Disclaimer: I don't own.
Author's Note: As always, thanks SO much for reading and reviewing! I hope you're enjoying this story! You guys are awesome!
Warning: Language. Sheesh, Hyde. :)
For Her Sake
Chapter 12 – Like Hell
Not Sure it Bothers Me
Fez and Jackie's apartment
"Fez, why are you pouting? You had a great time in Chicago. You even hooked up with a chick!" Kelso leaned closer to Fez on the couch and snatched the photo strip out of his buddy's hand. He looked at it and grinned. "And she's hot, too!"
Fez smiled. "Yes, she is." His smile faded, and he took the strip back from Kelso. "Are you sure this is a good idea?"
Kelso nodded. "Yeah. Jackie's a jealous girl, Fez. She sees that you can get a hotter girl than her, she'll come around." He looked at Fez, who was frowning and staring at the pictures. "That's what you want, right?"
Fez tossed the picture strip onto the coffee table and sank back against the comfy couch. His head ached. He'd been thinking about this all day, the entire drive home from Chicago. Luckily, Kelso had kept himself distracted by screeching along with the radio. Not so luckily, Fez hadn't come to a conclusion. "It's just that Jackie isn't the girl I thought she was. I though she was going to be easy." He smirked at Kelso. "In more ways than one." His smirk disappeared. "And she isn't. She won't let me do it with her, and now she wants to go to college." He shook his head. "I was expecting her to be shallow and easily pleased with presents and compliments." He looked at Kelso. "Like she was when she was with you."
Kelso nodded and leaned back, putting his hands behind his head and grinning proudly. "Yeah, Jackie was a simple girl when she was with me." He frowned. "Then she hooked up with Hyde and got all complicated and stuff. Yeah, I didn't like her as much after that."
Fez stared at Kelso. "You tried to steal her from Hyde. More than once!"
Kelso shrugged. "That was before I realized she was so complicated and stuff, Fez! Jeez!"
Fez nodded thoughtfully, rubbing his chin. "It is true that Hyde changed her. It's all his fault that she's not just a beautiful goddess." His shoulders slumped. "I really care for Jackie, but I'm not sure that I'm ready for all this…stuff. I mean, I like our life just the way it is. She wants all sorts of change. A better job, a better apartment, a better education. Someone to believe in her." He rolled his eyes. "Plus…" He trailed off.
Kelso busied himself trying to make a spider with his fingers the way Brooke had with Betsy. "Plus what, man? You gotta tell me, 'cause I'm no good at math."
Fez rolled his eyes. "Plus I don't think she's over Hyde."
Kelso nodded. "Yeah, I'd guess no." He felt Fez's glare, and he shrugged, looking at his buddy. "Sorry, man, but it's just that lately, they're getting along, and she's looking at him all…weird and stuff." He frowned and his hands folded into fists. "Like she did when she and Hyde hooked up." He rolled his eyes. "And when she picked him instead of me."
Fez twisted his mouth. He felt oddly relieved; he hadn't been the only one who'd seen it. Noticed it. Even more odd, he felt fine. Not betrayed, not upset, not mad, not…really, not anything except maybe a bit…relieved. "You know what, Kelso?"
"Hmm."
He took a deep breath. An ounce of sadness stuttered in his stomach, and part of him regretted what he was going to say, regretted the fact that he meant what he was going to say. Jackie had been his ideal woman for so long. Until now. Now she was mean and no fun, who wouldn't satisfy his needs, and who wanted more than he could and wanted to offer. He'd had more fun in Chicago with Carrie, a girl he'd just met, than he'd had with Jackie in quite awhile. "I'm not sure it bothers me."
Funny how saying it out loud made him feel better.
Now all he had to do was figure out what it meant.
Too Much to Deal With
Hyde's bedroom
Jackie tried to breathe, tried not to become teary-eyed yet again. But the way Steven was looking down at her, while he was still lingering inside her, made both nearly impossible. He kissed her softly, his nose caressing hers, and she could only think one thing. "You lied," she whispered when his lips released hers.
Hyde furrowed his brow, his stomach clenching like steely fists. "What?" But she smiled, and that confused him. "Jackie, when did I lie?"
She brought her hand to his cheek. It was stubbly; she loved that. He was such a man…such an incredible man, despite all his flaws. "When you said that Sam was the only girl you loved." She lifted her chin and kissed his briefly. "You lied." Her flooded eyes overflowed. "You loved me." He could never have done what he'd just done to her, so much more than having sex with her, if he hadn't loved her…if he didn't still love her.
He stared at her, his stomach tearing, his heart shredding. Here was the opening; here was the perfect way to make sure she hated him forever. Just tell her he didn't love her, never had, only wanted a little sex.
But her smile…her low, knowing voice…those shining eyes….the soft, warm touch….
He couldn't.
He also couldn't tell her the truth. The truth would keep hope in her, keep hope in him. And so he lowered his head and buried his face in the side of her neck. The heat behind his eyes threatened, and he winced as hard as he could. Wouldn't cry. Couldn't cry. Not even over her.
At least not while she was still here.
Jackie held him, and was startled when his body began to shake. "Steven? Are you cold?" She struggled, but managed to reach the blankets curled around his thighs, and she pulled them over him. "That better?" His answer was a short string of muffled words that sounded to her like "I love you, Jackie", and her heart stopped beating. She gripped his back, wanted to ask him to repeat himself. She didn't. She was afraid to. She smiled, tears still slowly dropping. He did love her. She could feel it, even if she wasn't' completely sure that's what he'd said.
After a while, after talking himself into it, after hearing Jack's voice over and over, Hyde rolled off of Jackie and off the cot. He turned his back to her, and gathered his clothes. He put his sweats on, swallowing the bile that had gathered in his throat. It burned. And the burning didn't end there; it descended to his chest, then lower to his stomach.
"Steven?"
He put his shirt on and took a breath. Had to do this. He HAD to do this. For her own good. Maybe someday he'd be able to explain to her….maybe. Maybe not. Slowly, he turned around. She sat up, the covers pulled to her chest, her hair messy, her cheeks flushed, and her lips swollen. Wide eyes. Doe eyes. Caught in the headlights of an oncoming car driven by a man with one dark purpose. He took another breath. Shallow. No good. "You…Jackie, you can't…you can't tell anyone about this." He looked down at the floor. Grey cement. And Lord how he wished he was buried underneath it. "And it can't ever happen again."
An abrupt chill blanketed her, and she couldn't look away from him. His head was lowered, his eyes away from hers. "Steven, what?" she said softly. Her head shook, though she hardly felt it. "I…I mean, I know that we can't just get back together." Her stomach was sinking. Her heart…was it even there? Was she still sitting on the cot? Everything was getting blurry, foggy; she had no idea where she was. All she knew was fear, blinding and cold as a mid-winter blizzard. "I thought we could just…date. Take it…" He turned from her, and her voice broke. "Slow."
He walked over to the other side of the room and stood looking into the junk that lined the wall. "We can't. I've got too much going on to deal with you." He winced again. "And the thing is that I really don't want to deal with you, or be with you, so…"
Lie. Such a damn lie!
She nodded as the tears started. She lowered her head and stayed still. Sad thing was that she wasn't all that surprised. This was the Steven she was used to. This was the Steven she'd known for the past seven months. The tender one, the playful one she'd spent the night with…he wasn't real, much as she wanted him to be. Much as she thought he actually wanted to be. With a sob she tried but failed to suppress, she threw the covers off of her and stood up. Her knees nearly gave out on her, but she managed to stay on her feet.
Should have known better. Should have known he was just using her. Should have known….should have fucking known.
She grabbed for her discarded clothing, again hardly able to breathe, but this time because of the wracking sobs pulsating through her body.
Damn him! Damn him to hell!
Hyde turned around, though he told himself not to, and watched her. Her body moved clumsily; she had to try four times to get her left leg into her jeans. "Jackie," he whispered, his chest now hollow with ache. She was crying so hard. She dropped the blouse, and he lurched forward, picked it up and held it out to her, wishing he could just grab her and pull her to him. She didn't look at him, just snatched it out of his hands.
Oh god…no…no…I can't do this again…I can't do this again…not to her…god, I don't think I can live with this…not this time…not without her…
She didn't bother putting her shoes on, just picked them up. For some reason, as she brushed past him, he reached out and caught her tiny wrist. "Jackie…"
She tore her arm away, though the pain, the near moan in his voice confused her. And when she looked at him, the agony on his face stabbed at her heart. Something isn't right. This is…but why is he doing it? She ignored her damned wishful mind, always searching for a way to make excuses. She stormed to the door and pulled it open, but stopped, breathing hard.
Hyde stared at her. She didn't turn.
"I hate you, Ste…Hyde." So soft, such gently spoken words, without a trace of the emotion they described.
And because of that, Hyde shivered.
He wasn't sure if she'd hiccoughed, or had purposely cut of his first name, replacing it with his much more distant last name. She hadn't called him that in so long…not even these past few months.
This time it was even worse.
He closed his eyes. Jack Burkhart. Mother fucker who didn't care about his daughter. Asshole who threatened his daughter's life.
And the bastard who was forcing him to give up the only girl he'd ever felt this way about. The only girl whom he'd ever considered loving. Ever allowed himself to love. Ever enjoyed loving.
Now he was angry. His face, his skin all over his body, burned. Some capitalist pig was telling him what to do. Trying to control him, trying to control Jackie, whom he'd never expressed any real love to.
Jackie. Jackie, Jackie, Jackie, Jackie.
His eyes closed. I can't do this again.
His fists balled. I want her so much.
He grimaced. She loves me. No one else will ever love me that way.
Like hell. Like fucking hell was he going to let Jack get his way. And for the first time in so long, all of what Jack had done, what he said, his threats, they didn't matter. Didn't even register.
Jackie. Jackie. JACKIE!
He ran out of the room, into the basement, out the downstairs door and up the stairs.
Like bloody hell.
Must Be Over
Sammy sat in his car, staring at the house he'd been assigned surveillance on. Nothing had happened since the curly haired kid had looked out the window, and he was getting bored. He rolled his eyes and turned up the radio, grinning. "Ahhh, Frankie." He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel and began to sing along. "Those fingers in my hair. That sly come hither stare. That strips my conscious bare. It's witchcraft."
Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a person exiting the house. He looked, and it was the girl. Pretty thing, gorgeous thing, but her face was streaked with tears, her shoulders slumped in defeat.
He smiled and patted his gun. The boss would be happy. Must be over. The kid had done as ordered.
"And I've got no defense for it. The heat it too intense…for…it…." He frowned. "Oh no, kid…"
The kid had come running out, had grabbed the pretty thing's arm and turned her around to him.
Sammy groaned and lowered his head to the wheel.
"Stupid, stupid, stupid kid."
Be With You, Date, Whatever
"Let go of me, Steven!" She tried, did whatever she could, squirmed left and right, but he was stronger. Always stronger. And she was tired. His arms wrapped around her waist from behind, and she slumped into him. The tears, the pain, no, the utter death she'd felt seeping into her bones as she'd fled the Forman house had sapped all her adrenaline, energy. "Steven…" Her shoes and purse fell to the ground.
"Shhh," he whispered. His heart was pounding; hers was too, through her back and against his. He glanced over at the black car across the street, and smirked at the guy who was shaking his head. He turned back to Jackie; he'd worry about the consequences later. "I didn't mean it, Jackie." He kissed the top of her ear and nuzzled his nose into her sweet hair. "I didn't mean it."
She swallowed hard. He was wrapped around her, warm, strong, his voice persistent and tinged with honesty. That soft and low voice he always used at his weakest, at his most open. But there was only one way to really know. To really know. She had to see his eyes. She managed to pry herself out of the embrace, and turned to him, keeping a bit of distance between them by holding her hands up to stop any approach. She frantically wiped tears from her cheeks, then looked up at him.
His eyes met hers. Dead on. Straight and deep. Not like in the basement when he couldn't look at her. Even before, during their break ups, he'd always been able to look at her. This time he hadn't. And it had to mean something.
She licked her painfully dry lips. "So…" She cleared her throat. "What did you mean, then?"
She wanted desperately to believe he'd meant something else…meant to say something else…wanted something else. And though her head was screaming at her, recalling all those horrible moments when he'd broken her heart, she ignored it. What did her head know? Her head had told her to hook up with Fez. Her head sometimes wasn't very smart. She didn't like her head. Except for the fact that she had such a gorgeous face and glorious hair.
He took a small step towards her, relieved when she didn't step away from him, and forced himself to ignore the car he could still see in his peripheral vision. Fuck that guy. Fuck Jack. "I wanna be with you. Date. Whatever." He took a deep breath. Had to pull out all the stops if he wanted her to believe him. And so he took her hand, lifted it to his lips, and kissed it, lingering, repeating the kiss a few dozen, soft times.
She trembled at his kiss, the unexpected pleasure darting to her core. She squirmed, now was not the time to be getting turned on. But the look in his eyes, the sweet sky blue of them clear and honest, trapped her breath in her chest. She believed him, and she smiled. For a moment.
He chuckled when she began swatting at him with those tiny hands of hers.
"Then why did you say what you said, Steven? God, you made me ruin my makeup!" She tried not to smile, tried not to show her relief, tried to look stern.
He caught her hands and pressed them to his chest. "Hate to tell you, babe, but your make up was ruined long before that." She glared at him, and his smirk fell. "I…I just…I panicked." Not a lie.
She arched an eyebrow. "Why? Are you…" She gasped, in that special Jackie way, and put a hand over her own heart. Her eyes lit up. "Are you scared of me? Scared of how I make you feel?"
He didn't smile, just stared at her. "Yeah. I'm…scared."
Not a lie, not entirely the truth. Yeah, she scared him. The passion he felt for her, the soft feelings he had for her, it all scared him. But he was scared for another reason. He knew the car was still there, knew the guy was watching them, knew the guy was going to report all of this to Jack.
Knew he was risking her life.
"Oh, Steven!"
She threw herself into his arms, and he choked back the nausea. It was worth it. And somehow, he'd keep her safe. He would. It's not like she was ever alone, anyway, and Jack wouldn't do anything to her with any witnesses. He wasn't that dumb. He nodded to himself. It would be fine. And maybe he'd even go have a talk, man to man, with Jack. Maybe Jack, by some miracle, could be reasoned with. He pressed a kiss to the side of her head. "Come on, Kitten. Let's go inside."
The chill up and down his spine…they had to go inside.
She drew back, a nervous and uncertain gleam in her eyes. "Wait, you're not just taking me back downstairs to have sex and then dump me again, are you?"
He grinned and patted her ass. God, her ass was fine. "No. Well, I'm taking you downstairs to have sex, but…" He pulled her close to him. The biggest gun of them all. And something he meant. Something these past months had taught him that he'd always feel, always mean. He stared into her eyes, shining with tiny rays of the sun above. "I love you."
She squealed and again plastered herself to him. With a chuckle, he picked her up and put her over his shoulder.
"Steeeeeven!" Jackie laughed hysterically, seriously high from the gamut of emotions she'd just run. And knowing that this was right…this was really what he wanted, and definitely what she wanted.
He smacked her backside again. "Shut your piehole!"
"My shoes! And my purse!"
"Later."
As he walked her back to the stairway to the basement, he glanced over at the car. The guy was still looking at him. He lifted his free hand and gave the guy the bird.
Yeah.
Like hell was he going to be without his kitten.
