A/N: Thanks for the reviews guys! Really glad you're liking it thus far.
My, My Sasuke
By: Apherion
Chapter 3
I woke up the next morning and immediately felt like my head had been cleaved into two. I knew I shouldn't have had those last three rounds. Drinking with Kakashi was not the best idea I've had in all of my eighteen years. Considering that I had obeyed certain laws despite the ones I had broken, not an ounce of sake had passed between my lips until last night.
What was I thinking? Oh, right…
The hangover was thrumming against my skull, the inflammation in my brain feeling as though it was increasing by the second. I moaned in agony. If the intensity of the attack on my head wasn't going to kill me, the images that were flashing in my mind's eye would.
I wanted to curl into a ball and hide from my happiest memories. I wanted to go back to hating him. I wanted to go back to denying that I still loved him. I wanted to go back to the past where everything was uncomplicated in the eyes of an innocent boy, and my only worry was I'd never welcome my brother home like Shisui.
I couldn't fight the memories, and I just lay there, taking each as another blow to my already devastated heart.
There we were, his lips caressing my hipbone, dragging his tongue in a sensual line.
His welcoming embrace was waiting for me during the thunderstorm, knowing all too well how much I was afraid of that thunder.
He was there at my bed, holding me tucked in his arms, pressing his lips across tear-stained cheeks when I woke up screaming from a nightmare.
When he took me out for some shopping Mama had wanted us to do and he bought me a small, crystal bear.
Seeing the look of forgiveness on his face; I confessed to accidentally breaking the bear while he was away on another mission.
The feeling of security while he held me in his arms, falling asleep without any trouble; happy that it was me he was sharing this with, and no one else.
But there has always been 'someone else'. My brother never had just me. He had Shisui whenever, wherever he wanted him, and Shisui and I knew our places in my brother's lust. Shisui, the one he was rough with, and me, the one he was so gentle with, as if I were made of glass. We envied each other, dying for a taste of what the other had. Shisui must've known he would never have the affection as long as I could grow up.
I bolted out of my horizontal position, my head swimming from the sudden movement, throbbing from the hangover.
I stumbled out of my bed, looking right and left for the door. My feet precariously carried my weight through my bedroom door towards the kitchenette where I collapsed over the countertop. I opened the cabinets to my left, searching for the ibuprofen or aspirin. I found the latter and took two with a huge glass of water. I stuffed the thin bottle into a pocket before grabbing the apartment key and running out of the door.
Despite that I had shut it quietly; the sound that refracted in my head was of me slamming it. I hunched over from the onslaught of noise. Pain darted through my nerves; normal human speech was painful to listen to. I swear I'm not going to drink like this again.
I leaned my ear against my shoulder, blocking the other with its corresponding hand as I reached up to knock on the door. No one answered, but I tried the knob, surprised to find it open. I let myself in; I needed to speak with him after all.
"Kakashi," I called out softly in the living room area. My own voice echoed in my head, the name pounding in my head. It would be another thirty or so minutes before the aspirin would take affect.
"STOP SHOUTING," Kakashi responded loudly. My hands flew to my ears, to block out the angry assault.
"You stop shouting," I said back. I saw my ex-teacher stagger into the room, eye bloodshot and droopy. Instantly I thought of a bloodhound. His hair was scraggily, flopping in a bed-head manner, unkempt and uncombed, over his scarred eye. I barely took in that his mask was off along with his forehead protector.
"I'M NOT SHOUTING," Kakashi shot back, leaning heavily against the wall before lurching into the couch. It clicked in my head belatedly. Duh, hangover. When I saw that he was looking, I tossed the thin bottle of aspirin at him and he caught it, popping in three.
"What is it that you wanted, Sasuke?" Kakashi asked, his voice at a normal level, but he was probably barely speaking.
"I…I think I know something…about why the—my clan was killed." Kakashi nodded, leaning his head back on the sofa, getting comfortable.
"Let's hear your theory then. I've been thinking a bit myself." I smiled at that, and began to tell my thoughts.
"Well…I realized that Shisui and I were 'sharing' It—my brother." My head hurt, but not from the hangover this time. "Or rather, he was sharing himself between Shisui and me. Anyway, Shisui was the one my brother took all of his, um…sexual frustration out on, and I was the one that my brother doted on and gave affection to." Kakashi nodded in encouragement, but my chest had seized up for some reason. Swallowing became a little more difficult, and breathing became a chore.
"Well, it's possible that Shisui figured out that he was not the only one in my brother's life. He knew I was the 'someone else', and what if…he noticed that he would be cast aside once…I could…fulfill my brother's…desires?" Kakashi followed where I was getting at with this perfectly, in spite of my hesitation.
"Shisui probably made an attempt at taking your life, and that's why he was the first to go, not just because Itachi wanted the Mangekyo Sharigan." I winced at my brother's name, but Kakashi didn't seem to notice.
"The rest of the family was probably getting suspicious about the two of you, as well. I know, Sasuke, you were very careful, but Shisui probably could have been the root to the entire problem. It would be like he was the 'x' factor or the catalyst in your problem." I felt my heart wrench because one night I had overhead Papa discussing a letter with Brother. I didn't hear what the letter said though, but the next night…that happened.
I was floored to say the least. I figured that Shisui had started it, but I didn't think that he would have actually been the entire reason. I couldn't believe that our clan's death was because of one person's unrequited love.
Yes, I knew now that Shisui loved my brother. I was too young back then to discern the look of hatred our cousin had given me on several occasions. Shisui loved Brother, but he could not—or rather—would not give him up to me without a fight. A fight that I wasn't prepared for at that age and Shisui used that to his advantage. He must've been caught at his scheming and my brother stopped him immediately.
However, there wasn't a struggle. No one heard Shisui scream. No one heard the water splashing. Did Shisui love Brother enough to let him drown him for his inexcusable actions?
"Sasuke, are you all right? You're face…you're white," Kakashi interjected my thoughts with his worried question. I choked down the hysteria, but my voice was still two octaves too high.
"Yes," I piped, cutting the sound short because of my strained vocals. My heart was beating faster and my palms seemed to be overcome with sweat. I wasn't about to cry, but this information—what I had come up with, what Kakashi supplied—was too much right now. I wanted to hurt him for doing this to me, and the hurt I wanted to inflict had nothing to do with the massacre of our clan this time.
"Sasuke, would you mind if I ask you a few questions? I think it would be best as I am your only confidante." I stiffened at his words, and my lips began moving before I could stop them.
"You are not my only confidante." Each word was stated with painstaking evenness; I barely managed to speak in a monotone. Kakashi's head slowly lifted from the back of the couch to stare at me, interested in my answer.
"Oh, do you see Itachi on a regular basis?" I cringed away from the name, hating every syllable, each vowel, the very consonants that made that beautiful man's name. I think Kakashi saw how I shuddered at the mention of my brother.
"No," I whispered grudgingly, turning my face away to look at the wall. I come to his image every night; I finished the statement in my head.
"Then Sasuke, right now I am your only confidante." I wanted to protest, but I had a tight hold on my impulses. "All right, I'd like to get on with my questions, if you don't mind." Kakashi's voice had a hint of a business tone. I made no noises to indicate that I would comply with him. After all, Kakashi was agreeing to be an accomplice to a very damning relationship, whether or not it would continue.
"Sasuke, can you still only see your brother? Is he the only Uchiha that you can remember?" I nodded, not even bothering to try and remember Mama or Papa or even Shisui. Shisui would only make me angrier, so I definitely wouldn't try recalling his image in perfect focus.
"Sasuke, have you honestly tried to recollect any members of your family excluding Itachi?" I winced, my knees jerking up into my chest, my arms embracing them. I nodded as I looked at the fuzzy image of three people in the kitchen; the only one in sharp focus was my brother.
"Why do you flinch at the sound of Itachi's name?" My recoil caused me to close in on myself, to hide myself away from the name. Why did I run from the sound of it? My memory refused to let go of the introduction, and it was painful to hear it over and over again.
I was on my way home. I wasn't the shortest in my class, thankfully, but from the how the day had went, I guess I didn't look very masculine to anyone with a 'y' chromosome. Iruka-sensei had even gone so far as to say that he thought I was Ten-Ten. Why did all of the guys think I was a girl?
My first day at The Academy could have gone a lot worse though. No one tried to stuff me in a locker, and a lot of girls wanted to be my friend. There was one kid named Naruto that was friendly with me, too, but some of the others told me to stay away from him. They wouldn't give me a good reason why though, just that their parents had said to stay away from him.
I was glad my first day was over, despite all of the fun classes I had. I was tired, and I was pretty sure my big brother was supposed to be home from one of his missions. I wanted to see my brother.
I started running at the thought. If I got home faster, then that would mean I'd get a chance to hang out with my brother longer—wouldn't it? I could probably help him during his shuriken practice by picking up the shuriken for him. Yeah, I could do that!
Before I knew it, I was sprinting off towards home. However, I wasn't paying attention to where I was going when I slammed into a person walking in front of me.
I bounced off of the older boy, landing on my backside. He turned around to face me, anger in his eyes. The two boys that flanked the one I ran into glared menacingly at me. I shook with fear because these boys had to be genin or chuunin.
"Lookie here, boys, a little girl that's on her way home from school," he said mockingly. I pouted, my eyebrows pulling together in annoyance.
"I'm not a little girl!" I cried in protest, getting to my feet. The three boys looked at each other and laughed. The one that spoke to me leaned down and ruffled my hair.
"Of course you are—what little boy has long hair?" I blushed in anger.
"I am not a girl!" I screamed hotly. The boys roared with laughter at my denial. Then, the leader's fingers gripped my hair, yanking my head to one side. I cried out in pain.
"There's only one way to find out, isn't there, sweetheart?" He whispered in my ear. I didn't get to know what he meant by that, and I didn't find out. I heard my brother's voice sound behind the group.
"Get your hands off of him." The boy that had my hair in his hands let me go, pushing me away from him like I was some insect.
"And who are you, pretty boy?" One of the other boys asked my brother. I couldn't see him, but I could tell he was smiling as he spoke.
"I am Itachi Uchiha." I stood up, running to get beside my brother, longing for his presence after being frightened. The boy that had grabbed me glared at my brother. "If you ever touch my brother again, I'll see to it that you—"
"Nii-san…" I whispered, tugging on the hem of his shirt. He looked down at me with soft eyes, gently brushing my hair away from my face. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong, little brother." His voice was gentle, too, but his eyes barely flicked up at the three boys, silently telling them something.
"N-no, nothing's wrong at all. You two take care, Itachi-san." All three of the boys bowed in respect before hightailing it away from us. I was curious about their reaction, but if I asked questions about them, I would lose precious time with my brother.
"I still don't understand," Kakashi said to me, his eye gazing into mine with a burning to grasp what was so meaningful from the memory.
"It…it was the only time I heard him say…his name," I whispered, seriously feeling as though Kakashi was my psychiatrist. After all, wasn't a shrink someone you spilled all of your intimate details with because you knew they would not tell anyone about your secrets?
"And the reason why you flinch…?" Kakashi coaxed.
"No one can say his name…like he can. Everyone else just…screws it up." I was expecting Kakashi to laugh, but he didn't. He continued to stare at me, waiting for me to elaborate, but there wasn't anything to elaborate on. My brother had the most perfect voice in the world, and after hearing his name come from his lips, I deemed it only right that he should be the only one to say it.
"All right…could you see the three boys that almost molested you?" I wasn't startled that he had chosen that word. After reviewing that memory for so long, I was convinced that had Brother not shown up, that's exactly what would have happened. My eyebrows knitted together, though. I couldn't remember the three boys. My heart began to race, and I looked at Kakashi with wild eyes.
"Why can I only see him?" I asked hysterically. I could not remember one face from my childhood except those of the people I saw on a daily basis. Naruto, Choji, Shikamaru, Ino…Sakura, Neji, Hinata, Lee, Ten-Ten, Iruka-san, and a couple of other teachers—they were the only ones from his childhood that he could see. Even so, if he was in the memory somewhere, no one stood out more than he did. I could only seem him.
I wanted to run, scream, throw a tantrum, but I knew that would not get me anywhere. In the end I still wouldn't have my memories, and I still wouldn't have him. The latter thought would have sent me over the edge if I hadn't heard someone pounding on Kakashi's door.
He excused himself, and I felt abandoned and infuriatingly exposed in my weak state-of-mind. I could hear Kakashi open his door and the voice the floated in after he did so.
"Good morning, sensei," the girl said with heady tone in place. I had to strain to hear Kakashi's reply.
"Ssh, Sasuke's in the living room right now, and I'd rather him not—"
"You'd rather him not what, Kakashi-sensei," she stressed his title again. "Why can't we tell him right now?"
"This is a delicate matter, and right now, Sasuke doesn't need this to contend with his already conflicting thoughts." Kakashi sounded like he was losing his patience with the girl.
"And what thoughts might those be, hmm?" She questioned him.
"I've promised not to say, and you'd do well to forget about them, as well…chan," he sounded as though he was threatening her then, stressing her title like she had done his, but I missed her name.
"Fine, I'm not like some people who can't let things drop. Call me when I can come over. I've missed you." Her voice sounded familiar, but I couldn't place who she was. I heard the door shut, and Kakashi came back into the room, looking more tired if that was possible.
Raking a hand though his disheveled, silver hair, Kakashi's eye met both of mine. He sighed and slumped into his sofa again. He didn't relax into the couch, though. He sat in it like he would a normal chair, bringing his elbows to rest on his knees.
"Sasuke, I think I have an answer for your question." I waited, sitting up straighter myself. "I think the reason why you only see him…is because…" Kakashi took in a deep breath before slowly exhaling. "You love him beyond what you should."
TBC...
