Chapter Three
Who are you?
A dark haze took over any light around me, my body felt limp and heavy I tried to make sense of my surroundings but I failed. My mind filtered to whatever memory I could grasp, I recalled Michiru telling me she was going to her gala with a hired escort, I remember a few more shots then really needed at the bar, calling a cab, and then it gets fuzzy.
'Sir, wake up.' I can hear, I move my body and try to open my eyes but the protest against me is too great. 'She's a girl.' I hear next followed by laughing and what sounds like a fight. 'Miss, are you alright? David grab the stretcher, she's got some broken bones a concussion and this laceration above her eyebrow will need stitches.' My body is moved from the nice hard ground to what I assume is the stretcher. 'What about her?' a new voice asks.
'Wait for the coroner.' The answer comes and the evening floods back into my mind.
I had gotten to the bar after speeding around the city, it was quiet I unbuttoned my shirt a little and ordered the first of many rounds, as I left the bar in a haze of good liquor I noticed a girl being harassed by some boys. She couldn't have been more then fifteen, they were screaming at her, pushing her around. I stepped in, grabbing her by the wrist and pulling her free. I felt the fist of one of the boys against my temple, but it didn't do much against me. I tossed the girl away from the fight and turned back to face the boy my cell phone out dialled to the police. 'Break it up.' I slur trying to sound more sober then I was. The boy before me begins to laugh as another grabs something large, swinging it at me. 'Run.' I scream to the girl, but my request is met with the large object smacking against my chest, then my head. 'She's a chick.' I catch, followed by statements against the young girl. 'Dyke, Fag, Queer.' They shout and I hear the ripping of cloth and the clear screams of the girl. 'Stab her quick then finish this one.' A new voice says, I can hear the sirens in the distance and I silently pray they hurry. Piercing sharp pain shoots across my forehead and the distinct sound of a body hitting the pavement is followed with screams of passer byes.
...
'Being gay does not define who you are as a person.' I say standing at the front of the class room. 'Eight months ago a hate crime took the life of Leslie Grey, she was a student at this school. She was head of the drama club, an A student, she was a friend and she was a lesbian.'
'Miss Tenoh.' A girl at the back of the room raised her hand.
'Yes Rachel.' I nod.
'What are you office hours again.' The girl asked, a glow of red touching her face. 'I mean you know for the students who need it.'
'My office is open at 0730 and it closes at 1600 but you all have my pager and I promise to return any call, any time of day or night.' I smile letting my eyes cast around the room. I had started at the school as the councillor three weeks after Leslie's murder, the students felt comfortable talking to me about her death and the school was desperate for a new set of ears. Michiru didn't seem to pleased but with her hours and her choices lately I really didn't care. I dropped my pager on the kitchen counter and made my way to the fridge, realizing it was bare I cursed Michiru, then myself realizing that somehow in the last eight months I had gone from living with my wife to nearly living alone. When we were home together, we were either fighting or sleeping. Slowly I pulled my jacket back on, grabbing my pager and heading for the door, running smack into the tiny frame that was my wife.
'Sorry.' she muttered not even looking up.
'My fault.' I reply staring over her. 'We're out of just about everything so I'm going to get some groceries.' I explain she says nothing and I take my leave, a year ago this type of conversation would have broken my heart, today I'm immune to it.
I stop at the grocery store and pick up the items we need, adding a few of the things I know Michiru still eats, when she does eat. I pay the cashier and head back to the car, my pagers softly buzzing on my hip. I close the doors to my ride and lock them, pulling my cell phone from my jacket pocket I dial the distressed teen. It's a male, probably a junior he's high I can tell by the tone of his voice but he's also scared. 'This is Haruka, did you need help?' I say letting him be the one to open up.
'I'm going to kill myself and you can't stop me.' the reply comes and my heart feels something again. My usual sense of self takes over and the answer to the wanting child is a cold one. 'Alright. So kill yourself, why should I care?'
'You're the councillor, you're supposed to fix me.' the boy says now angry.
'No I can help you if you want help. But calling to tell me you've already decided to take way to much LSD and now you're going to kill yourself is more of a courtesy call. Now I know which student's locker to clean out tomorrow.'
'You don't know who this is.'
'Really Daniel, I don't?' I challenge hoping to be right. Hoping the scared youth that lead the pack of boys who attacked me and killed Leslie would own up to his name.
'Fuck you Tenoh.' he says and I can hear him breaking down.
'Ok.' I reply. 'Then what.'
'I didn't mean for her to die.' he says slowly each word on it's own.
'But. She did.'
'I know.'
'Daniel, you're not actually going to kill yourself are you?'
'No.' he says now sobbing.
'Good.'
'Thank you Haruka.'
'I'll see you in my office in the morning.' I say flipping my phone closed and closing my eyes. I sit a moment before starting the car and heading home, Michiru is sitting in the kitchen with a warm cup of tea.
'What took so long?' she asks, her tone is innocent but I still manage to take offence.
'Work.' I answer her coolly removing items from the bags and placing them in their place.
'Ah, of course.' she says to me 'Haruka.' she starts I stop what I'm doing to look at her inwardly hoping she says the right words that could fix the mess we managed to get ourselves into.
'Yes.' she looks like she's fighting to say something, like it's brimming to explode from her, but her tired eyes push it away and she turns from me saying a quick 'good night.'
Every part of me begs to rush to her and take her into my arms, kissing away all of the last year but I don't, I pull a face and continue to unpack the food.
After a quick salad I head for the bedroom still unsure as I climb into bed why I sleep next to her cold body. I place my pager on the bedside and set my alarm, flicking the light off I begin to drift off to sleep my mind wandering back to days when we would never dream of going to bed mad, where each day was ended with soft butterfly kisses and warm sultry love making. My lips haven't touched hers in almost a year, I muse over this for a moment before the soft buzzing of plastic against cheap wood causes me to wake. I grab my pager and head out of the room, Michiru's eyes looked on me.
'This is Haruka.' I say after carefully dialling the number into my mobile phone.
'I, need.' the voice breaks, I recognize it the second I hear it.
'Rachel, what is it?' my concern is overwhelming. Rachel Dawson is typically considered one of the more grounded students. She gets excellent grades, she's not involved in much school drama and as far as I could tell her family life seemed pretty low key.
'I need your help.' she started slowly. I placed the phone tighter to my ear still trying to be quiet.
'What can I do Rachel.'
'I can't do it anymore Haruka, and I'm not sure I can solve this over the phone.' she says I can hear she's crying and my heart breaks a little.
'Tell me where I can meet you?' I reply.
'The Tim Hortons on 16th.' I nod to her comment, it's not far.
'Alright twenty minutes.' my comment is met with the sound of dead air, I hang the phone up and head to my room for some clothes, careful to be quiet. Surreptitiously I leave the lights off grabbing some of my clothes and heading for the door.
'Where are you going?' Michiru's voice sounds raspy with sleep.
'Student emergency.' I reply.
'Isn't it always.' she groans and before she can continue I have one foot in my pants and I'm attempting to walk down the hall. I slip into a jacket leaving my night shirt on. I decide since it's close I'll run, rather then drive and when I arrive at the coffee shop Rachel is already sitting by the window, hot coffee in hand.
'I'm sorry to drag you out here Haruka, but I don't know what to do.' Rachel said as I made my way to the table.
'It's alright.' I say taking the seat across from her. 'That is what I'm here for.'
'Can I get you a coffee?'
'Tea.' I say, she makes her way to the counter and I watch her, nothing about her screams help to me. She returns moments later with a hot tea placing it before me. 'Ok Rachel.' I say trying to coax her into speaking.
'I have a problem, a rather large one.' she started, her eyes fixed on her cup. I kept quiet waiting for her to let it out, finally after a few moments she sighs and starts. 'Well I'm, I guess, gay.' she says. 'But I'm not really sure if I am. Because I still find some boys attractive. But I've been seeing this girl, oh you don't know her she goes to another school. But I've been seeing her and then a few weeks ago.' she stops, I look at her and stay quiet. She needs to get this out. 'A few weeks ago I was at my parents cabin and I met a boy, some stuff happened and now I think I'm pregnant.' she says finally. 'I have no idea what to do. If my girlfriend finds out she'll leave me and if my parents find out they'll kill me, if they find out I'm seeing a girl they'll kill me.' She lets her head fall into her hands against the table.
'There are options Rachel, this isn't a lost cause.' I say slowly. 'First you need to confirm if you are indeed pregnant. Then you need to decide what you want to do. If you want to keep the baby, I can help you tell your parents and your girlfriend. People who truly love you won't judge your mistakes they will only love you in spite of them.' Even as I said the words I felt like a hypocrite. She smiled at me, the tears that had formed on her face were wiped away by shaky hands.
'Thank you Haruka.' she said sincerely.
Dawn was breaking when I finally returned home, thankful that it was Saturday. I kicked out of my pants and pulled the blankets back letting my body slide into the bed hopeful not to wake Michiru. Succeeding I closed my eyes and drifted into sleep. What felt like seconds later the soft voice of my wife called to me.
'Haruka?'
'Mm' I managed, eyes still closed.
'What time did you get in?'
'Five.' I mutter turning away from the voice.
'Where were you until five?' she asks.
'Student.' I reply continuing to mutter, still trying to sleep through the conversation.
'Do you think it's wise to spend you're night with your students.' she shoots at me. My eyes spring open.
'What?' I demand, tossing the blankets off my body and stepping over to her. I'm fully awake now and angry.
'I mean how does it look, that you come home at five after spending the night with one of your students. People aren't blind Haruka they'll talk.' her tone is flat and accusing every part of me wants to shake her, to take her by the arms and demand that she open her deep blue eyes and see what she's done to us. Instead I step away from her, my hands threading through my hair to rest behind my head. My eyes closed.
'How does it look when you deny my very existence?' I begin, knowing the words I'm about to say to her will cut her deeply. 'how does it look when you lie to me, to your professors to your students and to the world. You stand there accepting awards for being the founder of Canadian modern violin with Blake Ryan on your arm and you lie to the faces of the people who respect you. You've sold out to their version Michiru. How does that look?' I don't wait for her to reply, I merely walk away from her going into the spare bedroom and closing the door. I sat on the bed waiting, hoping secretly she would knock on the door, or better just come in. But she doesn't. Instead I hear the front door close and I crawl into the bed, making myself at home and falling back into the sleep I so crave.
