This chapter was edited on 9/5/08. I've added in a little bit, mostly in the second half. Sorry if this causes any confusion. :\ Thank you to everyone that replied to my author's note! And many thanks to efficacious humoroisty for betaing! :)
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, Ian belongs to Stephenie Meyer. :( And so does The Host and every other character from it.
A/N: This one ended up being really long, so I'm sorry about that. But I hope you guys still like it anyways! :) Thank you to melissaturkey, ChampionShoes, ashley-anne-cullen, Sakiru Yume, StillOnCloud9, Wolf Babies, Jess, ChrissiTine, mandyk24, Naomirocks and fanpersonthingy for all of the reviews! And once again, a good portion of the dialogue is from the book, pages 367 – 435.
Five
Jealousy is a strange emotion. It comes out of nowhere for the strangest reasons and it can completely overtake you. Like right now. I was burning up with jealousy as I watched Wanda with Jared while I warmed up for the soccer game with Wes and Jamie. They were just talking, but I still wanted to go over there and break it up. I don't even know why I felt that way. It had become painfully obvious that, while Jared was warming up to her, he would never care for anyone the way he cared for Melanie, even the soul that was inside her now. But I still didn't like it. Wanda was so self-less, she would do whatever either of them asked her to do, even if it meant trying to erase herself so that they could be together. As much as I hated it, I found myself actually glad that Kyle (who was incredibly lucky because Jeb had just decided not to punish him for what he had done to her) was trying his best to pull Jared away from her.
It was hard to lose myself in the soccer game after that. All I could see was the way Wanda looked at Jared, like he was her entire world, and it honestly made me see red. He was lucky that I hadn't literally creamed him by halftime. Trudy and Paige had gone to get some refreshments, and everyone had crowded around the box of granola bars when they came back. I grabbed a bunch of them and made my way over to Wanda. She must have been starving; she'd only had a couple of Cheetos before the tribunal. "Here you go…" I said when I got to her. However, she already had a couple of them.
"Beat ya," Jamie said, smirking at me.
"Oh," Jared said as he appeared next to Jamie. He also had too many granola bars, like he was bringing them over to Wanda as well. For some reason, that didn't sit well with me. Why was he suddenly being so kind to her? I didn't like it. I didn't want to be reminded of how Wanda seemed to feel about him. And he was looking at me like he knew how I felt about Wanda and he didn't like it. He still couldn't see the difference between Wanda and Melanie.
I heard my brother say, "Where's all the food?" I turned and saw him looking around the room, like the granola bars had all gotten up and decided to hide on him. He was such an idiot.
"Catch," Jared said, throwing his granola bars at him, hard. I hoped they would all hit him in the face, but unfortunately, Kyle was able to catch them. Then he jogged over to us, probably looking to see if we had any more extra snacks.
"Here." I shoved half of what I was carrying into his hands without even looking at him. I was still disgusted with him. If it had been up to me, he would be out wandering in the desert right now. "Now go."
Kyle ignored me and looked right past me to Wanda. She recoiled in fear, wincing as she upset one of the injuries he had already inflicted on her. I stood in front of her, trying to block her from his view. Jared did the same and said, "You heard him."
"Can I say something?" he asked, attempting to look past us to Wanda. I didn't say anything, although I didn't want him to speak to her. It was too much to hope that he would apologize to her. "I'm not sorry. I still think it was the right thing to do." I couldn't believe him! How could he say something like that? Didn't he realize that I was only one step away from wringing his neck? I shoved him but he stepped forward again and said, "Hold on, I'm not done."
"Yeah, you are," Jared said, clenching his fists. I tried not to smirk at that. I might be insanely jealous of him at the moment, but it was good to have him on my side. At least there was no way Kyle could harm her now.
Everyone must have noticed the stand-off, because a tense silence filled the room. "No, I'm not," he said, holding his hands up in surrender so I wouldn't shut him up by punching him in the mouth. "I don't think I was wrong, but you did save my life. I don't know why, but you did. So I figure, a life for a life. I won't kill you. I'll pay the debt that way."
I couldn't believe he was acting like not killing her was some kind of act of sainthood. "You stupid jackass," I said.
"Who's got the crush on a worm, bro? You gonna call me stupid?" he said sarcastically. I couldn't believe that he thought it would be a good idea to antagonize me by actually saying that in front of her! I wanted to know how Wanda was reacting to it, but I was too angry with him. I lifted my fists and leaned forward, getting ready to pound his face in.
"I'll tell you why," Wanda said loudly, effectively breaking up the fight that was just about to start. We all turned to stare at her and she cleared her throat, obviously uncomfortable with all of the attention she was getting. "I didn't let you fall because… because I'm not like you. I'm not saying that I'm not… like humans. Because there are others here who would do the same. There are kind and good people here. People like your brother, and Jeb, and Doc… I'm saying that I'm not like you personally."
I had to smile at that. Kyle would take it as insult, the fact that Wanda herself was pointing out that she was a better person than he was. I was surprised that she even had it in her to say something like that. "Ouch," Kyle said after a moment. He turned to get some water and called over his shoulder, "A life for a life."
It was easy to lose myself in the soccer games after that. I knew that Kyle would keep his word, it was one of the things he prided himself on. That didn't mean I had forgiven him, though. He wasn't asking for anyone's forgiveness anyways, which only made me angrier. And now that Kyle had said he wouldn't try to kill her, someone else might try to step up and do it. Brandt and Aaron were just as upset that Wanda was being treated humanely as Kyle was, and there was nothing that would stop them from attempting murder. Once the game was over, he tried to give me a high-five, but I stalked past him, ready to take Wanda back to her room. But then he grabbed my shoulder and spun me around to face him. I knocked his hand away, and he used it to throw a punch at my stomach. He didn't put a lot of force behind it and I dodged out of the way easily. Then he laughed and gave me a noogie. It was hard to stay upset with Kyle. He was my brother, after all. But I didn't want to forgive him, not yet, so I pushed his hand away. I couldn't stop the small smile from appearing on my face though. "Good game, bro," he said. "You've still got it."
"You're such an idiot, Kyle," I said, dodging him again as he tried to rub his fist into my scalp.
"You got the brains, I got the looks," he said, smirking at me. "Seems fair." He tried to throw another punch but I caught it and twisted him into a headlock. I smiled as he swore at me while trying to get out of it. And all was forgiven then. This was Kyle's way of apologizing to me, because, even though he didn't regret trying to hurt Wanda, he did regret the fact that he had tried to hurt someone that I obviously cared about. It was annoying how Kyle could read me so well. Although my crush on Wanda might have been obvious to Jared, or maybe even Wanda, Kyle was the only one who could see exactly how deep those feelings ran. "Hey," he said softly, nodding towards the doorway of the rec room, "looks like someone's trying to steal your girl." I loosened my grip as I saw Jared holding Wanda's hand in the doorway. I felt that weird burning feeling of jealousy in my chest again, and I was determined to break that little party up. I let go of Kyle entirely and he punched me lightly on the shoulder and said, "See you, Ian."
As I made my way over to them, I heard Jared ask, "Where to?" Like he could actually get her around by just holding her hand. He must have known that was impossible; he was in the hospital wing with me when Doc had looked over all of her injuries.
"Ah…" she said, frowning. "I don't really know. I suppose there's still a mat by the ho – in the storage area."
Why would she say that? She knew that she was more than welcome in my room. I wasn't going to let her sleep in the stupid cramped hole anymore. I reached them then and I put an arm under hers, supporting most of her weight. "I'll get her where she needs to go," I said.
Jared's face was blank as he looked at me, but I knew him well enough to see the anger underneath it. No, he really didn't like the relationship I had with Wanda. "We were just discussing where exactly that would be. She's tired. Maybe the hospital…?"
I knew she wouldn't want to spend any more time in the hospital wing than necessary after what happened with Walter. I shook my head and I could see Wanda shaking hers out of the corner of my eye. "I've got a better place for her. Those cots aren't much softer than rock, and she's got a lot of sore spots."
"Why don't you get lunch?" Jared said, still holding her hand. That didn't sit well with me. "You look hungry. I'll take her wherever you had planned…?"
I chuckled softly. I knew what he was trying to do and I didn't like it. "I'm fine. And honestly, Jared, Wanda needs a bit more help than a hand. I don't know if you're… comfortable enough with the situation to give her that. You see –" I paused and picked her up quickly. She gasped at the pain that must still be there in her side. Jared didn't let go of her, though. " – she's actually had enough exercise for one day, I think. You go on ahead to the kitchen."
He glared at me for a long minute and then said lowly, "I can carry her."
But I knew he wouldn't. He was more accepting of Wanda now but he was still weirded out by the fact that she was literally inside of Melanie. "Can you?" I asked, holding her out to him. He stared at her face for a moment before sighing and dropping her hand. The corners of my mouth twitched in triumph. Then I caught the pained look on Wanda's face, and I had a hard time keeping the jealousy from showing.
"I think I'll tag along," Jared said as I turned and headed for my room. "There's something I want to discuss with you."
And there it was. I knew Jared was going to tell me to stay away from her. I was slightly dreading this talk because I knew it would cause a rift between us. "Suit yourself."
He waited until we had almost reached my room to speak up again. "What's your take on Kyle?" he asked.
"He prides himself on being a man of his word. Usually, I would trust a promise from him. In this situation… I'm not letting her out of my sight."
"Good," Jared said. I could tell that he would help protect her now.
"It will be fine, Ian," Wanda said, speaking up for the first time. "I'm not afraid."
"You don't have to be," I said softly. "I promise – no one is ever going to do something like this to you again. You will be safe here." I stared intensely at her, willing her to see the promise in my eyes. I wouldn't let anything harm her ever again.
"Yes," Jared said from behind me. "You will."
"Thanks," she whispered.
We were silent until we reached my room. I nodded towards the red and grey doors that covered the entrance and said, "Would you mind getting that?"
"Your room?" Jared said skeptically. "This is your better place?"
"It's her room now," I answered, a little offended by what he was implying. Did he really think I would put her somewhere that wasn't one hundred percent safe?
"Where's Kyle staying?" he asked.
I rolled my eyes at him. So this was what was bothering him. Of course I wouldn't ask Kyle to sleep in the same room as her. "With Wes, for now."
"And you?" he said, his eyes narrowing slightly.
He didn't want me to stay with her, either. But I knew Wanda wouldn't want to make me leave, and it's not like I could protect her if I wasn't in there with her. Still, I didn't want to provoke him so I said, "I'm not exactly sure."
"Ian, this is –" Wanda started to say.
"Oh," I said, remembering that she needed her rest. I shouldn't have made her stay out here and listen to this. "You're exhausted, aren't you? Jared, could you get the door, please?" Jared grabbed the red door and moved it out of the way with a little too much force and I tried to hide my smug grin by walking into the room quickly. I set her down carefully on one of the mattresses. "That okay?"
"Yes," she said.
"You look tired."
"I shouldn't be – I've done nothing but sleep lately." I knew it must have been killing her, not being able to keep herself busy. For some reason, she thought working constantly would make everyone feel better about her staying here.
"Your body needs sleep to heal," I said. I could see that she was having trouble keeping her eyelids open. "I'll bring you food later – don't worry about anything."
"Thank you." I was about to turn around and leave her alone to sleep when she said, "Ian?"
"Yeah?"
"This is your room. You'll sleep here, of course."
"You don't mind?" I asked, trying very hard not to smile.
"Why would I?" she asked.
"It's probably a good idea," I said, although Jared wouldn't see it that way. "It's the best way to keep an eye on you. Get some sleep."
Her eyes were already closed as she said, "Okay."
I got up slowly and walked out into the hallway. I still wanted to talk to Jared about the Kyle situation, and I'm sure he had something to say to me. I tried to be as quiet as possible as I put the door back in its place. "Do you think what happened this morning will influence Aaron or Brandt?" I asked in a low voice, not wanting Wanda to hear me if she hadn't already fallen asleep. There was no reason for her to be afraid because I wouldn't let them get to her.
"You mean Kyle getting a bye?" he asked.
"Yeah. They didn't have to… do anything before. Not when it looked so likely that Kyle would do it for them." And now that he had said he wouldn't hurt her, they had all the more reason to try.
"I see your point. I'll speak to them."
"You think that will be enough?" I asked skeptically.
"I've saved both their lives. They owe me. If I ask them for something, they'll do it."
But I thought he put too much stock in their humanity. "You'd bet her life on that?"
Jared thought that over and then said, "We'll keep an eye on her." He stared at me expectantly for a couple of minutes. It was almost like he was waiting for me to leave. "Aren't you going to go eat?" he asked finally.
I didn't want to leave Wanda alone right now so I shook my head. "I think I'll hang out here for a bit… How about you?" I could tell that he didn't like my answer. "What? Is there something you want to say to me, Jared?"
He spoke slowly, as if he were trying to keep the anger out of his words. "The girl in there…"
"Yes?"
"That body doesn't belong to her," he pointed out.
"Your point?" I asked. It was coming now. He was going to tell me to stay away from her, probably try to threaten me. I hoped Wanda was already sleeping, because she wouldn't like the fight that would ensue.
His hands were clenched into fists. "Keep your hands off it," he said, his voice hard.
I chuckled softly. "Jealous, Howe?"
"That's not really the issue," he said, his hands twitching like he wanted nothing more than to hit me at that moment.
"Really," I said sarcastically. He must be pretty far in denial if he didn't think it was jealousy. Even if he had no feelings for Wanda, he would still be jealous of the fact that I was spending time, and would actually be rooming, with Melanie's body.
"Wanda seems to be, more or less, cooperating with Melanie," Jared said, trying to explain to me. He didn't seem as angry now, as if he thought I would see reason perfectly once he had finished saying what he had to say. "It sounds like they're almost… on friendly terms. But obviously Wanda's making the decisions. What if it were you? How would you feel if you were Melanie? What if you were the one… invaded that way? What if you were trapped, and someone else was telling your body what to do? If you couldn't speak for yourself? Wouldn't you want your wishes – as much as they could be known – respected? At the very least by other humans?"
He did have a point. It must be hard for Melanie, being stuck inside Wanda. She probably wouldn't like the way I felt about Wanda either. But someone had to think about Wanda and her feelings, especially since she never seemed to do it herself. "Okay, okay. Point taken. I'll keep that in mind."
"What do you mean, you'll keep that in mind?" Jared said, his hands clenching into fists again and his knuckles turning white from the strain.
"I mean that I'll think about it," I said.
"There's nothing to think about," Jared said through his clenched teeth. "The body and the person locked inside it belong to me."
But he had been away from Melanie for a long time now. "You're sure that Melanie still feels the –"
"Melanie will always be mine. And I will always be hers," he said quickly, a fierce expression on his face. And I couldn't doubt him then.
"But what if it were you?" I whispered. He was so wrapped up in Melanie that he couldn't see anything from Wanda's perspective. I needed him to see that there were two sides to this. "What if you were stuffed in a human body and let loose on this planet, only to find yourself lost among your own kind? What if you were such a good… person that you tried to save the life you'd taken, that you almost died trying to get her back to her family? What if you then found yourself surrounded by violent aliens who hated you and hurt you and tried to murder you, over and over again? What if you just kept doing whatever you could to save and heal these people despite that? Wouldn't you deserve a life, too? Wouldn't you have earned that much?" He didn't have anything to say to that. "Point taken?"
"I – I'll have to think about that one," he said.
"Do that," I said.
"But still –" he started to say.
I interrupted him with a sigh. I couldn't keep up the act of bravado anymore. While I had feelings for Wanda, it had become painfully clear lately that she didn't return them. "Don't get worked up," I said. "Wanda isn't exactly human, despite the body. She doesn't seem to respond to… physical contact the same way a human would."
Jared actually laughed at that. "Is that your theory?"
I didn't understand what was so funny about that, unless he was delighting in the fact that he would get his way despite my earlier protests. "What's funny?"
He sobered up quickly. "She is quite capable of responding to physical contact. She's human enough for that. Or her body is, anyways." I was speechless. How would he know that? It's not like he could have tried anything, he had only just recently stopped hating her. "Jealous, O'Shea?" he asked, a smug grin on his face.
And I was. The fact that he had tried something with Wanda, and that she had actually responded to him, sent that red heat of jealousy burning through me again. "Actually… I am. Surprisingly so," I said, trying to contain my anger. I couldn't hit him right now, no matter how much I wanted to, because I wanted to know exactly what happened between them. "How would you know that?"
"It was… sort of an experiment."
"An experiment?" I asked.
"It didn't go the way I thought it would. Mel punched me," he grinned.
I was actually seeing red at that point. "Melanie… punched… you?"
"It sure wasn't Wanda. You should have seen her face," he said, still smiling at the memory. He noticed my furious expression and asked, "What?" I couldn't stop myself anymore. I shoved him as hard as I could into the rock wall of the hallway. He saw my clenched fists and took a quick step out of my reach. "Hey, Ian, easy, man!"
"Did you think for one moment what that must have done to her?" I said, my voice so quiet in anger that it was practically like I was hissing at him.
"Mel?" he asked. How could he not have realized that he would have hurt Wanda by doing that? If I didn't know any better, I would have thought that he had completely forgotten that she was in there
"No, you fool, Wanda!"
"Done to Wanda?" he asked, sounding completely confused by my question. It was as if he didn't even think that Wanda had feelings at all. I was going to literally kill him if he didn't get out of my sight.
"Oh, get out of here. Go eat something. Stay away from me for a few hours." I turned abruptly and yanked the door out of my way roughly, trying not to make a sound. Then I closed the door in Jared's face, not wanting to see him anymore for the day. When I turned around, I saw that Wanda hadn't been sleeping like I thought. She was staring at me wide-eyed, and I knew that she had heard every word we had said. I felt a little ashamed; we shouldn't have been talking about her like that when she could plainly hear us. She must not be very happy with me, but it would be a good segue into the conversation I wanted to have with her. "I guess we weren't as quiet as I thought," I said.
"Sound carries in these caves," she whispered.
I nodded. "So… what do you think?"
"What do I think about what?" she asked.
It felt like she was torturing me. "About our… discussion out there."
She thought it over for a moment and said, "I really don't know."
I nodded. "That's understandable." There was a lot to think about.
"Only because you are very understanding," she said.
I smiled at that and sat down on the bed across from her. "I like you very much, Wanda."
"I'm only just beginning to see that. I guess I'm a little slow."
"It's a surprise for me, too," I said. I hadn't expected to fall for anyone after I had gone on the run. Honestly, I hadn't wanted to. I saw what it did to Kyle when Jodi was taken, and I hadn't wanted to feel any of that pain. But I was glad that it happened with Wanda. I could only hope that she could someday feel the same way. I pursed my lips and asked, "And… I suppose… that is one of the things you don't know how you feel about?"
"No. I mean yes. I… don't know. I… I –"
As cute as it was to watch her fumble for words, I interrupted her. "That's okay. You haven't had long to think about it. And it must seem… strange."
She nodded. "Yes. More than strange. Impossible."
There she went, putting herself down again. But I didn't want to focus on that right now. All that talk about Jared's experiment had given me an idea. "Tell me something," I said.
"If I know the answer," she said. I knew she would be honest with me. And even if she wasn't, I would always be able to see the lie on her face.
I reached across the space between the mattresses and picked up her hand. I held it in both of mine for moment and then slowly ran the fingers of my left hand up her arm to her shoulder. Then, just as slowly, I ran them back down to her wrist. I could see the goose bumps rising on her arm. "Does that feel good or bad to you?" I asked softly. It definitely felt good to me; it was as if I had just poured gasoline on my fingertips and then lit a match. She must have been lost in thought because she was silent for what felt like hours. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. "Wanda?"
"Melanie says bad," she whispered. So Jared had been right about her. She was openly objecting to me. I had a sinking feeling; I knew Wanda would want to do right by her and that didn't bode well for me.
"What do you say?" I asked.
"I say… I don't know."
That made sense, I guess. I couldn't fault her for that. She must not have been through anything like this before, or at least, she had never mentioned it. And she also had someone who was in love with another person inside there with her. "I can't even imagine how confusing this all must be to you."
"Yes," she nodded. "I'm confused."
I trailed my hand up and down her arm again. I couldn't seem to stop myself from touching her, but I had to take her feelings into consideration. "Would you like me to stop?"
"Yes," she said, and it felt like my heart was getting squeezed in a vice. "That… what you're doing… makes it hard for me to think. And Melanie is… angry at me. That also makes it hard to think."
I sat back and crossed my arms over my chest. This would be so much easier if Melanie wasn't here. "I don't suppose she'd give us a minute alone?"
She laughed at that. "I doubt it."
It wouldn't hurt to try, though. I looked right her directly in the eye and asked, "Melanie Stryder? I'd like the chance to speak with Wanda privately, if you don't mind. Is there any way that could be arranged?" Wanda listened to her for a moment and then wrinkled her nose in disgust. "What did she say?"
"She said no," Wanda replied. "And that she doesn't… like you."
I laughed. I didn't think that she would, especially not after what I was planning. "I can respect that. I can respect her. Well, it was worth a try. Kind of puts a damper on things, having an audience." She grimaced, and I knew that Melanie had just said a few not-so-nice things about me. I put my hand on her face and said, "I'll let you think about things, okay? So you can decide how you feel."
"It might take a while. None of this makes any sense, you know," she said.
"I know," I smiled. Of course it wouldn't to her. She never seemed to understand why anyone could like her. But it didn't make any sense to me, either.
"You don't really feel that way about me, you know," she whispered, her voice full of chagrin. "It's this body… She's pretty, isn't she?"
I nodded. "She is. Melanie is a very pretty girl. Even beautiful." I reached up and stroked the scars on her bruised cheek. "In spite of what I've done to her face." She looked confused by what I was saying. I reached up and brushed her hair off her forehead. "But, as pretty as she is, she's a stranger to me. She's not the one I… care about."
"Ian, you don't… Nobody separates us the way they should. Not you, not Jamie, not Jeb," she said, her words coming out in a rush. "You couldn't care about me. If you could hold me in your hand, me, you would be disgusted. You would throw me to the ground and grind me under your foot."
While that would be my first instinct if I had one of the souls in my hands, I wouldn't do it if I knew that soul was Wanda. I could never hurt her. "I… not if I knew it was you."
She laughed, although I didn't think she found anything funny. "How would you know? You couldn't tell us apart." I frowned at that. It was the truth, they all looked the same. "It's just the body," she said.
But it wasn't the body. I was attracted to Melanie's body, yes, but Wanda was in control of it. And she was the one I was falling for. "That's not true at all," I said. I kneeled down in front of her and grabbed her hand in mine. "It's not the face, but the expressions on it. It's not the voice, but what you say. It's not how you look in that body, but the things you do with it. You are beautiful. I've never known anyone like you."
She sighed, as if she thought I wasn't getting it. "Ian, what if I'd come here in Magnolia's body?"
I grimaced at the thought of that. "Okay. That's a good question," I said, laughing. "I don't know."
"Or Wes's?"
"But you're female – you yourself are," I said.
"And I always request whatever a planet's equivalent is. It seems more… right. But I could be put into a man and I would function just fine."
"But you're not in a man's body."
"See? That's my point. Body and soul. Two different things, in my case."
But she still wasn't seeing my point. "I wouldn't want it without you."
"You wouldn't want me without it," she said.
I reached out and put my hand on her cheek again. "But this body is part of you, too. It's part of who you are. And, unless you change your mind and turn us all in, it's who you will always be." And she couldn't just stay stuck in between Melanie and Jared for her whole life. She didn't answer me right away so she must have been talking to Melanie again. "Another internal conversation?"
"We're thinking of our mortality."
"You could live forever if you left us," I said. But she wouldn't because she didn't want to turn us in. That must mean something.
"Yes, I could," she sighed. "You know, humans have the shortest life span of any species I've ever been, except the Spiders. You have so little time."
I knew that. So didn't she think she should do every thing she could to make it worthwhile? "Don't you think then…" I said, leaning in until my nose was almost touching hers, "that maybe you should make the most of what time you have? That you should live while you're alive?" And then I leaned in closer and pressed my lips lightly to hers. Kissing Wanda was so different than kissing anyone else… it was like igniting a fire that burned deep inside me, changing every part of me that it touched. "Good or bad?" I whispered against her lips.
"I – I can't think," she said, and I moved my lips with hers.
"That sounds… good." If it overwhelmed her to the point where she couldn't think, then that must have meant that it wasn't bad. I pressed my lips to hers harder, catching her bottom lip in between mine. And she didn't pull away.
"Please," she whispered against my lips.
"Yes?"
"Please stop. I can't think. Please."
I stopped and pulled away, clasping my hands in front of me. "Okay," I said cautiously. I suddenly felt vulnerable. I had laid everything out in front of her, and now I could only wait and see what her reaction was. She put her hand on her forehead like she had a migraine. "Well, at least no one punched me," I smiled.
"She wanted to do more than that. Ugh. I don't like it when she's mad. It hurts my head. Anger is so… ugly."
"Why didn't she?" I asked curiously.
"Because I didn't lose control. She only breaks free when I'm… overwhelmed." So I had been wrong about that, then. She kneaded her forehead, and I felt bad for causing her pain. Her eyes went blank, like she was staring off into space. I waited for as long as I could and then said, "She's talking to you."
"Yelling at me," she said, correcting me.
"I can tell now. I can see you concentrate on the conversation. I never noticed before today," I said.
"She's not always this vocal."
"I am sorry, Melanie," I said, feeling like I should say something to her so she wouldn't keep torturing Wanda. "I know this must be impossible for you." She winced, and my face twisted into something that was part smile and part grimace. "She doesn't accept." She shook her head. "So she can break free? If you're overwhelmed?"
She shrugged. "Sometimes, if she takes me by surprise and I'm too… emotional. Emotion makes it hard to concentrate. But it's been more difficult for her lately. It's like the door between us is locked. I don't know why. I tried to let her out when Kyle –" she stopped abruptly, still putting on the charade that nothing had happened in the river rooms.
"When Kyle tried to kill you," I said, finishing her sentence for her. "You wanted her free? Why?" She stared at me blankly. "To fight him?" She still didn't answer and I sighed. "Okay. Don't tell me. Why do you think the… door is locked?"
She frowned. "I don't know. Maybe the time passing… It worries us."
"But she broke through before, to punch Jared."
"Yes," she said, shuddering at what must have been a bad memory for her.
"Because you were overwhelmed and emotional?" I asked. It was starting to dawn on me now, the awful truth.
"Yes."
"What did he do? Just kiss you?" She nodded and I flinched. Ouch. So apparently, she wasn't overwhelmed before like I had thought, just confused. I couldn't really explain this away. Melanie's feelings for Jared must have transferred over to Wanda, just like her feelings for Jamie had. But exactly how much did Wanda feel for him?
"What? What's wrong?" she asked. I guess I hadn't controlled that reaction well.
"When Jared kisses you, you are… overwhelmed by emotion. And when I kiss you… you aren't sure if you like it. You are not… overwhelmed," I said, sighing.
"Oh," she said, catching on then. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be," I said. It didn't make any sense for her to feel sorry. It wasn't fair of me to push all of this on her and expect her to react positively. "I told you I'd give you time, and I don't mind waiting for you to think things through. I don't mind at all."
"What do you mind?" she asked.
I had to tell her, although I felt like it might be putting just a little bit too much on her at once. "I saw how you loved Jamie. That was always really obvious. I guess I should have seen that you loved Jared, too. Maybe I didn't want to," I said. I had wanted it all to be Melanie, I guess. "It makes sense. You came here for the two of them. You love them both, the same way Melanie did. Jamie like a brother. And Jared…" I stopped then, not wanting to say the words. "How much of that is Melanie?"
"I don't know. Does it matter?"
"Yes. It does to me," I said softly. If she ever did give in to my advances, I didn't want it to be because Jared would never accept her. I refused to be second best. But we had enough time to figure it out. She didn't have to do it all this morning. I laughed and said, "Time is on my side. We've got the rest of our lives in here. One day you'll wonder what you ever saw in Jared."
She laughed with me but before she could say anything, we could hear Jamie outside the doors to my room. "Wanda? Wanda, can I come in?"
"Of course, Jamie," she said.
He got the door out of the way with a little bit of difficulty and said, "Hey, Wanda! Hey, Ian!" She held her hand out to him but I was in the way. He sat down next to her and rested his hand on her foot. "How are you feeling?"
"Better," she said.
"Hungry yet? There's beef jerky and corn on the cob! I could get you some."
"I'm okay for now. How are you?" she asked. "I haven't seen you much lately."
He made a face and said, "Sharon gave me detention."
I held in a laugh. Sharon had gotten very liberal with her detentions lately, according to Jamie. She was very upset with Doc at the moment, mostly because of Wanda, and she was taking it out on everyone around her. Wanda smiled and asked, "What did you do?"
"Nothing. I was totally framed." And then he changed the subject quickly by saying, "Guess what? Jared was saying at lunch that he didn't think it was fair for you to have to move out of the room you were used to. He said you should move back in with me! Isn't that great? I asked him if I could tell you right away, and he said that was a good idea. He said you would be in here."
"I'll bet he did," I muttered. That was sneaky. There was no way that Wanda would say no to Jamie.
"So what do you think, Wanda? We get to be roomies again!"
"But Jamie, where will Jared stay?" Wanda asked.
"Wait – let me guess," I said. "I bet he said the room was big enough for three. Am I right?" I couldn't believe him.
"Yeah," Jamie said. "How did you know?"
"Lucky guess," I said sarcastically.
"So that's good, isn't it, Wanda? It will be just like before we came here!" Wanda's face twisted in pain at his words. Jamie realized what he had said and quickly reassured her, "Oh. No, I mean but with you, too. It will be nice. The four of us, right?"
She tried to laugh through her pain but I could tell that she didn't feel better. I squeezed her hand. "The four of us," she mumbled. "Nice."
Jamie crawled over to Wanda's side of the mattress and put his arms around her neck. "Sorry," he said. "Don't be sad."
"Don't worry about it," she said softly.
"You know I love you, too." Her whole face lit up at that. "Will you come back?" he asked, practically begging. She didn't answer right away and he said. "What does Mel want?"
"She wants to live with you," she whispered.
"And what do you want?" he asked.
"Do you want me to live with you?" she asked him. I could see now that I might as well go and help Kyle move his things back into this room. There was no way that she was going to say no to this, even if living with Jared meant more of that same pain she had felt before.
"You know I do, Wanda. Please." She hesitated for a moment and Jamie pulled out his sad, puppy-dog face. Even I would have a hard time saying no to him then. "Please?" he asked again.
"If that's what you want, Jamie. Okay."
"Woo hoo!" he yelled. "Cool! I'm gonna go tell Jared! I'll get you some food, too, okay?"
"Okay."
He got up quickly and then turned back to me. "You want something, Ian?"
I wanted Wanda to stay in here, with me, but I could see that that wasn't going to happen. "Sure, kid," I said. "I want you to tell Jared he's shameless."
"Huh?" he said, not really getting it.
"Never mind. Go get Wanda some lunch," I said.
"Sure," he said happily. "And I'll ask Wes for his extra bed. Kyle can come back in here and everything will be like it should be!"
I didn't agree with that. "Perfect," I said, rolling my eyes. Of course Jared would get his way, it seemed like he always did.
"Perfect," Wanda said, her face twisting up in pain again.
Life in the caves continued almost normally after that. It was hard watching Wanda with Jared even though I knew he was only doing it to keep her away from me. But he went on a raid with Jamie soon after that day spent in my room, and I was able to be around her again. And she didn't seem that weirded out by what I had said or done that day, so I knew that she was still making her decision. I was still hopeful; I mean, if it took her this long to turn me down then she must feel something towards me. She even teased me about it, saying that I could sleep in her room with her if I managed to beat her at a game of soccer. I did, but it ended up being a wasted effort since Jared and Jamie got back literally right after the game. Luck definitely hadn't been on my side since I had fallen for her. And unfortunately, they brought back more test subjects for Doc.
Wanda managed to sneak past Jamie and I and found out about them, the test subjects, in one of the worst possible ways. I hadn't even noticed that she was gone until I got back with food for the three of us and Jamie was waiting in the main room, alone. He said that she had gone looking for me, and it didn't take me long to figure out what she was doing after that. By the time I was halfway down the south hallway, I could hear her shrieking the word "Monster!" I pushed myself to run faster as I tried not to imagine the worst. I didn't want to think what the consequences of this would be. Wanda was obviously disgusted by what we were doing, but some might think that this might send her over the edge. Wanda was a good person, she wouldn't be able to even begin to understand why we had to do this because she seemed to have a hard time understanding that we were on the losing side of a fight that would cost us our lives.
I was close enough to the hospital wing now that I could hear Doc say, "She's hysterical. Hold on." I slid into the room just in time to see him slap her across the face.
My eyes widened in shock and it felt like the fury was overtaking me. How could Doc, of all people, hurt her like that? I could see what had set her off and I knew that she had a right to react the way she did. There were three dead bodies on the cots, badly hidden beneath dark green blankets. And everything was covered in crimson and silver, human and soul blood mixing together on Doc's makeshift operating table, the walls and the blankets. It was like something straight out of a horror movie, and she had finally seen that humans were just as monstrous as the souls made us out to be. We were ending two lives in our futile quest for hope, killing both the host and the soul inside it in such a brutal fashion that even I had a hard time stomaching it, and sometimes the ends simply don't justify the means. "What are you doing?" I yelled, the anger leaking into my voice.
"It's having a seizure or something, Ian," Jared said, still holding her still. Wanda's breaths were coming out in sharp gasps, and she looked absolutely terrified. "Doc's trying to bring it around."
But I knew she wasn't having a seizure. Her expressive hazel eyes were full of accusations as she looked wildly around the blood-spattered room. She was visibly shaking, even though Jared was trying to hold her still, and then her whole face went blank. She lost consciousness and drooped into Jared's arms. "Oh yeah, and a fat lot of good it did her!" I said. I rushed forward and took her roughly from him. How could they not see that violence would only make us worse in her eyes? I turned, ready to carry her back to her room. She shouldn't wake up to this room; it would only make her freak out again.
"Where are you going?" Kyle asked. He had been standing on the other side of the room, watching Wanda in shock.
"I'm taking her to her room." I said through clenched teeth. I was a little too angry to be civil at that moment. "She can't see this again. You guys should clean it up."
"Shouldn't we discuss this, Ian?" he asked. "What if she decides to turn us all in now? The Seeker in black is still out there in the desert, looking for her. There's a pretty good chance that they'd run into each other if she decided to leave."
"Wanda wouldn't do that," I said, my voice was low and dangerous. I couldn't believe that Kyle still saw the worst in her. She was upset by what we were doing, and she would probably be upset for a while, but I knew there was no way she would give us up to the Seekers, especially the one she had run away from. I left the room quickly after that, not wanting to hear what any of them had to say.
Jared wouldn't let me go, though. He followed after us, catching up to me once I had reached the main room. "I didn't think she would react like this," Jared mumbled, completely shocked by her reaction. "I thought she'd have guessed what we were up to. Looks like I was wrong."
"You think that's what happened?" I asked. I was so incredibly angry with him right now. Apparently, it had been his idea to bring them back to the caves. He had a whole new motivation for wanting Doc to find this out now that he knew Melanie was still inside there. The fact that he was trying to actually get rid of Wanda made me want to take him out. It was lucky for him that I had Wanda in my arms at that moment. "That she was scared because Doc was trying to take the souls out? That she was afraid for herself?"
"You don't?" he asked. How could someone so smart be so completely stupid at the same time?
"No. I don't. As disgusted as I am that you would bring back more… victims for Doc, bring them back now! – as much as that turns my stomach, that's not what upset her. How can you be so blind? Can't you imagine what that must have looked like to her in there?"
"I know we had the bodies covered before –"
I interrupted him. "The wrong bodies, Jared. Oh, I'm sure Wanda would be upset by a human corpse – she's so gentle; violence and death aren't a part of her normal world. But think what the things on that table must have meant to her."
It took him a minute to understand. "Oh."
"Yes. If you or I had walked in on a human vivisection, with torn body parts, with blood splattered on everything, it wouldn't have been as bad for us as it was for her. We'd have seen it all before – even before the invasion, in horror movies, at least. I'd bet she's never been exposed to anything like that in all her lives."
Wanda must have woken up then. "Let me go," she whispered, sounding panicked. "Put me down."
"I didn't mean to wake you," I said softly, trying not to startle her. "I'm sorry."
"Let me go," she said forcefully.
"You're not well. I'll take you to your room."
"No. Put me down," she ordered.
"Wanda –" I started to say but she interrupted me.
"Now!" she shouted, kicking her legs and shoving me at the same time. Her attack took me by surprise and I dropped her. She managed to land on her feet in a crouch and a second later, she was sprinting down the hall.
"Wanda!" I yelled. I tried to run after her but Jared held me back.
"Let her go."
"Don't touch me!" I said. I managed to twist out of his grasp and I started after her again. "Wanda, come back!" He managed to tackle me and I couldn't get him off, no matter how hard I lashed out at him. And then I wasn't really that concerned with following Wanda, I just wanted to show Jared exactly how angry I was with. It was a warning that I would continue to fight him if he kept trying to get rid of Wanda.
Jeb stumbled upon us a couple minutes later. "Where's Wanda?" he asked urgently. "Doc said you were both bringing her back to her room."
I shoved Jared away from me. Fighting with him wouldn't do any good, even if it did make me feel better. It would only be a matter of time before everyone knew about what had just happened. There were enough people in the caves who thought Wanda would turn on us now that she knew our secret, and they were willing to do anything to stop her from escaping. There was a slightly smaller number that would delight in disposing of her. They would probably construe anything Wanda did as "escaping" just so they could get rid of her, especially since she was completely defenseless at the moment. I couldn't understand why they still saw Wanda as a threat, but I knew that we had to find her before they did.
I spent three hours searching, feeling nothing but anxiety and worry. I was starting to lose hope of ever finding her. As much as I didn't think she would abandon us now, I knew that I wouldn't be able to blame her if she did. What we were doing was monstrous, and I didn't know if I could continue to look the other way as it happened. It seemed like it would only bring more pain. We were in the middle of a war, but we shouldn't let that fact erase our humanity.
Wes was the one to find her. He left her with Jared and then sprinted off to find me. I had been searching all of the deserted corridors near the bedrooms, hoping that I would find her in the dark recesses of the caves. I ran off as soon as he had spit out the words "Wanda's in the rec room." I could only hope that I would get there before someone like Brandt or Sharon found out where she was.
Jared was leaving, without Wanda, by the time I reached the mouth of the massive room. "Where is she?" I asked urgently. I had to see her. I would only feel completely secure in the fact that she was safe when I saw her with my own two eyes.
"She wants to be alone," he said. "Let her be."
But there was no way I was going to make her go through this alone. "Don't get in my way again, Howe." I could feel the adrenaline running through me as my hands closed into fists. It wasn't completely logical, but I was fully ready to fight him if he tried to stop me from seeing Wanda again.
"Do you think she wants comfort from you? From a human?" he asked angrily. I couldn't tell if he wanted me to stay away because he simply didn't want me to hang around Wanda or if he was genuinely concerned about her. It didn't matter to me, though. I wasn't the one who had brought them home with us and I refused to leave Wanda alone while she tried to come to terms with what she had just seen.
"I wasn't a party to this –" I said but he interrupted me.
"Not this time," he said softly, his voice hard with anger. "You're one of us, Ian. Her enemy. Did you hear what she said in there? She was screaming monsters. That's how she sees us now. She doesn't want your comfort."
I could see it from his side, I really could. But it pained me to think that Wanda saw me as a monster, her enemy. Hadn't I proven that I wasn't like that? I know I had tried to kill her on her first night here, but I had realized shortly after that how wrong it would be to harm her. I thought I had made up for it with my actions of these past few months, protecting her from those who really were monsters. The irrational side of me won over in that moment and said, "Give me the light."
It didn't take long to find her. She was huddled against the back wall, hugging her knees to her chest, and my heart broke at the look of pain on her face. She had the same expression that loved ones wore at funerals, like she couldn't understand why this had happened. I knew I couldn't reach her then, she had to properly mourn for what she had seen before anyone could even try to take some sense into her. I sat in the dark with her in complete silence all through the first night. She fell asleep huddled against the rock, and I tried to make her more comfortable by putting her head in my lap. When she woke up, she wrenched herself away from me and started to shudder violently, and I knew that she saw me as a monster as well. It was hard to take, mostly because it was the truth. I had taken part in other "experiments," had brought bodies and souls in only so they could die on Doc's table. I was just as bad as they were. The fact that I had changed my mind a few months ago didn't change that, it only made me feel guilty for what I had done.
But I still refused to leave her side while she dealt with this knowledge. She couldn't be alone now. Jared and Kyle had been right before, she saw all humans, even the ones she cared deeply for, as monsters now. She must have thought it was the worst kind of betrayal; we had befriended her while secretly killing many others just like her. I tried to come to terms with the possibility that she might be so disgusted with us that she wouldn't see anything wrong with turning us in now. Many thought that if it came to that, we should subdue her any way we could, but I would never be able to hurt Wanda. And I wouldn't let her face those people alone if it came to that, no matter how illogical it was. I only left to get food, trying to avoid notice so no one knew that Wanda was alone. Once I realized that she was trying to starve herself as some sort of sick way of protesting our decisions, I went on a hunger strike of my own. I didn't want her to stop eating simply because she was mad at us; she would only end up hurting herself. And I couldn't let Wanda kill herself because of us, it was wrong. By the third day, I was practically on my knees begging her to eat. Nothing seemed to work though, so finally I decided to recruit someone else to help me.
I searched everywhere for Jeb but when I couldn't find him, I looked for Jamie instead. I knew Jeb had the best shot at talking her out of this; they seemed to have a mutual level of understanding. I thought I had shared one with her as well, but now wasn't the time to get upset about it. And Jamie was the only one that wouldn't really have to do anything to get her to snap out of it. I found him in his room with Jared and Doc. He looked sick. His face was flushed and covered in sweat but he was shivering. "Ian!" he said as soon as he saw me. "How's Wanda?"
I ignored his question; I was too shocked by his appearance. I was so focused on Wanda that I hadn't even known there was something going on with Jamie. I had thought it was strange that he hadn't tried to see her already, but I simply assumed that Jared had told him not to go looking for her. No one had even mentioned to me that Jamie was sick. "What happened?" I asked.
"The cut's infected," Jared said, looking Jamie over in worry. Jamie had fallen on a knife during the raid and stabbed himself in the leg. It was deep, and I hadn't thought it was this serious, but I could tell now that I had been wrong because he looked awful. And that wasn't even the worst part. Jared nodded towards his injured leg, and I saw the wound. It was about two inches thick, the sides an alarming red, and the skin around it was swollen and shiny. He looked pretty bad. It was obvious that he wasn't putting up that big of a fight against the bacteria. Wanda should be here for this, she would want to be if she were in a better state of mind. She would hate knowing that Jamie was pain. Someone had to talk to her, calm her down enough so that she could come and comfort Jamie. "What's up?" Jared asked, eyeing me curiously.
"I was looking for Jeb. I was hoping he…" I trailed off, not wanting to say anything in front of Jamie. He was already sick; I didn't want to make him worry about Wanda as well.
Jared caught on quickly. "He went down to the rec room almost an hour ago."
He must have been waiting for me to leave. I sighed and ran my hand through my hair, not really knowing what to do at that moment. "Ian, how is Wanda?" Jamie asked urgently. He was looking between the two of us in confusion. "Did anything happen to her?"
"No," I said. I didn't want to tell him but I didn't want to lie to him either. "She's still the same, Jamie."
His face fell. "It's alright," Jared said softly. "Jeb's going to talk to her. He'll get her to come back. Don't worry about it."
I nodded in agreement, although I was starting to doubt that Wanda would be able to get over this any time soon. I watched in silence as Doc ran a wet rag over Jamie's face, trying to break his fever. "Everything will be fine," I said, trying to echo Jared's sentiments. But it felt wrong lying to Jamie. I told them I was going to go get some food and then I rushed back to the rec room, hoping that Jeb had talked to her and that she was eating. She would never forgive herself if something happened to Jamie while she was mourning for those strangers.
When I got back, Jeb was sitting with her and she was actually eating. Relief spread through me in an instant. "Here you are, Jeb," I said, trying to express my gratitude without actually saying it. "Jared guessed you might be here."
She scooted over to me and put her hand on mine. "Sorry," she whispered.
I turned my hand over and intertwined our fingers. "Don't apologize to me," I said softly. I was just so happy that she was back to normal again.
"I should have known," she said. "Jeb's right. Of course you fight back. How can I blame you for that?"
But this was different from fighting back. This was torturing innocent humans and souls just so Jared could maybe one day get his Melanie back, at the expense of Wanda, me and everyone else that cared about her. "It's different with you here. It should have stopped."
"All's fair in war," she mumbled, smiling sadly at me. It looked like she understood exactly what Jared was trying to do.
I tried to smile back, but I don't know how well I did. "And love," I said. "You forgot that part."
"Okay, break it up," Jeb muttered, looking a little uncomfortable. "I'm not done here." He took a deep breath. "Now, try not to freak out again, okay?"
She froze and gripped onto my hand tighter. "You're going to tell her now?" I asked anxiously. Couldn't he wait until she had at least finished her breakfast? She was going to practically starve herself with worry over Jamie now.
"What now?" she gasped, looking around in panic. "What is it now?"
"It's Jamie." As soon as the words were out of Jeb's mouth, she jumped to her feet, dragging me up with her. And then she swayed like she was about to faint again. "Sheesh. I said don't freak out, Wanda. Jamie's okay. He's just really anxious about you. He heard what happened, and he's been asking for you – worried out his mind, that kid is – and I don't think it's good for him. I came down here to ask you to go see him. But you can't go like this. You look horrible. It will just upset him for no good reason. Sit down and eat some more food."
"His leg?" she asked.
"There's a little infection," I said softly, trying to keep her calm. "Doc wants him to stay down or he'd have come to get you a long time ago. If Jared wasn't practically pinning him to the bed, he would have come anyway."
Jeb nodded. "Jared almost came here and carried you out by force, but I told him to let me speak to you first. It wouldn't do the kid any good to see you catatonic."
"What's being done?" she asked. I could hear the worry clearly in her voice.
"Nothin' to do," he said, shrugging. "Kid's strong; he'll fight it off."
"Nothing to do? What do you mean?" she asked.
"It's a bacterial infection," I said. "We don't have antibiotics anymore."
"Because they don't work!" she said. I could tell that she was starting to get worked up now. It would only be a small matter of time before she went rushing off to find him. I held on to her hand tighter, not wanting to lose her again. "The bacteria are smarter than your medicines. There has to be something better, something else."
"Well, we don't have anything else," Jeb said. "He's a healthy kid. It just has to run its course."
"Run… its… course," she said, not fully understanding what he was saying.
"Eat something," I said, trying to get her to sit back down. "You'll worry him if he sees you like this."
"No," she gasped. And then she moaned, "No," again before turning around and taking off.
I clung onto her hand and said, "Wait." Jeb was right; she couldn't see him like this. It would only freak him out.
Jeb caught up with us then and shoved a roll of bread into her free hand. "Eat for the kid's sake." She grabbed it roughly and practically swallowed it whole. "Knew she was gonna overreact," he muttered.
"So why did you tell her?" I asked, a little frustrated with him. I knew he should have waited but he refused to listen to me.
"Is he in the hospital?" she asked, her voice completely emotionless.
"No, no," I said quickly, not wanting her to freak out again. "He's in your room."
She dragged me through the hallways, we were both practically running, and didn't stop until she reached her room. There were a handful of people waiting in the hallway but only Jared and Doc were in the room with Jamie. It didn't look like there had been any improvement in the last half hour. "Wanda," he said, practically whispering. "Oh, you're okay. Oh."
She fell to her knees beside him, yanking me down with her since she was holding onto my hand like a vice. She brushed her hand across his face. Her elbow touched Doc, and he scooted away from her like he was terrified of her. I knew he must be feeling a little ashamed about what she had seen, but the experiments bothered him just as much so I didn't really think he should feel guilty.
"Jamie, baby, how are you?" she asked softly.
"Stupid," he grinned, happy to see her. "Just plain stupid. Can you believe this?" He pointed to his leg. "Of all the luck."
She grabbed the wet rag off his pillow and wiped it across his forehead. "You're going to be fine," she said. Her voice was thick with determination, like she was planning on simply willing the infection away.
"Of course. It's nothing. But Jared wouldn't let me come talk to you." His voice was anxious when he said, "I heard about… and Wanda, you know I –"
"Shh," she said softly. "Don't even think about it. If I'd had any idea you were sick, I would have been here sooner."
"I'm not really sick. Just a stupid infection. I'm glad you're here, though. I hated not knowing how you were." Her face was full of guilt, but she didn't say anything. "So I heard you schooled Wes the day we got back," he grinned widely. "Man, I wish I could have seen that! I bet Melanie loved it."
"Yes, she did."
"She okay? Not too worried?" he asked.
"Of course she's worried," she murmured. Suddenly, she looked absolutely terrified.
"You okay?" he asked. "Wanda?"
"I'm… tired," she said, though her eyes were still wide in horror. "Jamie, I'm sorry. I'm just… out of it."
Even Jamie could see the lie on her face. "You don't look so good."
"I haven't cleaned up in a while."
"I'm fine, you know," he said. "You should go eat or something. You're pale."
"Don't worry about me," she said.
But someone had to. "I'll get you some food," I said, speaking up for the first time since we entered the room. "You hungry, kid?"
"Ah… no, not really," he said. That was strange; Jamie was always hungry. He must have been worse than I thought.
"Send someone else," Wanda said suddenly, gripping my hand tighter.
That wasn't like Wanda. She would have wanted some time alone with Jamie so she could dote on him even more. "Sure," I said. "Wes, could you get some food? Something for Jamie, too. I'm sure he'll find that appetite by the time you get back." Wes nodded and disappeared from view.
"Jamie, do you mind if I go wash my face? I feel sort of… grimy," she lied. Now I was really starting to get worried. She wouldn't lie to Jamie unless it was something important.
"Course not," he said, frowning at her.
"I'll be right back," she said as she stood up, dragging me along with her again. "I mean it this time."
I only caught a glimpse of Jamie's smile at her weak joke before she dragged me out of the room. We were hurrying through the hallways like earlier, only this time we were practically running away from her room. Instead of continuing into the main room so that she could get to the river rooms, she pulled me into a dark, deserted corridor. "Wanda, what –"
She cut me off. "I need you to help me, Ian," she said frantically.
"Whatever you need. You know that."
She put her hands on either side of my face, and I suddenly couldn't breathe. She stared into my eyes and said, "I need you to kiss me, Ian. Now. Please."
Well… I definitely wasn't expecting that. "You… what?"
"I'll explain in a minute. This isn't fair to you, but… please. Just kiss me."
I would have gladly kissed her right then and there but this didn't feel right. She hadn't made any kind of decision yet, I could tell. So why did she want me to kiss her now? "It won't upset you?" I asked. "Melanie won't bother you?"
"Ian! Please!" I was still incredibly confused but I couldn't pass this up. I put my hands on her waist and pulled her as close as she could get. Then I leaned towards her and pressed my lips against hers gently before pulling back to look at her. I hoped that was enough for her. Honestly, I was a little too worried about her sanity to do anything more right now. She sighed in frustration and said, "No, Ian. Really kiss me. Like… like you're trying to get slapped. Do you understand?"
"No," I said. I didn't want to do anything until I knew what was going on. "What's wrong? Tell me first."
She put her arms around my neck and pulled my face down to hers. Her lips were forceful on mine as she used them to part my lips. I tried to resist her, but then she bit down on my lower lip and I lost all control. My right hand grabbed onto her hair, holding her head in place, while the other one gripped the small of her back. She was as close as she could possibly get, I could feel every inch of her pressed against me, and still I wanted her closer. We were both gasping for breath as our lips moved together, and I maneuvered us so that I had her up against the wall. But then she simply stopped. Her arms went limp and her lips stopped moving. Honestly, I had been expecting this to happen. None of it made any sense to me, and frankly, I didn't really appreciate her using me like this, no matter how much I enjoyed it.
She dropped her arms, and I took a deep breath. Once I had calmed down enough, I put my hands on her shoulders and said, "Explain."
"She's not here," she whispered, still gasping. A part of me felt a little bit smug about that. "I can't find her. Not even now."
"Melanie?" I asked. It was all starting to come together now. She had lost Melanie, and she thought kissing me would anger her enough to bring her back.
"I can't hear her! Ian, how can I go back in to Jamie? He'll know that I'm lying! How can I tell him that I've lost his sister now? Ian, he's sick! I can't tell him that! I'll upset him, make it harder for him to get well. I –"
I put my fingers against her lips to stop her before she got really worked up. "Shh, shh. Okay. Let's think about this. When was the last time you heard her?"
"Oh, Ian!" she said, sounding like she was on the verge of tears. "It was right after I saw… in the hospital. And she tried to defend them… and I screamed at her… and I – I made her go away! And I haven't heard her since. I can't find her!"
"Shh," I said again, trying to calm her down. I didn't see why that was such a problem. It was sad that Melanie was gone, but frankly, I'd prefer it if it was just Wanda in there. It would solve so many problems. "Calmly. Okay. Now, what do you really want? I know you don't want to upset Jamie, but he's going to be fine regardless. So, consider – would it be better for you, if –"
"No!" she yelled. "I can't erase Melanie! I can't! That would be wrong! That would make me a monster, too!"
"Okay, okay!" I said. I could see her point, but I still thought it would be better if Melanie disappeared. It's not like we were ever going to be able to take Wanda out of there. And Wanda couldn't stay like this, stuck in between Melanie and Jared and me, it wasn't fair to her. Besides, Wanda hadn't meant to erase her so it's not like anyone could hold it against her, although I didn't think that would stop Jared from blaming her. "Okay. Shh. So we have to find her?" She nodded and I knew I would have to do something that I definitely wasn't going to like. "Then you need to… really be overwhelmed, don't you?"
"I don't know what you mean," she said slowly. But I knew that she did. Melanie came out when Wanda was distracted or overwhelmed by emotion, and I couldn't do that for her. Only Jared could.
"I'll be right back," I said. "Stay here." I pressed her against the wall for emphasis. I knew what I had to do, even though I was going to hate every minute of it.
I found Jared in his room. "Jared, can I speak to you out in the hallway?" I asked through clenched teeth.
He looked completely alarmed by my expression. He got up and followed me out of the room. "What's wrong?" he asked.
"There's been a bit of a… problem… with Wanda," I said. I started walking towards the corridor where Wanda was waiting, hoping he would simply follow me there.
"Why? What's wrong? Where is she?" he asked frantically, falling into step with me.
"She's fine," I said. "She just needs one small favor."
"What is it?" he asked curiously.
"You just have to… kiss her," I said, trying to speak calmly.
He stopped walking. "What?" he said, his voice flat and emotionless. "What the hell are you talking about, Ian?"
I grabbed his shoulder and started to pull him forward. He struggled against my hold but I managed to drag him there. "Wanda will explain everything. Just think of it as… an experiment."
"Are you crazy?" Jared asked, sounding very angry even though he wasn't struggling as much now. "Is this some sick joke?"
I wished it was. I wished there was any way I could help Wanda get what she wanted without having to do this. But I couldn't. "Through here," I said, pushing him towards Wanda. She was still leaning against the rock wall of the hallway, looking absolutely mortified.
"Wanda, what's this about?" he asked, completely confused.
She glared at me in reproach. Then she turned to Jared and whispered, "I lost Melanie." I backed out of the hallway quietly then. I couldn't watch him overwhelm her in ways that I wasn't able to. I could feel the jealousy again, burning up every cell in my body and the thought of where Jared's hands probably were at that moment made me want to rip them off. But I couldn't really blame him for this; he was only doing whatever he could to keep the woman he loved around. I took a deep breath to calm myself down, although it didn't really help all that much, and I went back to Jamie's room so that I'd be there when they were done looking for Melanie.
