Chapter four

Where to?

My heart is racing and my mouth is burning, I had nearly forgotten what it was like to be kissed. I could tell this kiss was different; my body didn't react, there was no warmth filling my pelvis there was no yearning in my response. Slowly a warm tongue pushes against my closed lips and I find the need to end the embrace. 'Blake.' I say my hands against his chest. 'No.'

'Oh come on Michiru, we've been playing this game for months.' He says to me his arms still firmly placed around my middle, his hands clasped behind me. His mouth is inches from mine.

'I said. No.' I push myself away from him taking a step back as I do. I feel the coolness of being out of his embrace and it's a welcome cool. 'I told you before Blake this is a business arrangement nothing more.'

'Right, I'm just supposed to stay your arm candy. What do I get out of this?' he demands, again closing the space between us. 'I know you want me. I can feel it.'

'You get paid.' I say taking another step back. 'And I don't want you.' He makes a face and drops his arms to his sides with an exasperated sigh. 'I'm sorry Blake. I thought we were clear.'

'You thought that did you?'

'I did.'

'Oh, right.' He started. 'That boyfriend of yours that lives abroad, but strangely doesn't care that you live with a flaming lesbian.' My face drops at his comment. 'Oh come on Michi, everyone can see she's gay.'

'The sexual orientation of my roommate is none of your concern.' I say almost too defensively. He's next to me again, his hand caressing my spine as the other takes my wrist.

'Michiru.' he starts his tone softer.

'I said no.' I step away from him for the last time, heading for the door and closing it behind me. I slowly sink to the floor of my office the lights are out, my face comes to rest in my lap. What am I doing?

...

Three hours later I'm making my way into my home. My body is weak and tired. I notice things are different around but it takes me a while to notice I'm not alone tonight. Usually when I return home Haruka is off to some child counselling event and I'm alone for dinner. Tonight she's cooking.

'You're home.' I mutter setting my bag next to the door and wandering into the dining room.

'Yeah.' she says not even looking at me. There are two places set at the table. I take the one I held before our distancing.

'You're cooking.' I state the obvious.

'I am.' she says back grabbing a bottle of wine and pouring some into my glass. I look at her a little confused before I pick up the glass and take a long draft. I watch her in the kitchen, interested in how I could have missed the addition of her ability to cook and manoeuvre. She looks at home. She's humming something I don't recognize. I admire her as she works, the swift movements of her hips as she closes the oven or grabs something from the counter. The mechanical shifts of her weight from left to right as she relocates the food from the pans to the plates. Soon a beautifully decorated plate is before me, chicken and greens next to spring rice are steaming, she sits across from me.

'Michiru, we need to talk.' she says picking up her fork and digging into her chicken. I look at her, then to my food. My stomach growls so I follow her lead, my face turned down in confusion, fear and anticipation. I stay quiet as I raise the fork to my mouth letting the perfectly cooked meat melt into my mouth. 'Michiru.' she says to me I let my eyes slowly raise to meet hers. I had forgotten how beautiful she was, even in her masculine way. 'How was your day?'

'Fine.' I say after swallowing. 'You?'

'Good.' she replied shortly. The harsh realization that we no longer have anything to talk about hits me hard, just as it must have done her. 'I heard your latest piece, it's pretty.' she offers sticking another fork full into her mouth.

'Thank you. I'm glad you like it.' I answer following her. The conversation dies from there, and we sit like two strangers eating our delicious meal. Once my plate is empty she takes it and places it in the sink, I take another sip from my wine glass letting my eyes fall closed. I can sense her close to me but the sudden feel of her hands on my shoulders startles me a moment. She is working the tension placed between the blades of my shoulders the second I accepted the job at the college. She massages the muscles as I relax into her hands. I missed her touch, my body begins to react to her in the way it always did. My nipples perking, my pelvis swelling. I moan softly as the tension is replaced with want. Her lips brush against my temple gently finding their way down my cheek to rest against my own. I part my pout for her tongues entry turning in the chair to meet her, my hands raising to grasp her hips wanting them closer to me. Wanting her closer to me. Her hands are still around my neck as she kisses me deeply. My hands are caressing down her hips and back up again, coming to rest against the swell of her breast, unsure if I can make the move to cup her. Haruka takes my hand away from her body, only to pull me off the chair and lead me to the bedroom. She helps me to the bed, our lips still connected her hands dropping mine to take over unbuttoning my shirt. I follow her lead again, letting my fingers trace the lining of her shirt before I start to unbutton each of the threads. My shirt is on the floor before I know it the cool breeze of the room coupled with the heat of my want causes me to shiver against her. She holds me closer our lips parting, her eyes melting into mine. 'I miss you.' she says to me in the raspiest tone I'd ever heard her use. My knees go weak and I land on the bed, pulling her over me. Her shirt is still in place though unbuttoned, I trail my fingertips over the softness of her breast peaking out above the cusp of her bra, her lips capture mine again.

...

Early morning light effuses over my body causing me to stir, my bed is full this morning and I could be no happier. I stare at Haruka for the few moments I have before her alarm will go off. I remember the way things were before, how she would laugh. How she made me feel like the only woman in the world. How I have ruined that. The turbulent sound of her alarm pulls her from sleep and me from my thoughts. She rolls over me, our eyes again locking. Hers are sad, and mine I assume match. 'Morning.' she says in nearly a whisper.

'Hi.' I reply the same.

'We need to talk I think.'

'Can't we just forget, forgive and move on?' I ask knowing my request is foolish and selfish. I'm in the wrong and I'm scared to face it.

'Michiru.' she says in a warning tone.

'I know.'

'I'm not happy living like this. Are you?'

'No.' I say, knowing full well it's true. I hate being as disjointed as we are.

'I want us to be a couple again. But that means changes from both of us. It means you need to accept me at your job.' the words barely leave her mouth and I'm ready for a fight.

'Haruka, you know I can't.'

'Michiru, how can you keep lying?' she asks. She's not yelling but her words hit me like missiles.

'I'm not lying, I'm merely keeping my personal life away from my public one. Can't you understand that? You did the same thing keeping your gender a secret in Japan.' I'm going for the real hurt now and I know it. 'I let you live you dream Haruka, I stood by letting the world think you were a male, letting everyone think we were a normal couple while my friends and family wondered when I changed my mind.'

'Michiru, I was honest with my staff. I was honest with the people who mattered. I may have left the details out of the public eye but I never out right said 'I'm Male.'' She has a point.

'Haruka, I know this isn't what we talked about. This isn't the life we planned to lead. But I'm following my dream. If you loved me as much as you say you do, you'd support me.' Even as I say the words I feel horrible about them. I want to take them all back and just fall into her arms again. Kissing and loving the way it was.

'You're right Michiru, this isn't the life we planned.' she leaves the room after the last word is dropped from her mouth. She closes the door to the bathroom and I hear the shower start. I cover my body with a sheet and wander to the window assessing the clear blue sky that surrounds us, wondering when the ocean stopped meeting the wind. I stare at the sky until I hear the shower turn off. I turn my attention back to the blonde as she emerges from the bathroom towel clad, hair dripping. 'What time is your event tonight?' she says.

'Seven.'

'And Blake is your date again.'

'He is.'

'Home at eleven?'

'No, later.' I reply wondering where this is really going.

'Fine we'll finish this tomorrow.' She says definitively tossing the towel on the bed and stepping into her underwear. I watch her dress silently and as quiet I watch her leave unsure where she is going or how I had lost her again.

...

'Michiru you look amazing, your latest work is divine. How do you manage with such a delicious man at home?' Melissa Joyce gushes sipping her cheap wine and staring at me. I look over to where Blake is, he's staring at me so I smile. 'Just darling how the two of you are so in love.' Melissa purrs into my ear.

'Right.' I sigh downing the remainder of my champagne as I close the distance between Blake and I. My eyes locked on him. 'Can we go.' I say into his ear careful the party he's chatting with doesn't hear me.

'Yes.' he nods smiling to the random business man he'd been chatting with, slipping his arm around me and walking me to the door. Once my jacket is in place we head for the car, my head is aching and I long to be home, to sleep, to see her. Blake drives fast, not nearly as fast as Haruka would if she knew how tired I was, but fast enough. The lights are off when we arrive at my home, her car is gone.

'Mind if I come in a sec? I need the bathroom.' Blake says. I nod and he follows me.

I slip out of my jacket hanging it in the closet, setting my purse down on the table subconsciously bringing my hands to my neck I work my fingers into my flesh. My hands are replaced by the larger stronger ones of Blake. 'Michi, you're so tense.' he says moving my hair out of the way and fully attacking the tight muscles of my neck.

'I've been stressed lately.' I say letting him touch me. Not fighting back. Not knowing why.

'I can fix that.' Blake's voice is soothing as his lips crash against my neck, his hands still massaging me slowly found their way down my throat to rest on my breast. Everything in my mind screams no, yet when his mouth meets mine I don't fight. His tongue brushes gently against my lips begging for entry, my lips part without thought, granting him access. His hands softly massaged my breasts, pushing the fabric of my dress aside to expose my nipple. I don't moan against him, I don;t react as I would to Haruka. But I don't stop him. His kiss become more wanting, and although I'm kissing him back we could both feel the lack of chemistry. His hands become less gentle, pulling hard at my right nipple, still unresponsive to his touch.

'Michiru.' the sound of my name pulled me from the action. I raised my eyes to meet teal wells of pain.

'Haruka.' I heard myself say feeling Blake's touch cease. He takes a few steps back, looking me over and makes his escape slamming the door behind him. My eyes never leave Haruka.

A single tear flows down her pale white cheek, balancing on her chin before disappearing onto the navy of her blouse. I stare at the dampness it left behind, letting my eyes wander back to hers slowly. No words were exchanged. I could see her heart breaking before me, my heart already broken, my heart already frozen. Our time together flashed before me, my bitterness over our choices. All the selfish feelings I'd held at bay flowing to the surface. 'I hope you're happy.' I mutter.

'What?' she says in a harsh voice.

'You did this to yourself Haruka.' I hear myself say, part of me screaming stop the other part egging me on.

'Did I?' she demands tossing her hands through her hair.

'You pushed me here Haruka. You pushed me with your way or no way. With you demands of a different life. With your need to be the best, even better then me. And I let you, I sat back as the good little wife and I praised you. I watched you from the sidelines winning everything. I stood by as you accepted award after award quietly known as the violinist who left the music world to follow her race car boyfriend around the globe.' years of pent up aggression and repressed anger poured out of me, regret laced on each word but I continued on. 'I even stood by as you were outted as a woman, now both our lives under a microscope. I never wanted to live that lie but I did for you. My fans, my sponsors had to deal with the revelation that I was a lesbian but the focus turned to you. It always turned to you. This is my turn Haruka, and you stand there demanding me to choose between you and my dream. Well I choose my dream.'

'You never said anything.' her voice is meek, barely audible.

'I didn't want to ruin your run Haruka. It was about you then not me.' I sink to the floor, brining my knees to my chest holding them close to me. My eyes raise above my knees to watch her, I can see the internal battle she is waging and I hope for the outcome that suites me. No words are spoken as she turns on her heels, grabs her coat and heads for the door.

'Haruka.' I call trying to get up as fast as I can. I make it to the door in time to hear her car tear out of the drive way and hit the street. Tears escape me as I'm finally over come with emotion. This wasn't how it was supposed to go, she was supposed to apologize for asking me to choose, take me in her arms and make it better. Now what have I done? I ask myself as I fall to the ground, my hands covering my eyes as I cry heavy into them.