A/N- The mighty stereotypical evil mastermind that is Al. BEHOLD MY MINIONS AND FETCH ME SOME DRUGS CUZ ITS GONNA BE A LONG TRIP!

I do not own Naruto


Chapter 13- Even this chapter number is EVIL

(IT IS DAMN IT!)

On a mental note, basements (or was it an attic?) are not among the top places to reccomend staying in for any period of time. The ceiling was constantly leaking, and the floors kept creaking and Tayuya could swear she saw a rat earlier, but she couldn't be quite sure. She sat down and rocked slightly back and forth. Every five seconds it was "drip, drip, drip." it was driving her into insanity. So annoying, so irritating. So completely frustrating she felt like driving random objects through the walls until it stopped. Though she couldn't quite explain to herself how that would work.

Dripping, and dripping. More dripping. Even more dripping. It...just...would...not...stop.

"WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!?!?!?!?" She screamed in disgruntled fashion. Getting no response. What were you expecting? It's a fricking pipe for crissake. She muttered un-translatable nonsense to herself while downstairs her happy prison wardens stirred in their places.

-

Deidara sighed before opening the doors, in a few seconds, as the doors flew open he put on the fakest, most un-sincere smile he could. However, as he saw the leader, clad in akatsuki cloak and sakkat placed very securely on his head, in fact it was tied with about eighteen different bands connected. Like he was desperately afraid of it coming off or something. There was a long, brutal silence as they merely stared blankly back and forth, forth and back.

"Come...in?" Deidara muttered, oddly toned. The leader said nothing for a moment.

"Are the lights off?"

"Yes, boss, the lights are off, un." Deidara groaned slightly, all the while keeping up that atrocious fake smile. The leader let himself in as Deidara closed the door. "By the way, stop that ridiculous grinning, you look like you've been hitting the reefer."

Deidara's smile, instantly died into the most displeased smile imaginable. His eyes scrolled through the room, noticing the different Silhouettes, and also counting them. He shivered, elbowing the large figure next to him, Kisame.

"Hm?" Kisame muttered, scratching his gills. Deidara shook his head.

"Where the hell is that stupid runt?!"

"Who?"

"TOBI!"

"How do you expect me to know? I can't see anything in here."

"Fine, un.." Deidara growled. That was SO much help. If they didn't know where he was, how could they possibly keep him under constant surveillance? The leader took eight minutes unstrapping his over-protected headgear. He tossed in on the couch. At least, so they thought. For they could not exactly see that well with the lights out like that.

"To the kitchen!" He muttered in a way that showed it should have been more dramatic. It was time for the inspection of hell. Starting with the fridge raid. Of course it simply would not be the same if he DIDN'T throw all the food on the floor in the process of doing such. They had just went shopping as well, and they were already out of eggs, due to the fact they had now been smashed on the floor. Kakuzu almost fainted.

"Eggs, bacon, yogurt?! What is this trash?" He growled, holding up a gogurt to Kisame's face, who started to answer him, only getting a:

"I wasn't talking to you seaman, I was asking Sasori."

There was a long pause in the room. The last time they had checked the leader already knew about that fire a few weeks ago, rendering poor Sasori and his wooden self incapacitated. Heh, he was getting to be a nuisance anyways. Kisame was also curious on why exactly the leader had to wav the Go-gurt in his face, while asking his stupid rhetorical questions to dead people?!

"Sasori is...dead, remember, un?"

The pause continued on, the leader still looking at Kisame, even though Deidara was the one talking to him.

"Then, fishman, what is this?"

If he doesn't stop calling me those stupid names I swear I'm going to..

"Well?!"

"I believe it is called...food?"

"No, wrong answer, goldfish." The leader scowled, throwing the yogurt to the floor, and stepping on it, sending yogurt all over the place. "It's trash, pure trash."

"What?" Kisame argued, this entire theory of Yogurt being trash of all things had to be blasphemous. How could something that tasted so good be trash? The leader was off his rocker.

He sorted through the fridge again, throwing more and more to the ground. "Where are the bat-wings, the worms and human eyes?"

The room paused, shivering. What...the...fuck. Guess he was going through the stereotypical evil superhero villain phase.

Hidan, being stupid as usual had to argue. "You can't eat crap like that! That's...nasty as hell!"

"Yet you call this pathetic excuse of a food supply evil?!" He pulled out a six-pack of budweiser. Frowning, he displayed it to the group of evil, maniacal akatsuki members. "You have beer. What kind of villain sits around off duty drinking beer?! What do I pay you people for? Is my entire staff a bunch of lazy, TV-watching, beer-guzzling teenage twits?!"

Deidara groaned, how wonderful. This was such a brilliant start of this wonderful day. One could compare it to a de-railed train. Or like how Sasori would better understand, Being made of wood and being lit on fire. Slowly waiting to hurry up and die before some asshole made it worse.

Deidara looked to his feet. Shadows of food all around him. He knew he wasn't cleaning up this bullshit. Itachi was standing in the back, the lucky bastard was pretty smart. If the leader could barely see him, he should be a bit safer from questioning. Not like Itachi had anything to be afraid of, mind you. Well, there was one little thing. Well, what the leader didn't know, wouldn't hurt Itachi.

But still, where was Tobi?!

-

Tayuya's eyes were getting a bit unfocused. Just what was that scurrying sound? The excessive dripping still hadn't stopped. She started gritting her teeth nervously.

Drip drip drip, it never stops, how wonderful it just goes on and aon and on and on and on and on and on and fucking on.

She heard another drop and another scurry.

You think this is funny, don't you, you stupid drop? You like to keep coming and making annoying noises, yeah you think you're some Sinbad, huh? Go and laugh about it with your little drop buddies. Saying:

"Hey I made that girl trip out."

Yeah, you're a real class act, don't you. Don't you!

"DON'T YOU YOU STUPID FUCKING DROP BASTARD!"

It had finally happened. Tayuya had completely lost her mind. She grabbed the nearest object that was holdable by hand, just as the door slightly slid open, and she thrust it towards the pipe just above her. The water pressure, as result from the hit, burst through the pipes, sending water just about..everywhere.

"HI!" A childish voice screamed, as the door opened completely, then the figure was blown away with water. After awhile it began draining into the floors outside. She exited the basement immeadeatly, closing the door behind her. However the logic behind how that would stop the flow is lacking explanation. So to put it simply. It just doesn't matter anymore.

Tayuya took a look at her dress and sighed. Why did it have to be white? Why couldn't Orochimaru design the Sound uniforms to be black, or blue..or ANY kind of dark color? As for most girls who know what happens when you get wet when wearing white clothes, it bites.

Tobi was lying on the ground, in shock from his little water encounter. He got back up after a few minutes. Looked at Tayuya, then just stared. She frowned.

"What the hell are you looking at, stalker-kid?!"

"YOU HAVE BOOBS!"

Pause. Tayuya waited about five seconds before slamming Tobi in the face with a cold, hard fist. Perverted little punk. She was soaked, and great, she didn't have any spare clothes, did she? SHIT! Were those stupid men done with their stupid man-meetings yet. Great. Just great. Now how was she going to even ask?! They would keep staring and staring and staring at her. Typical manly cretinism. She already had the stupid stalker-kid gaping at her. What about that stupid Hidan? She saw his magazine collection.

All the rest of them were probably just as bad.

-

Deidara had barely survived. Thank you god for those gargoyle commisions he did on Deviantart. Glorious, glorious day. Kisame got extra points for his secret pirahna wife. Who knew? For some reason he avoided going into Itachi's room. No one really understood why, but when asked he simply changed the subject on how the walls should be painted with evil alien wall markings. Thus making himself even more obvious. It was Tobi's turn, but Tobi wasn't there. They walked in anyways, seeing the still completely Rin-covered walls, and the dead dog in the corner and everything. Deidara sighed.

He's doomed. Un.

"This...is..." The leader began as Kakuzu tried to duck for cover.

"PERFECT!"

Deidara looked up. Excuse me? He must be joking.

"Being some sort of..crazy...psycho stalkerist is always a wonderful, exquisite style of evilness."

"YOU MUST BE JOKING, UN!"

"Down, down, Deidara, no reason to be jealous, it isn't improving your evil score anyways."

Oh, fuck you.

Hidan was next and final. Luckily for Kakuzu, all he had in his room were books on how to rip out people's hearts for dummies. Plus a few sample containers. Creepy. The Leader barely stepped through the door, and his face reverted to disgust.

"Hidan, tell me, what is wrong with this room?"

Hidan paused. Great. The bitch had doomed him. He knew it. The leader was going to chew his ass out now. All because of...

"You call that a bedsheet?"

Hidan paused. "You mean you aren't mad about the room being clean?"

"Nonsense, what is wrong with cleanliness? Where did you get such a fatuous idea?" The Leader replied, as if Hidan were retarded.

From you last time, jackass. Was the thought that went through his mind. As the leader stared grossly at his bedsheets.

"I ask for evil and you give me navy." The leader muttered in anger. "NAVY! What an un-meaningful color. Why don't you simply make them gray, or white Hidan?! Why?"

"It's not that big a deal! It's just a fucking color!"

"It is a big deal, you flea on the back of the apes of evil!"

Hidan paused. "Excuse me?" He twitched slightly. "What the hell that even supposed to mean?"

"Hidan, don't argue, he'll be here longer, un."

"SHUTUP DEIDARA!"

"How pathetic, he can't even get along with women." The leader sighed.

Hidan turned on him.

"OH AND YOU'RE ONE TO TALK!"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"I'm not a girl, un."

"You keep your girlfriend locked here in that closet! And you tell me that! Prick.."

Not like you're any better, Hidan. Un. Deidara thought as those words came out.

"That is my own evil business, and not yours!"

"Ass."

There was a long pause and steps were suddenly heard. Suddenly there was a "flick" sound. One the leader himself dreaded. As the lights flicked on in Hidan's room, there was a loud screech of terror.

"Hey, why the fuck do you losers have all the damned lights off?" Tayuya's voice cut in, then her eyes shot to the screaming leader in the middle of the now light-filled room.

"TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF! TURN OFF THOSE ACCURSED DAMNED LIGHTS!"

Deidara walked over to the switch, saw Tayuya's position, and upon chuckling to himself, flicked off the lights.

"One of you idiots, tell me who this is?" The leader's voice lowered back down.

"Um..that is...um...um..." Kisame muttered, then paused. "Hidan's girlfriend?"

Tayuya got a shock from that. "Excuse me?"

"A NAME please?"

Kisame looked over to Hidan and shrugged. Yeah, like HE was supposed to know.

"Hey, she's YOUR girlfriend."

" I am not, by god, nor will I EVER be his mother fuc.."

Hidan grabbed her.

"Shutup, just play along and he'll go away, I can't stand this bastard." He muttered lowly. So the Leader would be unable to hear. "Umm...what's your name again? I forgot."

She paused. Not a single bastard in this room could remember her name. How nice of them. She sighed.

"Tayuya."

"Tammy?"

"TAYUYA."

"Fine, don't be a bitch about it." He paused a bit. "Hehehe, hey, you're all wet."

"Shutup."

There was yet another awkward pause.

"Um, her name is um...Tam, I mean Tayuya." Hidan mumbled. Happy now, you fucking evil-obssessed ass...

"How coulds the likes of you, Hidan. Get this fine specimen?"

What the hell am I? A science project?

As he approached Hidan separated, he didn't want to get to close to the leader. There might be some kind of "evil rule" about that. How could a person leer in the dark? He was doing it, yet something about it seemed...impossible. Maybe after about twenty years your eyes adapt? Her head was starting to hurt from thinking about it too much.

"Congratulations Hidan, you pass."

Thus the room was once again silent. His logic made no sense to anyone. Why did he pass again? Too confusing.

"Anyone who could get such a..presentable..young woman and still be evil is like a god!"

Tayuya spit off to the side. "Yeah, whatever, dumbass."

"Yeah, she's real fucking presentable." He muttered quietly.

"What was that, Hidan?"

"Nothing!"

"I thought so."

-

After a few moments the leader finally went downstairs, but just to see the closet lady. There were a few angry shouts heard from downstairs before a door slammed and they knew he had finally left. Relationship problems Tayuya could easily guess. Not really that much of a suprise. She's locked in a closet for pete's sake. Tayuya knew she'd be pissed. But from the mere thought of it, closet lady was probably insane herself. Just like her wonderful, incompetent, evil-loving lover. Or something like that.

Deidara flicked the lights back on. Then, chuckled in direction of Tayuya again.

"Shut up, Deidre. It isn't funny."

"Actually, it's very amusing, un."

Hidan looked over, as did the rest of them. What is it with men? Itachi was the only one who wasn't staring. Itachi, that's it. Sasuke would probably be with these idiots right now. Or trying to explain to Itachi why he was going to kill him for about three episodes of time.

"All of you better turn around right now and shut the hell up, and stop looking at me like I'm some peice of motherfucking meat before I take a stick and shove it straight up your perverted bitch ass shithead.."

Unfortunatly the male mind des not process this. In such situations it merely comes out like so:

"Blah blah blah blah blah boobs! blah blah blah blah boobs!"

For men are mentally retarded for things like that.

"MR.ITACHI!" Tobi grinned. "ARE YOU GAY!?"

Itachi shook his head.

"Never ask me that again." Itachi muttered. "I am simply not some inexperienced twit like the rest of you."

"What does that mean?"

Tayuya needed new clothes. Before she massacred them all. ALL OF THEM WOULD DIE IF THIS KEPT UP!


A/N- been awhile since I posted but here you go. I had really bad Writers block last week and the week before.

Well here ya go!