Chapter 2:
Uzumaki's Revenge!

Namikaze Minato shifted anxiously as he waited outside a bar for his friends to join him. He'd made it back safely from his scouting mission in the recently defeated Whirlpool Country (which was now officially annexed by Earth Country) almost two weeks ago and he still hadn't gone on his "date." And it was probably his own fault.

When he made his little deal, he hadn't set a date or a meeting place or anything with her. He didn't even know her name! Perhaps she'd lied about going to Konoha and planned on going somewhere else and just conned him out of a free ride to the Land of Fire. Minato was an excellent shinobi, but when it came to social, non-shinobi things, he knew he was severely lacking.

His whole life was dedicated towards being the best shinobi that he could be, to achieving his goal of becoming Hokage. He never chased after girls, he never spent any time with them unless they were kunoichi and he was training or performing a mission with them. He had no time to waste on figuring out females, crawling bars, or trying out sex. He happily left that sort of thing to his friends.

Quite against his will, he'd been talked into having lunch with some of his slightly older jounin friends at the bar where he was currently waiting. The Ino-Shika-Cho trio wanted to swap stories and they had called up everyone they knew well enough in the village for the little get-together. Minato knew that his sensei would show up for sure, as would Inoichi, Shikaku, and Choza (they'd set it up after all), but the rest of the party was a mystery to him.

Just as Minato was ready to slip off and get lunch elsewhere, the organizing trio appeared. Yamanaka Inoichi swaggered along in the lead, his long blonde hair up in a high ponytail. Akimichi Choza was munching on some dango sticks he'd picked up from a stand on the way and cheerfully nodding to whatever Inoichi was saying. And Nara Shikaku brought up the rear, looking half-asleep as always.

"Ah, Minato!" Inoichi waved. "You made it!"

Minato shrugged. "Jiraiya-sensei is always asking me to take a break some time and enjoy life so I figured that I'd give it a try."

"Ah ha! Excellent!" Inoichi clapped. "We'll take good care of you!"

"Why did you say to meet at a bar?" Minato asked curiously.

"Swapping stories is always better with sake," Shikaku shrugged. "Much less troublesome."

Minato frowned. "But it's barely noon. It's much too early to drink."

The three men stared at him, then burst out laughing.

"Did I say something funny?" Minato asked when they quieted down some.

"You're such a good boy," Inoichi snickered. "Have you ever goofed off or been naughty at any point in your life?"

Minato shifted uncomfortably. "I…"

"No he hasn't!" Jiraiya declared, arriving on the scene in a puff of white smoke. "He's an excellent student, but a terrible partier. I bet the last shindig he went to was some neighbor kid's birthday party back when he was in the Academy."

"Is that true?" Choza asked curiously.

Minato stared down at the sidewalk. "Uh…yeah."

"Wow," Shikaku snorted. "I've been to more parties than you have."

"Well that's about to change!" Jiraiya laughed and pounded Minato on the back. "Why don't we kick this up a notch and go to—"

"I'm not going to a brothel," Minato cut him off swiftly. "A bar's bad enough."

"I can't go to a brothel," Shikaku muttered. "If Yoshino finds out—and she will—then I'm a dead man."

"Your girlfriend has you so whipped!" Inoichi cried. "It's sad."

"I shouldn't go either," Choza shrugged. "I have Mina anyway, why would I need to look at other girls?"

"You guys are no fun anymore since you picked up steady girls," Inoichi complained and slung an arm over Minato's shoulders. "At least you're girlfriend free, right?"

"Yeah," Minato nodded stiffly.

"He hasn't even kissed a girl yet!" Jiraiya moaned. "Relations with women is the one area in which my genius student is useless! I'm a failure as a teacher!"

"Jiraiya-sensei!" Minato choked. "Stop it! You're making a scene!"

"Why won't you let me help you?" Jiraiya cried, heedless of Minato's embarrassment.

"Because—"

"Oh, there you are!"

All five of them snapped their heads to the side and found kunoichi standing nearby and grinning mischievously. She was of average height with long fiery red hair worn loose and wide blue eyes flecked with hints of green. Her body was lean and very lightly tanned. She wore plain black zori sandals without any heel to them or any other feminine styling to them, loose black pants that tightly hugged her hips, and a form-fitting black shirt that bared a few inches of her midriff and hinted at her cleavage with loose sleeves that ended at her elbows. There were black fingerless gloves on her hands, a strangely childish orange barrette holding back some of her hair from her face, and a hitae-ate tied around her left bicep.

She wasn't startling beautiful, but she was definitely noticeable. Certainly she was pretty, and Minato found her kind of cute with her little-girl hair accessory. There was something vaguely familiar about her, but he couldn't quite figure out what about her was familiar or where he might've met her.

"Can we help you?" Choza asked curiously.

"He can!" she smiled and pointed right at Minato. "He did me a favor and now I'd like to repay him. Is now a good time?"

The kunoichi had turned slightly, giving Minato a better view of the metal plate of her hitae-ate. Instead of the stylized swirled leaf of Konoha, it was the spiral of the recently crushed Whirlpool Country. And that along with the mention of a favor clicked in his head.

"Yes, now is fine," Minato nodded and slipped away from between Jiraiya and Inoichi. "Sorry guys, but I have to take a rain check. I'll catch up with you later."

He gently took her arm and led her down the street, leaving his four companions gaping after them. She let him lead her along for a few streets before she stopped walking and removed her limb from his loose grip. Minato glanced questioningly at her.

"I thought that the deal was that I picked where we went?"

"You will," he hurriedly assured her. "We just need to walk around for a while to make sure no one's spying on us."

She frowned. "Who would spy on us?"

"My sensei, at least." Minato scratched nervously at the back of his head. "He's, uh…nosy. I'd rather not have him criticize my 'dating skills' later."

"Oh." She half-grinned and offered her arm. "Just tell me when, then."

Pasting a friendly smile on his face, Minato took her arm again and continued walking. He took her on a little tour of the village, and although she listened attentively he got the feeling that she'd already familiarized herself with everything he showed her. And he topped it all off with another demonstration of his Hiraishin to thoroughly lose any followers (like Jiraiya) that they might've picked up.

And then he bowed to her and let her take the lead…


Kushina worked hard to keep her cool as she brought him to the place of her choice: Ichiraku Ramen. The little food stand had opened up shortly after she'd arrive in Konoha. It was run by a friendly man, Ichiraku Teuchi, and his small, young family. They made fantastic ramen and she planned on becoming a regular there.

It was absolutely bizarre hanging off Namikaze's arm. She hadn't even allowed herself to dream of such a thing. And the real kicker was that he still had no idea who she was. If she could pull it off, she intended to keep her identity secret until the very end.

"Here we are!" she grinned as the stand came into view.

"A ramen stand?" He glanced down curiously at her.

"It's a great little place! Their soup is excellent. It kind of reminds me of home…"

A wave of melancholy hit her as she thought of her home village, now in the heartless hands of the Iwa-nin. She squashed it down and forced her mood up. There was all the time in the world to be down in the dumps later. Right now she had something that she wanted to accomplish.

Scampered a bit ahead, she parted the little half-curtains and waved Namikaze to enter. "Come on!"

He chuckled a little at her and obeyed her energetic command. To her delight all the stools were open and for the time being they had the place to themselves. The cook recognized her immediately, but noticing her companion did not call her by name. She'd let him in on her little game on her last visit and he was willing to play along with her.

"What can I get for you?" the cook asked.

"Miso ramen please!" Kushina declared.

"The same," Namikaze decided.

"Coming right up," the cook smiled and set to work.

"So," Kushina snagged chopsticks from the cup on the counter and broke them apart in preparation for her meal. "Tell me a bit about yourself."

Namikaze was a little startled at her sudden request, but complied. He told her a little about his Hiraishin and a few other things that he was working on. A little more prodding got him to talk about some memorable missions and his friends. And all the while that he was talking, she was eating. With him distracted by his talking, she went through bowl after bowl until she hit her upper limit of twelve.

"…So, um, your turn," he finally decided. "Tell me about yourself."

"Well," she settled back on her stool and luxuriated in the feeling of being stuffed with tasty noodles. "For one thing, I'm done eating."

"You're done eat…ing?"

Kushina had to fight down laughter as his eyes grew comically wide when he finally noticed her stack of used bowls. Instant ramen was dirt cheap and restaurant ramen wasn't too much more expensive, but twelve bowls added up. His wallet was going to be hurting after this "date."

"And what else?" She tapped her chin thoughtfully. "I'm from Whirlpool, I'm seventeen, just barely made jounin, I prefer taijutsu and Suiton attacks, and I know a little Fuuton—"

"What's your name?" he interrupted.

She smiled and propped an elbow on the countertop. "Uzumaki Kushina."

"Uzumaki?" He twitched slightly.

"That's right." Her smile turned feral. "And if you ever call me 'Uzumaki-kun' again I'll make you bleed."

"Again? I…" His puzzled expression shifted to pure shock. "You!"

Kushina giggled and patted him on the head. "Very good, you remember me!"

He gaped at her. "How could I forget?"

"You never know," she shrugged. Kushina hopped off her stool and stood directly in front of him. "Now you know who I am and everything else you need to know about me. Thank you very much for the lift to the border and for lunch." She threw her arms around his shoulders in a quick hug and even went so far as to press a chaste little peck of a kiss to his cheek before he had any chance to react. "See you later, Namikaze! Bye, Teuchi-san!" And with a jaunty wave she skipped out of the stand and down the street.

I am so awesome!


Minato left the ramen stand with a spinning head and an empty wallet. He wandered the village streets aimlessly for a while, half-dazed by the bizarre episode. Eventually he came to rest in the woods near the training fields and settled down at the base of a large tree.

He remembered the Uzumaki kid all too well. Admittedly he hadn't though of him—her—since his humiliation had died down. But just hearing the name "Uzumaki" was enough to remind him of everything.

When he'd first met Uzumaki-san five years ago there had been very little to indicate that she was a she. Sure she'd been scrawny and small and had delicate facial features… But she was always dirty (there was always at least one smudge of dirt on her face), her hair was short and unkempt (half the time he'd wondered how the kid wasn't blinded by it), she wore baggy boyish clothing (never anything remotely girly, not a dress or skirt in sight), and they'd been at the age where a high voice and delicate features and small scrawny-ness didn't mean much. She was so crude and aggressive and foul-mouthed and…and boyish, that he just assumed her gender and—finding no evidence to contradict his assumption—went with it right up until the point where she'd smashed his nose with her little fist and declared her girlhood to him.

After her departure his friends had teased him mercilessly for months. "Namikaze Minato didn't know a girl when he saw one," they'd laughed. Jiraiya-sensei had slipped into an exaggerated depression, ashamed that his star pupil had made such an error with the "Great Jiraiya," wooer of women, as his teacher.

There was no mistaking her gender now. Her hair was much longer and better cared for. She was much cleaner (he'd smelled a faint hint of some kind of fruity shampoo on her hair when she'd hugged him). Her clothing was tight and slightly revealing in the essential female areas. Her manners were better (he shuddered at his memories of the way that she used to eat). And even though she didn't wear any make-up or jewelry, she just looked a lot prettier than she had as a child.

But she's still a bottomless pit, he sighed and thought of his flat wallet. Where did she put all of that?! Her legs must be hollow…or something.

"There you are!" his "nosy" sensei cried and dropped down from the tree above. "So how did it go?" Jiraiya asked eagerly, like a child pleading for candy.

Minato shuddered and buried his face in his hands. "I don't want to talk about it," he mumbled.

"…Don't tell me you blew it?" the Sannin groaned.

"I…I don't know." I'm not entirely sure how to classify what happened.

"How do you not know?" Jiraiya sputtered. "Did you score with her or make a fool of yourself?"

"Um…both…maybe?" She totally played me…but she did give me a hug and a kiss…

"'Both…maybe'?" Jiraiya repeated. "What does that mean? …It wasn't a pity kiss, was it? Please tell me it wasn't!"

"I'm not sure," Minato sighed. She's impossible to figure out…and that was before I knew she was a girl!

"Well what happened?" his sensei demanded. "Details boy, details!"

"I don't want to talk about it," Minato huffed.

"Why not?" Jiraiya whined. "You blew it, didn't you? Damn it Minato, you shouldn't have ditched me! I could give you better advice if I'd been able to observe you with her!"

"I don't want your love advice, sensei," Minato grumbled. "You never 'scored' with the one woman that you really wanted to."

"Tsunade-hime's just a real tough nut to crack!" Jiraiya laughed boldly. "She'll come around eventually."

"Right," Minato snorted.

"But enough about that—details!"

Minato scowled. "No!"

"Pul-lease?!"

"Quit asking, sensei; I'm not going to answer!"

"You're so cruel to me, Minato-kun!" Jiraiya wailed, throwing an arm over his eyes. "I'm dying of curiosity here!"

"Jiraiya-sensei!" Minato moaned. "Knock it off!"

"Not until you spill!" his teacher threatened.

Minato growled and glanced around, checking for anyone else who might be eavesdropping. "No one else came with you to find me, right?"

"Right!" Jiraiya nodded eagerly. "They all stayed back to drink and speculate about your date. There's probably a betting pool going now, too."

"Great." He scrubbed a hand wearily over his face. "Okay, okay…"

"So how did you meet this girl?" Jiraiya demanded.

"I ran into her on my scouting mission in the overrun Whirlpool Country—"

"That explains her hitae-ate."

"—where she was undercover at an inn. She poisoned some Iwa-nin and I used my Hiraishin to get her to the border of the Land of Fire. In exchange, she agreed to go on a date with me…so that all of you would quit telling me to get a girlfriend and trying to set me up on blind dates."

"I see, I see." Jiraiya beckoned at him. "Continue."

"I was in such a hurry when I met her that I never really set a date or a place or caught her name. All we agreed upon was that she would do it and that she decided where we went."

"So you left her to track you down?" the Sannin snorted. "Minato, Minato, you're hopeless!"

"Well, she found me, as you saw, and after losing you, she brought us to this ramen stand—"

"A ramen stand?! What sort of romantic location is that?"

"It wasn't supposed to be romantic. It was just me taking a girl out so that you all would shut up. And she picked the place," he shrugged. "It's what she wanted." And it's probably for the best. I'd be deep in debt if she wanted to go somewhere expensive…

"Whatever," Jiraiya snorted, "Keep going."

"So we order and she gets me talking while she just sits there and eats and nods."

"That's so boring," Jiraiya complained.

"Oh it gets better," Minato scowled. "When I run out of things to say, it's her turn. It's then that I notice how much she ended up eating…"

"What? Did she eat a lot?"

"Twelve whole bowls of miso ramen," Minato informed him.

"That skinny chick ate that much?!" Jiraiya laughed. "Oh wow! The bill must've been killer!"

"I'm broke," Minato moaned, inciting his immature teacher to even more laughter.

"Okay, okay, I'm done," Jiraiya sniggered, rubbing at his eyes. "What next?"

"She tells me a little about herself, and I ask her what her name is—"

"You still didn't know?!"

"—and she tells me." Minato sighed and slumped against the tree trunk.

"Oh? So who is she?"

"…You remember, five years ago, that…" Minato squirmed in embarrassment. "You remember Uzumaki-san?"

"Don't you mean 'Uzumaki-kun'?" Jiraiya snorted. "Of course I remember her! What's she got to do with your mystery date?"

Minato slumped lower. "That was her."

"What was her?"

"My 'mystery date.' She was Uzumaki-san."

There was a long, long pause. "That cute red-head who picked you up at the bar was the Uzumaki brat?"

"Yes, sensei."

"That dirty little tomboy…turned into that?!"

"Yes, sensei."

Jiraiya frowned and glanced up at the clear sky overhead.

"What are you looking for, Jiraiya-sensei?"

"Just checking to see if the sky is falling yet," he replied calmly. "The end of the world must be nigh."

Minato slapped his forehead, but secretly agreed.