails. Carefully I gather myself up and stand up. Going to the bathroom in the dark I trip over myself once and my book bag, my mother's clothes that she left on the floor and she is still peacefully asleep on the couch. I wonder if she can even move anymore. I wonder if she ever tries.
The cold water splashes against my warm and burning skin for a good amount of time. I stand there in the shower, simply dreaming as I try to pull myself together. I had a different dream tonight. Iggy was in it of course and the rest of the flock. Iggy held me by my elbows and let the rest of my body dangle from the sky. The only part of the dream that kept me sane and from screaming at the top of my lungs was that Iggy was holding me. And Iggy wouldn't let anything happen to me. Never the less Iggy lets go. As I fall down I wake up. I wrap a towel around myself and prepare myself before walking into the dark hallways.
I grab a thick candle that has to be at least ten or eight inches tall and lit it by the lighter mom left in here. I hold it in front of me like how the virgins do in the horror films. In my bedroom I change into a pair of dark denim shorts and a navy blue tank top over a gray racer back shirt. Then I lay in my bed with the lights off and just day dream for a while with my pillow over my head.
Nothing happens. Iggy doesn't crawl through my bedroom window or sneak up under my blankets like I would imagine him to do so.
